Healing... met new guy?

[heylovey22]

Hi there,

 

This may be a tad bit long so thank you ahead of time!

 

I recently just left a toxic relationship of almost two years. I moved to Nashville to pursue music. Met him and fell madly in love. Honestly, I didn't even know love like that existed.

 

Unfortunately, he was a narcissist. Alcoholic. Liar. Drug user. Obviously this all slowly came out, and I tried to deal because I loved him and believed and hoped in his change (he would yo-yo between wonderful and awful) because I had never loved a man this way. We lived together and shared our lives. It unfortunately got too horrible to bear- he would get ****faced and walk out on me, call me all kinds of names, and then he got violent... it was time to go.

 

It was the hardest thing I've ever done. At one point I really thought I'd met the man I was going to marry. I've honestly had the worst year of my life. I lost my mom unexpectedly in the beginning of the year (he didn't even come home with me), we had to put my autistic younger sister in a group home, and then this awful breakup happened that a year prior, I would've never imagined.

 

So I packed all my **** and my cat and drove back home to Jersey. I've been staying with my sister for the time being and I move into my apartment this weekend (yay!)

 

Surprisingly- I've honestly really been okay. I do have days where the weight of this year hits me hard, but I think just distancing myself from such a toxic person has really helped me start anew and gain a new understanding of life and myself, etc. We did go back and forth for a couple weeks, but he eventually just sent me an awful email calling me every name in the book, trash, telling me he hates me and wishes he never met met, etc. Anything he could've said to hurt me, he said in this email. It was honestly disgusting and I'm not sure I know a more sickening human being. I'm not sure how a man could speak or say these things to a woman, or anyone for that matter. But in a way it really finally helped me see the forest for the trees and know that I made the right choice.

 

I've been working on myself a lot. Reading a lot of books, going out with friends, spending time with my family, and working a ton since I'm going to have higher rent to pay now. I am surprised by myself because I have somehow managed to be really resilient and okay.

 

I've been going on dates here and there, just having fun and being casual... but I've met one that I really like and I need some advice on how to proceed.

 

I've seen him a couple times at an old job and small talked, and then saw him twice at my new job and finally went up to him the other day. I've always thought he was attractive. We just small talked and then I told him I couldn't wait until my shift was over (I'm a waitress) and he asked what time I would be done and then said he would take me out for a drink.

 

We had SUCH a good time. He was so sweet, opened the car door for me and bought the drinks and we talked and laughed and just genuinely had such a good time. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other. We did have some serious conversations (about the year I've had, etc) but I didn't get too in depth. I really thought I was talking too much and he kept going "no, keep going, I want to hear it all." He was genuinely interested in me. I was kinda in shock for a minute. He is 37 (I'm almost 27, but independent and mature), has a great job, has two houses... and the more I learn about him I can see that he is genuinely a good person, the kind to give the shirt off his back.

 

That night offered to take me home with him and I told him that I wasn't going to sleep with him. He said he didn't care, he wanted to kiss and cuddle me. And that's all we did. He didn't force a thing and he was incredibly sweet and cuddled me all night. I'm a huge snuggler so this gave him super bonus points for me.

 

We texted here and there, he seemed kinda distant so I didn't know how to read these texts. I just flat out asked him because I didn't want to play games : "Hey, are you seeing anyone?" He said he wasn't, that he went though a breakup earlier in the year and was going through some stuff with his family, so he was kinda taking a break from dating and just having fun and enjoying himself.

 

The truth is that I'm pretty much in the same boat. I still have some work to do on myself and some healing, I'm not trying to rush into anything, but I do really like him. I told him that. SO his response was "So lets just spend time and try not to think too much of anything right now, okay?" I said okay.

 

He was working overnights this week and said I could come by and cuddle in the morning or afternoon before his shift. I went by yesterday morning and we had sex for the first time and it was wonderful. He is so sweet and passionate, takes his time with me and holds my face and his kisses are to die for. Then he pulled me close and we stayed up for another 30/45 minutes and just talked about random things before we fell asleep. He cuddled me until we woke up.

 

We've texted here and there, mostly small talk, but he did text me back "goodnight beautiful" after I told him goodnight. His texts are distant but I'm wondering if I'm just overthinking it because when we're together, everything feels fine.

 

Here's the thing: I can see it from both sides. Some people say "he already told you what is going to happen, it's casual" and then some people say "just go with it, there's no way to know, keep having a good time and see if feelings develop". My sister thinks I should keep things casual for a long time and if he steps up then he does and if he doesn't, then I move along. I'm not the greatest at casual though. I'm an all or nothing kinda gal. (He did mention he's an all or nothing kinda guy that one night).

I'm sorta at a crossroads about it and want to hear some opinions. Being that me and him are somewhat in the same place, I can understand not wanting to jump in right away... but a part of me also feels like if you meet someone you genuinely like and get along with, you kinda make yourself ready and take the jump as to not miss out. We just met so of course it's new, but I haven't felt a connection and a comfort level with someone like this in some time and I could see myself committing to him at some point in the future if the opportunity presented itself.

 

So far we enjoy each others company and the thought of him makes me smile. I'm thinking I'm just going to try to lay back, not really text first, let him come to me. Show some emotional intelligence and almost play hard to get, even though I hate games. I'm thinking maybe giving it a month and seeing what happens? Asking him if he's developed any real feelings by then? If not then I should probably cut the cord as to not get too attached.

 

Sorry it's so long... thank you guys! xo

Edited October 11, 2017 by heylovey22

[trailwolf]

if its meant to be it will work in something great , in the mean time just have a good time and be casual , i liked what you said about playing hard to get , go for it , will probaly work out in ur favor if not ur only 27 you have plenty of time , time is on ur side .

[coolheadal]

Keep it simple and keep it real. Just go with the flow and see what happens. Yes let him make the contact and interest (the chase) You sit back and enjoy. So fart everything you have done is A+ with him. Bravo! I have something like that you have describe with a female from work. Just keeping it simple and I too have been in bed with her cuddling and snuggling. Most of what I've done to her she never has experienced it. Wow wee.. I do soft two finger gesture along the side of the cheek to show my affection towards. Again she has never had that with a man. Like said from the replay just do what you do and make it easy don't argue, keep it free and fun, as life only comes around a second time you have this chance to have something your sister would be jealous for you!