stardog0011 Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 i need some understanding, as I feel as if I am losing my mind. I am about to be married to a man who is all over the map. I think he is even switching gears on being married to me. He has a company that’s doing very poorly. he also has a mortgage that he’s been paying with his savings. He is almost out of savings. I still have my own apartment but I live full time with him. It’s just my lease isn’t up and I can’t abandon it. I have struggled to try to pay both fees. The apartment is over an hour and a half from his house. So, I have paid 2500 to him toward food and utilities every month. He said that’s not enough. He mocked me and said that I’ve been “saying I would rescue him” since January and I clearly am not capable. he is currently not up to date on his mortgage. he says he is on a deferment plan. I don’t know if this is true, but it probably is. he has a friend who is a realtor and he’s told me 7 times in the last 6 months that he is going to put the house on the market, and he never has. He told me last week he REALLY is now. Last Friday he had a meltdown. he told me his business is not working. he said he felt very negative thoughts and that he was just going to file bankruptcy and lay off his employee…and let the landlord know he can’t pay anymore. I told him I would help him find another consulting outlet… and he told me NO. I am INSANE to think this will ever work. He is DONE. After he cooled off he thanked me for trying to be positive…but said it’s time to close the office and sell the office. He suggested we could move into my apartment. (again over an hour and half away from his business and family...where my family and work is) I said I understood. Today, he unleashed on me. I am trying to work remotely next to him and every time I was being ( almost ALL of the morning) he would ask who I was communicating with …and why they were more important. He said I am not really THERE. That I”m cold and distant. He then said “just so you know..this relationship isn’t going to survive with your coldness..and lack of intimacy. I have needs. You need to listen to me when I speak and you need to understand what I’m going through” I said I am! I am trying to work. And I thought you were closing the office and sellign the house? He said OMG — THIS is what you want. YOU plotted all along for me to fail. You want to see me do that? Do you realize I have a company??? How do you not see this! You WANT me to go broke? I said NO! I came up with business ideas for you! I am trying to help you! But, no …you can’t keep going at the same rate! He said that I’m insane. That he is VERY worried about me…and any relationship he has with me…since I can’t absorb common sense. He then made fun of my appearance. This morning he was leaving of the office and I only had 30 minutes to get ready. He said that He was getting in the shower first…since it was HIS appointment he had to get to. I said that’s fine. I could throw on a hat…and just go since drying my hair takes forever. I jumped int he shower…and threw on a hat and workout clothes. he said “how about you try getting ready for ME? Do I have no value for you???” I said…wow…so what is it that you want me to wear? He said NOT THAT….you see no value in getting ready for ME? He said …I got up and ironed my clothes…and you didn’t. What does that say. This is all really hurting…He took off and went to his appointment and said he didn’t expect me to be there when he came back. (he plays this game….a lot. He gets insecure and tries to find out if I will leave him. I was NOT!) I’m sitting at a coffee shop… and I am trying to figure out what to think. Please advise. I make good money…and I could help him too. I offered to support him until he regrouped and he said that it is “sick power play” He says he loves me most days....he seems to truly want to be with me. But I just don't understand what's happening. he told me that his "family and friends/everyone" has warned him that I would try to move him away. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 This is a nightmare. I am not even sure what keeps you with him and don't say love. The manipulator is this man. And what they do is gaslight. And I believe you stay because you are co-dependent. Please don't marry him. If you think marriage will change a man into a prince -- it'll only make your life more miserable. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stardog0011 Posted October 9, 2017 Author Share Posted October 9, 2017 I tried editing and it won't let me ..for some reason. To clarify he said he was giong to close the office and sell the HOUSE. Anyway...I don't even think he will marry me. He backed off of that too. He said that I am unstable...too and the fact that I ask to be married right now...shows I'm up to "no good" and trying to force him to be with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 2500 toward food and utilities.. what the heck do you eat ? It sounds like you are paying too much.. and while I can't tell you what to do I can tell you that his financial issue is bigger than you and it it isn't up to you to fix it. Trying to fix it will bury you and you will lose everything you have saved and worked hard for. Pull out.... BTW... BTDT with an exW and her business that was failing too... on a side note: With my family of three today we only spend about 1200 to 1500 per month on utilities and food...so you are over paying.. and he should be also taking care of at the very least his half and if it was my world he should take care of you too.... this 50/50 crap that guys play on women isn't right... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 You would be insane to marry this man right now. First things first, he needs to get his financial house in order. The last thing that he should be doing is thinking about making a major life decision like marriage at a time when the rest of his life is falling apart - losing his business, filing for ban repay, losing his house... YOU can't fix that for him, he needs to deal with his stuff.. Second, do NOT marry this man or let him live with you such that YOU become responsible for his debt. YOu may love this man, but you are not married to hi which means that you need to make sure that YOU do not go down with his ship. Protect your own financial interests. Finally, when things settle down, you need to decide if this is the man that you want to attach your wagon too... No doubt, he is under a tremendous amount of stress right now and people do crazy things when they under a lot of stress. BUT - stress will also reveal a person's true nature - and what we know about his true nature right now is that he becomes nasty, belligerent, and hurtful toward you. He has crossed the line and used you as an emotional punching bag and THAT IS NOT OK! So... You need to REALLY think about this when things settle down - is this really the man you want to marry and trust with your life and your future happiness. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 He said that I am unstable...too and the fact that I ask to be married right now...shows I'm up to "no good" and trying to force him to be with me. Don't think that way.. IMO you dodged a bullet and he was going to take you out... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hestheone66 Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 I lived for 12 years with a self absorbed narcissistic baby-man. Yes he SAID he loved me with great passion and fervor, tears in his eyes declarations etc.... BUT he didn't..he just needed my income, my domestic labour, the security of a relationship.. He would pull the same gaslighting stunts and twist everything till I was so confused and felt it was my fault.. It took me a long time to leave but if I'm honest I ignored the bad feeling in my tummy for years. I am glad I left him (unannounced) , sold my house around him and let him keep my lovely car (which I saw a year later for sale as he couldn't pay the mechanic for repairs and signed it over). He barely worked in the 12 years together and when he did, never contributed financially to the household (3 children youngest his). I'm with a stable kind man now... hardworking who does things to improve my life in many ways...he very rarely says he loves me.... It's obvious in his consideration of my needs.. Please leave this sorry excuse of a man, preferably without talking..there is no point.. their ability to twist words just confuses.. he's targeted you as you are probably very empathic.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 (edited) Indeed. You are paying $2500 a month in food and utilities? I don't know where you live, but that is more than I pay for mortgage, taxes, condo fees, insurance, utilities, and food - combined! And it is STILL not enough for him... He still blames you and tells you that you should be doing more... It will never be enough for him. My boyfriend doesn't say that he loves me everyday... He jokes that it is "implied" and will be in effect until he tells me otherwise... . But, he SHOWS me that he loves me everyday by the way he cares for me. This man isn't caring for you, he is only thinking about himself right now. Be very, very careful about this... Edited October 9, 2017 by BaileyB 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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