Is he sending me signals?

[kittencupcake]

I know I must sound so ungrateful, but I've definitely lost that connection with my husband and I'm not sure I can get it back, or how. Or if I want to for that matter. Part of me has moved on in my head. I'm just coasting right now.

 

But we have a daughter and a home to think of too.

 

Kids are extraordinarily perceptive. I’m betting she knows that mommy is unhappy and the first thing she will do is blame herself. Better to have two happy parents who live apart than miserable ones who live together.

 

Step number one would be talking to your husband about all of this. They’re called partners for a reason.

[BaileyB]

Darling, you are 100% responsible for your own happiness and 100% responsible for your decisions. You have every ability to ignore this man and tell him to go for a hike!

 

It sounds like your responsibility right now is to figure out your own life - to deal with the problems in your marriage and be a good parent for your daughter. The solution to the problems in your life is definitely not going to be found with this other man...

[lusting]

Step number one would be talking to your husband about all of this. They’re called partners for a reason.

 

I actually did speak to him at the start of this year about it and I explained that I had fallen out of love with him and I was honest and told him the reasons why. As you can imagine, there was a lot of tears on his part and a lot of anxiety.

 

He has started to try and work on himself (going to gym etc), but it's not him physically that I've fallen out of love with. It's where we're going in life etc.

 

It sounds awful from my part but with the days and weeks of tears and clinginess, it drove me further away in a sense and as he was asking me constantly if I felt things were getting better, I started to say "yes, things are definitely getting better" and then one day when he told me he loved me, I told him I loved him too. It was out of my mouth before I thought what I was saying and I couldn't take it back.

 

Although I'm feeling that disconnection from him, it's awful watching someone else hurting at the hands of my actions.

[kittencupcake]

I actually did speak to him at the start of this year about it and I explained that I had fallen out of love with him and I was honest and told him the reasons why. As you can imagine, there was a lot of tears on his part and a lot of anxiety.

 

He has started to try and work on himself (going to gym etc), but it's not him physically that I've fallen out of love with. It's where we're going in life etc.

 

It sounds awful from my part but with the days and weeks of tears and clinginess, it drove me further away in a sense and as he was asking me constantly if I felt things were getting better, I started to say "yes, things are definitely getting better" and then one day when he told me he loved me, I told him I loved him too. It was out of my mouth before I thought what I was saying and I couldn't take it back.

 

Although I'm feeling that disconnection from him, it's awful watching someone else hurting at the hands of my actions.

 

Yes it is, isn't it? Imagine how much that hurt will multiply if you take up with another man..and imagine how much pain you'd be causing your daughter, and the MM's family, and yourself..

 

Can you at least take the affair off the table knowing what you know now about your feelings?

 

As for your marriage..I mean..have you considered couples therapy? It might be easier to discuss in a safe environment with a non-judgmental third party present..

[lusting]

As for your marriage..I mean..have you considered couples therapy? It might be easier to discuss in a safe environment with a non-judgmental third party present..

 

We did talk about that. So one of the issues I have within our marriage is that I'm the main earner and I always feel that any extras we have depend on me. I know I'm here to support my family and I do that, but while my husband is happy to bum about in his job and not seek advancement or additional salary... I'm the one that's left picking up the bill for counselling. He's quite happy to spend the money when it's there but isn't interested in progressing so he can contribute more.

 

This thread has taken a turn for the worst... I didn't expect to be sitting on here having a moan about my hubs...

[Birdies]

Marriage counseling! It will be a great way to explore your feelings toward your husband and whether you two have a future.

 

PLEASE delete the email thread from the other guy and avoid him as much as you can within the confines of your job responsibilities. It was sad when you told your husband you didn't love him, right? Trust me, it will be a bazillion times worse if you e itrely destroy him with an affair. I did that and I will NEVER forgive myself for hurting someone I care about that much, that badly. Have you read on the infidelity sites yet? And don't think "I would be smart, that would never happen to me, no one would ever find out." We all think that until the second before everything blows up.

 

Put on your big girl panties and deal with your marriage like a grownup. Delete those messages. You can do it!

[lusting]

Marriage counseling! It will be a great way to explore your feelings toward your husband and whether you two have a future.

 

PLEASE delete the email thread from the other guy and avoid him as much as you can within the confines of your job responsibilities. It was sad when you told your husband you didn't love him, right? Trust me, it will be a bazillion times worse if you e itrely destroy him with an affair. I did that and I will NEVER forgive myself for hurting someone I care about that much, that badly. Have you read on the infidelity sites yet? And don't think "I would be smart, that would never happen to me, no one would ever find out." We all think that until the second before everything blows up.

 

Put on your big girl panties and deal with your marriage like a grownup. Delete those messages. You can do it!

 

I've just deleted it!!!!!

[kittencupcake]

We did talk about that. So one of the issues I have within our marriage is that I'm the main earner and I always feel that any extras we have depend on me. I know I'm here to support my family and I do that, but while my husband is happy to bum about in his job and not seek advancement or additional salary... I'm the one that's left picking up the bill for counselling. He's quite happy to spend the money when it's there but isn't interested in progressing so he can contribute more.

 

This thread has taken a turn for the worst... I didn't expect to be sitting on here having a moan about my hubs...

 

No it hasn’t, it’s taken a turn for the better on your part! You seem to be confronting the real issues instead of fantasizing about an affair. As painful as it is, it’s a good thing.

[Bittersweetie]

No it hasn’t, it’s taken a turn for the better on your part! You seem to be confronting the real issues instead of fantasizing about an affair. As painful as it is, it’s a good thing.

 

Exactly! How I wish I had faced mine and my marriage's issues directly rather than thinking things could be solved by filling in the gaps with another man. The pain and destruction I caused was not worth the feelings I felt during the A in any way. I would give anything to go back and work on things in a healthy and honest manner. Please, address your issues rather than fantasizing how about another man will make you feel better. Right now is your chance.

[BTDT2012]

We did talk about that. So one of the issues I have within our marriage is that I'm the main earner and I always feel that any extras we have depend on me. I know I'm here to support my family and I do that, but while my husband is happy to bum about in his job and not seek advancement or additional salary... I'm the one that's left picking up the bill for counselling. He's quite happy to spend the money when it's there but isn't interested in progressing so he can contribute more.

 

This thread has taken a turn for the worst... I didn't expect to be sitting on here having a moan about my hubs...

 

Did you discuss where you wanted to go in life before you married and had children? Have you always been the primary earner? An affair will solve nothing.

[Birdies]

Exactly! How I wish I had faced mine and my marriage's issues directly rather than thinking things could be solved by filling in the gaps with another man. The pain and destruction I caused was not worth the feelings I felt during the A in any way. I would give anything to go back and work on things in a healthy and honest manner. Please, address your issues rather than fantasizing how about another man will make you feel better. Right now is your chance.

 

This. It's hard to describe the magnitude of the cliff you're standing at the edge of. Dig deep and address the issues at hand.

[harrybrown]

when you think of the OM as a perfect fantasy, and then realize that he has already hurt his wife and continues with you and how much pain he is causing his wife, how could he be the fantasy partner?

 

Sometime when I do things that I know are not right, I can magnify my wife and her "meanness" and complaints.

 

You have done some things that if your H found out about these actions, he would lose love for you. May as well help him by telling him before the OM's wife calls him to tell him.

 

You have already told your H that you do not love him. Would that hurt you, if you did love someone and they told you that you had gotten fat and were not attractive to them anymore?

 

Of course he was hurt, and you took away his confidence. It takes many more comments of a ration like 50 to one with sincere comments to fix the damage.

 

You did that to the father of your child.

 

 

The OM will not fix your unhappiness. No partner is perfect, not me and not my wife.

 

Honesty will help your relationship to end or to perhaps fix it in some way to make it better.

 

If you want tell him when you are in MC, about your EA, that might help.

 

But your child will think that they were the one that caused the D. Hope you think about that. Many kids of D feel like the D is their fault. If they were the perfect child, then the parents would still be married.

 

Either way, if you want the D, tell your H, but be honest. His ego is already damaged. You did once care about him and he will be around your child.

 

try to leave him with a little self respect.

 

go complete NC with the OM.

[harrybrown]

All your replies are very good advice and you need to take it, take it from me, I’ve been in your almost exact position but I acted on it one time. I sometimes work with this MM that I had a crush on, I am also married, 27 years, I was never looking to cheat or have an affair but this MM got into my head with sexting me for 3 weeks, a few times we were alone and I would ask about his wife and why he would want to cheat (he said he was bored with her) I gave him the few chances we were alone to think about what he was wanting from me. I could not get him out of my head, he almost became a drug I wanted so bad. So after 3 weeks I caved, he basically used me for a 1 x f...! It’s been 5 months and I have dwelled on it so much, it consumed me, I only wish I would have know about LS before hand so I could have gotten the help and advice I needed. I wish I would have never let it happen. Cheating and affairs never end up well, someone always ends up getting hurt. You think your really thinking about him now and can’t get him out of your head, well it’s only going to worsen if you get yourself involved with this MM. I wanted so much more of my MM and I’m just thankful it did not go further. I have struggled with myself for months now and wish it never happened. I have not seen my MM for 6 weeks nor have we text in 3 weeks so it is slowly fading, I pray every day that I don’t run into him at work. Please take everyone’s advice here and avoid this MM.

 

 

hope you have talked to your H about this.

[lusting]

Exactly! How I wish I had faced mine and my marriage's issues directly rather than thinking things could be solved by filling in the gaps with another man. The pain and destruction I caused was not worth the feelings I felt during the A in any way. I would give anything to go back and work on things in a healthy and honest manner. Please, address your issues rather than fantasizing how about another man will make you feel better. Right now is your chance.

 

How did things turn out for you? Did you continue with your marriage and try and work on things? I'm assuming your H found out about the affair or that you told him but I might be wrong.

[lusting]

Did you discuss where you wanted to go in life before you married and had children? Have you always been the primary earner? An affair will solve nothing.

 

To be honest, we met and it was a whirlwind and we fell pregnant and married within 14 months. I was 5 months pregnant when we got married.

 

I've always been the primary earner and was of the assumption that my husband was in a better position financially than he actually was (he was actually living off a credit card!!), and he also seemed a lot more ambitious.

 

In hindsight, I rushed into getting married far too quickly and if I'd taken more time, I'm not sure we would have worked out in a longterm relationship. Not because of money but of all the little facets of his persona that probably aren't a good match for me. I'm probably what people would call an Alpha female with a very Beta male.

[lusting]

go complete NC with the OM.

 

Sadly we are coworkers (although we work in different locations). So NC isn't possible as our teams are connected in terms of the roles we do.

 

However, we don't have any contact outside of work and this has been the case for around 5 months now. So It's not much of an EA... yet he's still in my head.

[BaileyB]

Sadly we are coworkers (although we work in different locations). So NC isn't possible as our teams are connected in terms of the roles we do.

 

Try to ensure that you are always with or near other people when you are working together. No private or email communication.

 

It is possible to work together with a man and not get sucked into an affair. It is a choice, you just have to make the right choice.

 

Best wishes.

[lusting]

Try to ensure that you are always with or near other people when you are working together. No private or email communication.

 

It is possible to work together with a man and not get sucked into an affair. It is a choice, you just have to make the right choice.

 

Best wishes.

 

We've really only ever worked with others, never been alone (apart from a time when he asked to speak to me about this situation). And we have a new strategy now which means that I'm going to be having even less to do with him now in work because of the disparity in our functions within the business.

 

Yet, still, I'm unable to get him out of my head. It's such an awful feeling.

 

We didn't know each other well at all when the lightening bolt hit. I just haven't ever felt chemistry like this before.

[aspireone]

well maye you need to get back on your wedding vows? and try to see if what does you really feel? because sometimes lust disguises as love.

[Bittersweetie]

How did things turn out for you? Did you continue with your marriage and try and work on things? I'm assuming your H found out about the affair or that you told him but I might be wrong.

 

After my A ended, I had a d-day when I learned I had an STD and told my husband. It was truly a horrific thing, seeing the pain and anger on his face, all because of my own choices. I was extremely fortunate in that my H gave me a second chance. I worked very hard on myself and my marriage and together we worked on us. It was a very difficult path to walk and one where I learned to be grateful, vulnerable, and humble.

 

We are now almost 8 years past d-day. We now have a child. And every day I am thankful for my H and my child and the life we have now. But like I mentioned, I wish that we got to this point without the pain and destruction I caused through my actions.

[grass-hopper]

I completely relate to where you are in this and how you are feeling. But you are at an advantage in that this hasn’t gotten to a level where you are digging yourself deeper and deeper into a hole that you might not be able to get out of. My advice to you as someone that has stepped over that no return boundary into kissing and daily texting and being the recipient of sweet nothings is to be thankful that he keeps his distance and see it as a sign that this is not suppose to be. The feelings you are having are your own desires and hopes.

The feelings I have are being constantly fed by a man who tells me I’m special and how much he wants me and how he never wants to lose what we have. That is so much harder to walk away from, from my weak perspective. Some days I wish this OM was indifferent and then maybe I’d be able to accept that it’s all in my head.

Your situation with your H is also where I am with mine and I feel that because of a crumbling marriage, I have found myself vulnerable to this A. I have taken steps with my H to request counseling which he has downright refused. My H has also said to me he is with me only for children. I think these things may have pushed me over the edge in makIng the wrong decision. Nonetheless it was my decision and a wrong one at that.

I think you are at an advantage that right now you have the upper hand and you can walk away unscathed with a memory of only a possible worst mistake you have ever made vs the worst mistake you have ever made.

I am fairly new to LS but I think there is a lot of great advice and support. Glad you reached out! And good luck.

[PrincessT]

Just stop right now...... The lust is blinding you from the hurt and PAIN you will eventually feel if you continue this...and from a woman's perspective who's been there and done that, baby girl... Let it go before you invest anymore of your time and energy.

[harrybrown]

Sadly we are coworkers (although we work in different locations). So NC isn't possible as our teams are connected in terms of the roles we do.

 

However, we don't have any contact outside of work and this has been the case for around 5 months now. So It's not much of an EA... yet he's still in my head.

 

it sure sounds like it is a huge EA.

 

but it would be just fine if your H had an A?

 

no problem, because you are having one?

 

Many times to justify an A, a spouse will magnify the faults of the spouse and look at the AP with rose glasses.

 

Your rose colored glasses is not treating his wife very well is he?

 

Start to think about that. How will you feel if you end up with him and he cheats on you? no problem, because you are cheating on your current H.

[lusting]

it sure sounds like it is a huge EA.

 

but it would be just fine if your H had an A?

 

no problem, because you are having one?

 

Many times to justify an A, a spouse will magnify the faults of the spouse and look at the AP with rose glasses.

 

Your rose colored glasses is not treating his wife very well is he?

 

Start to think about that. How will you feel if you end up with him and he cheats on you? no problem, because you are cheating on your current H.

 

I know I have rose tinted glasses on and the MM wouldn't be all I'd hope... but I'm my fantasises, he does fill the gaps. I know it's not the case in real life.

 

However you have said how would I feel if my husband had an affair. I have wondered that myself a number of times and I've tried to wonder how I'd feel about it and if I'd be devastated. Although no one knows until they're in that situation, I wonder if I'd feel relief, as it would give me a way out. I can't imagine feeling distraught about it.

[lusting]

I completely relate to where you are in this and how you are feeling. But you are at an advantage in that this hasn’t gotten to a level where you are digging yourself deeper and deeper into a hole that you might not be able to get out of. My advice to you as someone that has stepped over that no return boundary into kissing and daily texting and being the recipient of sweet nothings is to be thankful that he keeps his distance and see it as a sign that this is not suppose to be. The feelings you are having are your own desires and hopes.

The feelings I have are being constantly fed by a man who tells me I’m special and how much he wants me and how he never wants to lose what we have. That is so much harder to walk away from, from my weak perspective. Some days I wish this OM was indifferent and then maybe I’d be able to accept that it’s all in my head.

Your situation with your H is also where I am with mine and I feel that because of a crumbling marriage, I have found myself vulnerable to this A. I have taken steps with my H to request counseling which he has downright refused. My H has also said to me he is with me only for children. I think these things may have pushed me over the edge in makIng the wrong decision. Nonetheless it was my decision and a wrong one at that.

I think you are at an advantage that right now you have the upper hand and you can walk away unscathed with a memory of only a possible worst mistake you have ever made vs the worst mistake you have ever made.

I am fairly new to LS but I think there is a lot of great advice and support. Glad you reached out! And good luck.

 

How are things working out for you? And this might seem a stupid question... but do you really think it's the point of no return as live stepped over the physical boundary by kissing?

 

I know he's keeping his distance right now but I know fine well that once I see him, he won't keep his distance and he'll let his interest be known and will gauge how I react to him. It's laughable in a way as it's almost like it's ok for him to do that as hues away from his wife. Even when we were snapchatting/messaging at the very start, it started to reduce to him doing it when I knew he was away with work/out for a night and not home with his wife. As if that makes it ok! As soon as he was home, all communication stopped.