Stuck

[Clock]

feel like I don’t have much to look forward to, feel trapped.

Had a shotgun marriage 8 years ago.

We had another child 4 years ago, I did not support the birth of this child because fetus had at least a 95 plus percent chance of neurological problem, ends up that she has cerebral palsy — is a special needs child who needs around the clock care. We had a chance to abort the fetus before 24 weeks but wife chose to have the child, baby came out at 24 weeks. However, I’ve done everything I’ve can to make things work. I love my children, and love the child with cerebral palsy but still hold a lot of resentment towards my wife because she didn’t listen to the experts and my desire to abort the baby because of the high risks, with the biggest concern of my daughter suffering. We’ve all sacrificed a lot for this child. We don’t much family support due to distance.

Suppose this is my issue, and something I’ve tried to get past, but it doesn’t seem to go away. Not sure if separation or divorce would even solve anything.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Nope, in fact it would be worse. You would heap on the guilt over and above the resentment for your wife - especially with a special needs child.

 

There is a saying, and I'm not an overly religious person, but God only gives us what we can handle. As a woman, it would be a heart-wrenching decision to terminate a pregnancy at any stage, let alone in the second trimester. Your wife likely thought the difficulties in raising this child would be easier than the alternative.

 

Running away would not be the answer in your case OP. My heart does go out to you and your family.

[PegNosePete]

Not sure if separation or divorce would even solve anything.

Nope. What would help is if you can understand the reasons your wife chose to keep the baby. It seems this issue could be solved by communication, if indeed this is the only problem in your marriage. I think MC could help you a lot here.

[submart]

Raising a child with a disability is very stressful on a marriage. However, it doesn't have to equal divorce.

 

What is the functional status of your 4 year old daughter with CP?

 

1. Can she walk? Even very short distances?

2. Can she help get dressed?

3. Can she eat finger foods? Can she hold a utensil?

4. Can she speak any words? Can she use sentences?

5. Is she potty trained... at least partially?

6. Does she attend OT/PT/speech therapy?

7. Is she making any progress?

[rickwman]

I can totally relate to you. Our first boy developed a seizure disorder when he was about 1 year old. It never went away. Meds didn't help (made him worse); nothing helped. We had no relatives that lived close either. He lived with us for 25 years. We found out about a group home environment that would offer 24/7 care. He's happy there and everyone loves him. He's now 32.

 

Along the way, we had 7 more children, 4 boys, 3 girls. One of these 7 has a learning disability; mild but he functions well and got married last year. In 2007, I worked with a 10 year old Hispanic Elementary School boy that had cerebral palsy. I was his scribe and hands. He was very smart, best one in his math class. He is now in High School.

 

All life needs a chance. Remember, these 'experts' may have the first report but it's not the last report. You and your wife need each other during difficult times. Find others; friends, groups, pastor, etc. that will lift you both up and give encouragement. Don't let your mind dwell on the past or on negative things that can harm your relationship. Forgive your wife! Forgive yourself! I pray and stand with you both going thru this.

 

I came across an article that might give you insight about parenting with a special needs child:

 

Stress and Parenting a Child with Special Needs | Focus on the Family