My insecurities are ruining my relationship

[Miffy22]

I need help.

I feel like I’m on a downward spiral and I don’t even know where to start.

I don’t want to bore anybody so I’ll keep this as short as I possibly can.

I am the most negative person I know. I have always been insecure, jealous, has low self esteem and everything that goes with it. I can’t think of anything positive in any aspect of life, something negative always takes over and I think about it until I think myself into a depressed mood. Especially in my relationship.

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years I love him dearly he is a great partner, thoughtful, affectionate, loyal honest - everything I could ask for in a partner.

We were “unofficial” for almost a year in the beginning, he had been in a terrible relationship which ended horribly and I understood he didn’t want to jump into anything serious as he hadn’t been in a relationship since, (4years prior).

Last night (this is a regular occurrence) everything was fine we were talking about our days and how work had been etc. Then, because something must’ve triggered this thought in my mind and I couldn’t rest until I mentioned it, so I blurt out “did you sleep with anyone in that time we were unofficial” he got mad because he said I always bring up the past and am always negative for no reason whatsoever and that I’ve never got anything positive to say about us or him or our relationship (even though I know there a positives, my mind is over thinking all these what ifs) . I believe he slept with someone before we got together but he says he didn’t. I’ve got no reason to doubt him and even if he did then surely it’s irrelevant and I should not even be thinking about what happened before we were a couple, I mean, what the hell?

He’s always been loyal to me since we’ve been a couple, and I just get these ridiculous ideas in my head about the past - like 2-3 years ago! and things in the future which could happen but haven’t happened yet.

This is about the 100th time I’ve argued with him over something like this when my thoughts take over. My other half is getting seriously tired of my sh*t and me giving him the third degree about things that I think happened before we got together. I am behaving extremely irrationally, I am insanely jealous and I can’t stop my mind from thinking the worst scenario in every situation even when I’ve got no reason to. It’s happened before, countless times and I’ve promised to stop doing this. However I can’t stop my mind from working overtime.

Please can someone give me some constructive advice as I feel I’m ruining my relationship and possibly my life. I’m obsessing over the most ridiculous things and I’m driving my partner away. He does not deserve this, I need to get some kind of grip and stop being insecure/negative.

I have considered counselling and/or therapy, I just don’t know where to start. I feel sorry for my boyfriend, I am out of control. I don’t really know why he is still with me.

[Gaeta]

You do need therapy.

 

Search for a therapist that specializes in anxiety and jealousy. If you have a hard time finding one ask your doctor to refer you one.

 

Don't wait for this to break your relationship or damage it to a point of no return. As long as you don't seek help this pattern will repeat over and over.

[OneLov]

You need to change your thinking patterns. To do this you must accept you cannot control thoughts, but you can control how you process those thoughts.

 

What is the benefit of indulging in your fears? You cannot control what others do to you anymore than you can control the weather. If someone is going to f@*# you over all the negativity in the world is not going to stop it.

 

You must accept there is always going to be an element of unpredictability in life. People who indulge in unbridled pessimism are usually control freaks. The unwarranted negativity lends itself to creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. In that sense, it provides you with the best chance to control the situation. If you can set yourself up for failure before you begin; you have a the greatest chance to lose.

 

Let it go. Life is too short. If you are always worried about the destination; you will never enjoy the ride.

[knabe]

My mom had a saying: You cannot control which birds fly over your head, but you CAN control which ones build a nest in your hair.

 

Yes. You CAN.

 

It take a conscious decision to open your mouth and begin using your vocal chords. So that means you CAN control these questions and outbursts. As far as thinking, make a list of positive things about your man and the relationship. When you start questioning and in the spiral, snap a rubber band HARD on your wrist, then take out the positive list.

 

It really is simple - you just STOP.

 

It may not be easy, but it is simple.

[Lobouspo]

OP, I can relate to your post, as I have been in therapy for similar issues. It goes without saying that anxious, insecure behaviour is a huge turn off and will drive your SO away. One thing I have learned from therapy is take your partner off a pedestal and concentrate on you. Try to be the best most loving girlfriend, but set boundaries and have a life of your own. Maintain healthy relationships with family and friends. Workout, have something positive in your life that doesn't necessarily involve your BF. Break those negative thought patterns that creep into your mind. When you get those thoughts/feelings coming on, give him a kiss, be affectionate and loving, but not to the point of being needy or clingy. If these things enter your mind when you are alone, workout, do something physical to blow some steam off. It's a process OP. Find a good therapist and work on loving yourself. You'll get there, take it day by day and know you'll have bumps along the way.

[heretoh3lp]

I went to therapy for 2 and a half years for my trust issues. Granted, my started from my sister, but as they continue to build up, trust issues are trust issues. I was just like you. Overly jealous, scared of people lying to me. I ruined every relationship I was in. I ruined friendships, too.

 

Here's my advice: forgive the people who hurt you. It was the best thing that I could've done for myself. Don't forgive them for them, forgive them for you. A weight will be lifted off of your chest when you finally let all of that hurt and pain go, whatever it is coming from.

 

Go to therapy. It is not as taboo as you think. I walked out of that room on my last day of therapy with a smile on my face. It was a cleansing, helpful experience, and it is worth it.

 

Good luck to you.

[irishlassie]

Miffy22,

I know exactly how you feel. I've been married since January and have all sorts of insecurities still. I freak out all the time, saying one day he'll just get fed up with me and leave me. Or my depression will be too much and he'll just forget all about me. Insecurities are really hard. One thing I did was go to counseling, which I believe you mentioned. It really helped me a lot. My counselor helped me work through some insecurities and stuff with my husband. Maybe start there. I know there is a free service that can help you out. The number is 1-855-771-4357. Most importantly, don't give up. It's so huge that you've noticed what's going on and that you want to change. Deep breaths, honey. Prayers for you.