Patterns

[AutumnMoon]

Did you notice any patterns that you're married man or married woman seemed to play out over and over?

 

For example either guilt and then hot/cold treatment leading up to and after sex.

 

Or a really specific one that happened in the first years of my affair, every single holiday once the weekend or the holiday was winding down he would always get in touch with me and always need to meet up . And He would be very forward about it and make sure that it happened it was like he needed that after a holiday and I always wondered why, it was a pattern he stuck to even still needs to see me but it's a little less sexually charged and now is happy just to talk so it's OK if it's just the phone or something in the beginning he needed to physically meet up

[Sparkling Storm]

There was a definite hot/cold pattern. When I was too keen, pushing for meetings, he would be a bit cooler. If I backed off, he came back stronger. He even told me that he wanted the chase and that I shouldn't make it easy. WTF?! The mind games are what broke me.

[elaine567]

Or a really specific one that happened in the first years of my affair, every single holiday once the weekend or the holiday was winding down he would always get in touch with me and always need to meet up . And He would be very forward about it and make sure that it happened it was like he needed that after a holiday and I always wondered why, it was a pattern he stuck to even still needs to see me but it's a little less sexually charged and now is happy just to talk so it's OK if it's just the phone or something in the beginning he needed to physically meet up

 

He needed to make sure you were still on board and that the holiday and time apart had not made you think twice and weakened your resolve to continue with the affair.

[kittencupcake]

Your post history breaks my heart Autumn. I hope you get the help you need soon and extricate yourself from this terrible situation.

[AutumnMoon]

don't feel bad for me I'm doing just fine my relationship with him is pretty stable .. no hot and cold but he still has patterns that I notice and I've just been thinking back over the ones that he had at the start and they still make me curious at times .

 

I was always down so I don't get why he would think he needed to make sure of that after a holiday. Asked him before but he said he didn't ever notice any patterns that he had.

 

My husband and I are legally separated. We have been for a couple months now things are pretty amicable there, since he lived away from home most of the time anyway , and there's been no Dday.

[DKT3]

don't feel bad for me I'm doing just fine my relationship with him is pretty stable .. no hot and cold but he still has patterns that I notice and I've just been thinking back over the ones that he had at the start and they still make me curious at times .

 

I was always down so I don't get why he would think he needed to make sure of that after a holiday. Asked him before but he said he didn't ever notice any patterns that he had.

 

My husband and I are legally separated. We have been for a couple months now things are pretty amicable there, since he lived away from home most of the time anyway , and there's been no Dday.

So much for you being so amazing that you were able to keep both men exceedingly happy.

 

Good for your husband, he deserves better.

 

Men are creatures of habit, we tend to stick to what works to maintain status quo. Of course he has patterns, all intended to keep you where you are and to keep his wife where she is.

Edited October 10, 2017 by DKT3

[AutumnMoon]

So much for you being so amazing that you were able to keep both men exceedingly happy.

 

Good for your husband, he deserves better.

 

Men are creatures of habit, we tend to stick to what works to maintain status quo. Of course he has patterns, all intended to keep you where you are and to keep his wife where she is.

 

 

 

You do not know my husband. Do not project feelings about your ex on me.

 

Both men were and are still happy me and my husband never had any type of blowup fight I simply said I needed him to make his homebase home, or I didn't think I could stay married he is very committed to what he's doing and doesn't see it changing for the next 10 years or so . I feel I did what I had to do for my sanity it's not that I didn't love my life but I really feel I needed my husband and he just was unable to commit to being home.

 

If things keep going the way they are with in the next six months MM's wife and him will be moving toward separation as well the only issue as it standd is financial ., we will continue to live as we are for the next year or so and then possibly make our relationship public.

 

I'm not pushing them to separate or anything like that he actually wanted to long before I did I am content right where I am for now.

[AutumnMoon]

I should clarify something about the last post I didn't mean that they are only together for financial reasons I know how ridiculous that sounds. There is obviously a strong attachment the same as I had in my marriage. The same but different there is an attachment but I marriages are very different animals.

 

They however has been sleeping in separate bedrooms for almost a year now and haven't had sex in six months she has been looking into getting a mortgage in town and will be moving , meaning me and married man will now be sharing the yard just us and the kids. I am Not delusional and I understand that things are not going to be perfect. But it does feel as if the limbo we have been in for the last six years might actually have a future.

Edited October 10, 2017 by AutumnMoon
Typing on my phone and it sucks

[imsosad]

I get what you're asking/saying and yes.

My A was pretty short term ( we both left our M and are now together) but I recognize the weekend/holiday pattern.

We found ways to keep in touch throughout weekends and holidays but found them difficult to get through. We could not meet up and would speak less than usual. I found it terrible. I missed him a lot and the family time made me feel extra guilty. I always felt the need to pull back, especially after holidays, he would get more intense.

I think it's a sign of unhealthy dynamic, the stretches of less contact invoke anxiety, fear of abandonment and highlight the damaging nature of affairs.

Automoon, how do you feel about the seperation? I imagine it is somewhat of an adjustment for you. Did the seperation change your expectations in terms of your affair partner? There must be some adjustment between you and your AP?

My AP left his M before I did and it had a huge impact on our relationship.

[DKT3]

You do not know my husband. Do not project feelings about your ex on me.

 

Both men were and are still happy me and my husband never had any type of blowup fight I simply said I needed him to make his homebase home, or I didn't think I could stay married he is very committed to what he's doing and doesn't see it changing for the next 10 years or so . I feel I did what I had to do for my sanity it's not that I didn't love my life but I really feel I needed my husband and he just was unable to commit to being home.

 

If things keep going the way they are with in the next six months MM's wife and him will be moving toward separation as well the only issue as it standd is financial ., we will continue to live as we are for the next year or so and then possibly make our relationship public.

 

I'm not pushing them to separate or anything like that he actually wanted to long before I did I am content right where I am for now.

No projection,

 

But ask yourself, how happy with you can he be if he would rather maintain a job then a Marriage? Doesn't sound like a man all that interested in being married.

 

In reading your posts over time I believe you are extremely delusional about this situation. To you it all seems so logical and simple. But to me it sounds highly dysfunctional and messy.

 

Oddly, you speak alot about commitment and love, honestly it appears you have a misguided concept of those words

[kittencupcake]

don't feel bad for me I'm doing just fine my relationship with him is pretty stable .. no hot and cold but he still has patterns that I notice and I've just been thinking back over the ones that he had at the start and they still make me curious at times .

 

I was always down so I don't get why he would think he needed to make sure of that after a holiday. Asked him before but he said he didn't ever notice any patterns that he had.

 

My husband and I are legally separated. We have been for a couple months now things are pretty amicable there, since he lived away from home most of the time anyway , and there's been no Dday.

 

Stable and healthy relationships don't involve one person going home to their spouse every night. I am sad for you because you don't understand that.

[AutumnMoon]

I get what you're asking/saying and yes.

My A was pretty short term ( we both left our M and are now together) but I recognize the weekend/holiday pattern.

We found ways to keep in touch throughout weekends and holidays but found them difficult to get through. We could not meet up and would speak less than usual. I found it terrible. I missed him a lot and the family time made me feel extra guilty. I always felt the need to pull back, especially after holidays, he would get more intense.

I think it's a sign of unhealthy dynamic, the stretches of less contact invoke anxiety, fear of abandonment and highlight the damaging nature of affairs.

Automoon, how do you feel about the seperation? I imagine it is somewhat of an adjustment for you. Did the seperation change your expectations in terms of your affair partner? There must be some adjustment between you and your AP?

My AP left his M before I did and it had a huge impact on our relationship.

 

 

I used to get very anxious with low contact as well and holidays tend to make me feel guilty as well but not him he would get so much more intense after any time apart.

 

I guess I just want to look into the meaning of those pattern so that I trust him when we are together.

 

The separation with my husband has been fairly easy for me I think the hardest part has been accepting that the future I had always pictured is going to be different

 

Since he works away from home so much it was not even much of an adjustment the kids are very unaffected at the moment, because they are just used to living like this, I understand that can change and I'm trying to stay prepared for that.

 

if anything we have spent more time together after the initial separation but for the last month it's been a little more low contact. Our version of all contact is much different than most because we live side-by-side and Share a farm yard. We still see each other every day.

 

I've just been trying to focus more on myself focus on my workouts and let myself be alone I've always been independent but I'm really trying to work on being able to do the things I want by myself . I don't expect more from him right now but that could change as well I'm aware

[AutumnMoon]

No projection,

 

But ask yourself, how happy with you can he be if he would rather maintain a job then a Marriage? Doesn't sound like a man all that interested in being married.

 

In reading your posts over time I believe you are extremely delusional about this situation. To you it all seems so logical and simple. But to me it sounds highly dysfunctional and messy.

 

Oddly, you speak alot about commitment and love, honestly it appears you have a misguided concept of those words

 

 

 

I am under no delusions that I'm the perfect wife by any means but my husband was definitely happy we will remain friends and of course when I first brought it up he said he would quit his job right away. The more we talked about it he loves it he doesn't I do not want to stop him from being who he is . And I need more . I want somebody to raise my kids with me show up for four days at the end of the month for some family time wasn't enough to me

anymore .

 

If I am being honest with myself I probably could've continued my life just the way it was for the next 10 years but I would have no guarantee he would actually be around after that and I know that . And I started to lose sleep over the fact that if we ever were caught it would ruin everything . right now my husband still has love for me and I still have for him so whether we are exes or not we will always coparent amicably and that was important to me I was willing to lose my safety net to make sure my kids didn't go through that fall out.

 

If you have read my posts you know I've always been suspicious that my husband might have his own relationships on the side he of course swears that's not true and I have no real reason to believe it other than the fact that he's away for such long periods of time, but don't decide he's a saint just because I'm the one who's posted here telling my secrets.

[elaine567]

They however has been sleeping in separate bedrooms for almost a year now and haven't had sex in six months she has been looking into getting a mortgage in town and will be moving , meaning me and married man will now be sharing the yard just us and the kids.

She is moving out, leaving her kids behind?

[Chica80]

Did you notice any patterns that you're married man or married woman seemed to play out over and over?

 

For example either guilt and then hot/cold treatment leading up to and after sex.

 

Or a really specific one that happened in the first years of my affair, every single holiday once the weekend or the holiday was winding down he would always get in touch with me and always need to meet up . And He would be very forward about it and make sure that it happened it was like he needed that after a holiday and I always wondered why, it was a pattern he stuck to even still needs to see me but it's a little less sexually charged and now is happy just to talk so it's OK if it's just the phone or something in the beginning he needed to physically meet up

 

Yes...the hot/cold guilty paterns. After we were intimate then there was always distancing. Then we would miss eachother like "crazy" the withdraw etc...and would be back in it.

We still communicated over holidays and weekends sometimes more than others just depended on what was going on.

As the time went longer the patterns were slightly different or less but still there.

 

I think it's difficult to break patterns. They develop because we are who we are we don't change much despite the circumstances.

 

I think the best thing for you two as you move towards becoming an open couple is to look at those things talk about them and deal with them. Look into counseling together.

 

Good luck autumn keep us updated.

[AutumnMoon]

She is moving out, leaving her kids behind?

 

 

she wouldn't be leaving her kids behind she would just be leaving their house behind since his shop is in the yard and he works from here. I am assuming they would share custody since they're both good parents and we live in a relatively small town she would not be far away.

[AutumnMoon]

I am not going to speak bad about my husband or his wife I don't see the point in that I've done so in the past on here but only to try to shed some light on my situation and why things are the way they are.

Nobody is all bad. That goes for the people in affairs as well as the people who are innocent of infidelity.

 

I guess the possibility of us being together for real in the next couple years I just want to know that I can trust him and my mind is going over and over the most glaring patterns to see if I can understand why. I am sure I have my own patterns as well and I want to be able to trust myself to.

[DKT3]

I am under no delusions that I'm the perfect wife by any means but my husband was definitely happy we will remain friends and of course when I first brought it up he said he would quit his job right away. The more we talked about it he loves it he doesn't I do not want to stop him from being who he is . And I need more . I want somebody to raise my kids with me show up for four days at the end of the month for some family time wasn't enough to me

anymore .

 

If I am being honest with myself I probably could've continued my life just the way it was for the next 10 years but I would have no guarantee he would actually be around after that and I know that . And I started to lose sleep over the fact that if we ever were caught it would ruin everything . right now my husband still has love for me and I still have for him so whether we are exes or not we will always coparent amicably and that was important to me I was willing to lose my safety net to make sure my kids didn't go through that fall out.

 

If you have read my posts you know I've always been suspicious that my husband might have his own relationships on the side he of course swears that's not true and I have no real reason to believe it other than the fact that he's away for such long periods of time, but don't decide he's a saint just because I'm the one who's posted here telling my secrets.

 

What I'm saying is you are either extremely niave or in some serious delusion. You state you are the perfect wife, hmmm that's very interesting. It clearly shows delusion or some type of mental condition that I'm not qualified to call. Perfect wives don't have long term affairs then question the husband commitment because of working.

 

In the past you've mentioned that you've had this MM around your kids, not sure Thier ages but I will bet there is a very good chance it won't remain a secret, kids tend to spill beans. Your separation will mean alone time with Dad and kids.

[AutumnMoon]

What I'm saying is you are either extremely niave or in some serious delusion. You state you are the perfect wife, hmmm that's very interesting. It clearly shows delusion or some type of mental condition that I'm not qualified to call. Perfect wives don't have long term affairs then question the husband commitment because of working.

 

In the past you've mentioned that you've had this MM around your kids, not sure Thier ages but I will bet there is a very good chance it won't remain a secret, kids tend to spill beans. Your separation will mean alone time with Dad and kids.

 

 

 

I actually said the exact opposite and that I am not the perfect wife. My husband had no complaints since he never found out about the affair and every other aspect of our lives ran very smoothly and we were happy.

It is a secret the kids don't know anything about the relationship that's inappropriate at all.

We are both around one another's kids very often but as friends and that's it. I decided to do the right thing at least in that moment, and end my marriage before a blowup, hopefully the same thing happens on their side.

 

I don't know where you got that I thought I was the perfect wife. Nobody is perfect but I never really had any problems in my marriage other than that he was never around. I wanted attention affection and sex. He was not providing it and I looked elsewhere I'm not using that as an excuse but it is what happened. I was a good wife he would say so to this day. Maybe because you don't agree with what I'm doing you wish me some type of pain? Things are good on my end, sorry

Edited October 10, 2017 by AutumnMoon

[BourneWicked]

Patterns are a thing. I would tend to go cold and back off after any physical encounters. As someone else said, these sorts of patterns do seem more pronounced in those of us who don't know how to have healthy relationships.

 

Your mostly unavailable husband echoes my situation. And if you're happy, why stop doing what you're doing. Curious though - have you examined your desire to have unavailable partners?

[DKT3]

I actually said the exact opposite and that I am not the perfect wife. My husband had no complaints since he never found out about the affair and every other aspect of our lives ran very smoothly and we were happy.

It is a secret the kids don't know anything about the relationship that's inappropriate at all.

We are both around one another's kids very often but as friends and that's it. I decided to do the right thing at least in that moment, and end my marriage before a blowup, hopefully the same thing happens on their side.

 

I don't know where you got that I thought I was the perfect wife. Nobody is perfect but I never really had any problems in my marriage other than that he was never around. I wanted attention affection and sex. He was not providing it and I looked elsewhere I'm not using that as an excuse but it is what happened. I was a good wife he would say so to this day. Maybe because you don't agree with what I'm doing you wish me some type of pain? Things are good on my end, sorry

 

You've actually said it many times that you are an amazing wife and mother. You seem to think that because you're husband doesn't know (as far as you know) that your actions haven't Impacted your marriage.

 

Honestly, I don't care to see anyone in pain, my issue is you clearly lack empathy. You would prefer you husband went into the night believing that he had to make a choice between his marriage and career just so he would continue to hold you in high standing, making it his fault. We're the truth is, you see a crack and opportunity to be with MM. I fully expect you to do a 180 if mm marriage doesn't fall apart.

 

PS doing the right thing means being honest about who you REALLY are. Lying and misleading is never the right thing.

[DKT3]

Patterns are a thing. I would tend to go cold and back off after any physical encounters. As someone else said, these sorts of patterns do seem more pronounced in those of us who don't know how to have healthy relationships.

 

Your mostly unavailable husband echoes my situation. And if you're happy, why stop doing what you're doing. Curious though - have you examined your desire to have unavailable partners?

 

Yes, not knowing how to maintain a healthy relationship. These is the reason affairs fail as legitimate relationships. To people who have proven untrustworthy, unfaithful and unreliable. Those shortcomings don't change because the partner changes. OP will still have the same issue within until she addresses them. Unlikely, since she doesn't seem to understand she is at fault. Her affair isn't because her husband works away, it's because she isn't equipped to handle unfavorable situations in a healthy manner.

[Robert]

Just a note from moderation.. Let's keep the posts helpful and not hurtful.

 

Thanks

[Daisy2013]

Oh yes. Hot / cold pattern. One week he would want to see me, the next week not. We would be intimate, then I would pay for it because the following week again, he'd go cold. Our phone conversations during the cold time were loke talking to the mail man. I never understood why he loved me one week, but not the next. But if I backed off during the cold times, he would become offended and say "I wish you loves me." Talk about a mind #^*€.

[deadsoul]

Did you notice any patterns that you're married man or married woman seemed to play out over and over?

 

For example either guilt and then hot/cold treatment leading up to and after sex.

 

Or a really specific one that happened in the first years of my affair, every single holiday once the weekend or the holiday was winding down he would always get in touch with me and always need to meet up . And He would be very forward about it and make sure that it happened it was like he needed that after a holiday and I always wondered why, it was a pattern he stuck to even still needs to see me but it's a little less sexually charged and now is happy just to talk so it's OK if it's just the phone or something in the beginning he needed to physically meet up

 

It's been 5 or 6 years now? Maybe things are finally settling in. What I mean by that is the "excitement" and stuff that happens in the beginning of relationships is finally settling into the day-to-day life of relationships. Being that this is an A, it still has some of that excitement, but due to the length of time, it is entering a new stage.

 

It does sound like things are moving forward to you two being together publicly, which will probably have some new challenges. I think communication is key and you should tell him what you're feeling.

 

Good luck and keep us posted. I think I offended you awhile back with a question I asked you and I apologize for that. I can't even remember what I asked you, but it was out of genuine curiosity, but it sounded judgmental. Seriously, no judgment here, I am amazed by how you've managed all of this for this long.