She is perfect, but I don't feel anything? Thoughts?

[soconfused89]

Hi everyone.

 

Ive been seeing this girl for some time now, and she is amazing.

She is kind, caring, she is there for me whenever I need it. She is positive, she has a great sense of humour, she makes me laugh, she is warm, she has a heart of gold, extremely attractive and beautiful (people always tell me I'm "punching above my weight") we have similar interests, similar goals in life, religious values, moral values. We get along so well, she supports me through everything. I have an anxiety disorder, and she has patiently every single time supported me through all my worries.

 

She is the only person in this world I can talk to about ANYTHING. It gets tough sometimes being able to talk about things when you are a man, theres a certain expectation of how you should be...but with her, Im not embarrassed to tell her anything. She treats me amazingly, she loves me..and she has genuinely been there for me through my darkest time. She's been there when I was ill, poor, depressed...and much more. I cannot fault her. My family and friends love her and she treats them very well. She's got her life together.

 

However, the problem is, I don't feel that euphoric "butterflies in the stomach, amazing spark" kind of feeling. I do feel that occasionally, sometimes it comes and sometimes it goes. I really do not understand why! The only thing that "puts me off" is that she is petite (5'2 and I am 6'0). It sometimes makes me feel like others think we look strange together (typical thoughts due to my anxiety). Other than that, there is nothing I can fault.

 

I don't want to lose her, but at the same time I don't want to keep her around to be selfish. I don't know if my thoughts are valid or not...I want the feelings to get stronger. I know I'm never going to find someone like her. She is genuinely my best friend. I feel SAFE with her, and its such a huge thing for me. I just don't understand why I don't feel MORE. I feel like if I leave her, I'm going to make the biggest mistake Ive ever made..I just don't know!

 

Before her, I was with a woman who I felt SO STRONGLY for. I was head over heels, I always felt the spark, butterflies, fireworks! However, it turned out to be the most damaging relationship ever. It actually made me ill. She was abusive, manipulative, she lied in every sentence, cheated on me with 10 others, had multiple relationships at once, she made me BEG for the truth, she tortured me, I would be on the floor crying (I barely ever cry) and she would laugh in my face and call me a psychopath.

It horrifies me that I felt so strongly for my ex, who was evil...but I can't for someone who has the most beautiful heart in the world and could hurt a soul.

 

What do I do...Please advice, Please help.. I think about this all the time and it gets to me so much..

[Miss Spider]

How long have you been out of your relationship? Do you still have feelings for the last woman?

[soconfused89]

Me and the evil broke up 2+ years ago now. No feelings. Just regrets of why I wasted my time on someone like her.

[Lattes4Days]

I just wanted to chime in here really quick, but I have NEVER heard a guy complain about a woman being petite. I am 5'3 and my boyfriend is 6'1. We fit great together and I get to wear high heels, which I could never do with my shorter ex. You can easily lift her and carry her anywhere - that's cute. She fits easily next to you when you two cuddle. She can get on her tippy toes to kiss you - that's also cute. My boyfriend loves to pick me up and toss me around like a bag of potatoes - it is so fun.

 

 

Anyway, my second point is, if you honestly don't feel any attraction or chemistry with her, then you are essentially wasting her time. Don't you think she deserves someone who WOULD feel those fireworks for her? Wouldn't you feel like you were settling if you stayed with her?

[elaine567]

You are not attracted to her full stop.

You realise she is great and ticks most of your boxes but there is something missing.

Unfortunately once a person tangles with the dark side which your ex sounds like she was, it can be difficult to appreciate honest to goodness "normal" people.

The addiction to drama and chaos and pain and fireworks is difficult to let go of.

Yes, you got free and yes, you are over her, but now you are with Lack-lustre Louise and she does nothing for you.

Too small, too nice, too good, and dare I say it, too boring...

She cannot follow that act, so let her go.

[soconfused89]

Actually she isn’t boring at all.

She’s got a big bubbly personality, is adventurous and definately has a very naughty side.

 

I wouldn’t want any girl to follow my ex’s act. She made me unwell and put me in depression. I wouldn’t wish my worst enemy the pain I felt when I was with her...

[Miss Spider]

I agree with Elaine. You aren't attracted to her. Attraction is a tricky thing. It's biological,chemical,social... You can see someone recognize someone as good looking, but still not be attracted to them. She may be what you think you should want in looks/personality but not what you want. When you find what you really want you'll feel teh sparks

[soconfused89]

Well my biggest problem is that I only seem to be attracted to women who end up being extremely awful to me..

I’m afraid that if I let this one go, I will regret this.

[Miss Spider]

Well my biggest problem is that I only seem to be attracted to women who end up being extremely awful to me..

I’m afraid that if I let this one go, I will regret this.

 

was your evil ex abusive from the start and did you feel butterflies from the start?

 

There are people like this too. They are attracted to drama and women who aren't as sweet/interested in them

[Lattes4Days]

If you're only attracted to women who are extremely awful to you, that means your future children will have an extremely awful mother. That's really not cool.

 

 

Yes, you may regret this. You may also leave her for a really mean woman you run into in a year. So you're not really doing her any favors by sticking around if you don't love her.

 

 

Just keep this in mind - when you're old, you're going to want a sweet woman by your side, not a mean one.

[Chilli]

When l was single l met some beautiful women, as in the person they were and all the other ways. l'd curse myself at what could've been if only but--- nothing , nada .

lt's most likely just not there for you l'm afraid.

Unfortunately you might meet the best mix in the world but it doesn't mean we fall in love.

 

The only other thing it could be is evil effd with your mind and heart so much your still subconsciously not letting yourself feel now.

Edited October 11, 2017 by Chilli

[elaine567]

Actually she isn’t boring at all.

She’s got a big bubbly personality, is adventurous and definately has a very naughty side.

 

I wouldn’t want any girl to follow my ex’s act. She made me unwell and put me in depression. I wouldn’t wish my worst enemy the pain I felt when I was with her...

 

One part of you sees that it is unhealthy to be in a toxic relationship.

 

Well my biggest problem is that I only seem to be attracted to women who end up being extremely awful to me..

I’m afraid that if I let this one go, I will regret this.

 

The other part of you NEEDS a woman who treats you bad.

 

I guess there is something in your FOO that makes you see such women as attractive.

[soconfused89]

To be frank, I’m still traumatised by my ex. She lives in the same very small town. I don’t have feelings for her. I just honestly hate her. She did the most horrible things to me and just moved on to someone else who she seems so happy with now.. and I can’t even seem to Love the amazing woman I am with. My ex made me unwell. I had to seek help. And what still bothers me is that I never got my revenge. I am not saying I would harm her, it’s just a feeling of injustice. Someone came in to my life and watched me fall apart, I nearly lost my job... yet she had no remorse. I’m left broken. I still have occasional nightmares about her, flashbacks and when I see her I feel sick..

[soconfused89]

It’s not that I actively seek women who are horrible to me. The ones I end up all those fireworks and butterflies for just end up being horrible later on. In the beginning they are intriguing and catch my attention but when I really get to know them.. awful.

[soconfused89]

Cookiesanddough:

She wasn’t evil from the start.

She was mysterious, intriguing..sexual.

 

Her true personality appeared towards the end of our relationship, that’s when I found out about all her lies and games. I never used to tell her about my personal stuff in life, never about anything deep. She never knew about my anxiety.. which is a big part of my life.

[heavenonearth]

My boyfriend is 6'3 and I am 5'4. I love that he is so tall and he loves that I am so petite. It makes him feel protective over me and it makes me feel safe with him. Tall and strong guys are hot

 

Anyway, it is sad that you don't feel this way for such a wonderful girl, but if the spark isn't there, the spark isn't there. How long have you guys been together now!? How do you know she loves you. Has she told you? Have you told her that you love her? How is the sex?

 

I dated a guy last year who I had amazing chemistry with. We were almost the same person, we had so much in common. We liked the same movies, music, humor, we could talk about almost anything. But he didn't feel that spark. I have to admit he was 33 and before me, he was in a relationship with a girl for four years (!), and he did not love her. He told me that he felt more for me than for her, but he was still searching for a kind of love that he once had when he was in his early 20s, with his first girlfriend. I think he compared everything with her.

 

Now we actually have become quite close friends, and he's telling me he regrets that he didn't try more with me, because he feels like he let a good one go. I still think we wouldn't have been happy together, but I am a person who also only goes for the "all or nothing" kind of relationship. The one where I feel head over heels, butterflies everywhere.

These kind of loves are rare, though. I had a few of them, and they were all very destructive. Just like yours.

But now, I am with someone who makes me feel like heaven and we are in a very healthy relationship. Full of mutual respect and admiration, full of love and excitement.

I am now 30. He's 38. We are not the youngest anymore. And yet we found each other, like perfect puzzle pieces.

 

You don't have to settle, ever. The right one will be out there. And she will make you feel like you've never loved before.

 

But,.. for that to happen, you need to be honest with yourself now, and also with your current girl.

Edited October 11, 2017 by heavenonearth

[Miss Spider]

Cookiesanddough:

She wasn’t evil from the start.

She was mysterious, intriguing..sexual.

 

Her true personality appeared towards the end of our relationship, that’s when I found out about all her lies and games. I never used to tell her about my personal stuff in life, never about anything deep. She never knew about my anxiety.. which is a big part of my life.

 

Yeah...that tends to happen. . . I am sorry. She sounds terrible.

 

 

"She was mysterious, intriguing..sexual." ....This might be what gets you going vs predictable, sweet, innocent...? Maybe someone taller too? I don't know. I would not keep dating this girl if you are having doubts, though. It's just not fair to her imo

 

 

Maybe you would consider counseling as well to work out the residual emotions and rage you feel about last rship

[soconfused89]

She’s told me she loves me. I couldn’t say it back. We’ve been together for 9 months. She’s great sexually. Really loving too. I love cuddling and clingy women lol and she is that. She’s anything I would ever want in someone. I would want my children to have her as a morher.

Maybe she’s ‘too available’?

 

I don’t want to lose her and later on think that I wasn’t realistic. The friends who I can talk to about these things tell me that those butterflies don’t last forever, and that you develop a more mature love. They all have good healthy relationships. A lot of them said, if I let her go.. I will regret it. And I will probably want her back because she’s not available. I’m just so confused. I don’t want to be unfair. I just don’t know if I should try more.

[soconfused89]

Yeah...that tends to happen. . . I am sorry. She sounds terrible.

 

 

"She was mysterious, intriguing..sexual." ....This might be what gets you going vs predictable, sweet, innocent...? Maybe someone taller too? I don't know. I would not keep dating this girl if you are having doubts, though. It's just not fair to her imo

 

 

Maybe you would consider counseling as well to work out the residual emotions and rage you feel about last rship

 

She is terrible. She put me in a dark hole, some days I still feel like I’m there. Flashbacks and nightmares. She laughed in my face when I was crying on the floor. I’ve never weeped like that in my life. Her family was the same, they used to call me a psychopath. I feel damaged because of her. She made me feel special by ‘loving’ me, but I didn’t know she was ‘loving’ so many others at the same time. She had unprotected sex with me and someone else only hours between. She did this on many occasions. She put me at risk.

I want to be with someone who’s kind and caring as my girlfriend is now. She is amazing, I can’t even explain how kind she is. I wish so much that I loved her.. I don’t want to end up with a horrible person, and as Lattes4Days mentioned.. a horrible mother to my children.

I feel so broken.

[Miss Spider]

She is terrible. She put me in a dark hole, some days I still feel like I’m there. Flashbacks and nightmares. She laughed in my face when I was crying on the floor. I’ve never weeped like that in my life. Her family was the same, they used to call me a psychopath. I feel damaged because of her. She made me feel special by ‘loving’ me, but I didn’t know she was ‘loving’ so many others at the same time. She had unprotected sex with me and someone else only hours between. She did this on many occasions. She put me at risk.

I want to be with someone who’s kind and caring as my girlfriend is now. She is amazing, I can’t even explain how kind she is. I wish so much that I loved her.. I don’t want to end up with a horrible person, and as Lattes4Days mentioned.. a horrible mother to my children.

I feel so broken.

 

Damn that's terrible...Yea, it would definitely be good to talk this out someone since you've been carrying this with you for over 2 yrs. It's understandable though

 

---

Kind and caring should be a must, but that alone won't do it for you. The passion doesn't always fade for everyone. You can settle into comforting type of affection for this woman but I doubt it will get any more fulfilling than it is now. 9 months and you are still not in love...you probably won't. And I worry you will want to leave or be tempted to stray years on down the road

[Fishforbreakfast]

Well it sounds like you have gone from one extreme to the other, maybe someone in the middle would be more to your liking. But if you re read your thread back she sounds amazing!!! If you don't want her let her go so some other lucky guy can have a chance with her and love her to her full potential! Your letting the physco win by still thinking of her and letting her effect you like this. I think butterfly's don't last forever but true love does.

[heavenonearth]

She is terrible. She put me in a dark hole, some days I still feel like I’m there. Flashbacks and nightmares. She laughed in my face when I was crying on the floor. I’ve never weeped like that in my life. Her family was the same, they used to call me a psychopath. I feel damaged because of her. She made me feel special by ‘loving’ me, but I didn’t know she was ‘loving’ so many others at the same time. She had unprotected sex with me and someone else only hours between. She did this on many occasions. She put me at risk.

I want to be with someone who’s kind and caring as my girlfriend is now. She is amazing, I can’t even explain how kind she is. I wish so much that I loved her.. I don’t want to end up with a horrible person, and as Lattes4Days mentioned.. a horrible mother to my children.

I feel so broken.

 

Well but if it does not work with her because you don't love her, that does not immediately mean you will end up with a horrible mother for your children. You may meet someone else 2, 3, 5 years down the road who will give you all the butterflies and who is wonderful to you.

And who you love with all your heart.

 

It is possible you may realize what you lost if you break it off with your current gf. But I suggest you do that. For her sake.

She deserves someone who loves her to pieces.

[Kamille]

Could your assessment of your feelings be a result of your anxiety issue?

 

If you've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, that means you are prone to finding reasons to worry. It sounds like what you've found here is your lack of feeling. It's easier to be anxious then to face the fact you might feel you don't deserver a kind, loving, supportive partner.

 

If the ex was deceitful, you were likely always on edge. Your anxiety might have been about whether or not you were good enough for her. If so, she played right into your cognitive distortions.

 

This current partner offers love and support. If you do struggle with an anxiety disorder, it's very likely the anxiety will find another way to express itself around your relationship.

 

You mentioned in one post you sought support for your anxiety. If you do want to change your attachment patterns, it's a good idea to keep counselling. In the meantime, you could perhaps practice being thankful for the love you receive.

[kendahke]

Before her, I was with a woman who I felt SO STRONGLY for. I was head over heels, I always felt the spark, butterflies, fireworks! However, it turned out to be the most damaging relationship ever. It actually made me ill. She was abusive, manipulative, she lied in every sentence, cheated on me with 10 others, had multiple relationships at once, she made me BEG for the truth, she tortured me, I would be on the floor crying (I barely ever cry) and she would laugh in my face and call me a psychopath.

It horrifies me that I felt so strongly for my ex, who was evil...but I can't for someone who has the most beautiful heart in the world and could hurt a soul.

 

This is about how you equate love with pain.

 

Your ex brings you the pain you understand.

 

This new girl doesn't and that's why this perfect for you person isn't making the mark: you don't recognize her brand of love without all the drama .

 

The height issue is nit-picking and trying to pin fault somewhere, but, nah... doesn't wash, s0n.

[toomanyquestions123]

I think you feel this way because she is toooooo nice and available !!! I as a woman, like to be with nice & good men for sure but i like those men to be witty and smart in a way that make me feel attracted to them. As for your case, im sorry for having this confusion, I have been through this several times and i let go extremely nice guys but at the beginning of the dating phase. You didnt feel this attraction at the beginning so why you didnt let her go ? If you think you can love her with time stay with her but if you think you would never ever love her just care or respect her then dump her now.