Do I have reason to be jealous?

[Miffy22]

My boyfriend has a 6 year old son from a previous relationship, him and the mother do not get on, nor does she like the fact I have a good relationship with their son. They speak mainly via text to arrange pick up/drop offs, school arrangements, birthday/christmas arrangements and that is it.

 

Now, I am a very jealous person in general, very insecure and I do not like the situation at the best of times. So, my issue is...

 

My boyfriend still gets on with her parents (they do a lot for his son, even though they live quite far away) Occasionally (not every weekend, maybe 1 in 8) he will drop his son at her parents, and will go in there to say hello. He might stay for 15 mins or maybe longer something like that to get his son settled etc. When he drops his son at his mom's house, he does not go into the house, he takes his son and his son's weekend bags up to the front door, and that's it. So out of respect for me, why would he go into her parents house for a chit chat when he is now with me? Surely that's disrespectful to me.

Genuinely, I don't mean to sound immature, selfish etc. but I just feel like he shouldn't be going in there at all really. If the roles were reversed I would wait in the car, or just go to the front door.

 

Although, in addition to how I feel about that, I also feel like he has made a real effort to let me have a relationship with his son, I am the only other woman he has introduced to his son since they separated, and it is no secret to his ex or her family that he is in a serious relationship with me, and I am part of their son's life too.

 

Have I got anything to be worried about or am I being too insecure?

[d0nnivain]

You are being too insecure. Him maintaining a cordial relationship with his child's maternal grandparents has absolutely nothing to do with you & it's unreasonable for you to expect him to be cold to them when he drops his child off.

 

 

Be grateful that you are dating a genuinely nice guy who has good manners. The way he treats his parents -- like a drive through -- isn't ideal but the respect he's showing his child's other grandparents is him showing my example how his son should treat his elders -- politely.

 

 

Power down.

 

 

If you really are so insecure that this continues to bother you, don't date people with kids. The kids always come first.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My boyfriend has a 6 year old son from a previous relationship, him and the mother do not get on, nor does she like the fact I have a good relationship with their son. They speak mainly via text to arrange pick up/drop offs, school arrangements, birthday/christmas arrangements and that is it.

 

Now, I am a very jealous person in general, very insecure and I do not like the situation at the best of times. So, my issue is...

 

My boyfriend still gets on with her parents (they do a lot for his son, even though they live quite far away) Occasionally (not every weekend, maybe 1 in 8) he will drop his son at her parents, and will go in there to say hello. He might stay for 15 mins or maybe longer something like that to get his son settled etc. When he drops his son at his mom's house, he does not go into the house, he takes his son and his son's weekend bags up to the front door, and that's it. So out of respect for me, why would he go into her parents house for a chit chat when he is now with me? Surely that's disrespectful to me.

Genuinely, I don't mean to sound immature, selfish etc. but I just feel like he shouldn't be going in there at all really. If the roles were reversed I would wait in the car, or just go to the front door.

 

Although, in addition to how I feel about that, I also feel like he has made a real effort to let me have a relationship with his son, I am the only other woman he has introduced to his son since they separated, and it is no secret to his ex or her family that he is in a serious relationship with me, and I am part of their son's life too.

 

Have I got anything to be worried about or am I being too insecure?

 

Unless you are also a parent and are co-parenting with your ex, you have no idea what you would do in this situation.

 

You are being way too sensitive here. There is zero chance this man is going to enter into a romantic relationship/cheat on you with these grandparents, so try to chill out .

[Whoknew30]

You have absolutely no business dating someone in this situation. My advice to him would be for him to run from you.

 

Part of becoming an adult in life is to know one's weakness & to work on it & not to put your issues on to others. You know you're insecure & jealous, why would you put yourself into a situation that you can't handle? Especially where there's a child. You think this child isn't going to be able to see that, no matter what you say, you put your own crap before what's best for him.

 

Having a good relationship with the ex in laws is wonderful for the child. It's NON OF YOUR BUSINESS! I don't care if you marry this man & give him a 100 kid's of your own. A real man is allowed to have good relationships in his life with people that he will forever be connected to...either work on yourself or leave them alone.

[Miffy22]

You have absolutely no business dating someone in this situation. My advice to him would be for him to run from you.

 

Part of becoming an adult in life is to know one's weakness & to work on it & not to put your issues on to others. You know you're insecure & jealous, why would you put yourself into a situation that you can't handle? Especially where there's a child. You think this child isn't going to be able to see that, no matter what you say, you put your own crap before what's best for him.

 

Having a good relationship with the ex in laws is wonderful for the child. It's NON OF YOUR BUSINESS! I don't care if you marry this man & give him a 100 kid's of your own. A real man is allowed to have good relationships in his life with people that he will forever be connected to...either work on yourself or leave them alone.

 

Firstly I appreciate your honest reply.

 

No disrespect, but I do feel it is my business considering I’m in a long term relationship with him. And just to let you know, these are THOUGHTS, I NEVER have and never would mention anything remotely negative about their son’s family in front of the son, I speak positively of them whenever they are brought up in conversation. Even to my other half. My issue is the thoughts I’m having and whether I’m being irrational. Well, I have been well and truly told. Thanks

[Blanco]

Sounds like he's doing everything the right way.

 

Grandparents are under no obligation to do anything in the way of childcare, so it would be odd if your boyfriend was simply dumping the kid off and peeling out like he'd just robbed a bank.

 

He isn't crossing any lines, and frankly, it sounds like he's got a great sense of boundaries. He limits his communication with his ex to being strictly related to their child. He doesn't linger around her home when he drops off the kid. Why does it matter that he stops and chats with her parents when they're about to do him a favor by watching his child?

 

I'll just say this: You have pretty much the ideal situation when it comes to dating a man with children. I think perhaps your own insecurities, however, are what don't make this a good fit. Co-parenting with an ex is not easy, even under good terms. He doesn't need your own insecurities adding to that when he's already handling things the right way.

 

edit: just read your other thread. Yeah, this is all on you. By your own admission, you find a way to put a negative spin on every situation, so of course you're making this an issue.

[d0nnivain]

When in an LTR with a single parent some info about the kids & the parenting time is the business of the SO (you) but not everything.

 

 

I really don't see what the big deal is about your SO being cordial to the maternal grandparents. How would you want the situation handled? If what he's doing now is the one extreme & something completely ridiculous like he barely shows down & shoves the kid out of the moving car as he swings past their house is the other equally unworkable solution, where do you want the lines drawn? It seems that it would be rude of him to sit in the car & honk while the child walks to the door.

 

 

Think about this though -- if you & your SO go the distance, you will be required to attend events like religious celebrations, games & graduations where the grandparents might be. Don't you think it will be smoother if everyone is kind & polite? Surely if thrown together you can manage five minutes of banal conversation about the weather & how proud everyone is of the kid.

 

 

Try to focus on the goodness of all this -- that you are with a quality man who exhibits kindness toward people who love his son.

[Blanco]

Try to focus on the goodness of all this -- that you are with a quality man who exhibits kindness toward people who love his son.

 

Read her other thread. The above goes against who she claims to be as a person.

 

I am the most negative person I know. I have always been insecure, jealous, has low self esteem and everything that goes with it. I can’t think of anything positive in any aspect of life, something negative always takes over and I think about it until I think myself into a depressed mood. Especially in my relationship.

[d0nnivain]

Read her other thread. The above goes against who she claims to be as a person.

 

 

Well, then maybe it's time for her to change

[Whoknew30]

Firstly I appreciate your honest reply.

 

No disrespect, but I do feel it is my business considering I’m in a long term relationship with him. And just to let you know, these are THOUGHTS, I NEVER have and never would mention anything remotely negative about their son’s family in front of the son, I speak positively of them whenever they are brought up in conversation. Even to my other half. My issue is the thoughts I’m having and whether I’m being irrational. Well, I have been well and truly told. Thanks

 

No, it's not your business. What is going to happen by talking to his kid's grandparents? Not only is not your business but you're defending trying to be in charge of who a grown man talks to...even if you get married, why on earth do you think that you get to dictate who a grown man is speaking to? Also don't fool yourself into thinking that your irrationality isn't affecting your relationship some how. Wether you're saying these words or not. It's coming out in some way & this child is going to eventually see it & not like you. I can't imagine how you would handle pregnancy, if him talking to two grandparents make you feel this way.

 

Your concept of relationships is off & unhealthy. Marriage is not ownership. If you know you have issues, be an adult & face them head on...get counseling, therapy. If you know what your issues are & you're not doing anything about it, well you're not grown up enough to even be in a serious relationship.

[Blanco]

Well, then maybe it's time for her to change

 

I don't disagree. It takes a certain level of maturity to date a parent, especially when you don't have children. OP doesn't sound like she's quite there. I'd be curious to know the ages of everyone involved.

[GunslingerRoland]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the fact your bf gets along well with his child's grand parents. In fact I think it's great and I've had situations in my family where people were closer with their ex-son/daughter in law after a divorce than they were their own child.

[Miffy22]

I don't disagree. It takes a certain level of maturity to date a parent, especially when you don't have children. OP doesn't sound like she's quite there. I'd be curious to know the ages of everyone involved.

 

I am 23 and my partner is 27.

 

I do agree that I should not dictate who he speaks to, nor am I trying to do that.

I know that I have insecurities on a major level and my first step in “doing something about it” is getting some advice from these forums, people that do not know me personally and who are judging from my situation whether I have a reason to feel like I do, or if I’m being ridiculous. I am aware that what I’m feeling is not normal and yes maybe I haven’t reached the maturity that I need to be in this kind of relationship. Truth hurts, and what you’ve written is all factual and has opened my eyes just to how ridiculous I sound.

My other post doesn’t contradict who I am “claiming” to be, I’m just being honest in how I feel. Maybe I should take this to therapy and not advice forums.

Appreciate the advice.

[Blanco]

There's nothing wrong with dating a man with children (or a man dating a woman with a child), but just know that there is nothing wrong with that not being something you are truly ready for at this time in your life.

 

23 is still really young; just barely past traditional college age. To have your own child would be a lot to handle. To be partnered with someone who has a child of their own is even more of a challenge.

 

This isn't to say that you shouldn't focus on your insecurity issues, because I do think that is the root of these issues. But I also think that most people at your age simply aren't ready or properly equipped with the life experiences to make dating a person with kids an ideal situation.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I agree with Blanco. There is NOTHING wrong with you deciding that you do not want to date a man with a child. I can imagine it would be quite difficult as a 23 year old to do so when you have plenty of other options (childless) to choose from.

[Rose58]

My boyfriend has a 6 year old son from a previous relationship, him and the mother do not get on, nor does she like the fact I have a good relationship with their son. They speak mainly via text to arrange pick up/drop offs, school arrangements, birthday/christmas arrangements and that is it.

 

Now, I am a very jealous person in general, very insecure and I do not like the situation at the best of times. So, my issue is...

 

My boyfriend still gets on with her parents (they do a lot for his son, even though they live quite far away) Occasionally (not every weekend, maybe 1 in 8) he will drop his son at her parents, and will go in there to say hello. He might stay for 15 mins or maybe longer something like that to get his son settled etc. When he drops his son at his mom's house, he does not go into the house, he takes his son and his son's weekend bags up to the front door, and that's it. So out of respect for me, why would he go into her parents house for a chit chat when he is now with me? Surely that's disrespectful to me.

Genuinely, I don't mean to sound immature, selfish etc. but I just feel like he shouldn't be going in there at all really. If the roles were reversed I would wait in the car, or just go to the front door.

 

Although in addition to how I feel about that, I also feel like he has made a real effort to let me have a relationship with his son, I am the only other woman he has introduced to his son since they separated, and it is no secret to his ex or her family that he is in a serious relationship with me, and I am part of their son's life too.

 

Have I got anything to be worried about or am I being too insecure?

 

Your honesty about your insecurities is great. This means you are mature and will continue to grow in wisdom. I don't think you have anything to be concerned about. One of the reasons why he has to go in and spend a little time is that it happens so infrequently. His mom knows the scoop. It's not a bad thing for him to chat with them. A good relationship with the people that matter to his son and who are related is very smart and healthy in more ways than one. No worries love.

Edited October 12, 2017 by Rose58

[Gaeta]

You are too young and immature to date a man with a child. At your age everything is 'me me me me'. Once you have a child, like your bf, that 'me' phase is over. Everything is for the good of the child and this before your own, and before your gf or bf.

 

I applaud him for keeping a relationship with his child's grand-parents. He divorced his son's mother, not his son's grand-parents.

 

I have been divorced 19 years and I still visit my ex mother in law. My ex-h visited my parents each year and brought over his new wife with him. When he died his wife (widow) welcomed me and my family with open arms. That's what people do when they're mature.

[iVisa]

My boyfriend has a 6 year old son from a previous relationship, him and the mother do not get on, nor does she like the fact I have a good relationship with their son. They speak mainly via text to arrange pick up/drop offs, school arrangements, birthday/christmas arrangements and that is it.

 

You should realised when he has son with another woman he have to contact to his mother.

 

Now, I am a very jealous person in general, very insecure and I do not like the situation at the best of times. So, my issue is...

 

You have a big problem with jealous. Work on it.

 

My boyfriend still gets on with her parents (they do a lot for his son, even though they live quite far away) Occasionally (not every weekend, maybe 1 in 8) he will drop his son at her parents, and will go in there to say hello. He might stay for 15 mins or maybe longer something like that to get his son settled etc. When he drops his son at his mom's house, he does not go into the house, he takes his son and his son's weekend bags up to the front door, and that's it. So out of respect for me, why would he go into her parents house for a chit chat when he is now with me? Surely that's disrespectful to me.

Genuinely, I don't mean to sound immature, selfish etc. but I just feel like he shouldn't be going in there at all really. If the roles were reversed I would wait in the car, or just go to the front door.

 

I think he should respect his previous parents-in-step, because they are grandparents of his son. It's very good he make a small talk with them.

 

Although, in addition to how I feel about that, I also feel like he has made a real effort to let me have a relationship with his son, I am the only other woman he has introduced to his son since they separated, and it is no secret to his ex or her family that he is in a serious relationship with me, and I am part of their son's life too.

Have I got anything to be worried about or am I being too insecure?

 

I think you should be happy you have a boyfriend, who try to be a good father. You should accept he had another family.

 

If you really are so insecure that this continues to bother you, don't date people with kids. The kids always come first.

 

That's right!

 

I can't imagine to be with a boyfriend, who is father, because probably I would feel jealous like you. I know that when it comes about feeling we don't think resonable, but stop and think if you really can accept it.

 

You are too young and immature to date a man with a child. At your age everything is 'me me me me'. Once you have a child, like your bf, that 'me' phase is over. Everything is for the good of the child and this before your own, and before your gf or bf.

 

I applaud him for keeping a relationship with his child's grand-parents. He divorced his son's mother, not his son's grand-parents.

 

I have been divorced 19 years and I still visit my ex mother in law. My ex-h visited my parents each year and brought over his new wife with him. When he died his wife (widow) welcomed me and my family with open arms. That's what people do when they're mature.

 

Wow! It's very impressively. My parents 5 years after divorce come to me togehter in Christmas time, but I still can imagine that they go to my house togehter with they new partners.

Edited October 13, 2017 by iVisa

[spiderowl]

He gets on well with her parents. Of course he wants to see them, they are his friends and his child's grandparents. He does not go in to see his ex so he is respecting you. He knows it would upset you if he did. He probably cares about her parents. It does not mean he is disrespecting you; he is just being a decent human being. Her parents are no threat to you or your relationship with him. I think you are not seeing them as people in their own right but only as extensions to his ex. They are not his ex so you are worrying unnecessarily.