There is something wrong with me

[Coffeeguy]

Hello. I don't know where to go with this so I'm here. This will be a long post.

 

I'm in my early 40's and divorced about 5 years ago after a 11 year marriage. As a pretense, I get along great with my ex-wife and our 9 year old is awesome. This isn't about her but she is mentioned.

 

I'm what you might consider the artistic/intense compassionate type. As in I'll never ask you to marry me on the first date but I have no problem with commitment and being open about anything. I'm not very strong-willed as you will see in this story. I never believe people wake up with bad intentions and everyone has feelings and I never ignore anyone, even if I'm upset with them. I like working things out.

 

Two years ago I met someone (34 years of age) and we were immediately attracted to each other. This was after two weeks of texting first because we actually "met" online. Either way, we totally hit it off first date. Fireworks. Now this is where you (the reader) remember I am not a strong person. This list will make you question why I never walked but my answer will be "Yeah that was bad, but I know she means well. It's just a matter of working through it." There is something wrong with me and I feel absolutely ashamed about it.

 

- Day one after we met in person, she wanted us to change our FB status to relationship. Of course I did. I'm not blowing this! (You are already shaking your head. I know.)

 

- Day three when she was away with friends, she texted me "I love you" when she was tipsy. I almost walked here but she was drunk and (enter my answer I put in quotes above).

 

- By the third week, I am getting pictured of rings and dresses sent to me. Hey, we are in love after all! I mean I wasn't actually going to do it but she loves me, right? I can't be mean about it. So I say that's pretty to this and that. I guess you can say she was intense but (Insert the rest.)

 

- My son lives 500 miles away with mom. I get him all summer. I would drive there and back with him. It's 8 hours each way. When bringing him home, she was texting me about how much she hated her mother. She was miserable. When I finally got to where he lives, I had 5 minutes to hang with him before mom got him. I messaged her that I couldn't talk right now. She immediately blocked me. I get a text at the hotel from her mother. She is starting an argument about how miserable her daughter is and claiming I make her miserable and she's ready to hurt herself. Here I am defending her daughter. This went on for hours but I decided to drink that night so I forget the details (I rarely drink so 4 beers will blow me away). Two days later she tells me it wasn't her mother texting me, it was her.

 

- She would often send passive aggressive texts such as "I have nobody" or "You should learn when someone needs you". Just anything to start a confrontation. When I would begin to question what it is I did or what I can do to make her feel better she would not answer. If i got upset over it, she would block me, not answer the phone and make me guess. I never had the chance to explain anything.

 

- She hated the fact I got along with my ex-wife. Claimed I was still in love with her. (Ha! If I even asked my ex-wife back out she would tell me to stick it and vice versa). She told my ex-wife in a message "stay away from him". That's not hard, she lives 500 miles away. And she remarried.

 

- I could never get a phone conversation. Everything was text. If I wrote a lengthy email about how I was feeling, what she was doing that hurt or anything, it would be ignored. If I did more than one, she would claim I'm being to aggressive. If I tried texting what I wanted to say, she would block me.

 

- Whenever she saw me (now we are about a year in) she would give me the cold shoulder the day after and at some point during that week, start a fight. The thing is, our dates were actually fine.

 

- After the first year, I was emotionally trapped. I didn't know how to feel about anything without those feelings changing. I would love her, then hate her then love her again. There were times she would dump me, only to text me again three days later. I was petrified of us and petrified of being alone.

 

- One time during a break up, I got a picture of a ring and a guy with her saying "This should have been you."

 

- The gaps became longer but we always managed to see each other at one point. She lives two miles away. It was in April of this year that we were in my car, parked. She became frustrated with me over saying she needs to get a sense of humor. Told me to bring her home. When I asked her if she would get this mad at her ex and yell at him too she immediately punched me in the head five times and left a mark on my forhead. The next day she said she loved me.

 

I forget what happened after that. We didn't talk really. I was always thinking of her though. She was the only person I really knew since I moved into the new apartment two years ago. We met out front of my place (I'm above a coffee shop) so I was always reminded of her. For about 4 months there was no contact, although I did send an apology letter for all the mean things I said when we fought. It was sincere. I always felt as if maybe if I did things different, things would have been better. Maybe I should have been more understanding of her needs. I didn't hate her. I always thought she was a good person but she supposedly had a history of being abused. I had to remember that. How is that her fault? And she hated the fact she was overweight. I didn't care. I thought she was gorgeous.

 

I get a response to that message I sent during the summer two weeks ago saying "I don't hate you, relax". I was excited. I couldn't believe it. She had surgery to lose weight and was now a nurse. She looked great. Now was the time to be the guy! So we saw each other Saturday and took a walk. That night I realized that I still loved her, even after all the crazy things that she did. I texted her and told her "I still have some love for you. I'm still here. I'm the real deal and we are going to be fine :)"

 

Her response that morning was "I'm going to breakfast. You're too intense." When I attempted to explain that I was in the moment and not to worry about it I got "You have to respect my walls." All I was thinking about was But you know me. We didn't just meet yesterday! I then began to feel stupid. I blew it. I had the chance and I blew it. I was struck with so much joy the day before I just didn't know how to go about it. I had to act on it. It's how I was feeling. What's so bad about being sweet? I always did the best I could to be nice to her.

 

Needless to say when I tried explaining myself this time by sending a couple of emails (not one mean thing said), she responds with "This is harassment. If you keep doing this, I'll file charges."

 

I walked into work (I was opening shop so it was just me) on Monday morning with my eyes as wet as the rain outside. I was a mess. My heart was broken again. That same awful feeling I had whenever she would dump me before I could say anything. All I did was love her. I accepted her for all her problems and all the things she did. I never gave up. I was even checking my phone during that summer every day for an email just saying hi. I think of her when I'm driving past the places we've been to on the way to work. Sometimes I stop and cry. I have to. I don't want to but I don't need an accident!

 

Before I met her, I was OK. Now I'm lonely. She's all I had here. She was everything. Even as I type this I can feel the rush to my head that causes the frown to begin and the eyes to water. I'm not normal. If I was, I would have walked away on week one. But I always thought love was being there when someone is in bad place. Until she got her surgery, she was and I was there. I was always a text away, even after the lies. Love is not ignoring and blocking and taking your frustrations out on the person you have it for, so why would I do that? But did she love me back? Or was it all a mirage? She never really knew me. If she did, she would have understood that.

 

See, I told you that there is something wrong with me.

Edited October 13, 2017 by Coffeeguy

[Highndry]

I'm not a doctor but she sounds mentally ill, and it sounds like perhaps your self esteem is a bit low and you're not able to see that you could, clearly, find somebody much better. I would run as fast as I could from this woman and never look back.

[d0nnivain]

There is nothing wrong with you. You simply have a big heart, chose to see the best in people & kinda suck at maintaining appropriate boundaries to protect yourself.

 

You didn't do anything wrong. You did give a mentally unstable woman too many second chances because even though in your head you knew something was off, you let your big sweet heart control your decisions.

 

Do what you need to do to heal from this woman. Going forward make sure your head & your heart are on the same page when in a relationship. It will save you from a great deal of heartache.

[Coffeeguy]

Well, I read the NC thread and that's great advice there too. Time to follow the rules of NO contact!

[dumbass2]

Being too tolerant and too sweet is not the way to love someone. You have to learn to love yourself as well. A lot of women do not want too sweet a guy or a guy that can't say no. Loving someone is also about having boundaries and there being consequences when someone passes them. Try reading the book " no more Mr. Nice guy". You'll find that it is okay to have boundaries and to say no to someone you love.

[Coffeeguy]

Being too tolerant and too sweet is not the way to love someone. You have to learn to love yourself as well. A lot of women do not want too sweet a guy or a guy that can't say no. Loving someone is also about having boundaries and there being consequences when someone passes them. Try reading the book " no more Mr. Nice guy". You'll find that it is okay to have boundaries and to say no to someone you love.

 

I will do that. Thank you for the suggestion.

[spiderowl]

You did put up with too much from this volatile woman. I think it might help you to read up about push/pull relationships. These kinds of relationships can be addictive because you go from great highs to great lows. There is always the desire to have the highs again and so you are drawn back in again only to be kicked back. These kinds of relationships can be torture and they tend to leave you dangling in misery or they end dramatically and painfully. You don't need this kind of pain.

 

Maybe it would help for you to develop ways to connect with women on a friends level, just to develop skills to build warm relationships. You felt you had no-one, so developing a social circle would be a start. I know it might not seem easy. There are lots of tips online for building bridges with people. It can start with a shy smile, then next time you see them, saying hello. Asking a question like where is the nearest bookshop or something that women would be glad to help with, or showing an interest in the other person without expecting anything in return. Most people will respond positively to little gestures. If you feel you do not have a social circle, then you would be more vulnerable to accepting the wrong kinds of women into your life. A social circle is a kind of protection against this.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You've confused emotional angst with emotional connection. They are not the same thing. (I'm not criticizing you because this is something I've had to overcome as well). I agree that you need to go 100% no contact. There is no drama-free future with a woman like this.

[Lostweekend]

This sounds like a very disturbed woman and it reminds me of the type of relationship a friend of mine was in. I’m no psychiatrist but I would stay well clear of this person as nothing good will come out of this. Her type always come on strong very early in the relationship. You will be put on a pedestal and worshipped just for long enough and then it starts. You will be torn down from the pedestal! The longer you let it continue the more messed up and confused you will get. Trust me, you will have many questions that will remain unanswered, and there is no point in going after her for answers. This woman will probably make you look like a loser in public, just to get a reaction from you. She will do things to provoke a reaction from you and will then manipulate the situation to make it look like you are the one that’s messed up and disturbed.

 

Reading your post sent chills down my spine as there are so many similarities in my friend and your situation. Unfortunately my friend did not get out in time, and has been through two rounds of court cases with the piece of sh.. she was with. Most manipulative type of person you could come across.

 

Good luck and I hope you go totally NC and avoid at all costs!!

[Been]

Man come on your OK their isn't anything wrong with you.

A couple of things I'll point out to you.

 

1. Sometimes we get so excited to meet someone that in the rush of the excitement we overlook so many things that normally we wouldn't tolerate.

2.People that rush a relationship like her are not the most stable of people. By moving quickly they are attempting to cover up things about themselves.

3.Hitting someone physically should be automatic she's gone. What if your son would have been in the car? And besides their is never an excuse for physical violence in any relationship.

4. Her mom calling you that early in thee relationship is just weird.

 

5. Marriage shouldn't even be brought up until the first year at the least.

 

You HAVE to have boundaries that are set. And if someone crosses them you can either TELL them not to do it again or else leave.

When you don't set boundaries people will and do walk all over you. And by then it's too late.

[Hoosfoos]

You have codependent tendencies and she has full blown Borderline Personality Disorder. She has cut a wide swath previous to you and she will continue to be a serial man abuser. Run, don't walk away, and don't look back.

[coolheadal]

Too much mean women out there. You got off lucky.. I had one that tried to jump out the car at 80 mph and hold up a hotel white towel out the window screaming for H E L P Kept on hitting me with a bottle to my right forearm. She was in a rage of hate and swearing like a truck driver. I never got home that night cost me $179 for taxi. Her car ran out of gas. She had left me stranded at the gas station. She told everyone I was at fault people come up to her and said lady you should take him home. She was nutty as fruit cake. After that she contacts me not to say sorry but to go out again. LOL Never had such an experience with such a nut case. I don't really like to give advise to these mean negative women who don't care about you. They can't love you or even tell you that to your face. They like to boss you around tell you, that you are the worst guy they ever been with. Try to be little you so they can feel good inside. They will never be happy and you will got mentally insane if you don't get away from them. Some might never let you go either. You can text them bomb text and you can say the worst to them. They love the fact you did that to them. Like a rush to them to their ego!

[Trust666]

RUN AWAY!

 

There is nothing wrong with you, I recently ignored a gazillion red flags myself because I knew the woman for 24 years and we dated before.

 

Day 1 - told me she always loved me, had sex within 15 minutes of reuniting and lots of it

Day 2 - finally going to live together

Next weekend - bought stuff for my place to make herself feel at home

6 months - left suddenly for another ex from 30 years ago lol

 

We mess up sometimes. We're human, nothing wrong with you, we live we learn.

[Coffeeguy]

I'm guessing this is part of the healing process but now I'm starting to hate her. I would never act on it and I'm in NC but all those nice thoughts I had have vanished and now when I think of her (like I have been every single day) I feel repulsive and foolish as if I was just some boy toy or a dog to pet once and a while. I no longer wish her the best. In a sick way, I hope she ends up with the wrong guy who makes her life miserable. I hope she fails at being a nurse. I hope her revolving door of friends keeps turning. I despise her. I want to move out of town because of her. I never want to see her or hear her voice again.

[Trust666]

I'm guessing this is part of the healing process but now I'm starting to hate her. I would never act on it and I'm in NC but all those nice thoughts I had have vanished and now when I think of her (like I have been every single day) I feel repulsive and foolish as if I was just some boy toy or a dog to pet once and a while. I no longer wish her the best. In a sick way, I hope she ends up with the wrong guy who makes her life miserable. I hope she fails at being a nurse. I hope her revolving door of friends keeps turning. I despise her. I want to move out of town because of her. I never want to see her or hear her voice again.

 

I think it can be part of the healing process in certain scenarios.

 

I don't hate anyone, it's something I said my whole life and even said to my now ex girlfriend. Well right now I hate her guts, deception, dishonesty and the amount of love I felt for her was something that flipped to hate.

 

I think it's coping mechanism and can work short term but I think eventually it has to become indifference. This is my first time hating someone I dated.

 

I've also found myself wishing her bad, nothing like I hope she gets cancer. More along the lines of, I hope she gets treated the way she treated me, or that she ends up hating her new job and regressive boyfriend.

 

Hate can control you more than them so hopefully, it's just a phase. This woman went from my favorite person ever to pure vitriol. I never told her I hate her, but I really do. Every time she tried to contact me I was clear to her that I did not ever want to hear from her again....ever.

[preraph]

This was two lonely people who nonetheless were not right for each other. And frankly, she is really getting carried away far too early and isn't in a good mental state to be dating until she solves whatever problem made her that way. She's demanding and needy and doesn't even know you well enough to be latching onto you. So you need to just realize she's not the right one and find someone else. She's a mess.