Is this emotional abuse & what next???

[juice415]

Hi,

 

 

I apologize in advance for the lengthy post and thanks for reading. Trying to solicit advice on whether this is truly emotional abuse and if controlling spouses do ever change as contemplating leaving the marriage.

 

 

Basics: married 16 years, no kids. No money issues as good fortune allowed me to do well and wife works too. We generally get along well with same sense of humor/ interests. From outsider perspective, have a good life.

 

 

For past year, I started to question and reexamine everything as thinking there is emotional abuse, control and some manipulation going on that has me questioning what a normal relationship is and if I should continue in this one. I'm just not sure if I am making too much of everything but this is why:

 

 

This year started with blow-ups by her and arguments becoming more frequent. The main issues she has with me are:

 

 

1. thought I should have gotten more money from my mom's estate but siblings got more and I didn't fight hard enough to get more money from them;

2. I work too much/ stress about my job;

3. she believes I am detached from making decisions on household stuff and don't have same level of detail (or care as much) as she does.

 

 

Regarding the estate issue, been hearing about it for past 6 years since my mom died unexpectedly. She flies into rage whenever the topic would come up or if I even suggest seeing my siblings. I then cut off contact with them. I work hard but do spend time with her. I have a demanding job but have been able to make a more comfortable living than either one of us imagined when first met. I do labor around house and not lazy.

 

 

The last major blow-up stemmed from me wanting to see my siblings that she is at odds with. She called me names I won't repeat, told me she does not respect me, that we are just friends with interests and did not think things could be fixed. The gave me silent treatment for weeks after it (which she has done in the past). I have never called her a bad name ever. I used to be afraid I would lose her and take the blame for everything, including her feelings on the estate issue. After the last blow-up by her, something went off and got me thinking. I started counseling and went into deep depression about everything in life during the silent treatment period. After taking a look at everything I started to think I was being controlled and really have built up a lot of resentment towards her.

Issues that built up the resentment:

 

 

-showing less empathy than expected in aftermath of my mom dying. When I needed support most, I was getting questioned about the estate.

 

 

-There is no intimacy between us at all. We have not had sex in 9 years. Minimal amounts for past 14. Never great, but at least it was there in past. It became a joke and embarrassing for me as I was ready and willing. When try to kiss passionately or beyond peck on cheek, there is no interest. She told me she did not want to fake it. I take care of myself so not really a physical issue on my end.

 

 

-She has taken control of finances and scrutinizes how I spend my own money. We both have own accounts and one joint account for house expenses. I make much more than her but have never questioned what she has spent one dime on.

 

 

-I found myself afraid to bring up certain topics to her and if I was out with friends she would text repeatedly whenever she wanted me back. I would even have hard time confessing if broke an item of personal property, like I was a kid - felt walking on eggshells for years

 

 

- when I informed her how unhappy I was following that blow-up/ silent treatment and said not excited about anything in life anymore (and death didn't sound so bad), it was met mostly with indifference as she was preoccupied with household projects.

 

 

I had to set up couple counseling session to which she went once and then refused to go any more (she was questioned by therapist on some things). She only got serious about talking about issues because I refused to plan rest of a vacation she wanted to go on. That is when she apologized for first time about her behavior on last blow-up. Went to another therapist for but lasted only two sessions and decided she didn't want to go again.

 

 

I now refuse to sleep in the bed and we are living like roommates.

 

 

She thinks we can fix everything on own, told me the no sex thing is an easy fix now. She told me I am too defensive and being a little too sensitive though did acknowledge that she did some hurtful things and is trying to change. I am concerned that this is because she knows I am serious and "backer her into corner." She told me I need to accept her apology and move on from my resentment now as she feels bad. My concern is that some minimal intimacy is provided and then the goal posts moved again and back to this status quo.

 

 

I don't want status quo at all. I feel trapped and losing time. Blowing everything up would be sad as we have a lot in common and have had some fun. I have felt somewhat trapped and unhappy for years (probably due to the lack of sex/ affection and some full respect for me) and wondering what normal is if I found another person. I am not completely frightened about starting over so much even being in my mid 40s. I just would feel guilty and bad for making her sad. Much of what keeps me there is history and that it is safe/ comfortable. I hate being the bad guy/ disappointing her. I threw out the idea of a temporary separation to sort out my head but she believes that is ridiculous. I likely have fallen out of love with her but don't know for sure given the mass resentment I have now. I am mad at myself for not doing anything about it earlier.

 

 

Sorry for the rambling post - I don't know what is normal and am just at a loss on what to do now.

[darkmoon]

so if that is what you have to say, and it sounds bad, stop living in the past and leave

[RecentChange]

She doesn't sound very concerned about your happiness or disappointment.

 

No sex for SIX YEARS? That would be enough to send many packing.

 

Add a lack of respect and her controlling nature....

 

I think you are simply scared of change.

 

Good job, no kids.... You have a lot of options.

[d0nnivain]

I don't see abuse here but I don't see a healthy marriage either.

 

I think you can set up an ultimatum -- MC or divorce lawyer. Going to the marriage counselor does not mean you won't get divorced but if you don't at least try, because this DIY approach where she doesn't participate in change, isn't working, divorce is the only option.

[Country_Girl]

One of the main things abusers do is get you to isolate yourself. She doesn't want you to have communication with your siblings because then she cannot control you.

[GoldenR]

No sex and she says you're just friends?

 

She's cheating on you.

[anika99]

I do see abuse. Demeaning you, name calling, extensive silent treatments, withholding sex for freaking years, trying to cut you off from family, controlling your money, not showing you any empathy, has you walking on eggshells afraid to admit to even minor errors like accidentally breaking an item, tells you right to your face that she has no respect for you.

 

Yes she is abusive and she is not truly remorseful. She would have continued treating you horribly forever if you let her get away with it. Now you are taking a stand for yourself and suddenly she can give you intimacy and treat you kindly? I don't think so. If she truly wanted to change her ways she would be attending marriage counseling and individual counseling. She's just looking for the easiest and fastest way to get you to calm down and get you back in your place.

[Just a Guy]

Hi juice, I am thinking of the song " Blue eyes cryin in the rain" and how it so aptly fits your situation. As far as abuse goes, yes she has been abusing you for years and has managed to emasculate you till you are at the stage where you are in a deep depression. Unless you are a sucker for punishment just file and get out. Love yourself a little. She doesn't. Find yourself happiness in the arms of another woman who is kind hearted and loves you to death! Warm wishes.

[BaileyB]

It's clearly not a very happy or healthy marriage.

 

If you are unhappy, you always have the decision to leave.

[pheonixrisen]

I see 2 people with a lot of resentment towards each other .

 

Her way of expressing her hurt and anger is very bad .

 

About family unless they have emotionally abused her or caused her harm she does not have the right to ask you to refuse to see them that's family you may be a brother an uncle and have responsibility towards that role .

 

 

It's not going to change till you take some drastic measures .And if you need to drag her to counselling there will just be more resentment .

 

And you cannot live the rest of your life this way .

 

So talk to her not with a question .more of statements

 

We are separating I found my self a place I am giving you and us 6 months to heal/counselling etc...this is no way to live neither for you .neither for me .but change needs to happen

 

She may beg /plead/cry say she will Change just not to go but do leave you owe your self to move away from this toxic relationship to heal

 

Take time to heal .to reconnect with family .take time to just wake up and be happy not walking on egg shell from when you wake up to when you go to bed .it will not be easy but it will be freeing .

 

See where it goes it may be the answer either you guys get help may see each other with new eyes or you may actually enjoy the seperation that may lead to divorce .either way it's a win .win ....this situation that you are currently in is just a loss till the end of your time .

 

 

See where she is at .at 6 months ..did she get help for all her resentments or same .if same then file.atleast you know you tried .

Edited October 19, 2017 by pheonixrisen

[1966Seahorse]

Hi juice415,

 

I am so sorry to hear about the unhappy state of your marriage ... I really do feel for you.

 

You say:-

 

" ... Trying to solicit advice on whether this is truly emotional abuse and if controlling spouses do ever change as contemplating leaving the marriage ..."

 

So, you admit straight away that your wife is controlling

 

You further say:-

 

" ...For past year, I started to question and reexamine everything as thinking there is emotional abuse, control and some manipulation going on that has me questioning what a normal relationship is and if I should continue in this one ..."

 

" ... This year started with blow-ups by her and arguments becoming more frequent ..."

 

" ... She called me names I won't repeat, told me she does not respect me, that we are just friends with interests and did not think things could be fixed ..."

 

" ... gave me silent treatment for weeks after it (which she has done in the past) ..."

 

" ... After taking a look at everything I started to think I was being controlled and really have built up a lot of resentment towards her ..."

 

" ... showing less empathy than expected in aftermath of my mom dying. When I needed support most, I was getting questioned about the estate ..."

 

" ... When try to kiss passionately or beyond peck on cheek, there is no interest ..."

 

" ... She has taken control of finances and scrutinizes how I spend my own money ...I make much more than her but have never questioned what she has spent one dime on ... "

 

" ... I found myself afraid to bring up certain topics to her ..."

 

" ... if I was out with friends she would text repeatedly whenever she wanted me back ..."

 

" ... I would even have hard time confessing if broke an item of personal property, like I was a kid - felt walking on eggshells for years ..."

 

" ... when I informed her how unhappy I was following that blow-up/ silent treatment and said not excited about anything in life anymore (and death didn't sound so bad), it was met mostly with indifference ..."

 

" ... I now refuse to sleep in the bed and we are living like roommates ..."

 

" ... She told me I am too defensive and being a little too sensitive ..."

 

" ... I feel trapped and losing time ..."

 

" ... I have felt somewhat trapped and unhappy for years (probably due to the lack of sex/ affection and some full respect for me) ..."

 

" ... I likely have fallen out of love with her ..."

 

" ... given the mass resentment I have now ..."

 

Reading all this back ... WOW .... just WOW.

 

From what you say, this marriage seems VERY one sided ... all on your wife's side!

 

She seems very controlling, she disrespects you and shows no regard to you/your feelings whatsoever.

 

I think you should arrange to have a serious sitdown with your wife .... tell her EVERYTHING that is making you unhappy .... and then depending on the outcome have a serious think about the way forward and your future.

 

I really do wish you well x

[juice415]

Thanks for taking the time to read and all the responses so far. I really am at a crossroad now as I have had quite a few conversations about how much I am not happy with things/ life in general and her past actions. I say past because she has been very nice lately and trying to say all of that is a thing of the past and if I just let go of resentment, everything will be OK. The problem for me is it did happen and I do have the resentment. I have now lost attraction to her over this, feel bummed about losing years of the prime of life (that should have been best years) and instead everything was compromised by being controlled and allowing it to happen I'm not sure if recent actions by her are just manipulation because she feels she is backed into corner. I feel like it is likely sincere but I'm just worried controlling people never change. This may be temporary and then 6 months from now I'm back in same sinking ship. I'm still deciding whether to go through pain of separation or risk pain of recommitting and trying to see if things have actually changed and even if I can get some of the same feelings back for her. Unfortunately, my gut is telling me one answer while my mind and body are still in the house giving me another and going back and forth depending on the minute, hour and day.

[shellybing]

Hello person, I find it easier to answer in the quotations,

so I have underlined and added my responses in bold.

Hi,

 

 

I apologize in advance for the lengthy post and thanks for reading. Trying to solicit advice on whether this is truly emotional abuse and if controlling spouses do ever change as contemplating leaving the marriage.

 

 

Basics: married 16 years, no kids. No money issues as good fortune allowed me to do well and wife works too. We generally get along well with same sense of humor/ interests. From outsider perspective, have a good life.

 

 

For past year, I started to question and reexamine everything as thinking there is emotional abuse, control and some manipulation going on that has me questioning what a normal relationship is and if I should continue in this one. I'm just not sure if I am making too much of everything but this is why:

 

 

This year started with blow-ups by her and arguments becoming more frequent. The main issues she has with me are:

 

 

1. thought I should have gotten more money from my mom's estate but siblings got more and I didn't fight hard enough to get more money from them;

2. I work too much/ stress about my job;

3. she believes I am detached from making decisions on household stuff and don't have same level of detail (or care as much) as she does.

 

 

Regarding the estate issue, been hearing about it for past 6 years since my mom died unexpectedly. She flies into rage whenever the topic would come up or if I even suggest seeing my siblings. I then cut off contact with them. I work hard but do spend time with her. I have a demanding job but have been able to make a more comfortable living than either one of us imagined when first met. I do labor around house and not lazy.

 

 

 

The last major blow-up stemmed from me wanting to see my siblings that she is at odds with. She called me names I won't repeat, told me she does not respect me, that we are just friends with interests and did not think things could be fixed. The gave me silent treatment for weeks after it (which she has done in the past). I have never called her a bad name ever. I used to be afraid I would lose her and take the blame for everything, including her feelings on the estate issue. After the last blow-up by her, something went off and got me thinking. I started counseling and went into deep depression about everything in life during the silent treatment period. After taking a look at everything I started to think I was being controlled and really have built up a lot of resentment towards her.

Issues that built up the resentment:

 

 

All of the things mentioned here do point toward emotional abuse and manipulation. If someone was holding something over your head for 6 years and couldn't get over it, or stop fighting about it - that is truly emotional abuse. I can see that, but it also sounds like you did something to recognize the situation, which was cutting off your siblings for a long time to please her. Distancing you from your friends and family is also a sign of abuse. Not forgiving or letting go of a problem, or holding it over you, is abuse. It is horrible to go through. That doesn't necessarily mean she is a psychopath, but sometimes when a hit digs at us deep we have a hard time with forgiveness. If someone cannot get over something like that I would think that it should have ended long before 6 years past. Deal with the emotions, then let it go. Forgive or not. What I do not understand is why she is still after 6 years holding it over you. That is the abusive part. It is right for her to be upset, but it is not right for her to hold anything over you for that long. She has some feelings she needs to deal with before any progress can be made, or she needs to get out of the relationship because it is oblviously not right for her if something has been so hurtful to her that she has held onto it for 5 years. She obviously resents you for that so much that is has now turned into emotional abuse.

-showing less empathy than expected in aftermath of my mom dying. When I needed support most, I was getting questioned about the estate.

 

 

-There is no intimacy between us at all. We have not had sex in 9 years. Minimal amounts for past 14. Never great, but at least it was there in past. It became a joke and embarrassing for me as I was ready and willing. When try to kiss passionately or beyond peck on cheek, there is no interest. She told me she did not want to fake it. I take care of myself so not really a physical issue on my end.

 

 

-She has taken control of finances and scrutinizes how I spend my own money. We both have own accounts and one joint account for house expenses. I make much more than her but have never questioned what she has spent one dime on.

 

 

-I found myself afraid to bring up certain topics to her and if I was out with friends she would text repeatedly whenever she wanted me back. I would even have hard time confessing if broke an item of personal property, like I was a kid - felt walking on eggshells for years

 

 

- when I informed her how unhappy I was following that blow-up/ silent treatment and said not excited about anything in life anymore (and death didn't sound so bad), it was met mostly with indifference as she was preoccupied with household projects.

 

All of this sounds like gas lighting, and silent treatment is emotional abuse if it is ongoing and continuing.

 

I had to set up couple counseling session to which she went once and then refused to go any more (she was questioned by therapist on some things). She only got serious about talking about issues because I refused to plan rest of a vacation she wanted to go on. That is when she apologized for first time about her behavior on last blow-up. Went to another therapist for but lasted only two sessions and decided she didn't want to go again.

 

 

I now refuse to sleep in the bed and we are living like roommates.

 

 

She thinks we can fix everything on own, told me the no sex thing is an easy fix now. She told me I am too defensive and being a little too sensitive though did acknowledge that she did some hurtful things and is trying to change. I am concerned that this is because she knows I am serious and "backer her into corner." She told me I need to accept her apology and move on from my resentment now as she feels bad. My concern is that some minimal intimacy is provided and then the goal posts moved again and back to this status quo.

 

 

I don't want status quo at all. I feel trapped and losing time. Blowing everything up would be sad as we have a lot in common and have had some fun. I have felt somewhat trapped and unhappy for years (probably due to the lack of sex/ affection and some full respect for me) and wondering what normal is if I found another person. I am not completely frightened about starting over so much even being in my mid 40s. I just would feel guilty and bad for making her sad. Much of what keeps me there is history and that it is safe/ comfortable. I hate being the bad guy/ disappointing her. I threw out the idea of a temporary separation to sort out my head but she believes that is ridiculous. I likely have fallen out of love with her but don't know for sure given the mass resentment I have now. I am mad at myself for not doing anything about it earlier.

 

 

Sorry for the rambling post - I don't know what is normal and am just at a loss on what to do now.

 

 

 

I am sorry you have to go through this. Nothing ever ends well, and when things are tough, we either rise up or fall down. I hope you can get to the bottom of this and find happiness, but it sounds to me like she does not respect you, your family, and will not let go of things from the past. She has already torn your family apart with the whole estate issue, and that is not right. Maybe disappointed for not getting as much, but it sounds greedy and rude that she would say anything like that to begin with. I would be disappointed, but happy I was left with anything at all from an estate. She literally ripped your family apart and you stayed with her, for what? Just so she could hold it over your head forever?

 

I was in a similar situation where I could not get over the fact that someone cheated. I once said some things and I felt like they were abusive, but I chose to end that relationship and not hold it over someone's head. It was not right for me and I knew it. It was making me crazy and in turn I said some things I should not have because of anger, resentment, disrespect, among other things. THe abuse comes in when a person knows they are hurting you and they choose to say. We all make mistakes and say things we don't mean. It is abuse when those things are used to hold you down, keep you, or held against you. There is no reason something like money should be held over your head for such a long time. . . none at all. I am so sorry. That is so hard to deal with.

 

If it were me, I would be divorcing.

[mrs rubble]

No question in my mind, she is abusive. You simply can not live like this any more. She has absolutely no right to stop you from having a relationship with your siblings. That should be your ultimate reason to leave her, she is very selfish.

I suggest you go and see your siblings and tell them all about what's been going on, they'd likely be your biggest supporters. They may help you get out of this awful marriage.

Also I'd like to add that being mid forties is no reason to think you can't still find someone who will treat you wonderfully. I did, my new husband was 45 when I met him. My work mate is getting married again soon, she just turned 50.