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What do you do if you're only attracted to hot people?


Cookiesandough

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Ty all

I am the same and there's definitely a problem with it. Attracted to an extreme few is why I made the thread. I wonder if there's a type of therapy for this? It's not much as having higher-than-movie-star standards, but just being attracted to unconventionally good looking people.

 

In sexual attraction what you are really doing is evaluating a potential mate for different things. Health and quality genetics is an important indicator, as is status, social ability, and then it's all processed through a lens of your own personal and unique emotional needs.

 

This is why personal style can play such a huge role in attracting women. If I dress like a biker and act tough/dangerous, that will attract a different type of woman than if I dress and act like an outdoorsy woodman type.

 

Now I don't know how this is presenting itself within your life. You could be attracted to dwarfism or men with long faces. It doesn't really matter. What you will find is that over time your attractions will change based on your emotional state. There are tons of scientific studies showing women become more attracted to masculine traits during fertile periods and then less attracted post ovulation.

 

Lol I don’t think that’s what it is. My niche of men may not be considered hot by other people. Just because the media thinks these actors are hot doesn’t mean I am supposed to. Not high just different pereference?. Plus there are so traits that turn me off no matter what their looks. Like many tv actors are cocky (not all of course) which is a huge turn off to me.

 

Are you old enough to be able to distinguish between cocky and confident?

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Are you old enough to be able to distinguish between cocky and confident?

 

Age has nothing to do with determining if I know how to read people or not. Older does not always mean wiser and being 22 doesn't make me dumb either. Reading a person and understanding human relationships and social cues is more of a skill than something you just get with age. You have to be able to observe people, think and access.

 

But aside from celebs I never really think about my attraction (or lack of attraction) to them because I never considered these people to be potential partners. It didn't bother me much that I wasn't attracted to them, if anything its better for me, cuz then I'd be in stuck in the loop of wanting what I can't have.

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Physical attraction is a must. That being said, it goes beyond good looks. I've seen beautiful women become homely after I got to know their personalities. I myself prefer a woman who stays in shape, but isn't too beautiful. The ones who have gone through life with everybody captivated by, and commenting on, their looks tend to have an entitlement mentality and high maintenance factor which leaves me running for the exits.

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You grow up one day.

 

I was like that until my early 30s.

 

I see now that the hottest people are the least interesting mentally.

 

Yay to growing up and realizing things.

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You grow up one day.

 

I was like that until my early 30s.

 

I see now that the hottest people are the least interesting mentally.

 

Yay to growing up and realizing things.

 

Physical attraction is a must. That being said, it goes beyond good looks. I've seen beautiful women become homely after I got to know their personalities. I myself prefer a woman who stays in shape, but isn't too beautiful. The ones who have gone through life with everybody captivated by, and commenting on, their looks tend to have an entitlement mentality and high maintenance factor which leaves me running for the exits.

 

You can be "hot and smart". But I guess it depends more on the personalities of these hot people.

The fact that smart people can't be attractive or that all attractive people are shallow and superficial is just false. These things are not mutually exclusive.

It depends more on the individual.

Edited by HiCrunchy
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Cookiesandough
You can be "hot and smart". But I guess it depends more on the personalities of these hot people.

The fact that smart people can't be attractive or that all attractive people are shallow and superficial is just false. These things are not mutually exclusive.

It depends more on the individual.

 

I agree. They're not. Moreover, I am choosing "hot" over "mentally stimulating" at this point, because if I wanted mentally stimulating I'd go play chess or fiddle with a Rubik's cube. He can be mentally stimulating all day, but if I am not feeling that spark, those butterflies, that attraction, we might as well be friends. There's no point in forcing something that's a waste of time for both of us and I don't know why I'm like this. It's upsetting.

 

I keep thinking about how I used to stare at my ex's face while he slept (shut up ) and it was one of the most serene, beautiful things ever. I really want that again but know I won't have it :(

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Age has nothing to do with determining if I know how to read people or not. Older does not always mean wiser and being 22 doesn't make me dumb either. Reading a person and understanding human relationships and social cues is more of a skill than something you just get with age. You have to be able to observe people, think and access.

But aside from celebs I never really think about my attraction (or lack of attraction) to them because I never considered these people to be potential partners. It didn't bother me much that I wasn't attracted to them, if anything its better for me, cuz then I'd be in stuck in the loop of wanting what I can't have.

 

Your brain isn't even fully developed until 23. So, yes age does matter. Maybe you won't believe me until you get older.

 

Young kids are notorious for not being able to distinguish cocky/arrogant from confident. This is why we teach younger boys to be jerks in order to attract women. They havn't developed the confidence yet, but they have no problem being pricks.

 

I agree with you that crushing on celebs is often a waste of time.

 

You can be "hot and smart". But I guess it depends more on the personalities of these hot people.

The fact that smart people can't be attractive or that all attractive people are shallow and superficial is just false. These things are not mutually exclusive.

It depends more on the individual.

 

Everything you say is true. However, you will find in life that being highly attractive changes peoples behaviors. I manage a whole sales team. The men who are more attractive are less skillful at sales. It's not universally true, but in the vast majority of instances it is accurate. Part of my job also requires me to follow these sales reps for a week or so to observe and train them. I noticed years ago that attractive men are treated differently. They have an easier time gaining access to decision makers. My ugly reps have to work harder, display better personality traits, often times be more persuasive to achieve the same results.

 

Here is the thing... there is nothing from stop the more attractive reps from learning these skills. It's actually my job to teach them. Most resist putting in the effort. A few work at it and become great. Our companies best sales reps also tend to be the most handsome or pretty.

 

I should also say that many of the girls I went to high school with who are both very attractive and very intelligent... were not "hotties" in high school. In particular a friend Veronica was very fat and had bad skin. She did computer science and is perhaps the hottest genius I know today.

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I agree. They're not. Moreover, I am choosing "hot" over "mentally stimulating" at this point, because if I wanted mentally stimulating I'd go play chess or fiddle with a Rubik's cube. He can be mentally stimulating all day, but if I am not feeling that spark, those butterflies, that attraction, we might as well be friends. There's no point in forcing something that's a waste of time for both of us and I don't know why I'm like this. It's upsetting.

 

I keep thinking about how I used to stare at my ex's face while he slept (shut up ) and it was one of the most serene, beautiful things ever. I really want that again but know I won't have it :(

 

I don't want to have to choose. I want to be with someone I click with emotionally and physically. It has happened to me once before, and I am trying to encourage myself that it will happen to me again. I like being able to have conversations that are more intellectual at times. It is something that I appreciated with my ex.

 

Its okay cookie. I think about my ex like that all the time. I used to look at his face when he slept sometimes. I'd trace my finger tips on his eyebrows, down his cheeks and lips. How his hair that he would normally wear back would sweep on to his forehead, since he was so close and warm I'd hear his breath. Part of me was being a bit mischievous and teasing him hoping I'd wake him up and the other part was just admiring the human being I was with. During those times my mind would wonder on the fun times we spent during the day, the light laughs, and conversations. I was so happy and grateful to be with him. When he'd notice me looking at him, he would open his eyes slightly and smile. He'd pull me in so that my face was now in his chest. So close I could hear his heart beat. I'm pretty short and he was so tall so I could feel him completely surrounding me. He was warm. He was strong. I felt so safe during those moments. I'd hear the rain outside, thunder that would normally make me wince was more of a gentle rumble in the background and then I'd fall asleep. I still think fondly of him. All the time.

 

I miss him, if I am honest. I miss him all the time. And I think about him everyday to an extent. And I'd be lying if I didn't say I didn't tear up a while writing this out.

 

I'd like to feel those things again. I'd like to physical feel that warm again. See that smile again.

I still feel them and see them, but only in my memories. When I remember he is not here, then it hurts again.

I am really banking on my memory getting worse.

 

Those times for me (and I assume for you) were beautiful.

 

I need to feel them for someone else now. He is not coming back, ever. I know that.

So I have to force myself to.

 

We both have to.

 

But I don't believe we have to settle.

Edited by HiCrunchy
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I agree. They're not. Moreover, I am choosing "hot" over "mentally stimulating" at this point, because if I wanted mentally stimulating I'd go play chess or fiddle with a Rubik's cube. He can be mentally stimulating all day, but if I am not feeling that spark, those butterflies, that attraction, we might as well be friends. There's no point in forcing something that's a waste of time for both of us and I don't know why I'm like this. It's upsetting.

I keep thinking about how I used to stare at my ex's face while he slept (shut up ) and it was one of the most serene, beautiful things ever. I really want that again but know I won't have it :(

 

Interesting. How do you feel about your own level of attractiveness? Have you ever been treated as though you were ugly?

 

You have to make sure the guy isn't attracted to you at all. Friendzoning a guy is one of the meanest things you can do. These types of guys tend to lack the self esteem to kick you out of their lives, and so just tend to let you take advantage.

 

Also... stop reading Twilight. Watching people sleep!?! It's not romantic.

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Cookiesandough

 

I miss him, if I am honest. I miss him all the time. And I think about him everyday to an extent. And I'd be lying if I didn't say I didn't tear up a while writing this out.

 

I'd like to feel those things again. I'd like to physical feel that warm again. See that smile again.

I still feel them and see them, but only in my memories. When I remember he is not here, then it hurts again.

I am really banking on my memory getting worse.

 

Those times for me (and I assume for you) were beautiful.

 

I need to feel them for someone else now. He is not coming back, ever. I know that.

So I have to force myself to.

 

We both have to.

 

But I don't believe we have to settle.

 

((((hicrunchy)))) hugz

 

 

-------------------------

Cobra, I would never friendzone a guy or keep orbiters. Never ever ever. So awkward not to mention immoral

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Interesting. How do you feel about your own level of attractiveness? Have you ever been treated as though you were ugly?

 

You have to make sure the guy isn't attracted to you at all. Friendzoning a guy is one of the meanest things you can do. These types of guys tend to lack the self esteem to kick you out of their lives, and so just tend to let you take advantage.

 

Also... stop reading Twilight. Watching people sleep!?! It's not romantic.

 

I have never read twilight and don't really watch romantic books (even though I am a romantic I hate the cheesiness as strange as it sounds).

 

These were just times when he and I were in bed together. He'd fall asleep and I'd have trouble sleeping. Its not like twilight were the dude stalked her, broke in to her room just so he could watch her sleep. Of course that would be ****ing creepy.... It was more of one of those in the moment things, while cuddling with a loved one.

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I have never read twilight and don't really watch romantic books (even though I am a romantic I hate the cheesiness as strange as it sounds).

These were just times when he and I were in bed together. He'd fall asleep and I'd have trouble sleeping. Its not like twilight were the dude stalked her, broke in to her room just so he could watch her sleep. Of course that would be ****ing creepy.... It was more of one of those in the moment things, while cuddling with a loved one.

 

I really dislike the Hollywood romance stuff... it never rings true to life. They just write fantasies for certain audiences. The best romance movie I can think of is Casablanca.

 

Anyway, It's Ok. I was joking about Twilight. I used to watch my xWife sleep too... mostly hoping she would stop breathing.

 

I learned at age 18 or 19 to see people's physical flaws. I actually trained myself to focus on them. I think it would be nice to find someone so attractive that I'm mesmerized by her beauty. It's not going to happen though... nobody is perfect and at this point I can't put the genie back into the bottle.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with taking time to get over a relationship. Just make sure you remember it correctly and don't romanticize it too much. I focus hard remembering all the bad stuff, you seem to do the opposite and focus on the good. It's a great trait in a relationship, maybe hold onto that.

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Go for whoever you find attractive. Sometimes you might see someone and immediately be attracted to their looks. Other times you might not, but will find them more attractive as you get to know their personality. Vice versa, someone could be attracted to your looks or your personality. Just because someone is better looking than you, doesn't mean they won't date you if they get to know you. Plus there are loads of people who have fetishes for things you might not expect - amputees, or short people, or fat people, or older people, etc. It isn't shallow to pursue the people you personally find attractive.

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Go for whoever you find attractive. Sometimes you might see someone and immediately be attracted to their looks. Other times you might not, but will find them more attractive as you get to know their personality. Vice versa, someone could be attracted to your looks or your personality. Just because someone is better looking than you, doesn't mean they won't date you if they get to know you. Plus there are loads of people who have fetishes for things you might not expect - amputees, or short people, or fat people, or older people, etc. It isn't shallow to pursue the people you personally find attractive.

 

Trying to date someone you are not attracted to is stupid. Don't do it.

 

Being attracted to a narrow band of people or to folks who are bad for you is also stupid. Don't do it.

 

The answer is to understand what creates your attractions and change them. A small change can make a big difference.

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Trying to date someone you are not attracted to is stupid. Don't do it.

 

Being attracted to a narrow band of people or to folks who are bad for you is also stupid. Don't do it.

 

The answer is to understand what creates your attractions and change them. A small change can make a big difference.

 

I have always been told you "you can't help who you are attracted to" so if you are naturally only attracted to a narrow number of people isn't really something you can help.

 

I agree don't date someone you are not attracted to, because you are just going to hurt them in the end. It is not fair to them

Edited by HiCrunchy
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I have always been told you "you can't help who you are attracted to" so if you are naturally only attracted to a narrow number of people isn't really something you can help.

I agree don't date someone you are not attracted to, because you are just going to hurt them in the end. It is not fair to them

 

Of course you can change. People say you can't change because it justifies their poor choices. It's stupid and lazy.

 

Don't expect to be able to make huge changes though. You can't go from only being attracted to 6 pack ab guys to 400lbs obese men.

 

Also your attractions are directly tied to your own mental health. The more crazy you carry with you the more crazy you will experience in your attractions.

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I don't have time to explain everything about what creates sexual attraction and how to make modifications to what you need. Here is a professional that explains things pretty well.

 

I used to be specifically attracted to terrible women. It took me almost 5 or 6 years to fix resolve this issue.

 

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/07/can-we-change-who-were-physically-attracted-to/

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I don't have time to explain everything about what creates sexual attraction and how to make modifications to what you need. Here is a professional that explains things pretty well.

 

I used to be specifically attracted to terrible women. It took me almost 5 or 6 years to fix resolve this issue.

 

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/07/can-we-change-who-were-physically-attracted-to/

 

That's a decent article. I also had a preference up to my early 20s that led me to exactly the type women that I wasn't compatible with. I purposely experimented, with a lot of failures, but also a few successes that opened the door to women I didn't consider before. It wasn't as much of a case of "hot or not", but reaching different types of women who were previously not something I thought were attainable or simply not part of my usual social circle.

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I had a friend like that. Always went after the girls who could have been Playboy cover girls. Problem was that he was not hot and none of them would stay with him after a date or two. He was not rich and not very alpha. He never made a move on his dates, preferring to idolize them instead. Last I heard he was in his 40's and still looking.

 

I was considered a hot guy in my younger days and did not know that until some girls told me when I was an adult. My wife knew about me and saw my picture years before we met. My wife says she was stunned when I asked her out on a date since she was a virgin at 19 and not like the girls I used to date. She was even more shocked when I asked her to marry me 3 weeks after we met. We are married 45 years.

 

First off, there can only be one hot looking person in a marriage or else you will both be fighting for time in front of the mirror. :) Just kidding but some people are like that. They want the attention to be on them, not their partners when they go out.

 

I used to date cheerleaders and even two models, one was on the Cover of 17, a teen magazine that I do not think exists today. The other was a fashion model. Not walkway, photos. I also dated average girls and when it came time to find a wife, I went with someone I felt would be good for me and love me and not themselves. I was right. Looks fade as all the old people here will say. They place sense of humor on the top of their list. They want someone who can make them laugh everyday. There is a reason why so many guys divorce their model wives and vice versa. You see it among celebrities and rich people all the time. They want trophy wives and then when they start to look normal after years together, they want new trophies.

 

You can always turn out the lights at night. You know when you really love someone when you do not care much about how they look.

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Don't expect to be able to make huge changes though. You can't go from only being attracted to 6 pack ab guys to 400lbs obese men.

 

I agree with this sentiment and am living proof that the statement "one can't control who they are attracted to" is a fallacy.

 

It takes RELATIONSHIP experience to figure this out though; not just dating experience. It takes a person being involved with someone for more than a few dates to truly understand what they are attracted to and what they aren't. And, to decide what it truly important for them in a relationship.

 

At the end of last spring, I started dating an attractive, older woman who's company I enjoyed. I certainly wouldn't say she was my "type" physically as she's a rail-thin brunette (I prefer blondes and redheads) but has a distinguished beauty to her. But, she is a pleasant, intelligent woman and her and I enjoyed our time together. Unfortunately, it wasn't a good match for a number or reasons and we stopped seeing one another at the end of the summer.

 

Around the same time, a gorgeous, curvy blonde (EXACTLY my type) co-worker that was going through a divorce was knocking on my door. It was obvious that she is was attracted to me before and after her divorce. She isn't a bad woman but I don't find her personality attractive, at all. She is a bit of a wild-child, drinks more than I am comfortable with and, although I can laugh with her and have a good time in certain situations, I could never see myself dating her. I am currently single and it has been suggested by many co-workers that I date her but I am keeping my distance because I know that it just isn't a good match for me. It's a bad move because I work with her and because I just know that we won't click..

 

I know many of guys who have jumped at the chance to date her over the woman that I ended up seeing but I know myself well and I would end up being in a bad situation if I started seeing her.

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Cookiesandough

I have a story about this too that explains why I'm leery to try. When I was in college I stayed in my room a lot in my free time on my computer. I started playing a game and met a fantastic guy. We exchanged instant message info at my request. We were around the same age and had similar interests. I was so attracted to his personality. He had the sharpest wit I've ever witness in a man to this day. He was smart in other ways too, knowledgable, nice person, everything I admired. I grew infatuated with him and intimidated by him.

 

It took me over a year of friendship through IM to confess my crush to him. I told him I loved him and I meant it. He said he had feelings for me too, but if I saw him I wouldn't love him because he is ugly. At this point, he had seen a picture and video of me, but I had never seen him. I insisted he was being ridiculous and I didn't like that word. That I LOVED him, and I didn't care what he looked like. It wouldn't matter to me.

I truly believed that.

 

One day, he gave me a pic. I wasn't attracted to him at all. He wasn't bad looking AT ALL and I told him he was crazy for saying such a thing. Actually, he had quite conventionally good looks. He just wasn't my type. I started to pull away a bit, confused. I did love him...but I couldn't make myself feel desire for him.

 

Meanwhile, he grew closer. He told me he wanted me to move in with him in his flat in NY and get a pet together and live happily forever. I felt trapped, panicked. I didn't want that. But I kept telling myself maybe I did. Maybe I would be a fool to let a connection like this go. But he would want sex. He would deserve a girl who wanted it with him. And I did not want that...

 

On the phone one night, he told me, "I am about to buy your ticket" I said, "NO!!! I...don't think I'm ready for all this" He understood that and was patient for awhile longer. He kept telling me he loved me each night. I began not to say it back because I was afraid I was leading him on. One night, I snapped and told him "I think you can do better than me. I am not ready for a relationship. I'm not mature enough"

 

He saw through this for what it was, but he sadly agreed to be my friend. It was painful for me because of all I put this guy through...and a part of me did love him and did want to feel attracted, but I couldn't force it. Sometimes I wonder if I visited him and tried if things would have changed. If my life would be different.

 

I still think of him often and wish the best for him. I hope he has found love. I guess some would say he dogded a bullet. I hate that I am so shallow, but I don't know if it's something I can control.

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Cookiesandough
I had a friend like that. Always went after the girls who could have been Playboy cover girls. Problem was that he was not hot and none of them would stay with him after a date or two. He was not rich and not very alpha. He never made a move on his dates, preferring to idolize them instead. Last I heard he was in his 40's and still looking.

 

I was considered a hot guy in my younger days and did not know that until some girls told me when I was an adult. My wife knew about me and saw my picture years before we met. My wife says she was stunned when I asked her out on a date since she was a virgin at 19 and not like the girls I used to date. She was even more shocked when I asked her to marry me 3 weeks after we met. We are married 45 years.

 

First off, there can only be one hot looking person in a marriage or else you will both be fighting for time in front of the mirror. :) Just kidding but some people are like that. They want the attention to be on them, not their partners when they go out.

 

I used to date cheerleaders and even two models, one was on the Cover of 17, a teen magazine that I do not think exists today. The other was a fashion model. Not walkway, photos. I also dated average girls and when it came time to find a wife, I went with someone I felt would be good for me and love me and not themselves. I was right. Looks fade as all the old people here will say. They place sense of humor on the top of their list. They want someone who can make them laugh everyday. There is a reason why so many guys divorce their model wives and vice versa. You see it among celebrities and rich people all the time. They want trophy wives and then when they start to look normal after years together, they want new trophies.

 

You can always turn out the lights at night. You know when you really love someone when you do not care much about how they look.

 

Yes, I understand "looks fade" but when you meet someone you are physically attracted to, it is gradual. There is something called "love goggles" where people in love that stay in love view their partners not alike they met 20, 30, 40 years previous. Plus there's a vast difference between a person not being your type entirely and a person being your type but have gone through some aging(as long as it's not incredibly drastic)...It's different. Men judge me too on my looks and if I am not their type I totally understand and no hard feelings. I know you can't force these things. The truth is, like someone said above, there IS someone who is crazy about that person...no matter what they look like...So why not let that person find that person? Especially since sex is so important to men. I would want to be with someone I felt attraction to so I would initiate sex with them and make them feel desired instead of trying to get out of it even though I loved them. Sex is very important to men. I'm not going to be as enthusiastic and willing to try new things and explore MY sexuality if I'm not attracted either. It's just ugh...I don't know.

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Cookiesandough
A few things. Cookies, judging by the pics you have occasionally posted here, you are gonna qualify as hot yourself. Getting a subjectively hot guy yourself should be easy enough. The problem is the fact that it is somewhat objective. When I say you are hot, that is coming from an average looking 38 year old dude. Most guys in my boat are gonna agree with me. What really matters is what you consider to be hot in men. If the only dudes you think are hot are the top 1% in looks, the Clooney types that can bang supermodels every day, you might be in trouble. People tend to pair off with others of like attractiveness, and generally speaking, the only way a woman is gonna land a guy who is significantly better looking than she is would be for casual sex.

 

The girl I am dating now is about as attractive as I am but I have dated hot women before. Guys can kinda date up in looks department if they bring something else to the table. If a dude is rich, a good BSer, very talented, ect, hot women will still wanna be with him. The problem is, guys don't care about any of that stuff. We aren't looking for rich girls or talented girls, we want pretty girls. We don't care if those pretty girls are unemployed and uneducated, just be pretty. That's why it's tough for women to find guys better looking than they are.

 

I feel your pain a bit. Right after I got dating a stupid hot girl, I was a bit less enthusiastic about dating someone less attractive than she...which was pretty much every other women I had ever met. Lucky for me, I do at least find most women attractive, so I just found someone else and got on with my life. You can either do that, or sit around waiting for a guy who may or may not exist. Your choice.

 

 

Thanks for the kid words above. I'm ok, nothing special. & I understand people tend to pair off in like-actractiveness. I'm not attracted to George Clooney types, he's a bit too old for me, but even when he was younger, he didn't do it for me facially. I don't care about money or any of that. I want to feel lust for the guy, not looking for the guy to settle down with because he's financially secure. So yeah, it's pretty bad. What you said about girls being able to "punch above their weight" for casual was what I was banking on, but I haven't had experience even in that, tbh. I thought I could at least get guys I'm attracted to be casual with, but it's not happening really. I don't get hot guys really casually trying sexing me up (Can I bring up my past posts where 2 guys wanted to wait...I felt kind of friend zoned) My ex was what I consider good-looking so maybe I still have a shot, but I keep thinking I lucked out with him and it was a one-off. It's a sad situation all around.

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Cookiesandough

I personally don't find him attractive. He is like Brad Pitt. The media says he is the most attractive a man alive doesn't mean that every woman agrees. Plus he is 30 years older than me. It would be unusual for me to lust for him. I don't believe the models he sleeps with do it out of lust and desire but because of his famous/money

 

I am not looking to get banged by hot dudes necessarily. Wouldn't hurt for the option to be there since it is for other women. They have been through it and I can't. I guess I dont want to date someone who I dont feel lust/desire for, especially since this is the person I will be sleeping with for the rest of my life potentially . I can't help what makes me feel lust. I guess it is sad.

Edited by Cookiesandough
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