I don't even want him! But can't stop thinking about it.

[Sparkling Storm]

Firstly - thanks. This forum has been a lifeline for me as I approached the end of a 7 month affair. I felt so alone. Now I feel a bit naive, reading hundreds of threads that have shown me that my situation was neither unique or special still, I appreciate everyone that has shared their story to help people like me.

 

I am a MW and he is a MM. We were close friends for 2 years before the A. I had zero interest in him romantically, and like many of you, thought As mainly happened in films! I didn't see it coming. Our texts grew more flirty, we started spending more time together and BOOM. We kissed and there was a lightening bolt. And I was hooked. My H is the only man I've ever been with. I was 18 when we met. And it was never like that. Kissing the MM woke a passion that I'd never experienced and didn't even know existed.

 

Fast forward a summer of stolen encounters and the usual pattern - a 3 month honeymoon period followed by a few more months of hot/cold misery and I find myself at 4 days LC. We've agreed to a 30 day break (up) to try and ditch our addiction to each other. We will see each other as part of a joint hobby twice a week but will not be alone. We have stopped messaging completely.

 

There were many many solid reasons why we could never be together. When I'm thinking clearly I can list them all and my blood runs cold at the thought of a DDay. He always said he wouldn't leave. And my rational brain tells me that I wouldn't either. So effectively, I don't want to be with him. Yet I just can't stop thinking about him and what I've lost. Why am I being so irrational?!!

[somanymistakes]

Hormones.

 

Really. You know it's not logical, but your body chemicals are all fired up. The attraction of the unfamiliar (that is, the not-your-husband) plus the excitement of the forbidden becomes predictably addictive.

 

Unfortunately a 30-days semi-break where you're still seeing each other twice a week is unlikely to put much of a dent in the addictive chemicals IMO.

[Sparkling Storm]

It's a car crash waiting to happen. I know that. I read these other threads and I can see it coming a mile off. That's what I'm struggling with. I'm not a stupid person and prior to this I lived a very honest, apple pie kind of life. No vices. Didn't even lie as a teenager! How did I let myself get so far down this destructive path? I'm horrified with myself. Yet there seems to be this devil on my shoulder telling me not to give him up. My cognitive dissonance is huge. I know that no-one can fix this except me.

[rumblefish12]

Awareness is a big part of change. I avoided a dday, somehow. And, like you, I knew that if we had kept on it was inevitable. It may still happen even though the A is over and we are NC. We have to be realistic about that.

 

But, you know what you CAN do. You can distance yourself. You can choose not to engage. I've lived a life of addictive behavior, so I know the irrationality of it very well. That's the affair -- completely irrational behavior, brain chemistry, pleasure centers, ego, self-destructive behavior and lack of consideration for those around me. But I found myself there anyway. But you have to make a choice and take the necessary action. And as bad as it hurts, you CAN do that. Lots of us have. It hurts, but it will hurt a little less tomorrow and so on.

 

I heard someone say, "'Why?' is not a spiritual question." Does it really matter why you are in this now? Does it really help to beat yourself up for uncharacteristic behavior? Is it an opportunity to learn and grow?

 

You've got the awareness. Take the action. Be open to the lessons to be learned. We are all here going through it too, so lean here when you need to.

[Sparkling Storm]

Thanks Rumblefish 12. Your response brought a tear to my eye (although it doesn't take much right now!) How long have you been NC? Do you still miss your AP?

[treehugger12]

OMG I’m going through the same ordeal, so glad I saw this post. Mine was just a one time deal about 5 months ago with a MM, myself a MW of 20 years and I cannot get my mind off him but I will say that NC is helping, I wanted so much more of him and didn’t help that I was crushing on him before it happened. I have to see him sometimes and text for work. But haven’t seen him in several weeks and no texting for about 3 weeks. So the feelings are fading. I too have that same dam devil on my shoulder and just want it to go away. Hang in there and try hard with NC. Good luck

 

Can someone tell me what DDay stands for?? Thanks

Edited October 10, 2017 by treehugger12

[DKT3]

OMG I’m going through the same ordeal, so glad I saw this post. Mine was just a one time deal about 5 months ago with a MM, myself a MW of 20 years and I cannot get my mind off him but I will say that NC is helping, I wanted so much more of him and didn’t help that I was crushing on him before it happened. I have to see him sometimes and text for work. But haven’t seen him in several weeks and no texting for about 3 weeks. So the feelings are fading. I too have that same dam devil on my shoulder and just want it to go away. Hang in there and try hard with NC. Good luck

 

Can someone tell me what DDay stands for?? Thanks

 

The day your husband finds out

[Bittersweetie]

Sparkling, you have to think about how your actions are affecting others rather than yourself. Think outside your box. Even if no one knows, your mental energy is flowing toward a person that is not your H or your family. It is like an addiction and you should treat it as so instead of treating it as "something that will never be."

 

Unfortunately, I was never able to get to this point until I had a d-day. Once I actually saw in front of me the destruction my choices caused, I started to change. I examined why I thought what I was doing was okay. I read a lot about relationships and self-esteem. I did therapy. It was not easy and hurt a lot.

 

You probably don't want to hear this but a 30-day break is not going to cut it. Unless you don't care about hurting others, even if they don't know, then the honest and authentic step is to end the A permanently. No more friends. The friendship you had before is ruined now that the line has been crossed. Plus it's continuing disrespect to your H and his W.

 

Think about the kind of person you want to be moving forward. Someone who disrespects marriage? Someone who lies and cheats? Or do you want to live authentically? Then take the steps you need to take and stick with it. Good luck.

[rumblefish12]

Thanks Rumblefish 12. Your response brought a tear to my eye (although it doesn't take much right now!) How long have you been NC? Do you still miss your AP?

Hi Spark: We have been NC for 4months to the day. The A went on for 4 years (it's crazy to think about that length of time), although the last couple of years we were off and on significantly. In fact, we were NC for 8 months, then back into the grind for a few months before we both hit our breaking point.

 

I do still miss her. I need to do a better job of distancing myself emotionally, which would help. But I know the only way through grief is to grieve. I'm also trying to be accepting of this, feel the pain, process it and then move on when the time is right. I know it will take time, just need to ride it out. Hang in there.

[BigBlueSky]

Hey there SS, so much of what you wrote resonates with me. I'm also a MW and my AP is a MM. I knew him for three years before anything happened. Like your situation, neither of us ever intended to leave our spouses and I am perplexed that I would ever do anything so thoughtless and hurtful towards my family. I only had one boyfriend before my husband and never did anything "bad" growing up. This has made me look deep within myself to try to figure out why I am where I am, and what I need to do to change.

 

Your 30 day break.... Tbh I don't know how effective it will be for you. Use this time to figure out why you got yourself in this mess and what you need to do. Glad you're here on loveshack. There are a lot of great people on here with differing perspectives. Take them all and learn from them.

 

Good luck to you!

[Origin]

If you are obsessing there is a slight slight SLIGHT, chance you’re in limerence.

[freengreen]

It's a car crash waiting to happen. I know that. I read these other threads and I can see it coming a mile off. That's what I'm struggling with. I'm not a stupid person and prior to this I lived a very honest, apple pie kind of life. No vices. Didn't even lie as a teenager! How did I let myself get so far down this destructive path? I'm horrified with myself. Yet there seems to be this devil on my shoulder telling me not to give him up. My cognitive dissonance is huge. I know that no-one can fix this except me.

 

My story too.

 

It was not my self, well I am a brave/ honest person but I got into a phase where I combined my bravery with stupidity, worst ever combination. why??. Go figure! ( I still got no clue on what I was actually thinkinh then.. I was high.kinda)

I just took it as a life lesson I needed to have. Every friend I ever told about it was flabbergasted as they knew me from very young. It is what it is.

 

You have to DO a lot of work to get back to yourself... just saying ‘ I want to but cant’ aint help darls. Good luck.

[Imajerk17]

It's a car crash waiting to happen. I know that. I read these other threads and I can see it coming a mile off. That's what I'm struggling with. I'm not a stupid person and prior to this I lived a very honest, apple pie kind of life. No vices. Didn't even lie as a teenager! How did I let myself get so far down this destructive path? I'm horrified with myself. Yet there seems to be this devil on my shoulder telling me not to give him up. My cognitive dissonance is huge. I know that no-one can fix this except me.

 

At this point though, it's not just about you. It's not only your pain, as others were affected by your terrible choices. Your husband is the real victim here. He is living a lie only he doesn't even know it. He is thinking his wife is faithful to him, but in reality you gave yourself to another man.

 

So, you cannot keep this to yourself. You need to let your husband know what happened. When you see the devastation in his eyes, you will wake right up from your selfish fog.

 

And yes, you need to leave your current hobby group.

Edited October 10, 2017 by Imajerk17

[misspalmy]

I think your missing all the good times you once had. im the same

[deadsoul]

As others have mentioned, you have to treat this as an addiction. Because it is. It isn't real. The 30 day break and LC isn't going to do much, you will both end up right back in it.

 

The only way to break free is 100% NC. No social media, no emails, texts or anything. It's the only way. And it's so hard to do.

 

Look up limerence. You will find so many similarities as I do when I read all these posts.

 

I've learned a lot about myself the past year and none of this has been easy. I still have a long way to go... but the best thing you can do is focus on the here and now and take one day at a time.

 

Also, allow yourself the time to grieve. That's the hardest part because you are dealing with a lot of self-loathing for your actions, but you do have to grieve this. Your first order of business is 100% no contact.

 

It's a tough step, but you can do it.

[Sparkling Storm]

Thanks for all your replies.

 

Here's the thing, I hear you all. You're giving the advice that I would give a friend or a relative. I posted because I knew you would say these things. I know the right course of action.

 

But what really bugs me is that I don't seem to be mentally ready to do what needs to be done. I'm wondering if I really do have to hit rock bottom and lose everything in order to wake up. A good friend told me to picture his W turning up at my front door calling me every name under the sun. Or picture my children's faces as they leave to spend the weekend with their Dad after we inevitably separate. I've read so many stories here - read about the pain caused by the selfishness of an A.

 

Yet, I still haven't done exactly what needs to be done. What the hell is wrong with me? It's like I'm on self-destruct mode and can't find the switch. I do feel like my 'good girl' background might be relevant here. It's like I don't have the life experience to deal with this situation. It feels too big and overwhelming.

 

I'm sorry - I know this response is frustrating. I read other threads and think LISTEN OP! These people have been through it, learn from their pain!! And then you see a few months later that the OP didn't listen at all and was no better off at all. You're not wasting your time, I'm taking it all in.

[Sparkling Storm]

Hey there SS, so much of what you wrote resonates with me. I'm also a MW and my AP is a MM. I knew him for three years before anything happened. Like your situation, neither of us ever intended to leave our spouses and I am perplexed that I would ever do anything so thoughtless and hurtful towards my family. I only had one boyfriend before my husband and never did anything "bad" growing up. This has made me look deep within myself to try to figure out why I am where I am, and what I need to do to change.

 

Your 30 day break.... Tbh I don't know how effective it will be for you. Use this time to figure out why you got yourself in this mess and what you need to do. Glad you're here on loveshack. There are a lot of great people on here with differing perspectives. Take them all and learn from them.

 

Good luck to you!

 

Thanks BBS - what is your situation now? Is your A over or ongoing? The friend thing is so hard and why I can't face NC. Our friendship was such a bright spot in my life. I wish we hadn't crossed the line so we could have kept that. If only I'd had a crystal ball - or LS!

[Imajerk17]

Thanks for all your replies.

 

Here's the thing, I hear you all. You're giving the advice that I would give a friend or a relative. I posted because I knew you would say these things. I know the right course of action.

 

But what really bugs me is that I don't seem to be mentally ready to do what needs to be done. I'm wondering if I really do have to hit rock bottom and lose everything in order to wake up. A good friend told me to picture his W turning up at my front door calling me every name under the sun. Or picture my children's faces as they leave to spend the weekend with their Dad after we inevitably separate. I've read so many stories here - read about the pain caused by the selfishness of an A.

 

Yet, I still haven't done exactly what needs to be done. What the hell is wrong with me? It's like I'm on self-destruct mode and can't find the switch. I do feel like my 'good girl' background might be relevant here. It's like I don't have the life experience to deal with this situation. It feels too big and overwhelming.

 

I'm sorry - I know this response is frustrating. I read other threads and think LISTEN OP! These people have been through it, learn from their pain!! And then you see a few months later that the OP didn't listen at all and was no better off at all. You're not wasting your time, I'm taking it all in.

 

Wow. Your **own kids' ** happiness at stake here and you STILL can't pull away? Talk about being selfish! I'm not being mean, I'm just being honest. You know what you are doing is causing your loved ones a WORLD of devastation but you still are going to keep doing it. You're putting your own desires ahead of the needs of your husband and kids to feel "safe" with you.

 

You truly don't seem to get how dire your situation is--or maybe you don't really care, otherwise there would be a helluva lot more urgency of your part to be putting things right. You are NOT a safe person for your family right now. There is also an utter lack of accountability in this post of yours too. Not mentally ready, your good-girl upbringing means no life experience, ect. Well that's BS. It's not "overwhelming" as you say it is though, you just keep insisting on making horrible choices. Take some responsibility!

Edited October 11, 2017 by Imajerk17

[kittencupcake]

Ok..think about it this way. Is MM more important to you than your children? Because if you continue on with the affair, that's exactly what you'll be conveying to them when they inevitably find out. That a little fun in bed with a man who's not their daddy was much more important to you than they are.

 

I truly hope that the knowledge of the deep, irreparable and irreversible psychological damage you will do to your children is a sobering enough thought to shake you out of this insanity.

 

Are you willing to risk your children's mental health and your relationships with them for this affair? If so, by all means, continue.

 

Believe me, I speak from experience on this. My father cheated on my mother. I haven't spoken to him in 15 years. Is that what you want with your kids?

[Southern Sun]

Thanks for all your replies.

 

Here's the thing, I hear you all. You're giving the advice that I would give a friend or a relative. I posted because I knew you would say these things. I know the right course of action.

 

But what really bugs me is that I don't seem to be mentally ready to do what needs to be done. I'm wondering if I really do have to hit rock bottom and lose everything in order to wake up. A good friend told me to picture his W turning up at my front door calling me every name under the sun. Or picture my children's faces as they leave to spend the weekend with their Dad after we inevitably separate. I've read so many stories here - read about the pain caused by the selfishness of an A.

 

Yet, I still haven't done exactly what needs to be done. What the hell is wrong with me? It's like I'm on self-destruct mode and can't find the switch. I do feel like my 'good girl' background might be relevant here. It's like I don't have the life experience to deal with this situation. It feels too big and overwhelming.

 

I'm sorry - I know this response is frustrating. I read other threads and think LISTEN OP! These people have been through it, learn from their pain!! And then you see a few months later that the OP didn't listen at all and was no better off at all. You're not wasting your time, I'm taking it all in.

 

I know the responses from people who've never been there will be like - OMG!! How could you!! You are soooo selfish!! You are putting yourself over your kidssssss.

 

And I guess you are. All of us waywards did at some point.

 

I cannot explain how we can be told we are going to lose everything and STILL DO those things. I think there is a very large amount of denial going on. Like major head in sand stuff. We just do NOT get it. We do not understand the hurt and devastation our actions will cause. And sometimes, even after seeing some of the hurt and devastation, we keep going. Because we still really don't get it. Seeing it is not experiencing it. I am betting that betrayed spouses have NO CLUE of the pain they will feel until they feel it. Nobody gets it.

 

I do not think having an affair makes you an automatic bad person. I think it's pretty easy to get into one, actually. If we don't have our boundaries up, it can happen. Once you are in...that's the trouble. Getting out of an affair takes FAR more effort than getting into one.

 

Maybe that's the best advice I can leave you with. You will have to take far more purposeful action to get out than what you did to get in. You may not be very motivated to do that right now, because you haven't had any consequences. The other thing I will leave you with is - time is not on your side.

[MuddyFootprints]

The quickest way to be done with it is to disclose. You won't need to play the imagination game anymore.

[freengreen]

Its all rosy when the major part of your life is intact PLUS you get extra. But when you lose the major and left with the extra....it no more cool.

[BigBlueSky]

Thanks BBS - what is your situation now? Is your A over or ongoing? The friend thing is so hard and why I can't face NC. Our friendship was such a bright spot in my life. I wish we hadn't crossed the line so we could have kept that. If only I'd had a crystal ball - or LS!

 

Hi SS, I want to say that I feel like I am in a better place than I was when I first posted. I feel more clarity on what I want, which is my marriage and family. Although there was connection and friendship with my AP there was always a lingering guilt and anxiousness that never went away. I am still working through things now. We are in LC but I realize how unhealthy that is and need to work through why I feel the need to hang on. I'm working on cutting him out completely. I've realized it is the only way to move forward and heal. But it is so hard letting go. I hate that I'm losing a friend, but I could be losing much much more and it could be so much worse.

[DKT3]

Hi SS, I want to say that I feel like I am in a better place than I was when I first posted. I feel more clarity on what I want, which is my marriage and family. Although there was connection and friendship with my AP there was always a lingering guilt and anxiousness that never went away. I am still working through things now. We are in LC but I realize how unhealthy that is and need to work through why I feel the need to hang on. I'm working on cutting him out completely. I've realized it is the only way to move forward and heal. But it is so hard letting go. I hate that I'm losing a friend, but I could be losing much much more and it could be so much worse.

 

He is not your friend. It just what you use to maintain a relationship....let your husband go already.

 

OP you can make excuses to justify things or you can step up be an adult and make a decision and stick to it. No one here is a teenager who doesn't have a fully mature brain to make decisions. Thing is if you want to have an affair you will if you don't you wont. Don't make excuses or convince yourself it's out of your control or somehow some earth shattering decision. It's not, either do or don't.

Edited October 13, 2017 by DKT3

[grass-hopper]

This post/thread speaks volumes to me. I’ve been dealing with my own indiscretions as a MW in an A with a MM coworker. It’s debilitating. I find myself infatuated with him. Unable to stop myself. All the while aware of every repercussion and wrong attached to this. But still I can’t let go. It is an addiction. And I am fearful of the hole I am digging myself into.

This post and replies bring my own shame to light. And I ask myself how I have become this person.

You are not alone. But you are further ahead in your journey and I offer you encouragement and hope as you continue in the right path and I only hope to find my own courage to begin in the right direction and begin being selfless and think of the real love I have in my life versus this fantasy of lies.