I don't even want him! But can't stop thinking about it.

[deadsoul]

I stand by what I wrote 100 percent. No apologies.

 

If you go back and reread, you'll see that I didn't call anyone evil. I said it was evil to knowingly keep causing others severe harm. (Do you disagree w this?) It's more than "selfish", by the way.

 

I asked you to clarify since you said you didn't agree with SS's statement, then added that it was evil. Her statement was that we are not bad people.

 

That's not what you said before. Semantics. I still would not use the word evil, but it is horrible to knowingly keep causing others severe harm. That doesn't make you a horrible person, but the actions are awful. Maybe even evil. There's a difference.

 

See but the above is just classic Wayward Thinking though. It shows a lack of responsibility for your own choices and decisions. OP is not "in a bad situation", a bad situation is when you lose your job or when you find out you have cancer. Instead OP's problem is that she DECIDED to keep having sex with another man besides her husband, the consequences to her poor unsuspecting husband and kids be damned. Let's call things for what they are here.

 

Well, I'm a wayward. So I guess I think waywardly. But I completely disagree that it shows a lack of responsibility for my own choices and decisions. I own them. I own them all. But you have a right to your opinion and I have a right not to believe you.

 

I don't disagree that she DECIDED to have sex with another man. I mentioned above about choices. Which is the same as deciding. Or at least pretty close. You can make bad choices and still be in a bad situation. Maybe you lose your job because you were drinking or showing up late. That's a bad situation that you chose those actions. Cancer? Well, I'm not going to argue that one. It just sucks all the way around. Bottom line is it can be a bad situation even when you cause it.

 

Again, Its not my intention to trigger anyone here, but I see what I wrote as the truth. Meanwhile OP needs to be hit w a crowbar--either by seeing the devastation on husband and children's faces, or being so disgusted by her own behaviour, to WAKE UP and snap the hell out of it. Being told 'there there you're only human here's a blanket and a cup of warm milk' aint gonna cut it.

 

Yeah, you did trigger me with your "evil" comment. And with your "typical wayward thinking that shows I'm not taking responsibility." comment. I've worked hard to take responsibility. but I don't know why I felt the need to justify myself to you. Because I don't need to. I need to only justify my actions to my family. So thank you for making me think about that.

 

Yes, she does need to wake up, and why not show someone some empathy whether or not you agree with her choices? We will have to agree to disagree here. Who knows whose way is right? If you go to sleep at night happy with your actions, who am I to judge? I only need to worry about being happy with my own actions

 

ETA: WHEN her husband finds out (not if), he will be saying many many more harsh things to OP than I ever said. Just saying.

 

True. And maybe she needs to hear those harsh things. Maybe not. It's not my place to say those harsh things, but if you feel it's yours to deliver that crowbar to people, keep on keeping on. I know that some people spoke harshly to me in a way that made me think they were truly trying to be helpful. And I am thankful for that.

[deadsoul]

Southern, keep taking it one day at a time. That is the best you can do right now, and sticking with it will make you stronger. Also, IC would be beneficial to you right now.

 

Re: this site. I have been here for many years. And I have found that, even years after my A and d-day, there are posts that piss me off. Those posts usually address an issue I haven't fully dealt with yet (which is why they piss me off!). Then I can think about the issue and address it. So think of it this way...if the posts are making you mad/uncomfortable, then they're probably doing their job.

 

Good point. But I also wonder about some people's true motives and I guess I need to quit doing that.

 

Like I said earlier, you have a choice to be who you want to be moving forward. Your past choices are all on you and you now have a chance to learn and change direction. It isn't easy. It's really freaking hard facing all of the hurtful and selfish things one has done. You can either say "F This" and walk away or stick your hands in the dirt and start building a new wall of integrity one brick at a time. It's up to you.

 

Good luck, I am sending you strength.

 

I know this is directed to OP, but I'm taking in these words today, so thank you.

 

Bowing out ungracefully (as I am a klutz and I would probably trip).

[malvern99]

I own and take responsibility for everything I’ve done. That doesn’t make me a good person either. It makes me a flawed human. I can live with that.

 

I disagree. If you truly own and take responsibility for everything you've done, that makes you a good person who made bad decisions in their past.

[malvern99]

Malvern, I wish this, too.

 

And I can feel my unsympathetic and angry (and possibly realistic?) line of thinking wanting to lash out by saying, "A LOT of quests altering our lives - where we have little or no say in decisions - involve others making decisions, many overtly callous, that produce a TON of collateral damage!" World governments come to mind. The person that almost hit my car doing 90mph comes to mind.

 

But I know that this is comparing apples to oranges. I am not married, but I have learned, albeit by having been involved in an affair, that deciding to accept such a responsibility as being married means that I would have to have boundaries to protect at least two people as best as I could.

 

In my experience, the emotional turmoil became a problem after the self-destructive choices had been made. One would have to be gifted with The Sight or at least amazing foresight most of the time to be able to realize real consequences before actions are taken. Before the choice, I had no real idea of the significant cost(s) of my choice(s). There are some things I don't think I would've learned without having been involved in an affair. Of course, this path to learning was not at all ideal. And I wish both of us had made different choices.

 

You totally get it. You can't control the actions of others, but you certainly can be accountable to yourself.

[BluesPower]

Sparkling Storm, let me try a different approach...

 

I am a BH and a WH (Betrayed husband and wayward Husband) so in some cases, I have a little different perspective.

 

I have written on many of the initial threads of some of the more active posters that are in fact talking to you.

 

Now, since my STBXW is also stalking me on LS I wont list my complete list of "achievements" but I kind of have been around.

 

Some here have use some really harsh words, some not as harsh, but you should know that all of them are trying to help you. All of us have lived one side of this issue or another, I have lived both.

 

The word evil seems to really hurt and trigger a lot of people, and maybe it is too harsh, but it is what it is.

 

I want you to think about this from another perspective. I want you to think about how he is going to feel when he finds out. Odds are that he will, either someone will rat you out, or one of you will get caught and the other spouse will tell everyone, or you will feel so guilty that you confess as some have.

 

Now this all is based on you actually still loving your husband and him still loving you, but if that is true I want you to understand some of what will happen when he finds out.

 

What you will see is a man, that you at one time saw the benefit in marrying, a man that you loved and had children with...

 

1) You will see that man's soul die in front of your eyes. It will take a few minutes until he starts to realize what you or he is saying, but you will have the view that few people have of watching the soul of someone that you love crumble in front of your eyes. And you will know that your selfishness caused what you are seeing to happen.

 

2) You will see the man that you love or loved become weak in front of your eyes. Whether he was a strong man, or not so strong of a man, you will see any strength that he ever had leave him. He will wonder if he is even a man any more.

 

3) You will see a look of pain on his face that you did not even know existed. In fact, you will be horrified about the amount of pain that you have caused this man, that you once loved.

 

4) And you will see his love for you die a little too. The one woman that he worked hard for, the one woman that he loved, the one woman that he wanted to raise children with... well she screwed him over in the worst way a woman can, by giving herself to another man. The man that she gave herself to is more passionate and better in bed than her husband and you now love that man, not the man that has worked his whole life for his family.

 

BTW, the sex is more passionate and better because for the most part, it is new and forbidden. Not because he really is that much better, and if you had your OM in real life, what would you really have, another cheater like you.

 

5) You will realize at that point the you have singlehandedly destroyed your entire life with your own 2 hands.

 

So I would like for you to think about what I am telling you. If you think it is an exaggeration, ask some of the men here, or woman, that have been betrayed, if you have the courage.

 

I do wish you luck out of this mess that you are in...

Edited October 17, 2017 by BluesPower

[BourneWicked]

 

BTW, the sex is more passionate and better because for the most part, it is new and forbidden. Not because he really is that much better, and if you had your OM in real life, what would you really have, another cheater like you.

 

 

Thank you for this Blues. Thanks for 1-4. These are things I needed to hear, reminders of why I need to get straight in my own head. The one thing I cling to... the one thing that I could tell my betrayed SO in the event of d-day... is that the sex with him was better. That he's still the best sex I've ever had.

 

People say affair sex is better. The excitement and the off limits factors do make it good... but maybe lack of practice or something, I had one really good sexual experience with MM. Other than that... it was more the connection and the excitement.

 

Anyway, stuff I'm trying to focus on in my current situation. Appreciate this post.