Is he sending me signals?

[lusting]

I'm married and I started lusting after a married colleague. Our flirting all seemed a bit innocent at first (or so I try to tell myself..), a few snapchats and then major eye contact.

 

It all blew up when it turned out his wife had heard him speaking to his friend about me a few weeks previously and thought he was having an affair with me - this was not the case, but despite this happening, he had continued to flirt with me.

 

When it came out, I felt incredibly guilty and exposed, we both work together but not in the same office (but for the same firm). I was worried that I was going to lose my job over it as I'd only been there a matter of months so I tried to then say "look, we're both married, maybe we should keep it professional" and I apologised for what had happened with his wife and causing him problems at home - he said he liked me but he agreed to do so. I didn't want this but needed to cover myself. I was keen to keep contact outside of work so tried keeping it friendly, still commenting on the odd facebook status.. he ignored them all.

 

He then blocked me on WhatsApp! I didn't acknowledge this straight away and then decided that I would confront him and pretend I only noticed. I was basically being foolish and trying to get a reaction. We shared a couple of emails at work where he said we should keep it professional - I then realised again how exposed I was so I said I too was only interested in a professional relationship. That was 7 months ago now.

 

We seen each other for the first time at the start of August and as soon as he seen me, he made strong eye contact and this went on the whole of the 3 days we were together. I felt too nervous at first to reciprocate (based on previous emails etc.) and was only on the last day that I was able to meet his eye contact.

 

We're due to see each other again in just under 4 weeks and last week, he was in reading our old email chain (I get alerts on my work email every time it's opened) - he also did this the day he found out we would be seeing each other in August.

 

I know I sound so foolish, but is he trying to send me signals of some kind? I know that this isn't right and I shouldn't even dare to go there but I can't get him out of my head. The tension between us is crazy and I just don't know what to do. Part of me thinks it's just inevitable that something is going to happen.

 

I'm so lost with this and so annoyed with myself that I keep having these little fantasies of me and him.

[kittencupcake]

So you felt guilty and exposed when your emotional affair was uncovered..but not enough to stop engaging in it?

 

Who cares if he's sending signals or not? What are YOU going to do to prevent this from turning into a full blown physical affair, thus blowing up two families and both of your careers in the process? It's not up to him to decide for you..you're the one who has to live with yourself afterwards.

 

So forget what HE is thinking..what are YOU doing to stop this?

[whichwayisup]

You're married too, so why not tell your husband what is going on. It's better for him to hear it from you rather than the MM's wife. And his wife could very well contact YOUR husband and say tell him that you and her husband are getting too close.

 

You're putting so much energy and thought into a man who is just giving you an ego feed and making your heart go thump thump. Just think if you put that energy into your marriage and husband, all that effort of chasing and flirting is wasted on this MM who isn't in love you, isn't going to leave his wife for you.

 

Reconnect with your husband and remember why you fell in love and married him.

 

You're risking A LOT by lusting after this MM. Your professional reputation, your job, your marriage and the trust and love your husband has for you. Are you really willing to lose everything because you can't get this MM out of your head? Give that some thought. Sorry that my reply may read harshly but you need a wake up call. If you continue pursuing a friendship/flirty emotional affair with this MM outside of work you are asking for a whole world of pain and heartache..Not only for yourself but also for your husband and children (if you have any kids). Are you willing to turn their lives upside down? Put them first and just stop and think about what it is you're doing. What's the real point here of what you're trying to accomplish? Are you wanting to leave your husband for this MM if he were to leave his wife? Whatever need it is that he is doing for you, you can get at home. If not, then seek counseling and fix what's broken inside of you. DO NOT blame your husband for your choice in seeking attention from another man. That's all on you.

Edited October 11, 2017 by whichwayisup

[lusting]

You're married too, so why not tell your husband what is going on. It's better for him to hear it from you rather than the MM's wife. And his wife could very well contact YOUR husband and say tell him that you and her husband are getting too close.

 

You're putting so much energy and thought into a man who is just giving you an ego feed and making your heart go thump thump. Just think if you put that energy into your marriage and husband, all that effort of chasing and flirting is wasted on this MM who isn't in love you, isn't going to leave his wife for you.

 

Reconnect with your husband and remember why you fell in love and married him.

 

You're risking A LOT by lusting after this MM. Your professional reputation, your job, your marriage and the trust and love your husband has for you. Are you really willing to lose everything because you can't get this MM out of your head? Give that some thought. Sorry that my reply may read harshly but you need a wake up call. If you continue pursuing a friendship/flirty emotional affair with this MM outside of work you are asking for a whole world of pain and heartache..Not only for yourself but also for your husband and children (if you have any kids). Are you willing to turn their lives upside down? Put them first and just stop and think about what it is you're doing. What's the real point here of what you're trying to accomplish? Are you wanting to leave your husband for this MM if he were to leave his wife? Whatever need it is that he is doing for you, you can get at home. If not, then seek counseling and fix what's broken inside of you. DO NOT blame your husband for your choice in seeking attention from another man. That's all on you.

 

 

You're not being too harsh, I need some harshness. We don't pursue contact with each other outside of work, until we see each other and then it's a whole different ball game.

 

I know that what I'm doing is the road to nowhere but I almost feel possessed by it. It's all I think about, the next time I see him. I know the right thing to do is to focus that energy on my marriage and making sure that the MM knows I am not interested but I just can't seem to help myself. It's as if I know what could happen (the divorce etc.) and yet I don't care! I don't know him well enough to even consider if I would ever leave my husband for him and I would say based on what I do know, probably not. It's just this fantasy in my head.

[lusting]

So you felt guilty and exposed when your emotional affair was uncovered..but not enough to stop engaging in it?

 

Who cares if he's sending signals or not? What are YOU going to do to prevent this from turning into a full blown physical affair, thus blowing up two families and both of your careers in the process? It's not up to him to decide for you..you're the one who has to live with yourself afterwards.

 

So forget what HE is thinking..what are YOU doing to stop this?

 

Would you even class it as an emotional affair? I don't know if it was even that.

 

I don't know why I'm doing this - I know it's no good yet I just can't seem to stop the thoughts I'm having. I wish I could just switch it off. I don't ever remember having a "crush" like this, as that's what I think it is.

[freengreen]

So you felt guilty and exposed when your emotional affair was uncovered..but not enough to stop engaging in it?

 

Who cares if he's sending signals or not? What are YOU going to do to prevent this from turning into a full blown physical affair, thus blowing up two families and both of your careers in the process? It's not up to him to decide for you..you're the one who has to live with yourself afterwards.

 

So forget what HE is thinking..what are YOU doing to stop this?

my quote of the week. Thanks!

[kittencupcake]

You're not being too harsh, I need some harshness. We don't pursue contact with each other outside of work, until we see each other and then it's a whole different ball game.

 

I know that what I'm doing is the road to nowhere but I almost feel possessed by it. It's all I think about, the next time I see him. I know the right thing to do is to focus that energy on my marriage and making sure that the MM knows I am not interested but I just can't seem to help myself. It's as if I know what could happen (the divorce etc.) and yet I don't care! I don't know him well enough to even consider if I would ever leave my husband for him and I would say based on what I do know, probably not. It's just this fantasy in my head.

 

The bolded is your way of convincing yourself that you're not responsible for your own behavior. You are. You have 100% control of whether or not you engage in an affair.

 

Thoughts are different from actions. You can fantasize..who doesn't? What you don't have to do is act on your fantasies. You're not possessed. If you flirt with this man, if you sleep with him..that's all you. It's not some demon that's taken over your head. All the pain you cause and all the pain you feel..that'll be completely your own fault.

[kittencupcake]

Would you even class it as an emotional affair? I don't know if it was even that.

 

I don't know why I'm doing this - I know it's no good yet I just can't seem to stop the thoughts I'm having. I wish I could just switch it off. I don't ever remember having a "crush" like this, as that's what I think it is.

 

You said you felt guilty when your relationship with this man was exposed. His wife was hurt by what she saw. Your husband would likely be hurt if he found out.

 

So yes, it absolutely is an emotional affair..and you are still engaging in it.

 

See my answer above. You CAN stop..you're choosing not to. You're not possessed..that's stereotypical cheater speak. If you continue with this, you will be making an active decision to hurt other people, and yourself.

 

If you're going to continue down this road, at least own up to what you're doing. Stop the nonsensical justification and minimization and romanticizing of it and admit that you are doing something wrong.

 

Or better yet..ask your husband if he thinks it's an emotional affair. If you don't think you're doing anything wrong, then it shouldn't be a big deal to talk to him about it right?

 

I'm sure you think I'm being mean and overly harsh on you but that's because you have a chance to stop before you hurt anyone further and I'm trying to get you to think before you act..I hope it works.

Edited October 11, 2017 by kittencupcake

[lusting]

The bolded is your way of convincing yourself that you're not responsible for your own behavior. You are. You have 100% control of whether or not you engage in an affair.

 

Thoughts are different from actions. You can fantasize..who doesn't? What you don't have to do is act on your fantasies. You're not possessed. If you flirt with this man, if you sleep with him..that's all you. It's not some demon that's taken over your head. All the pain you cause and all the pain you feel..that'll be completely your own fault.

 

I know I'm in full control of my actions, I know this is all in my head and I have the choice to stop it. But it's so hard to fight against it. And nothing has even really happened yet! I've never felt this way before in my life - I don't know how to switch it off ?

[Origin]

I know I'm in full control of my actions, I know this is all in my head and I have the choice to stop it. But it's so hard to fight against it. And nothing has even really happened yet! I've never felt this way before in my life - I don't know how to switch it off ?

 

Google Limerence and listen to Dr. Joe Beam. Pretty sure you’re in limerent state right now and you better snap out fast, you’re gonna blow up your life over nothing.

[Birdies]

Look up limerance. It's a chemical reaction in your brain. You need to either cut off all non-necessary contact with him, or you are going to blow up both of your lives. Marriages, workplace, kids if there are any, professional and personal respect and reputation, etc. Trust me - been there, done that, got the tshirt. Cut it off NOW before you destroy your life. Read around the infidelity site here and other surviving infidelity sites to get a sense of what you're setting yourself up for.

[kittencupcake]

I know I'm in full control of my actions, I know this is all in my head and I have the choice to stop it. But it's so hard to fight against it. And nothing has even really happened yet! I've never felt this way before in my life - I don't know how to switch it off ?

 

You really, really need to stop minimizing. Something DID happen. You said it yourself in the first post. You have already screwed up. You and his wife have already been hurt by this. That is not 'nothing'.

 

If you minimize it, you're justifying it, and if you justify it, your boundaries start moving..and they keep moving..and moving..and moving..and then suddenly you find yourself years deep in a full blown emotional and physical affair and you don't know what to do about it.

 

It all blew up when it turned out his wife had heard him speaking to his friend about me a few weeks previously and thought he was having an affair with me - this was not the case, but despite this happening, he had continued to flirt with me.

 

When it came out, I felt incredibly guilty and exposed, we both work together but not in the same office (but for the same firm). I was worried that I was going to lose my job over it

 

That, above..that is not 'nothing'. Be totally, 100% honest with us..if you showed your husband and his wife your original post in this thread, would they consider it 'nothing'?

[Vivir]

I've never felt this way before in my life - I don't know how to switch it off

 

Lusting, it seems to me this married man is doing his best to avoid falling into an affair trap with you.

 

Other posters have advised you to read up on the infidelity boards and have told you to consider how you would be setting yourself up for a BIG fall. You could lose a lot, and earlier you basically said you can't seem to care... you're on a slippery slope. You need some traction!

 

Sometimes, when I feel that I want to snap out of something, I try to imagine - and I mean REALLY visualize - the EXACT opposite of that thing.

 

For instance, I once heard a triggery love song on the radio and began to fantasize about xMM. This fantasy lasted more than a day What snapped me out of it was imagining him with his wife in the same capacity. Hurt me something awful. But it brought me back to reality, that he is living life with someone else and not with me.

 

If I were you, I would visualize having to face your colleagues in the office once everyone learns the two of you had an affair.

What will they say about you?

How will they treat you?

Will other men in the office approach you to sleep with them, too?

Will his wife show up at your place of employment?

Will your company use this as an excuse to try to fire you?

How ever will you live this down if you remain employed???

Will you become a company joke?

How will his wife react to you when she sees you?

Will she try to do you harm?

Will she show up at your house?

Will you return to an empty home, as your husband has moved himself out? What will he tell your family members?

Will your neighbors witness your husband setting fire to your belongings in the front yard?

If your husband remains completely calm, but you see the anguish in his face, how will that make you feel?

What if he tells you he had his own affair as revenge? What will you do?

 

Imagine - and I mean really visualize these things happening. And then... realize you have the power RIGHT NOW to avoid all of that.

 

Take our advice and Do Not Do It. Don't walk when you see him, run in the opposite direction. Do NOT engage. It is not worth it.

Edited October 11, 2017 by Vivir

[treehugger12]

All your replies are very good advice and you need to take it, take it from me, I’ve been in your almost exact position but I acted on it one time. I sometimes work with this MM that I had a crush on, I am also married, 27 years, I was never looking to cheat or have an affair but this MM got into my head with sexting me for 3 weeks, a few times we were alone and I would ask about his wife and why he would want to cheat (he said he was bored with her) I gave him the few chances we were alone to think about what he was wanting from me. I could not get him out of my head, he almost became a drug I wanted so bad. So after 3 weeks I caved, he basically used me for a 1 x f...! It’s been 5 months and I have dwelled on it so much, it consumed me, I only wish I would have know about LS before hand so I could have gotten the help and advice I needed. I wish I would have never let it happen. Cheating and affairs never end up well, someone always ends up getting hurt. You think your really thinking about him now and can’t get him out of your head, well it’s only going to worsen if you get yourself involved with this MM. I wanted so much more of my MM and I’m just thankful it did not go further. I have struggled with myself for months now and wish it never happened. I have not seen my MM for 6 weeks nor have we text in 3 weeks so it is slowly fading, I pray every day that I don’t run into him at work. Please take everyone’s advice here and avoid this MM.

[MandoGirl]

Experience has taught me that you can’t stop somebody from sending you signals, but you can stop yourself from recieving them or looking for them. Read up on the grey rock technique and put it into play and stop looking so hard for something you say you don’t want.

[ladydesigner]

Affairs are a lot like an addiction. If you treat it the same way you will get the same results ;-)

[whichwayisup]

You're not being too harsh, I need some harshness. We don't pursue contact with each other outside of work, until we see each other and then it's a whole different ball game.

 

I know that what I'm doing is the road to nowhere but I almost feel possessed by it. It's all I think about, the next time I see him. I know the right thing to do is to focus that energy on my marriage and making sure that the MM knows I am not interested but I just can't seem to help myself. It's as if I know what could happen (the divorce etc.) and yet I don't care! I don't know him well enough to even consider if I would ever leave my husband for him and I would say based on what I do know, probably not. It's just this fantasy in my head.

 

Then get yourself to counseling. also consider telling your husband everything. It'll end things with the MM immediately as you'll see the pain in your husbands eyes. THAT WILL KILL THE FANTASY!

[lusting]

I'm so sorry that you're going through the feelings you are. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. And you're right, it will only get worse if something happened.

[lusting]

Affairs are a lot like an addiction. If you treat it the same way you will get the same results ;-)

 

I have to say, I do have addictive tendencies anyway which won't be helping...

[lusting]

I really need to get my head straight. I know the right thing to do, it's just doing it that's hard!

 

Me and the MM don't actually have any contact outside of work and haven't done now for quite some time. It's only essential work communication.

 

It's been this way now since May this year and I thought that thinks would disappear over time and with the distance etc. We're not based in the same office so we don't see each other all the time.. so although things ebb a bit, it never goes away. And when we have conference calls, I can feel he's nervous too. And then when we are due to see each, it comes back full force.

 

Every time we're due to see each other, he re-reads our old email thread from May. Every time. I work in sales so get the alerts.

 

And then the eye contact starts coming from him.

[eye of the storm]

You get email alerts because you have saved the thread too. If you delete it and then delete it from your trash, you will no longer receive alerts.

 

That is what you have to do. Take action. Block him on all social media apps. Delete his number from your phone after you block him.

 

You can't "feel he is nervous" on conference calls, you want him to be nervous on conference calls so that is how you interpret all of his actions/words. Him being nervous is an ego boost for you.

 

You are spending a lot of time deciding how he feels and what he thinks.

 

If I had to guess, he gets an ego boost by how you throw yourself at him. Which is why he stares at you. He likes how giddy you get.

 

 

If you want this to end. Tell your H you got to flirty with a guy and its gotten out of hand. Dealing with an angry H at home will clarify your feelings for MM. Or if you don't really care about how your H feels about things, then why are you with him?

[lusting]

If you want this to end. Tell your H you got to flirty with a guy and its gotten out of hand. Dealing with an angry H at home will clarify your feelings for MM. Or if you don't really care about how your H feels about things, then why are you with him?

 

It has definitely highlighted that perhaps things aren't that rosy at home - still. I'm not sure if I'm in love with my husband any more. Maybe I'm seeing this as some kind of adventure I can escape to.

[kittencupcake]

It has definitely highlighted that perhaps things aren't that rosy at home - still. I'm not sure if I'm in love with my husband any more. Maybe I'm seeing this as some kind of adventure I can escape to.

 

Ok, now you’re making sense! You’re bored/unhappy at home so you’re lusting after another man who shows you attention.

 

Do you think your marriage is salvageable? What would it take for you to figure out if you still love your husband?

 

Regardless though, an affair is not the answer to your problems. It will only create many, many more of them.

[lusting]

Ok, now you’re making sense! You’re bored/unhappy at home so you’re lusting after another man who shows you attention.

 

Do you think your marriage is salvageable? What would it take for you to figure out if you still love your husband?

 

Regardless though, an affair is not the answer to your problems. It will only create many, many more of them.

 

I think I've definitely recognised the traits in the MM that I'm missing in my husband. But I was feeling unsettled in my marriage before he actually came along if that made sense... I hadn't met him by that stage!!

 

I'm not sure if it is or what it would take to figure that out. I feel like I'm coasting along at the moment and you're right - an affair would just add more complication... and I know that already. I know it's not the answer to my problems.

 

My husband is a good man and a great dad but I definitely think we have different directions in life. I'm very hard working and ambitious and I want to move to a better house, live in a nice area, have nice holidays and drive s nice car. My husband works because he has to and would sacrifice all his worldly possessions in order to not work!! He'd be happy living in a shed with solar panels on the roof, growing vegetables in the garden to live off.

 

But I also recognise that when the MM is on my mind (which intensifies when I'm due to see him), that my unhappiness at home definitely becomes more pronounced. I'm just trying to figure it all out at the minute.

[lusting]

I know I must sound so ungrateful, but I've definitely lost that connection with my husband and I'm not sure I can get it back, or how. Or if I want to for that matter. Part of me has moved on in my head. I'm just coasting right now.

 

But we have a daughter and a home to think of too.