How do I move on?

[HiCrunchy]

How do I move on?

 

If you have been following my posts then you know I have been separated from my boyfriend for 1 year now. We were together 6 months.

 

I am in no contact with him, I don't look at photos anymore and I never go on facebook (he isn't my friend on fb either way so it doesn't matter), I deleted my snapchat, and I don't bring him up or talk about him unless someone else brings him up. I have deleted all emails, threads on my phone, pictures on my phones. I am in as complete no contact as you can get. I got a new job, I moved back home after college so I am no longer in the same city that would trigger my memories of him and I am basically living an new life. I am much in a much different place that I was before.

 

Logic so dictates that I should be over him by now.

 

But I guess I am not. I am not sure of what to do anymore. I think about him all the time and there hasn't been a day that I don't think about him.

I am starting to forget what his face looks like, what his voice sounds like, but I still think about him. I miss him all the time. I think about the memories, that are now kinda foggy, but the emotions associated with them are still as strong as ever.

 

People always tell you to move on, but even with all this work I have put in, my thoughts still go to him, everyday without fail.

 

I cried the other day while cleaning my room because I found a dress I wore for a very special day for us. I threw it away. But I am at my wits end. I just wish these thoughts would stop, that I wouldn't keep hoping that he came back. He isn't coming back. I know that. I keep having to remind myself that everyday. Every time a thought comes up I tell myself "He is gone, He is never coming back, He doesn't love you anymore and never will again".

Every time I tell myself this I have to keep it together because these words I tell myself still hurt.

 

Some one explain to me, how does someone move on?

How do I know if I have moved on?

Do the feelings ever go away? I am thinking that maybe for some people they never do.

Edited October 12, 2017 by HiCrunchy

[d0nnivain]

The fact that 1 year later you are still hung up on somebody you only dated for 6 months does seem disconcerting. But grief has its own timeline

 

First do you want to be over him? Some part of you may be hanging on to the pain because it's familiar or because you are afraid to try again or because you fear there will not be anyone else. So make the decision that you are going to let go because it's over.

 

I'd make some lists:

 

* all the reasons he's bad for you

 

* all the reasons you are better off apart

 

* all the things you would like to accomplish now that you are single

 

Re-read the 1st two lists periodically. If you don't have at least 10 items on each one, get input from friends & family. Also throw yourself into accomplishing the things on the 3rd list.

 

If none of that seems to be working, consider therapy.

[chaoticjoy3]

Break-ups can be hard and it seems like this one is exceptionally changeling for you. How is your support system, do you have friends and family you can spend time with who can help to fill the void you are still feeling? I think the previous poster has a great point in making the list, especially when they talk about focusing on the things you want to accomplish. Chances are you are not going to be single forever and now you have an opportunity to really focus on you. Time will make this better, but in the mean time look to those around you for support. Have movie night with friends, hang out with your family, get involved with local organizations or your church. Do your best to focus on all the blessings you have and hopefully the memory will fade. Blessings to you....

[HiCrunchy]

The fact that 1 year later you are still hung up on somebody you only dated for 6 months does seem disconcerting. But grief has its own timeline

 

First do you want to be over him? Some part of you may be hanging on to the pain because it's familiar or because you are afraid to try again or because you fear there will not be anyone else. So make the decision that you are going to let go because it's over.

 

I'd make some lists:

 

* all the reasons he's bad for you

 

* all the reasons you are better off apart

 

* all the things you would like to accomplish now that you are single

 

Re-read the 1st two lists periodically. If you don't have at least 10 items on each one, get input from friends & family. Also throw yourself into accomplishing the things on the 3rd list.

 

If none of that seems to be working, consider therapy.

 

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it.

 

I do fear there will be no one else because of how my love life has been till now. What does it mean to let go? I know he isn't coming back so there isn't a hope. Even though I wish he would come back, he isn't.

I've tried to make lists like this before, but I literally cannot think of bad things. The only negative I could think of is he left me. Thats it really.

I struggle between giving up completely and staying alone, reaching out to my ex again, "hitting the pavement/multi-dating", or just giving up emotionally and doing mindless hookups.

 

I was in therapy for a while but she didn't think my problem was serious and told me to move on and date other people (give someone a chance). I have done that in the past and it didn't work so I gave up on therapy, plus I think my problems aren't high in terms of priority to them. They just looked at me like I'm so whiny crazy woman. I gave it up.

[HiCrunchy]

Break-ups can be hard and it seems like this one is exceptionally changeling for you. How is your support system, do you have friends and family you can spend time with who can help to fill the void you are still feeling? I think the previous poster has a great point in making the list, especially when they talk about focusing on the things you want to accomplish. Chances are you are not going to be single forever and now you have an opportunity to really focus on you. Time will make this better, but in the mean time look to those around you for support. Have movie night with friends, hang out with your family, get involved with local organizations or your church. Do your best to focus on all the blessings you have and hopefully the memory will fade. Blessings to you....

 

I had many friends but now I am living at home and don't have friends to talk to all the time. Plus my mother can drive me insane and is taxing on my mental health but that is another story that isn't really relevant. I think they think I have "moved on" by now since most people have. I am trying to live life to the fullest but it hard because of circumstances.

[d0nnivain]

Tall, Asian & smart isn't that hard to come by in NYC. If you lived in the middle of no-where I'd suggest you move.

 

For now, what do you do with yourself when you are not working in your female dominated profession? Do you go to MeetUp groups? Can you figure out where the grad students from Columbia, NYU, all the law schools & all the med schools hang out. You have a better shot at finding smart among those populations, plus you are their age. Wander around Chinatown for heaven's sake if Asian men float your boat.

 

If you think OLD is your only option in the Greatest City in the World, that is more than half your problem -- you have a defeatist can't do attitude & you are holding yourself back.

 

I promise you there will be tons of guys who are available out tonight in every sports bar in the City for the Yankee game. Even guys that don't follow sports go out with the guys during the playoffs. You can't spit without hitting a cute guy this time of year. I'm not as picky as you but from the end of baseball season through the Super Bowl there are cute 20 somethings all over NY. Go find one.

[chaoticjoy3]

I had many friends but now I am living at home and don't have friends to talk to all the time. Plus my mother can drive me insane and is taxing on my mental health but that is another story that isn't really relevant. I think they think I have "moved on" by now since most people have. I am trying to live life to the fullest but it hard because of circumstances.

 

You may be different, this may take you longer, and that is okay. Just use the perspective of one day at a time. Focus on the good of the day, what you want to accomplish tomorrow. I know it's hard to, but try to establish a new network of friends. I have always been on the shy side so I know this can be difficult, but just connect with others one at a time. You will get there, I promise!

[Fishforbreakfast]

I was in a similiar situation to you so I can relate to exactly what you are saying. I like you removed all reminders and anything to do with him and got into clean living, yoga, mindfulness, therapy, sport, hanging out with friends, and pretty much anything I could find to stop the pain but 6 months later I was still crying every day about it and was positive I would never ever love again and no one will ever like me again that I also like in return. This sounds bad and I will prob cop a lot of flack but the one thing that did help me a lot was a met someone else and it fizzled out but it made me realise there are other great guys out there better then my ex. I also tried to think everything happens for a reason and I'm going through al this pain because it's make me a stronger person and it's a part of life, all of the ups and the downs, everyoje suffers sometimes it is a part of life so try to embrace the feelings and know they too shall pass eventually. You are probably learning a lot about yourself in this time, try and channel your sadness into something constructive or creative, usually it's your lowest point that ends up being a major turning point in your life. You will get over it!

[fieldoflavender]

I did that for a year for my first ex. Please do not fall into this trap.

 

There are many many other fish in the sea. I am much better after this break-up and it was WAY more disastrous.

 

You need to get rid of any reminders and memories.

 

Distant yourself, and immerse yourself into work, other single friends, and stay far far away from being third wheel and seeing "other couples".

 

I'm spending a lot of time with my single friends, and when I feel not as alone in this, it's not so bad.

 

He wasn't the only person left, and there are TONS of other people. Maybe not right this second, but don't get hung up on it. If that person was right for you, they wouldn't have left you.

 

Make that list of their bad attributes, and although painful, play those nasty moments and the break-up and it'll take them off their pedestal.

 

And lastly, remember love can not be one-sided. It only works if both people are in love. Otherwise, you are running a marathon by yourself while the other person has left the race and there is nothing at the finish line.

 

There are better races to join.