She is perfect, but I don't feel anything? Thoughts?

[smackie9]

So now you recognize what it is to be horribly treated, you avoid those people. Just date those who treat your right. There will be plenty of nice people you won't feel an attraction to and it's this girl you are seeing now. You don't date her because she treats you right, you date her because you are in a healthy relationship with someone you are crazy about. This girl isn't it. You must keep dating nice people until you find one that you are crazy about. Get it? You are not attracted to the toxicity, but just the person themselves....it just turned bad, and you didn't let go, so it becomes even worse.

[soconfused89]

So there’s no way attraction can grow for a perfectly amazingly good person? I should just get out there and keep dating?

[Miss Spider]

jc man, you're just not into her.

[smackie9]

So there’s no way attraction can grow for a perfectly amazingly good person? I should just get out there and keep dating?

 

 

Yes because you are leading them on. It's no different than someone getting friend zoned. The person is wonderful, but there is no attraction/chemistry.

 

It's only fair to be honest with yourself and to her. You are just not feeling it.

[soconfused89]

Anyone got any other advice than just ‘let her go’.

 

I went through a horrible relationship of constant abuse, I was on the floor physically begging, crying while being laughed at.

Then I finally met someone who has been with me through the

worst times of my life and I know that if I leave now then I will regret.

I don’t want to end up regretting this.

 

I want to be feeling normal, I don’t want to be attracted to

horrible people. I don’t want to suffer from anxiety day in and out.

 

There must be someone who can relate?

[Kamille]

You obviously don't want to let her go.

 

You obviously want to work on your attraction patterns. Have you tried therapy? It's really the only thing if you want to explore why you get attracted and attached to the people you do.

[dumbass2]

"I’ve just become stuck on the fact that she’s maybe a little short"

 

Look, I started dating someone outside of my physical norm 6 months ago. Even after the first date I wasn't sure when I'd look at her physically. A little shorter and heavier than I'm use to, but....like you in the past, I wasn't treated all that great by my previous ex who more than fit my physical desires.

 

This is what I did. I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself that I have flaws. That I'm probably not someone's perfect (whatever that means) physical type. I'm not cut and chiseled with perfect teeth and other features. I offer a lot in a relationship and want to be in a mutual giving and receiving one. There was enough I liked about her in the beginning to give it a shot. My friends and everyone loves her and they didn't care for my ex. The physical took a little while to get going (other than kissing) and it's not quite as passionate as it was in my last relationship. Can't have it all, but she and I get along great and have developed an intimate relationship that is going strong 6 months in.

 

I would not have gone past 1 month if the intimacy hadn't started to develop. I had to let myself go and just allow myself to open up and it started with me looking at myself in the mirror and also telling myself how much I really wanted to be in a relationship again.

[soconfused89]

Kamille, thanks for your response.

 

Yes I do want to work on who I become attracted to. I don’t want to just let my girlfriend go and think ‘oh well i wasn’t into it’

 

She means a lot to me, she’s not like any other girl I’ve met.

She’s become the closest person to me, I’ve never been so open and honest with anyone in my life. I hate the fact that I only get a buzz out of liking people who treat me horribly.

 

So you think the right way to go is to see a therapist?

Have you ever experienced something like this?

[neowulf]

I'm going through something very similar at the moment.

 

For myself, it's coming down to this.

 

Do you care for this woman? You say she's your best friend. Now, ask yourself.

 

Do you want to rob her of finding the kind of love she gives you?

Can you be that selfish? Can you lead this poor woman on, who loves you so well, robbing her of finding someone who'll love her back?

 

Tell her. Let her make the decision. Tell her what you wrote here. Tell her that you just don't feel it and that you can't love her like she loves you.

 

Love is selfless. Don't hurt his wonderful woman any longer.

[Miss Spider]

yeah, string her along some more while you "work on your attraction patterns"... grand idea.

[Miss Spider]

this girl is nice

she's sweet

she's caring

she's awesome

she's beautiful

she's perfect "on paper"

 

but you are not feeling it

 

That's perfectly possible.

 

you said this yourself about your ex the beginning of the thread

 

She wasn’t evil from the start.

She was mysterious, intriguing..sexual.

 

 

You're just not into this girl. Let this girl go and find someone who is into her and go and find someone you are into.

[LoverOfDance]

Hi OP,

I think maybe your problem is in letting go and not necessarily that you are attracted to people who are horrible to you. You held on to your exs to the point where you were on the floor begging, pleading and crying. Now you are holding on to this girl even when you know deep inside that you don't feel that thing you are supposed to feel when you really like someone.

 

You don't know when to let go. I believe this is the problem. You hold on to the point where things become painful for you and maybe also for the other person.

 

Like one of the posters above said, love is NOT selfish. Please let this girl go and have faith, have confidence and trust that you will find the right person.

[Kamille]

Kamille, thanks for your response.

 

Yes I do want to work on who I become attracted to. I don’t want to just let my girlfriend go and think ‘oh well i wasn’t into it’

 

She means a lot to me, she’s not like any other girl I’ve met.

She’s become the closest person to me, I’ve never been so open and honest with anyone in my life. I hate the fact that I only get a buzz out of liking people who treat me horribly.

 

So you think the right way to go is to see a therapist?

Have you ever experienced something like this?

 

Yes. I've done therapy and read about attachment to improve my relationships.

 

I can't say I've been in relationships with men who mistreated me. But I tend to choose relationships where I'm the caretaker. I'm learning not to do that.

 

If I had to describing changing attraction patterns, I would say it's two things:

 

1. Learning to assert yourself so you don't end up in relationships with people who mistreat you.

2. Thinking about what you need in a relationship in order to thrive (support, acceptance, care). Learning to want these things.

 

I can write these words, but they really don't mean anything.

 

I changed my patterns by doing a combination of CBT emotion-focused therapy. You can't think yourself out of avoidant socialization. You have to figure out the feelings that make you prefer bad relationships over nurturing ones.

[todreaminblue]

my ex told me when we broke up(he left me for a woman who he was having an affair with) you are too good for me i want someone i can take to the club and have a drink with...(i dont drink).....and i was the last person to believe him that i was too good for him......i treated him like a king we had an extremely active sex life over fifteen years...but his butterflies for me were not there they died everytime he got drunk........however i managed to keep mine alive....for him

 

......butterflies arent everything fi you are going long term....what matters is how they are with you and excitement and danger get old quickly.....my ex is exciting...dangerous....impulsive quick witted and intelligent...also a serial cheat...

 

 

.those werent the reasons i stayed through all the crap the danger the never knowing the turned off phones and missed dinners the deceit adn th epoor treatment........ i stayed for loyalty and respect for our family...i stayed for love.....and i took the good with the bad....till i couldnt fight it anymore....he wasnt right for me...i know that,...

 

sometimes i think about going back....for the good times....for the fact we have remained friends who parent together.....the facts that he knows what i love and what i dont and i know him inside and out...not a fan of the dating process...for many reasons i have thought about going aback....never for the bad times or the disrespect he has shown me in the past but for the respect he shows me now.....as a parent...and as a woman....BUT

 

i am single.....if i were with a guy like you described above or with anyone else period i would not even contemplate going back.....because that is disloyal for one...and i am die hard loyal butterflies or no butterflies..............and on your behalf silly....

 

you have a chance at happiness.....real happiness....butterflies fade out you know you keep their wings beating by remembering why you love the person you are with....and if you want to kill the butterflies with your ex ...remember your unhappiest day the worst day you have had......and repeat the image....it took me years to kill butterflies......i am the champion butterfly killer..just took me a long time....those butterflies know where to hide....

 

 

...trust me ...kill the butterflies for your ex and live in a reality that has a chance of happiness and fulfilment..you do deserve it you know...

 

this woman who loves you deserves you to love her in return and cultivate swarms of butterflies....remember why you care what is beautiful about her....what she does that turns you on.....certain looks that melt your heart or fleeting touches...and touch her often ...caress her love her let her love you back......do date nights....focus your heart on her heart not your exes.......and i promise ....your butterflies will thrive.....deb

[devilish innocent]

Are you sure you know what love is? Love to me means a deep, personal connection with the person. Not just being infatuated with a fantasy you built up in your head of who you imagine the person could be. I mean when I was younger I used to get those butterflies/amazing spark just thinking about guys I was crushing on. The idea of spending my life with them seemed exciting at the moment. Those feelings could last for years day in and day out just thinking about the same guy. How could I claim to love them, though, when I hardly really knew them?

 

Now, I'm married to somebody I got together with over 15 years ago. I'm not saying I've never had those moments of amazing sparks with him, but I also go for long periods without them. If you ask me to describe what loving him feels like, I'm not going to tell you about those sparks. I'll tell you about being best friends, snuggling, being comfortable sharing my deepest secrets with him, feeling safe and secure, knowing I don't ever want to lose him. That sounds a lot like what you're saying you have. To me those feelings are the feelings of love. Those feelings of coming home.

 

If you said you'd never experienced that euphoric feelings toward her at all, or that you didn't enjoy being physically intimate with her, I'd be more worried. That's not the case though. Which makes me wonder if you're mistaking the euphoria of limerence for the deeper feeling of love.

 

At the end of the day, nobody else can tell if you really love her. Not me. Not the other posters. Not your friends. Only you can answer that question. You have to search your heart. Deep down you REALLY, TRULY want to be with her for a long time to come? If the answer is no, then move on. But if the answer is yes, then why let a bunch of preconceived notions about what love is "supposed" to feel like keep you from enjoying what you have?

[Miss Spider]

Devilishly,I agree, but the fact that OP needs to write this says that he doesn't feel fulfilled in this relationship. He doesn't feel the feelings of passion that is the byproduct of romantic love that he has felt before in the past. If he were married for years I'd understand it. I know many long-married couples, including my parents, who still feel that passion but it has waned. However, typically, the feelings at the beginning of a relationship are very telling of its future. If he feels something is missing now, it's unlikely to get better.

 

I don't know why anyone would try to convince OP to do mental gymnastics to stay in a relationship where he feels something is missing or not enough. Technically, we can will ourselves to love anyone who makes us comfortable enough with effort and time, but I don't suggest that unless you really need to settle ASAP. I can't speak for OP's gf, but I wouldn't want someone to settle for me when they aren't completely happy.

 

 

We know, and more importantly, he knows he is capable of strong feelings of romantic love. He felt that way for his ex. OP wants to stay with this girl and is reasoning he has some kind of attachment disorder, but I don't buy that. Yes, she turned out to be abusive, but she wasn't always that way. There's something about her personality or look that made him feel those strong feelings. He needs to find a woman who does it for him like his ex did. I believe he is hesitating on that because he does care for/love this girl and doesn't want to hurt her, but also because he is afraid if he lets her go he won't be able to find better and will regret it.

[devilish innocent]

Cookies, I'm not trying to convince anybody to do mental gymnastics. I just don't think anybody besides him can know what he really wants.

 

Why is the assumption that just because he's posting her things must be that terrible? I know when I was first dating my husband, I felt the need to go online and research if my feelings for him were enough. The deeper love was already at a 10, but the passion and excitement at the time was more like a 5. I'd thought that when you met "the one" the passion and excitement would have to be a 10 and surpass any other relationships you've had. Thank god I found plenty of research that said relationships can start at a 5 and still go on to have great marriages. I say thank god because today I can honestly say that my husband is the best thing to ever happen to me.

[BrokenHeartedMan89]

Just following up on the above...

 

Went for a beer with a friend last night and the general jist of this topic came up in conversation. I explained how I wasn't feeling 'fireworks' with girls I've dated since (like OP).

 

His response was... '' you only ever get that once... the first time around''. I assume what he's saying is that once a man's had his heart broken, he changes and doesn't 'fall' like he maybe would have done before.

 

I don't know if there's any merit to it. I imagine it's person specific... there's no doubt it changes a man though.

[Miss Spider]

Just following up on the above...

 

Went for a beer with a friend last night and the general jist of this topic came up in conversation. I explained how I wasn't feeling 'fireworks' with girls I've dated since (like OP).

 

His response was... '' you only ever get that once... the first time around''. I assume what he's saying is that once a man's had his heart broken, he changes and doesn't 'fall' like he maybe would have done before.

 

I don't know if there's any merit to it. I imagine it's person specific... there's no doubt it changes a man though.

I think that guy is wrong because I've read plenty of instances where the guy never thought he'd fall again and then bam he gets hit like a truck. It happens on here all the time. Sparklers and everything. But sure it depends

[Gr8fuln2020]

Just following up on the above...

 

Went for a beer with a friend last night and the general jist of this topic came up in conversation. I explained how I wasn't feeling 'fireworks' with girls I've dated since (like OP).

 

His response was... '' you only ever get that once... the first time around''. I assume what he's saying is that once a man's had his heart broken, he changes and doesn't 'fall' like he maybe would have done before.

 

I don't know if there's any merit to it. I imagine it's person specific... there's no doubt it changes a man though.

 

Yes, 'person specific.' I hear guys and girls say things like this and in time someone shows up that rocks their world...again.

 

Heck, it happened to me. I swore that I would never feel as strongly about a woman as I did and a few years later, WHAMMO! I find another gorgeous woman.

[vagirl91089]

Everything that you have described is the exact same as where my bf and I are. Except for the horrible ex part. He had a good relationship with his ex and felt the "butterflies and spark" with her constantly.

 

But his lack of that with us has always been an issue and I will admit that it is scary for me. I told him I loved him after about 6 months and he couldn't say it. We went through a short period where he would tell me he loved me occassionally, but has now reverted back to not saying it. I am only his second relationship, so he has a nasty habit of basing our relationship off of what he had experienced with his ex, and that just doesn't work out well in any situation, so my advice to you in that regard is to not compare the two relationships.

 

My bf also has a form of anxiety and contributes some of his lack of feelings to that. He tells me all the time that I am so important to him and that I make him a better person and that he cares deeply for me, but he just can't say the "L" word. He says he doesn't feel the spark and the butterflies all the time like he did with is ex, but admits that his relationship with his ex was also superficial and he thinks our relationship is a more mature one. Which I would tend to agree with. I don't always feel the spark(especially now after nearly 3 years because the newness has worn off), but I don't doubt my love for him either.

 

Simply put, I'm not sure there is a good answer. I've debated many times about ending things because I feel like if he can't say he loves me after 3 years, then he probably never will, but I also understand that things are far more complex that that and aren't so simple. So it is a difficult thing and in the end, we both just have to make the decision we think is best.

[mortensorchid]

THe reason why you don't feel the same as you did about that woman in the past vs. the woman in the now is because they are two different people. It's different every time because you are with a different person. I don't know how old you are both, but none of us are teenagers here. It would be foolish if not downright nieve to assume when you meet someone in any capacity that this person has not had some sort of a past. And, also remember that since we are not kids, we all have to make choices for ourselves as well. And if you choose to mire in the past about that woman from the past, you choose to be miserable that things didn't work out with you and her but it's DONE.

 

If this woman is a good woman, STAY WITH HER. You will be happier in the long run.

[Back_Again]

Funny enough, your post could have been written by my now ex!

I am (was) your girlfriend, and the way you describe how you see her is very similar to the way my ex would describe me - always there for him, ready to listen and help, always understood him even though he is a very difficult person to understand... on the paper, we were a great match.

 

And yet, he was unable to actually love me. I assume he felt about me the exact same way you feel about your girlfriend - yes she's almost perfect, but you can't feel "it" for her.

 

My ex too was in relationships with women who cheated on him and one even turned out to be a stripper, unbeknownst to him! His relationships with those dweebs were longer than the one he had with me, and I'm sure he was much more invested. He did with them things he never did with me, compromised for their sake - never for my sake. And yet, I was clearly the best one of them (I'm just being honest, not touting my own horn).

 

So what I'm trying to say is that these things happen I guess, there is no explanation for them. Just because the brain knows someone *should* be perfect for us doesn't mean the heart will follow through. I've been wrecking my brain for a while trying to figure out why did he end things with me, when I seemed to be the best match he could have hoped for, but I was never able to come up with an answer. Your post I guess showed me the other side of the wall.... You just don't feel it for your girl, and this is something you cannot change. It's nobody's fault.

 

It is painful and frustrating, yes, but there is no point holding on to someone who doesn't make us 100% happy. And there's no point wasting her time. As much as I hate what my ex did to me by dumping me, I suppose it was better than keeping me in his life if he felt nothing for me.

 

Don't beat yourself up over this. It happens, it's part of life, and life is never fair.

[Kamille]

I have question Brokenheartedman

 

Does your girlfriend know you are struggling with this? If she does, what does she say?

[maxi105]

hi soconfused89,

 

 

just a quick one to add to everyone's thoughts.

 

 

I don't think that she is the one for you as you've been with her for some time now. I haven't read all of the posts or all of the original post, sorry, just pushed for time; but if you can keep her as a friend then cool, but if you cant, or she doesn't want that then let her go.

 

 

if anything more comes of friendship later on or as anything else were to happen romantically then good for you; but I think you are wanting this to work more than you have a true chemistry with her and it just sounds like at some point either of you will get bored by the pleasantness and hum-drumness of it all..

 

 

it was unfortunate that your ex had all the attraction for you and then treated you badly; but there are other girls/women out there who you will feel more of a spark with.

 

 

go with your feelings of love or potential love rather than trying to make something that doesn't sound that natural work just for the sake of it.

 

 

let her find someone else who wants to do more with her and will enjoy that time as the sort of feelings you had when you and your ex first got together; and then you will be leaving the door open to find someone who sounds more suited to you.

 

 

ok.good luck. maxi