Johnnybgood89 Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 I been dating this amazing girl for over 7 months now she lives in Arizona and I live in Oklahoma. We recently had an argument because she said the next 3 months are going to be hard for her. Come to find out it's her deceased ex bfs birthday and the month he passed away in, but before this came up we had a great relationship she would tell me she loves me and that she wants to be with me, now she won't tell me she loves me I told her I love her and she said let's just take it slow I don't know what to do because I really do love her, but I don't know if I can go without telling her I love her and I'm scared to let her know because she'll probably get mad and just break up with me I need advice someone please help me I don't want to lose her Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 How old are you both, and how often do you see each other? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Johnnybgood89 Posted October 12, 2017 Author Share Posted October 12, 2017 I'm 27 she's 34 and we haven't met yet, but we planned on meeting this month until our argument now she doesn't want to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 The anniversary of somebody's passing can be particularly hard for some people. About 6 weeks after I started dating the man who is now my husband, my EX died. I was devastated, not because I wanted the guy back but because my heart broke for his family. Every year on the anniversary of his death I'm sad. My husband hugs me & we move on. Was your GF with this man when he died or had they broken up? Is this the 1st anniversary of his death? I fear that she went from the sadness surrounding him to this virtual LDR with you because it was safer -- you aren't "real". You are just some guy she talks to so it's easier to keep you at bay. You talk about loving each other but that is not real. You haven't met. You don't actually know each other. You know who you think the other one is & you may believe you love that construct but it's a far cry from a conventional relationship. So slow isn't a bad thing. Try giving her some space but also a safe place to talk about the EX. I literally fell in love with my husband when he picked me up off my living floor, pulled me into a hug & said that he understood why I was sad and that he had great big shoulders I was welcome to cry all over. Come November, get back on track with your 1st meet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Johnnybgood89 Posted October 12, 2017 Author Share Posted October 12, 2017 He's been gone for 13 years and they was together when he passed, they also have 3 kids together. So, you're saying the love we have for each other isn't real? Before all this she would text me all the time call me all the time now it's different. I feel like the love she has for me she put on hold for her deceased ex. Maybe I should give her space, but I worry and care about her so much. We've known each other a full year before we told each other how we feel about each other and she never did get like this when we was just friends. Maybe it's sympathy and I don't want to leave her, but it doesn't feel like sympathy I honestly never felt like this about any other female. There's just something about her that makes me attracted to her, but I'll give her space and try to set up that meet for a later day. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 Yes, I am saying that what you feel for each other is not real. It can't be real. You haven't met yet. This isn't some random casual EX. This is the father of her children. She's never going to not be sad about his death -- NEVER! Now she is facing the holidays without her beloved partner. Granted 13 years is a long time but she was 21 when he died. At that point she already had 3 kids! Clearly they started young & she probably wasn't mature enough to handle being a single parent or being essentially a widow. Heaven knows I would not have been. You came into her life in the Spring . . . a happy time with the pain of the holiday's behind her & the promise of warm sunshine & possibilities in front of her. Now the days are getting longer, it's the anniversary & his birthday. The pain & the loss hit her all over again. Understand this will be a recurring pattern but all you can do is accept it or move on. You can't change it. You can't love her through it, especially from a distance. She's not going to get over it. Maybe if you were there you could offer a hug & be a physical comfort. But right now she doesn't want that. She probably feels like she's cheating on him because odds are if he didn't die, they might still be together. This is a big mess & I highly doubt she will want anything to do with you until January. When I said November earlier I didn't realize that she already said a tough 3 months & I didn't know this was the father of her kids. IMO you do yourself a disservice if you stick around until January because despite the passage of time, this woman is not ready to date. She picked an LDR on the internet so she could have her ego stroked, feel needed & not have to deal with an actual man. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Johnnybgood89 Posted October 12, 2017 Author Share Posted October 12, 2017 She also has 3 more kids from a different guy she met after her ex bf passed. Maybe you're right I should just let her be and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 Do you really want to play step daddy to 6 children? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Johnnybgood89 Posted October 12, 2017 Author Share Posted October 12, 2017 3 of them she lost them and the one's from her deceased ex live with his brother. And if they did stay with her I wouldn't mind being a step dad. I really do have this feeling for her and I don't know if she would want to just be friends cause she tells me she loves me, but she is going through a tough time right now. But I'm gonna slowly start distancing myself from her and see how that goes because I don't think I can just stop talking to her just like that. She's always there when I need someone to talk too she keeps me happy. Link to post Share on other sites
LovelyRose Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 3 of them she lost them and the one's from her deceased ex live with his brother. And if they did stay with her I wouldn't mind being a step dad. I really do have this feeling for her and I don't know if she would want to just be friends cause she tells me she loves me, but she is going through a tough time right now. But I'm gonna slowly start distancing myself from her and see how that goes because I don't think I can just stop talking to her just like that. She's always there when I need someone to talk too she keeps me happy. Lost them as in lost custody or they're gone, passed away? Why aren't the other 3 kids staying with her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Johnnybgood89 Posted October 13, 2017 Author Share Posted October 13, 2017 The ones from her deceased ex she didn't have nowhere to stay so his brother said he would take his niece and nephews in while she found a place and got herself together. The ones from her ex she lost custody of them. I honestly care for her and love her, but some think I just feel sorry for her because of what she went through. I do want to meet her and be with her, but I don't know if I'm up to her putting her love for me on hold for her deceased ex every year I know it must be really hard for her. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 The more you post about her, the less likely it seems that she would be a good prospect. She has an awful lot of personal stuff to address before she can ever be ready to date. When you date somebody it should not be a fixer-upper situation. The best thing you can do for yourself is date a woman more local who is whole & healthy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Johnnybgood89 Posted October 13, 2017 Author Share Posted October 13, 2017 How do I just stop talking her? Everyday I wake up first thing I do is text her or call her or sometimes we fall asleep on the phone the night before. I do want to move on, but it just seems so hard cause this whole year all I known to do was talk to her everyday. She does say she wants to be with me and only me, but at the same time it could be she's just used to talking to me everyday also, but I do have feelings for her. When we first started talking I told her I was just looking to make friends and nothing more and she agreed on that, but the more we kept talking the more we started getting feelings for each other. I did try to stop, but she kept telling me open my heart to her and let her in and when I finally did that's when we started this relationship and now she wants to take it slow after I let her in my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 (edited) Johnny: I have been in your shoes and this woman will never meet you. When people get in those online romances it's to compensate for something lacking in their life. It's often people in transitions, out of break-ups, disappointments of all kind like lost of job, etc. Suddenly they come across someone online and that person becomes a beautiful fantasy. Everything you don't know about this woman your brain has compensated by creating the most beautiful details. Of course she is amazing, she is the fruit of your imagination. What is going on here is this woman never had the intention of meeting you. She got into this because it felt good and it distracted her from her real life problems and problems she's got !! Now she sees herself having to meet you soon so she's coming up with the story of her ex dying to delay meeting you. Next time it will be another excuse and another and another. The man I was suppose to meet cancelled 5 TIMES over a year. Finally when I wouldn't believe his stories anymore he blew up over something trivial and ended our online relationship. Because these relationships are the creation of our brains they are very hard to get over, I can attest it's harder to get over an online romance than over a real-life romance. It's like getting over an addiction. I cried for WEEKS. It took me a lot of strength to fight it back and to not go back. You need to do it one day at a time. I used to tell myself 'do it one day at a time', 'lets just go through today', then before going to bed I would make a big X on my calendar to show I was able to go through another day without contacting him. I had read it takes about 3 weeks for our brain to build new pathways and to stop the 'missing' phase. It's true. It was not as hard after 3 weeks. It's how you do it. You get busy, you do things you enjoy, you keep her out of your mind, you delete everything and you move on. Time will fix it all for you. Edited October 13, 2017 by Gaeta 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Johnnybgood89 Posted October 13, 2017 Author Share Posted October 13, 2017 I just take it one day at a time, but when if she keeps trying to contact me? And she has threatened to go away a couple times once when we was just friends and I told her go ahead, but she stayed and then she tried again when we got together she did again, but this time I begged her not too and she kept saying why or you don't care about me. I will try to take it one day at a time, I really do want someone I can love and hold. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 3 of them she lost them and the one's from her deceased ex live with his brother. And if they did stay with her I wouldn't mind being a step dad. I really do have this feeling for her and I don't know if she would want to just be friends cause she tells me she loves me, but she is going through a tough time right now. But I'm gonna slowly start distancing myself from her and see how that goes because I don't think I can just stop talking to her just like that. She's always there when I need someone to talk too she keeps me happy. Two things: This woman had 6 children and managed to lose/abandon ALL OF THEM. I don't know what she told you and it's not necessary to know because to lose 6 children you have to be a hard drug addict or a severe alcoholic, you have to have put your children's life at risk. It takes A LOT for a judge to take away children from a mother. So no matter her story she lied. She does not keep you happy. She is keeping you from living your life. She has become your crutch to lean on because she is easy. She is much easy to reach than for you to make real friends and make a real girlfriend and maintain REAL relationships. Real relationships are hard work! a woman online who you only need to text is easy! While your brain is paralyzed in this fake-romance you are losing precious time to live in the real world. YES you can do without her. Cut her off, you won't die! It will be hard but it will give you your life back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 I just take it one day at a time, but when if she keeps trying to contact me? And she has threatened to go away a couple times once when we was just friends and I told her go ahead, but she stayed and then she tried again when we got together she did again, but this time I begged her not too and she kept saying why or you don't care about me. I will try to take it one day at a time, I really do want someone I can love and hold. Is this a serious question?? You block her everywhere!! You send her a message to warn her it's over. Tell her you thought long and hard and you do not wish to continue this. Tell her good luck and good bye, then block her everywhere!! As long as you keep this woman in your life you won't meet someone to love and hold. It's time wasted you could be spending with someone REAL, someone you can touch, cuddle with, sleep with. Now that I am in a relationship with a real man, someone living just 20 minutes away, I would never go back to that online man, never in a million years. Now that I am out of the online romance I see clearly all of his lies and all of the red flags I ignored. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 I really do want someone I can love and hold. We all want that. But she hasn't been that for you. She's a distance voice or a text. You aren't holding her. You haven't met her. Right now you even have an easy out. She TOLD you to stay away for the next 3 months. Give her what she said she wanted. What are you doing to find somebody locally, who is real, who you can see, hold & kiss? Once you have that person, like Gaeta said you won't miss her at all because a real relationship with a local woman will be so much better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 I understand you are lonely, have been lonely, so desperately in need for someone to care for you and love you, but the fact of the matter is, she is using that for her own emotional needs. She is taking advantage of your vulnerability. It's a tough thing to hear what the others are saying because you are delusional, desperate and willing to believe you have something with her. It's killing you, because she uses it as a carrot to keep you chasing after something you so desperately want. Not what you came here for, but it's the truth. To let go is going to make you sick and depressed, but that is just you coming down from your obsession. Life will not be over, nor will you never have a chance to meet someone new. She is a sick person. A mother that can't keep her kids, says a lot of who she is and her emotional state. You know it, but your own desire is clouding your better judgement. Just because she gives you attention doesn't mean is a good thing. You are wasting your energy on someone you can't even be with that has questionable motives, and values. Why not use this time apart to settle your emotions down, and seek out real company locally...someone you can physically hold hands with, kiss and love? You can find such a person, just right outside your door if you let them. If you had a friend that was in the same position, what would you tell them? Be someones shlep and wait for probably nothing? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Johnnybgood89 Posted October 13, 2017 Author Share Posted October 13, 2017 I have blocked her once, but she had one her friends text me and she also made another account to contact me. And like right now she is texting and calling. I know y'all are right, but I feel like I put so much time into this online relationship that I want it to be real and work. She does see the kids that belong to her deceased ex, but the others she can't see them. I just have so much going through my mind about this relationship one second it's telling me to leave she's using you and the next it's telling me to stay because she wants you, needs you and loves you. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 I have blocked her once, but she had one her friends text me and she also made another account to contact me. And like right now she is texting and calling. I know y'all are right, but I feel like I put so much time into this online relationship that I want it to be real and work. Time is relative. A year in a life time is a drop in the ocean. Not wanting to end a bad situation because we've invested time in that same bad situation is not a logic explanation. Every day people end relationships that are much longer than this and they move on and are just fine. She does see the kids that belong to her deceased ex, but the others she can't see them. I bet this woman has a criminal record and has done pretty bad things to her children to not be allowed to see them. What ever the story she told you she is lying. And what ever caused her to lose her children is still going on!! If she lost them because of drugs or alcohol or abuse, she is STILL doing those things otherwise she'd be allowed to rebuild a connection with her children. I just have so much going through my mind about this relationship one second it's telling me to leave she's using you and the next it's telling me to stay because she wants you, needs you and loves you. The love of such a woman isn't worth it. I know you are a man in love but somewhere in you there is a human being, and a human being that should refuse to associate with a woman that has done so many bad things to her children that she lost all of them. This woman is a wreck and a disgrace. Have you sent her money? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Johnnybgood89 Posted October 13, 2017 Author Share Posted October 13, 2017 No I haven't sent her no money she said she doesn't want nothing from me, except for my love. She has admitted to doing drugs, but she said she quit now and she would try to get her kids back, but she said it's hard to get them back in Arizona. The more I think about it the more I just want to move on with my life and find someone locally who doesn't want to be by my side and not miles away from me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Johnnybgood89 Posted October 13, 2017 Author Share Posted October 13, 2017 And another reason I find it hard to stop talking to her is because she was here for me when I needed someone to talk to when my grandma spent 3 months in the hospital. She was telling me how everything was gonna be just fine and that she's here if I ever need someone to talk too. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 She may have good intentions, but the odds of having a happy and bright future with someone like this are slim to none. She lost 6 kids!!!! That's a big deal. Its a huge deal, and I am positive that there are many things about her that she has not told you. Like others have said, online relationships are build out of fantasy, you need to cut your ties, move on, and build one in real life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 And another reason I find it hard to stop talking to her is because she was here for me when I needed someone to talk to when my grandma spent 3 months in the hospital. She was telling me how everything was gonna be just fine and that she's here if I ever need someone to talk too. Like we said earlier. Most people have a good part somewhere in their heart that makes them extend a hand to a friend or a lover sometimes it doesn't take away the lies, the disfunctions, the addictions, the criminal records, the misleading, the abuse and all that stuff. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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