What is wrong with me? I am literally ADDICTED to flirting with my bf’s best friend!

[vcolon]

Hello,

 

I’ve come here for advice because I don’t feel comfortable talking with any of my friends about this. And please, don’t judge, just give me your honest opinions.

 

So the bg is that I’ve been with my bf for over 2 years now, and we are very much in love. I have no doubts about us, and we plan on getting married but have not set a date yet as financially we are just not ready.

 

However, recently an issue has arisen which has me questioning our relationship, or at least myself. It’s really weird and seems to have come out of nowhere. I first noticed it a few months ago, when I started living with his best friend. This was actually my bf’s idea. I needed a roommate for college and was going to have a male roommate, a platonic friend of mine, but my bf objected and suggested I live with his best friend instead. Naturally, I agreed to this, as it was understandable that he would be jealous of me living with a guy friend. Plus, his friend was not attractive at all, he is fat and has bad acne, and my bf knows that I think he’s physically unappealing, so there would be nothing for him to worry about.

 

However, after I started living with his friend for awhile, I began noticing that I liked to flirt with him. I was surprised by my own actions, as I usually don’t flirt with guys who I don’t find attractive, but here I was, flirting with him hardcore. It started rather innocently, but now it’s become inappropriate imho. And I can’t stop. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. I find it a thrill and it’s very exciting and gives me a sort of “rush”, even tho I am not physically attracted to him at all. It’s actually become a sort of addiction for me and I find myself doing it almost unconsciously whenever he’s around, almost out of habit.

 

But what’s really alarmed me about all of this is that I’ve found that I actually like it when my bf gets jealous. I can’t explain why, maybe it’s the feeling I get when he acts possessive towards me, it makes me feel wanted and desired, I’m not really sure, but when he gets really jealous I actually seem to get aroused by it. I actually get physical feelings of pleasure when I see him get jealous, to the point that I find myself openly flirting with his friend when he’s here just to get a reaction out of him. I feel guilty afterwards, but in the moment it seems I get carried away and can’t help myself.

 

Does anyone here know why I’m like this? I mean, is there something wrong with me, or is this more normal? Because I know I love my bf, and I also know I’m not attracted to his friend at all, but the “high” I get from flirting with his friend is so addicting that I honestly don’t know how to stop.

[healing light]

I don't really know how to help you but I don't think it's that normal to flirt specifically with a person who physically repulses you to get a rise out of your boyfriend. I can understand to an extent liking the feeling of a partner being a bit jealous over someone flirting with you, but this situation does not seem so harmless.

 

You risk jeopardizing your relationship with your boyfriend whom you would otherwise see a future with. You may give him a complex about trusting his best friends and partners, not to mention how confusing that must be for him knowing that you said you aren't attracted to this man at all.

 

How does his friend respond? Can you give a few examples of what you're saying or doing? Did you feel satisfied with the level of attention and affection you received from your boyfriend prior to this developing? Did you feel generally unwanted? Trying to get at what your hidden motivations may have been.

[stillafool]

Work on your obsessive need for attention. Your poor boyfriend will be your ex if you can't learn to control yourself.

[Steve51]

My best friend's wife would flirt with me every time we were together. She went so far to try to take my penis out of my pants when her husband had to run an errand leaving me to keep his wife company. He was the most naive man I ever knew and that is why he was on his third wife. The other too cheated on him. She became a professional masseuse and her hubby encouraged her to give me a massage. I kept saying no but he wanted me to know how skilled she was. She took me into the bedroom, locked the doors and massaged me. She took the towel off of my crotch and rubbed oil on my penis. I think she was waiting for me to give her the OK but I did not. Sure enough she cheated on him with a guy who was not turning her down and she divorced her husband.

 

I flirted with my wife's best friend so much that when her friend got divorced and complained that she had not had sex in 8 months, my wife offered me to her and she accepted. Later I asked my wife to join us and we formed a poly triad for the next 30 years.

 

My point is that flirting is letting someone know that you are sexually interested in him. Sooner of later something will happen in your marriage, one of the bumps in the road we all experience, and you will end up in the arms of your husband's friend. Men do not need much to feel like they are invited to have sex with a woman and you are sending out a strong message that will be answered at some time.

[Steve51]

My best friend's wife would flirt with me every time we were together. She went so far to try to take my penis out of my pants when her husband had to run an errand leaving me to keep his wife company. He was the most naive man I ever knew and that is why he was on his third wife. The other too cheated on him. She became a professional masseuse and her hubby encouraged her to give me a massage. I kept saying no but he wanted me to know how skilled she was. She took me into the bedroom, locked the doors and massaged me. She took the towel off of my crotch and rubbed oil on my penis. I think she was waiting for me to give her the OK, but I did not. Sure enough she cheated on him with a guy who was not turning her down and she divorced her husband.

 

I flirted with my wife's best friend so much that when her friend got divorced and complained that she had not had sex in 8 months, my wife offered me to her and she accepted. Later I asked my wife to join us and we formed a poly triad for the next 30 years.

 

My point is that flirting is letting someone know that you are sexually interested in him. Sooner of later something will happen in your marriage, one of the bumps in the road we all experience, and you will end up in the arms of your husband's friend. Men do not need much to feel like they are invited to have sex with a woman and you are sending out a strong message that will be answered at some time.

[smackie9]

Talk to your BF. Tell him his friend needs to move out. Find a female to live with you. I'm sure if you post something at your college there's a girl looking to get out of a situation too. This will solve a lot of your problems.

 

To explain your feelings about this....it's simple dopamine being released in your brain. all kinds of things can trigger this, and the attention you are getting is doing just that. Once you remove the source, that dopamine will shut off. You may feel depressed for a bit because you are coming off of it. You will adjust and feel normal again.

 

 

Maybe go visit a professor from the Psychology dept. to get a more in depth view about the role dopamine plays in addiction.

Edited October 9, 2017 by smackie9

[vcolon]

Healing, I’ve thought a lot about it, but I can’t explain why I do it other than somehow it’s just fun. It’s exciting for some reason. I don’t feel unwanted, nor is my bf distant. He’s very affectionate towards me. I don’t think he’s the problem. Unfortunately, it’s me. I actually feel a sort of physical ‘rush’ whenever I’m teasing his friend, and especially when he gets jealous about it.

 

As far as what I’m doing, I’d hate to give examples because tbh it’s gotten so out of control that I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking about it. It’s too embarrassing. But I remember it all started when I noticed his friend always ‘checking me out’. I’d catch him staring at me whenever I was in a bikini or when I was working out and wearing my ‘booty’ shorts. At first I was a little self-conscious about it. I felt a bit uncomfortable watching him stare at me like he was mesmerized or something, especially when I kept noticing he would get these HUGE erections while doing it. But after awhile I found it exciting to see him drooling over me like that, I guess because it made me feel powerful and sexy, I don’t know, but what I do know is that I soon found myself becoming addicted to it. I found myself walking around the house half naked whenever he was around, sitting or laying in the most provocative positions, just to see the expression on his face.

 

Then, when my bf came over and saw what was going on, I found that I actually liked it when he got jealous. Again, I’m not sure why, maybe it was the security of knowing he cared about me, but at any rate I found myself purposefully flirting with his friend whenever he was over here. I will do things like tickle him, play fight with him, sit on his lap, write words on his thigh with my fingers, and basically just do other ‘touchy feely’ things with him, (and yes, all right in front of my bf) just so I can see my bf get jealous. I really can’t explain why I enjoy this, other than to say I somehow like it when my bf is acting ‘clingy’ and possessive of me. I guess it makes me feel more secure, but I’m really not sure.