somuchfortheone Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 Just curious if anyone else has seen this.. my ex left me for his AP.. they've doing the A for a little over 2 years but she moved out and divorced in April and he moved out 2.5 months ago... in that time he's spent 18,000 and has almost maxed out his credit cards and isn't appearing to be slowing down on the spending... I mean in the next two months he'll have to because he won't have a choice ... but curious if anyone has gone through this or seen it happen to Someone? Any idea why? Is it because the affair high is wearing off and they are trying to keep that high? I just can't understand it Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 I just wrote in another post... about this spending I do have a habit of quality gifting but I do it for the special few. But I spent a bit over £800 on someone I just knew over the period of 8 months. I think I wanted him to show that his company was more worth than money or may be because I wanted to compensate because I wasnt there physically for him, he never saw me in person in last 20 yrs ( more irony!!!) He knew I was ready to spend so he asked, he asked me expensive stuff ( even he would not have bought it for himself) and I gave. Its the fog and the urge to make ourself more ‘caring’ and ‘involved’ that this gush of spending comes from. I am sorry you are going thu this.. its unfair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 This is guesswork rather than anything backed by data, but I would expect it's a combination of factors: trying to impress an AP that you may have wooed with expensive gifts setting up a new apartment/lifestyle requires a lot of expenses once you've decided to "follow your heart" and stop being practical and responsible it's probably easy to give into other temptation whims and get all the things you "weren't allowed" to have/do as a sensible married man once you've gotten used to spending like crazy it's a rush and hard to stop, and it doesn't seem like a little bit more will make any difference anyway, so why not keep going? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 Spending habits. More relationships are sunk by them than anything else. There are spenders and savers. So without knowing if your ex switched from being a saver to a spender its hard to tell. He may be spending to set up his life, he may be spending because he feels she is slipping away and that is the only way to keep her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cymbeline Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 There could be a number of reasons. One is to maintain the fantasy and thrills which will be subsiding fast. He may want to maintain the free spending, successful version of himself he presented during the affair. Marriage break ups are destabilising and he could be distracting himself and staving off guilt by spending. It’s hard not to see it as compensatory in some way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted October 11, 2017 Author Share Posted October 11, 2017 I wish I could say this was productive spending (setting up his life) but it's not...I gave him our bedroom furniture, living room furniture ...all he had to buy furniture wise was a sofa...so this is really just wining, dining, events, and accessories...just "fun" stuff 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amomwhoknows Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 your post history is confusing. Have you divorced yet or legally separated? If not, he is spending marital funds. Since the affair started before you divorced, you may be entitled to some reimbursement of the funds. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 I was also wondering if you are still married to this guy? If he is your husband then can you be held responsible for his debts? Are you receiving alimony or child support from him? If he is spending marital funds or money that should be going to your children then you need to consult a lawyer in a hurry. If there are no kids or you are divorced, then how do you know how much he is spending? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MandoGirl Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 It’s a honeymoon thing. Not really unique to affair relationships, though the excitement in finally being able to do things together as a couple may be contributing it. But it’s that period of financial adjustment and such that most people have when they do major life milestones together. My AP and I did it when we moved in together, again when our child was born, again when we got married, and now we are fighting against doing it as we buy our first house. Did it with my first husband too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 your post history is confusing. Have you divorced yet or legally separated? If not, he is spending marital funds. Since the affair started before you divorced, you may be entitled to some reimbursement of the funds. This. Known as dispensation of assets. What he's doing is wrong and can hurt you tremendously. If you would file for divorce, you could be reimbursed. You should protect yourself instead of letting him run all over you. It is, by the way, the ONLY WAY you might get him back. If you even want him back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted October 11, 2017 Author Share Posted October 11, 2017 your post history is confusing. Have you divorced yet or legally separated? If not, he is spending marital funds. Since the affair started before you divorced, you may be entitled to some reimbursement of the funds. We have signed divorce paperwork and in the paperwork it says anything after that date we are finally separate and responsible for our own debts. He has not filed the paperwork yet. I'm not filing because I didn't want the divorce - he needs to do it because this is what he chose. If at some point I want to see someone and I have to file, I will but for now, I'm making him do it. No children (he has a child that I see but none together), so alimony, no child support - we are completely financially separate at this point. I know his financial situation because of the things he's said here and there and he was having a hard time with his credit card processing and asked me to log in for him (I have all the log ins because I handled the finances when we were together) - he was putting rent on his credit card and that's when I realized he was really in a mess and it's only been 2.5 months since he's moved out. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 We have signed divorce paperwork and in the paperwork it says anything after that date we are finally separate and responsible for our own debts. He has not filed the paperwork yet. I'm not filing because I didn't want the divorce - he needs to do it because this is what he chose. If at some point I want to see someone and I have to file, I will but for now, I'm making him do it. No children (he has a child that I see but none together), so alimony, no child support - we are completely financially separate at this point. I know his financial situation because of the things he's said here and there and he was having a hard time with his credit card processing and asked me to log in for him (I have all the log ins because I handled the finances when we were together) - he was putting rent on his credit card and that's when I realized he was really in a mess and it's only been 2.5 months since he's moved out. Please work on detaching from him. Insulate yourself from knowing anything about his life. In his mind you are always going to be there, picking up the pieces, and fixing things for him. He isn't going to file, but that doesn't stop you from living your life. Keep in mind that you may miss out on a good man due to your marital status. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 hope you talked to your attorney about that date so that you can avoid his debt. Sorry for your pain. He is not a prize. hope for some peace for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted October 13, 2017 Author Share Posted October 13, 2017 hope you talked to your attorney about that date so that you can avoid his debt. Sorry for your pain. He is not a prize. hope for some peace for you. Thank you Harry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author somuchfortheone Posted October 13, 2017 Author Share Posted October 13, 2017 Please work on detaching from him. Insulate yourself from knowing anything about his life. In his mind you are always going to be there, picking up the pieces, and fixing things for him. He isn't going to file, but that doesn't stop you from living your life. Keep in mind that you may miss out on a good man due to your marital status. I have been working on detaching. I don't reach out first ever. I haven't seen him/spoken to him in 5 days and today was our dating anniversary (would've been 9 years)..if I would have reached out first, today would've been the day. I haven't cried over him in a few weeks. I'm getting stronger, bouncing back, being more productive.. more at peace and happier. I won't lie and say that if he woke up and really fought for our marriage, I won't consider it... but I'm not lying in a puddle of tears and begging him to come home. He knows I'm not waiting on him. Thank you for your help as always 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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