What do you do if you're only attracted to hot people?

[d0nnivain]

Not all of us can get off OLD.if I did I would have zero people I am physically attracted to. It may sound extreme but it is true. This may also be the case with op because I feel she and I are having similar issues

 

 

HiCrunchy -- I thought you were still hung up on your EX. That is a bigger problem then where you meet people.

 

 

OLD is a tool. Period. People met each other for millions of years before they could scroll profiles on their phones. You have to mix real life interactions into your search. What are you doing to meet new people besides sitting in front of a device scrolling through pictures? Unless you have done at least 2-3 of the following every month you are not ACTIVIELY looking; you are just scrolling & making excuses IMO:

 

 

1. Told everybody you know that you are open to being fixed up

 

 

2. Attended a single event

 

 

3. Attended a club meeting of some kind

 

 

4. Volunteered to do something -- rescue dogs; save that planet; get your favorite candidate elected; protested

 

 

5. Gone speed dating

 

 

6. Smiled & said hi to a stranger in public -- where you get your morning coffee; in the elevator at school or work; while out to lunch; at the grocery store

 

 

7. Taken or taught some type of not for credit adult education class like understanding the stock market; salsa dancing, get your 1st novel published etc.

 

 

8. Flirted with somebody

 

 

9. Gone out for drinks with friends & scoped out the scene

 

 

10. Gone to an industry networking event -- like a business card exchange, continuing education event or Chamber of Commerce meeting

 

 

OLD is never anybody's only option. It's just that the others are scarier, take more time & force you out of your comfort zone.

 

 

When I was single I made it a point to do 1-2 of those things per week. It didn't take me that long to meet new guys & eventually my husband.

 

 

Cookies' problem isn't so much that she can't find hot guys to date. It's that 5 seconds after meeting them she freaks out & does something crazy like tell the guy she doesn't want to see him until next year.

Edited October 12, 2017 by d0nnivain

[normal person]

the only other option besides celibacy and waiting for someone that probably won't come is being with someone you aren't sexually attracted to and have no spark with. That's not good. Even if you try to stay positive, it doesn't change reality.

 

Which would you rather do: be alone and search for the right person (who you may or may not find) or be with someone who's "good enough" but not necessarily the exact thing you want?

 

Each have their challenges. I've always rolled the dice and searched because I have high standards like you and I'm just not happy with most people, I'd rather be alone and continue searching for someone I do want. Everyone questions me for it. My theory is, there are some people you encounter who make your heart race and eyes widen, as if it's your body saying "you need to be with this person." Knowing that there are people out there who generate that feeling, why should I date anyone who doesn't? It seems counterproductive, like a disservice to both of us.

 

Does it have it's challenges? Absolutely. People who meet your standards might come by only a few times a year. You have to accept the fact that you might not never meet that person and you'll have wasted your time. But if you do meet that person, jackpot. It's not a risk for everyone. You deal with your dissatisfaction now to delay greater gratification later. On the other hand, if end up with "good enough," you'll likely have different problems down the road. You have someone who may be something like just a void-filler, and sure they might be fun sometimes, but that's delaying the dissatisfaction you'll feel as your lives get more intertwined. Of course these are extreme examples, but you get the point. I'm much happier waiting it out for the right person and I accept the consequences of doing so. Some people might not be and will have to lie in whatever bed they make later on. It depends on the individual I think.

 

So how well do you know yourself?

[Imajerk17]

Are you sure that your being so picky is truly your bottleneck though?

 

From reading your threads, it seems that you ALREADY are making connections with men that there is a mutual attraction (on some level). It didn't go further with several of them, according to your own words on here, because

(i) when they made contact with you on the dating site, you blocked them

(ii) the ones you did end up meeting, you broke-up or flaked on them yourself after a few dates despite your liking them, and then you seem to end up regretting it afterwards!

 

I get that this isn't how it went with *every* guy you met but it has happened with enough so that it is a pattern. It's your extreme flakiness/self-protectiveness that is your issue, not your "high standards".

Edited October 12, 2017 by Imajerk17

[GunslingerRoland]

Are you sure that your being so picky is truly your bottleneck though?

 

From reading your threads, it seems that you ALREADY are making connections with men that there is a mutual attraction (on some level). It didn't go further with several of them, according to your own words on here, because

(i) when they made contact with you on the dating site, you blocked them

(ii) the ones you did end up meeting, you broke-up or flaked on them yourself after a few dates despite your liking them, and then you seem to end up regretting it afterwards!

 

I get that this isn't how it went with *every* guy you met but it has happened with enough so that it is a pattern. It's your extreme flakiness/self-protectiveness that is your issue, not your "high standards".

 

This is the feeling I get too. I mean Cookie, you've already posted this week that you don't see the advantage of relationships and feel bad for people in them.

 

Clearly if you don't see the value in relationships than you're going to be hesitant to be in one with anyone unless they are so perfect that you don't have a choice. Which may not be a bad thing if you have the ability to wait for the perfect person. But internally you seem to be conflicted because you aren't just playing it cool until mr right walks into your life. You're running around like a chicken with your head cut off trying to find him, and panicking that every guy you meet isn't him.

 

Do you have a friend you can give your dating site passwords to, and have them take them away from you, until you've mellowed a bit?

[HiCrunchy]

HiCrunchy -- I thought you were still hung up on your EX. That is a bigger problem then where you meet people.

 

 

OLD is a tool. Period. People met each other for millions of years before they could scroll profiles on their phones. You have to mix real life interactions into your search. What are you doing to meet new people besides sitting in front of a device scrolling through pictures? Unless you have done at least 2-3 of the following every month you are not ACTIVIELY looking; you are just scrolling & making excuses IMO:

 

 

1. Told everybody you know that you are open to being fixed up

 

 

2. Attended a single event

 

 

3. Attended a club meeting of some kind

 

 

4. Volunteered to do something -- rescue dogs; save that planet; get your favorite candidate elected; protested

 

 

5. Gone speed dating

 

 

6. Smiled & said hi to a stranger in public -- where you get your morning coffee; in the elevator at school or work; while out to lunch; at the grocery store

 

 

7. Taken or taught some type of not for credit adult education class like understanding the stock market; salsa dancing, get your 1st novel published etc.

 

 

8. Flirted with somebody

 

 

9. Gone out for drinks with friends & scoped out the scene

 

 

10. Gone to an industry networking event -- like a business card exchange, continuing education event or Chamber of Commerce meeting

 

 

OLD is never anybody's only option. It's just that the others are scarier, take more time & force you out of your comfort zone.

 

 

When I was single I made it a point to do 1-2 of those things per week. It didn't take me that long to meet new guys & eventually my husband.

 

 

Cookies' problem isn't so much that she can't find hot guys to date. It's that 5 seconds after meeting them she freaks out & does something crazy like tell the guy she doesn't want to see him until next year.

 

I'm gonna reply but I just don't wanna hyjack this thread since its about the op. I explained on the thread I made beforehand (where I don't find men attractive) that the issue I have had has been since even before I met my ex. Now its just harder on me because I don't have the whole "ignorance is bliss" thing going on anymore. Since I know what its like to be in love with someone who I connect with in an emotional ana physical level. It sucks more than just no being attracted to anyone and not having experience those feelings. My ex was a rarity in a pool. The reason I am so hung up is probably because at least for me, there aren't that many fish in the sea or potential partners. I didn't date anyone I loved and was attracted to until I was 21 years old. I want to "invest" someone else to get over him, because every other thing people say you should do to get over someone I have done and it hasn't worked.

 

By these standards I suppose I am not actively looking, but if you remember my threads about my family life I don't think I can go out like that all the time due to circumstances. A lot of these may not work because the determining factor is attraction and usually just by "looking around" I haven't found it. I look for people on my commute to work, I walk around campus "searching" and still am attracted to no one. Its only happened once. With my ex. Maybe that is why I miss him so much because I know he could fill that void if he wanted to. But he doesn't. And I am stuck

Edited October 12, 2017 by HiCrunchy

[Cookiesandough]

Thank you, all. Thanks for the understanding and the kind words. Normal, you are exactly right. As much as I am worried that I need to settle, I am concerned the consequences of it down the road. It's more a FOMO than anything, but since it seems hopeless to find someone, anyway, I'm not missing out on much by waiting. Even online dating, I changed my profile around and added new words, but I'm still not finding people I really want to even meet. I've been kind of straining myself to date outside the box, but I'm growing weary.

 

@gunslinger and imajerk....I have deactivated all my profiles today and I will not be going on at least a month. It's really pointless, anyway.

 

Ty

Edited October 12, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Cookiesandough]

I'm just going to go back to staying in and playing Mass Effect etc because, honestly, I was happier that way. It gave 9999x the joy dating or a relationship ever has. That sounds pathetic, but if I'm lyin' I'm dyin'

[Jamie_1]

This is an objective question. Asking for a friend. What can you do if you feel your standards might be too high/you too shallow of a dater. This feeling can make you very sad sometimes. You know it's shallow and wrong, but the only other option besides celibacy and waiting for someone that probably won't come is being with someone you aren't sexually attracted to and have no spark with. That's not good. Even if you try to stay positive, it doesn't change reality.

 

 

/whiny post

 

But what are some solutions to this?

 

The OP is the super hot young women that sometimes has her pic as her avatar?

If it is you, take a female friend go to a bar, get moderately drunk and sit in a visible area of the pub/club and filter through the guys that buy you a drink until one takes your fancy.

 

Honestly befuddled that there isn't a litany of hotties pawing at you.

[Jamie_1]

I'm just going to go back to staying in and playing Mass Effect etc because, honestly, I was happier that way. It gave 9999x the joy dating or a relationship ever has. That sounds pathetic, but if I'm lyin' I'm dyin'

 

This may not relate to you, but I'd utter statements like that (about Fallout ) and find that really I was living in a sophisticated delusion were I rationalised my fear of not finding someone into the belief that simply didn't require a partner to be happy and that most people had fallen into the convention of clutching onto a partner for a fear of being a cultural outcast, but really I was just desperate to find someone and I couldn't admit to myself that I was terrible at doing so.

[GuitarGuy7]

I'm just going to go back to staying in and playing Mass Effect etc because, honestly, I was happier that way. It gave 9999x the joy dating or a relationship ever has. That sounds pathetic, but if I'm lyin' I'm dyin'

 

I know this may not appeal to you, but have you ever tried going to a bar or club just to try and get a one night stand? Make out with some guys?

 

You just want sex right? With a one night stand, you're skipping the pain and bullsht stage of talking to someone for a month only for them to not want to sleep with you. It's both clear what you two want and it's only for one time and one nightt. And if the sex happens to be bad, well at least you don't have to see him again and you're getting more sexual experience which you said that you want OP.

 

And since you're a girl presumably attractive, getting laid at a night club shouldn't be that hard for you. Many men go to the nightclub specifically to try and get laid. Just make sure he wears condoms and you're on the pill.

 

And even if you don't want to have sex, you can make out with some random guys or start grinding.

[OneLov]

This may not relate to you, but I'd utter statements like that (about Fallout )

 

Yeah, but if it were Mass Effect 3 and I still had my PS3? Idk. I may choose to stay in and rock the sticks.

[Cobra_X]

I'm just going to go back to staying in and playing Mass Effect etc because, honestly, I was happier that way. It gave 9999x the joy dating or a relationship ever has. That sounds pathetic, but if I'm lyin' I'm dyin'

 

I love that game!! It would take a very good relationship to beat a night of Mass Effect.

[Greenhawk84]

 

/whiny post

 

But what are some solutions to this?

 

Just remember that attraction is not a choice. You do not choose to one day be attracted to someone. Attraction is natural and it's only best to be natural with what you go for. I personally would have a lot of resentment toward my partner if I found she settled for me and it would likely ruin the relationship. Don't date on a foundation of lies.

 

 

Everyone has their own standard when it comes to attraction. I love sex and I'm not going to want to have sex with someone I am not attracted to. We just have to be patient. I am not saying there aren't exceptions like she has to be perfect. That's when you are getting a bit crazy with it.

[Erik30]

I guess the only solution would be becoming hot or succesful yourself, so the 'hot people" will notice you more... and since you're a girl you "only" have to be hot I'm not even entirely joking, that's pretty much how it works. I guess you just have to be patient, and lucky to run into the right guy.

 

I do get what you mean though. Maybe it's also because of the media, we see hot people all the time so we might think/feel it's the standard. Anything else may feel like settling.

 

A nerdy guy in tv shows/movies is often being played by an attractive actor who's in great shape, but they just put some glasses on him = nerd. So that's the whole package some girls want when they say they like "nerds." And it goes both ways. When guys say they want a "geeky girl," they're usually thinking about a hot cosplayer, or that cute girl who talks about Star Wars on her own YouTube channel. It's all mostly about looks

 

And in the meantime, October seems to be a great month for some new games

[Mysterio]

When I think of Hot. I think of a woman who's in Runway modal shape. So its body. As I have grown older. I like face more than anything.

 

I wonder sometimes if our modern day society, has blasted looks into our head so much that its making it harder for us to connect romanitcally because of the looks factor.

[HiCrunchy]

I guess the only solution would be becoming hot or succesful yourself, so the 'hot people" will notice you more... and since you're a girl you "only" have to be hot I'm not even entirely joking, that's pretty much how it works. I guess you just have to be patient, and lucky to run into the right guy.

 

I do get what you mean though. Maybe it's also because of the media, we see hot people all the time so we might think/feel it's the standard. Anything else may feel like settling.

 

A nerdy guy in tv shows/movies is often being played by an attractive actor who's in great shape, but they just put some glasses on him = nerd. So that's the whole package some girls want when they say they like "nerds." And it goes both ways. When guys say they want a "geeky girl," they're usually thinking about a hot cosplayer, or that cute girl who talks about Star Wars on her own YouTube channel. It's all mostly about looks

 

And in the meantime, October seems to be a great month for some new games

 

I don’t know about op but I don’t find a lot of men on tv hot either per say. Not sure if it is the media. I do think it is a preference thing. Though there are things everyone agrees is attractive like being healthy and fit etc

[Cobra_X]

I don’t know about op but I don’t find a lot of men on tv hot either per say. Not sure if it is the media. I do think it is a preference thing. Though there are things everyone agrees is attractive like being healthy and fit etc

 

Seriously? You want a hot guy, but your standards are so high most TV actors are below what you want?

 

Do you see the problem with this?

[Cookiesandough]

Seriously? You want a hot guy, but your standards are so high most TV actors are below what you want?

 

Do you see the problem with this?

 

Ty all

I am the same and there's definitely a problem with it. Attracted to an extreme few is why I made the thread. I wonder if there's a type of therapy for this? It's not much as having higher-than-movie-star standards, but just being attracted to unconventionally good looking people.

[bebe23]

Ty all

I am the same and there's definitely a problem with it. Attracted to an extreme few is why I made the thread. I wonder if there's a type of therapy for this? It's not much as having higher-than-movie-star standards, but just being attracted to unconventionally good looking people.

 

Wow, I can kind of relate with this. Once, I was at the drugstore checkout and saw a photo on the cover of a magazine, and thought 'what an unattractive guy!' I looked closer and saw that it was, in fact, Brad Pitt.

On the other hand, I find 'less' conventionally attractive actors to be VERY good looking. In daily life, I could find a balding or heavier guy at my local Walmart cute. Sometimes my own husband appears especially handsome, and sometimes he doesn't. (That's more because of moods and attitudes than anything!)

 

It also goes hand in hand with seeing YOURSELF as unattractive, too. For me, I won't put pics of myself on FB anymore because I don't like them.

 

Cookies, were you criticized on looks as a child, or made to diet or compared to prettier people? Or made to feel like you HAD to be pretty to make up for being shy or awkward? Because when I read your posts I can always relate to what you are saying.

[OatsAndHall]

Honestly, I think it takes time and relationship experience for folks to figure out exactly what they want out of a partner, physically and emotionally. Yes, physical attraction is extremely important but it's the emotional attraction that keeps a relationship alive and well. It's not really a matter of "lowering standards"; just simply prioritizing what you are looking for in a suitor. I'll be blunt; dating is going to be miserable if someone's top priorities are physical, versus emotional. But, this is something that took me a long time to realize..

 

I've tossed out this diatribe before but I'll do it again, seeing as it's applicable. I was a competitive bodybuilder and powerlifter when I was younger. I was 5'10'', 175-180lbs and ripped from dieting and hitting the gym continually. But, I was also extremely arrogant about it and really felt like I 'deserved' to date beautiful women.

 

I was heavily involved with a beautiful, sweet, caring young woman at the time but I got a lot of attention from women that I deemed "hotter". I was an ass and fooled around on her with one of these women. I came clean and it eventually ended my relationship. She was devastated by my infidelity and it killed me when we split.. She is now married with two kiddos and I still think of her as the "one that got away" from time to time.

 

To make matters worse, I continued on my trend of only dating "the beautiful people" after we split up and ended up in bad relationships. I ignored so many red-flags because these women were "hot" and it never ended well. It honestly took me marrying and subsequently divorcing a gorgeous woman (but incredibly unstable) for me to figure it out.

 

I have learned a few things from this experience. Firstly, I can find one or two things that I find physically attractive in a woman and that will keep the physical intimacy alive for me (although I am not attracted to over-weight women and that won't change..). I don't feel like I am lowering my standards; I have just discovered what I need out of a woman physically. And, a good time in between the sheets isn't completely dependent on a person's physical appearance; the actions in the bedroom themselves are what make for fun.

 

Secondly, I am severely and instinctively turned off by a lack of emotional compatibility, even if the woman is extremely physically attractive. I actually cancelled a date that was scheduled for this weekend because the woman I was talking to added me on Facebook and she had some sexually explicit posts up on her page. I find her to be very physically attractive but those posts are a serious turn-off for me.

 

So my long winded suggestion is this; folks need to look at their long-term goals when they are dating. They need to decide what they want out of a partner emotionally and prioritize that above a ton of physical attributes. Again, lay out a few physical attributes that are an absolute must but then dial in on someone's personality.

Edited October 13, 2017 by OatsAndHall

[Cookiesandough]

Bebe, lol.. Your post is funny( b. Pitt and your dhubz being not cute only at certain angles )

& yes

I was bullied in until my teens for being awkward/'nerdy' then started getting nice words//became 'popular'with the kids. I did not like it. Ive always seen the same person inside and out.

 

It's good that someone can relate.

Edited October 13, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[HiCrunchy]

Seriously? You want a hot guy, but your standards are so high most TV actors are below what you want?

 

Do you see the problem with this?

 

Lol I don’t think that’s what it is. My niche of men may not be considered hot by other people. Just because the media thinks these actors are hot doesn’t mean I am supposed to. Not high just different pereference?. Plus there are so traits that turn me off no matter what their looks. Like many tv actors are cocky (not all of course) which is a huge turn off to me.

[HiCrunchy]

Ty all

I am the same and there's definitely a problem with it. Attracted to an extreme few is why I made the thread. I wonder if there's a type of therapy for this? It's not much as having higher-than-movie-star standards, but just being attracted to unconventionally good looking people.

 

Yep so agree!

It’s weird to say but movie stars are just not my type.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I sometimes see men I think are attractive but if they ask me out, I might not be attracted to them anymore. I think it's because their personality might not appeal to me.

 

For me, a man's demeanor is equally as important as his appearance. I don't care how good looking a guy is, if he's "dumb as rocks" as they say, I have absolutely no attraction to him at all.

 

I'm editing this to add that even guys who aren't intelligent are attractive if they care to hear what others have to say, are kind to others, and involved with them. Now that I've thought about the "dumb as rocks" quote above in my mind I believe I apply that to someone who has nothing to add to society at all and just thinks standing around looking good is enough. This could apply to men or women, both. So, feel that quote isn't representative of what I really meant. Going to leave it since it's been read, though.

Edited October 13, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[Chilli]

Everyone seems to have this fantasy these days that they can shoot for much higher than their equivalent , 10yrs later they usually still unsuccessfully at it.

You van't see what anyone looks like here so if someone met this or that , maybe they're as hot as themselves anyway too, can't tell.

But from a guys point of view that's a bit of a female death wish because if she's not his equivalent or better then in time , might be 10yrs but bet most will lose interest and be looking at and wanting all the hotties out there instead.

Hence why so many screw around.

It's hard enough as it is for a guy to stay on the straight and narrow, l don't think women have any idea how hard that actually is or how seeing all the hotties out there effects a guy.

 

In all honesty, for a lasting thing, she needs to outshine him if anything, really.