Patterns

[Messy Lady]

Oh do I know patterns! My MM is so predictable in his hot/cold behaviours.

[AutumnMoon]

Your mostly unavailable husband echoes my situation. And if you're happy, why stop doing what you're doing. Curious though - have you examined your desire to have unavailable partners?

 

I have never actually thought about that being a thing I do, I only had one serious boyfriend before I met my husband and when I think about it she was fairly emotionally and available himself physically there. And then I dated other guys before that but casually.. I'm realizing that it's obviously a pattern of my own.

Think I have a fear of abandonment and if I keep them at arms length I'm not as worried about it. I like to feel like I can do things on my own, I raise my kids virtually on my own I run my own business I run my household without asking anybody for help .. I don't need anybody else and then at the same time I do need them for emotional support.

[AutumnMoon]

It's been 5 or 6 years now? Maybe things are finally settling in. What I mean by that is the "excitement" and stuff that happens in the beginning of relationships is finally settling into the day-to-day life of relationships. Being that this is an A, it still has some of that excitement, but due to the length of time, it is entering a new stage.

 

It does sound like things are moving forward to you two being together publicly, which will probably have some new challenges. I think communication is key and you should tell him what you're feeling.

 

Good luck and keep us posted. I think I offended you awhile back with a question I asked you and I apologize for that. I can't even remember what I asked you, but it was out of genuine curiosity, but it sounded judgmental. Seriously, no judgment here, I am amazed by how you've managed all of this for this long.

 

 

 

We definitely do more day to day things especially this last year since basically live together we have our own homes but the same farm yard 50 feet from each other's front doors.

 

I am not proud of some of the decisions I've made but I do feel like we are versions of the same person. I love him I just regret how we went about some of the things .. but I don't linger on that too long because I never believed in soulmates and I never really believed in meant to be but if I did this is it, I felt like I had to find out for sure.

 

It will be six years at Christmas time since things really started we have known each other for a decade, so it's blurry where the emotional affair started.

 

If you offended me or I snapped at you I'm sorry I consider myself a fairly open-minded person but sometimes when I come on here and people are trying to shove me in a certain box I get very defensive. And sarcastic. In real life no one would ever describe me as cold but I've been described that way here quite a few times I think it's the way present myself here.

Edited October 11, 2017 by AutumnMoon

[AutumnMoon]

Back to patterns.

I'd like to find out my own as well I guess he is not as intuitive as me so he says he doesn't notice mine.

 

The hot and cold pattern was most obvious in the first two years of the affair. first six months was so intense that we actually had a conversation about reeling in our feelings and after that he would go hot and cold often . sometimes his energy would be different for up to three weeks I could even tell the difference in his demeanour through text.

 

At the time when I would ask him about it he would either say nothing was wrong and he didn't know he does he was doing it or he would tell me he had for fears that I didn't want to continue so he backed off. A couple times he also brought up guilt said he would feel guilty right after but it went away fast I wondered if he went cold when he felt guilty.

 

We are both the kind of people who push others away if we feel they may leave

 

I guess I always just felt like he should know I was never going to leave so that excuse never really held up for me.

 

he still has that pattern although it is much less obvious and he is still there for me during his withdrawal but I can feel it .

[freengreen]

AM, well atleast the things are moving in the direction they should have moved long back, better late than never. Its a positive update.

 

I was curious on how the spouses reacted when they were ‘offered’ to take a break. Was there any questions at all? or did they see it coming?

 

I think as Sunshine said you both must make it an open marraige ergo take it as honest as you could, just my cent.

[Birdies]

I think that because affairs are such intense relationships with all the addictive limerance that comes with them, they exist at such an unsustainable peak that anything approaching "normal" seems like cooling. At least in my scenario. Sometimes I find myself wondering why my partner (former MM / AP) hasn't responded to a text super quickly or something like that - is he mad?

 

But he is the most steady, even keeled guy, and it's just that our relationship is stabling off into something pretty normal and not the insane addiction of the A. He doesn't need to text me at any available second, because ALL the seconds are available. It's been long enough for you that maybe the same thing is happening with you, Autumn Moon?

 

One thing that helps me is knowing that my partner is not the type to get mad or punish me over something trivial, at all. Nor is he untrustworthy at all, as naive as that may sound to some. So it's easy for me to reign in any overreaction or misinterpretation I might want to do. Hopefully it's the same for you. I can imagine it would be very hard to start a real non-A R with someone you can't fully trust.

[elaine567]

I just want to know that I can trust him and my mind is going over and over the most glaring patterns to see if I can understand why.

 

I think the patterns you really need to pay attention to, are his patterns of behaviour with his wife.

He has managed to hide this affair from his wife for so long literally and metaphorically right under her nose, so how has he maintained her trust?

As I guess with no Dday she is not leaving him due to his infidelity.

Why IS she leaving, have you spoken to her about it?

 

I am not saying he will definitely cheat on you, but if you do some analysis on how he treated his wife during this affair you may get some pointers as to how he will treat you if he does decide to start straying again.

It may give you an early heads up.

[Chica80]

Back to patterns.

I'd like to find out my own as well I guess he is not as intuitive as me so he says he doesn't notice mine.

 

The hot and cold pattern was most obvious in the first two years of the affair. first six months was so intense that we actually had a conversation about reeling in our feelings and after that he would go hot and cold often . sometimes his energy would be different for up to three weeks I could even tell the difference in his demeanour through text.

 

At the time when I would ask him about it he would either say nothing was wrong and he didn't know he does he was doing it or he would tell me he had for fears that I didn't want to continue so he backed off. A couple times he also brought up guilt said he would feel guilty right after but it went away fast I wondered if he went cold when he felt guilty.

 

We are both the kind of people who push others away if we feel they may leave

 

I guess I always just felt like he should know I was never going to leave so that excuse never really held up for me.

 

he still has that pattern although it is much less obvious and he is still there for me during his withdrawal but I can feel it .

 

Ya I'm the same way too...recently was one of the things I realized. I'm so afraid of abandonment, yet got in to a relationship where I was certain to be "abandoned"

But the reality is I have always left all my significant relationships.

 

Lately I've been reading alot about Attachment theory, it has definitely changed the way I look at relationships why we attract or pick the pepole we pick.

 

I think that maybe once you are in an "open" relationship these old habits or patterns will change, and possibly brought back, because now there is no one to divide those parts anymore it's just centered on one person now.

[Birdies]

I think the patterns you really need to pay attention to, are his patterns of behaviour with his wife.

He has managed to hide this affair from his wife for so long literally and metaphorically right under her nose, so how has he maintained her trust?

As I guess with no Dday she is not leaving him due to his infidelity.

Why IS she leaving, have you spoken to her about it?

 

I am not saying he will definitely cheat on you, but if you do some analysis on how he treated his wife during this affair you may get some pointers as to how he will treat you if he does decide to start straying again.

It may give you an early heads up.

 

Yes this is a very valid point - what is his dynamic in the marriage, because those characteristic traits don't usually change. Although I see it more as, what are the traits that contributed to a breakdown in his marriage, and how can they be mitigated if and when you're together? I

 

n my case, he was extremely conflict avoidant, which was furthered by her extremely volatile emotions and inability to receive constructive criticism or compromise. I'm aware of those tendencies, and we are cognizant to try to identify and discuss issues as they arise rather than bury them. He's already made quite a turnaround as he's realized that it's "safe" to bring up issues and that I actively want to hear if there are ways I can be a better partner to him (and vice versa). Whereas in his marriage, he knew he couldn't stay married to her forever but was afraid to bring anything up knowing it would cause WWIII, so he was susceptible to finding an emotional connection elsewhere.

[AutumnMoon]

I'm sure I have discussed here before their relationship dynamic, I got jumped on immediately because people assume I am trying to bash her.

 

She's a good person but they are total opposites personality wise. They don't share anything in common as far as likes and dislikes go, their personalities clash. It was like at largely from the beginning the people also change over the years and they got together just like me and my husband at the end of being teenagers. People grow apart.

She does talk to me but I don't ask for information, she's just an oversharer.. some of my earliest posts here were about that she was trying to be friends with me and tell me way too much about there sex life. Or lack there of.

 

We would consider it an open relationship only because the possibility would be open but neither of us want other people right now just want to be free to share our thoughts about that kind of thing at the very least, she's highly jealous im not at all.. she puts him down a lot. Can be mean. But she's s good person and o know their issues are mostly because they are so different.