Bigboss2903 Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 (edited) Hi there, new to the site so hi again:), my reason for being here is more or less the same as everyone else. In may 2017, my wife left me 3 days before our 3rd year wedding anniversary ( we had alot of arguments and i could tell she was looking off for weeks) Now i was the cause of the arguments which caused her to become unhappy and to loose the love she once had for me and as a result she was comforted by a co worker which led to an intimate relationship if I can put it that way.... she even told me she had feelings for him yeah right ha ha ha Fast forward a few months head I'm finally climbing out the pit of depression, letting go of the jealousy and anger that i held inside me and I'm just improving myself for the sake of myself and my daughter (3 year old), I'm staying alone which was hell in the beginning but now i see a sanctuary when ever I come home from work etc and i get to see my daughter every weekend What I can tell my brothers in the struggle dont give up on yourself, its tough in the beginning but with the help of friends and family, you can make it.... As of today 13 Oct 2017, we not divorcing as she is going through phases and im just living my life lol its funny because a few months back the roles were reversed:laugh: but if we do divorce she can go ahead with the paperwork.... Edited October 13, 2017 by Bigboss2903 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 Sorry that you are here... What you may or may not realize it that SOME of the reasons for the arguments may have been that she was already having an affair. I don't know if you have thought about it like that but you may want to think that over. The thing is, at some point, you have to be able to move on with a divorce, especially if you get serious about someone else. Also, you may think that you are over he anger and other emotions that come with being a betrayed husband, but honestly, you are probably not. It takes way more than 6 months to get over that stuff, even if you are feeling better right now. But why not file if she is still sleeping with her Other Man? Would you ever take her back after what she has done? That is something that you may want to think about. Good Luck... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 bigboss, you vented now what do you want to do? Divorce or recover your marriage? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigboss2903 Posted October 13, 2017 Author Share Posted October 13, 2017 Thanks guys, well at the moment I would to recover my marriage but she doesn't want to... so instead of crying, begging and pleading I'm doing the no contact rule not to win her back but to sort myself out physically, mentally and emotionally so when the day comes when we part ways ill be strong...... I appreciate the response guys 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigboss2903 Posted October 13, 2017 Author Share Posted October 13, 2017 Thanks guys, I would to recover my marriage but she doesn't want to... so instead of crying, begging and pleading I'm doing the no contact rule not to win her back but to sort myself out physically, mentally and emotionally so when the day comes when we part ways ill be strong...... I appreciate the response guys Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 Hi Bigboss, I guess we are all sorry to see you here. Your last post makes me wonder why you are even thinking of reconciling. You want to reconcile but she does not want to. She is the one who walked away and cheated. I think the others would agree with me that you are wasting your time. If she does decide to come back to you it will be the typical Plan B version of reconciling. Is she still with the OM? If she is then that fact alone obviates any attempt at reconciliation. She would have to come to you begging and full of true remorse, ready to do anything to save the marriage howsoever hard that task may be. Anything less indicates she is just putting up appearances and her heart is not in the reconciliation. As a point of interest I would like to ask if I may, what was the argument all about? How long was it ongoing? How serious a matter was it? A marriage which is breaking up at the three year mark indicates deeper issues. This is the honeymoon period when the two of you should have been the closest ever. How long did you guys date? How old are you two? Was your wife ever in a serious long term relationship before she met you? Was this applicable to you? It is good that you are doing the 180. It will help you detach from her. It will also help you get a perspective observer like, as to what was at the root of the problem. For example, whether your wife had a psychiatric disorder or a character flaw. It will also help you identify your own flaws if any, which may have lead to the breakup. I wish you well and keep looking after yourself. Warm wishes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigboss2903 Posted February 13, 2018 Author Share Posted February 13, 2018 Hi ladies and gentlemen, sorry for the late response, she has filed for divorce which is due in 2 weeks time. She is still with the guy, they even friends on facebook! finally saw who he is and its a 41 year fat guy she works with! I really thought this guy was a male model or something, however not going to bad mouth him as she sees something inside of him that I dont have. Our house will be sold as i realized that i need to move on as well, our house is preventing me from doing that due all the memories currently keeping me company for months on end so we decided to cut our losses... Its a shame, she even blamed me for her affair, really hope this guy was worth everything we accomplished :-( Link to post Share on other sites
StoicHusband Posted February 16, 2018 Share Posted February 16, 2018 Hi ladies and gentlemen, sorry for the late response, she has filed for divorce which is due in 2 weeks time. I doubt there is a single place in the world where you don't have a say in the divorce. Don't let her make you feel like she has you under her thumb. Look up whether or not you live in a "fault state" for divorce. That makes a huge difference in where you stand. Infidelity IS a fault. You can wind up with more of your assets because of her affair. She is still with the guy, they even friends on facebook! finally saw who he is and its a 41 year fat guy she works with! I really thought this guy was a male model or something, however not going to bad mouth him as she sees something inside of him that I dont have. That shouldn't surprise you. 6 months is a short amount of time. If you've made her feel like you still want her back that will keep the "newness" in the relationship. New relationships are exciting, no doubt about it. Don't compare... whatever you do. You're twice the man he is because you were faithful and you love her unconditionally. Would he have loved her if she never chose him over you? No. (That's a "condition" for his love). This is HER LOSS, not yours. You lost someone who was willing to plan an exit and cheat and lie and hurt you etc etc. She lost someone who loved her unconditionally. End of discussion. Our house will be sold as i realized that i need to move on as well, our house is preventing me from doing that due all the memories currently keeping me company for months on end so we decided to cut our losses... Good, sell the house if that suits you. Otherwise, rearrange the furniture, repaint the walls, take down the photos... Do what you have to do to make it your own. It is YOUR home as much as it is hers. She left, not you. You can get that house in the settlement, easily. Its a shame, she even blamed me for her affair, really hope this guy was worth everything we accomplished :-( OF COURSE she blamed you. That standard cheater bull****. It's the script that they all regurgitate. I know it's hard to understand, but in the end this will not serve her interests, she will lose him the same way you lost her. It's just the way it all works. You need to give up on closure. It's a mirage. It won't EVER come. I hate so bad that this is happening to you, but in the end the only person who can make you happy is yourself. Focus on what you CAN control, not what you CAN'T control. It's the only way to maintain your sanity. Something about you brought her into your arms. Something about you attracted her and that something can attract someone who has never hurt you. You will be whole again someday even if you decide you never want to put yourself out there to feel this pain again. You will be ok and you need to accept that from the jump. DO: -Write a journal (I use a text document, I just write all the things I wish I could communicate to her, even though I know it would never come across the right way even if I did.) -Reach out to your friends and family -Exercise (DO THIS) -Get more involved at church (if you're not in one, find one that works for you) -Find a new hobby (read, bike, hike, paint model cars or whatever works for you) -Stay clear of other women (don't allow yourself to shift the feelings you have for her onto a new one) -Stay clear of substances (allow yourself to feel what you're gonna feel, don't get drunk or high to block it out, it'll just show up later) -Work harder -Forgive her, not for her, but for YOU... this is something you WORK for, not WAIT for -Get as much time with that kiddo as you possibly can -Lose weight (or gain weight if you're already healthy) -Get a new haircut, new jeans, new shoes (whatever makes you feel more attractive) Above all: KEEP POSTING HERE. The good, the bad, the ugly. It is all a chance for you to release these thoughts that are hurting you in a healthy way. DON'T: -Stalk her facebook -Call or text her -Pressure her at all -Be pathetic -Beg -Talk to her friends/family If you follow these guidelines I can guarantee they will help, and yes, even maximize your chances of getting back with her. If that chance ever comes. DO NOT jump on it... take the tact of "hey anything's possible... let's give it a try if you want." Then continue to do the things that made you feel better in the first place. I'm two months in, and I can honestly say my friends are SHOCKED at how quickly I have gotten myself together. It's all thanks to doing these few simple things, and not doing the things that hurt me. YOU DID NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN A CHEATER. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. You may not be perfect, but NOTHING makes this OK for her to do. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigboss2903 Posted February 16, 2018 Author Share Posted February 16, 2018 (edited) Thanks man really appreciate it, I'm slowly but surely moving away from this mess, i started to gym again, focus on work, spend time with my daughter, work on my car, etc the pain is still there but each day i feel stronger..... i doing the no contact because i dont want that drug in my life right now...... she called 3 times this morning then sent me a message, it is to do with my daughter (its not a life threatening situation, just something she needs) but i didn't respond as I'm too busy at work....... Edited February 16, 2018 by Bigboss2903 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigboss2903 Posted February 19, 2018 Author Share Posted February 19, 2018 (edited) just an update, soon to be ex wife all of sudden wants the house, after 9 months of separation which she didn't even bother (only came over 4 times in the 9 months) to ask about the house and all of a sudden its investment to her! Yeah Right told her the house will be sold regardless, she made her decision for this so she must live with it... I'm finally climbing out of this mess...... Also she was angry because i didn't answer my phone when she called, i just walked out because she is unreasonable and taking her anger out on me, I dont have time for this really.... another red flag is that the bond is the same as her salary so she wont be able to afford it in any case unless some1 moves in with her.... Edited February 19, 2018 by Bigboss2903 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 just an update, soon to be ex wife all of sudden wants the house, after 9 months of separation which she didn't even bother (only came over 4 times in the 9 months) to ask about the house and all of a sudden its investment to her! Yeah Right told her the house will be sold regardless, she made her decision for this so she must live with it... I'm finally climbing out of this mess...... Also she was angry because i didn't answer my phone when she called, i just walked out because she is unreasonable and taking her anger out on me, I dont have time for this really.... another red flag is that the bond is the same as her salary so she wont be able to afford it in any case unless some1 moves in with her.... She may very well be planning on moving someone in with her, if there's equity/profit to be made on the home. You should be looking at all angles here as well. What's the comps,what's owed,is there equity,ect..Marriage is over. It's a numbers game now. oh..and piss on her calls! Have her talk to your attorney. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigboss2903 Posted February 19, 2018 Author Share Posted February 19, 2018 in order for her to get the house she needs my permission and consent, I told her no, I have agreed to the terms, she sounds desperate to be honest, actually felt sorry for her.. Time for no contact once again and live my life with my daughter 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 felt sorry for her F that! She chose this! Let your attorney feel sorry for her. Bet they won't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigboss2903 Posted February 19, 2018 Author Share Posted February 19, 2018 ha ha ha ha Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 in order for her to get the house she needs my permission and consent, I told her no, I have agreed to the terms, she sounds desperate to be honest, actually felt sorry for her.. Time for no contact once again and live my life with my daughter Yeah, you have to get over that. I felt sorry for my ExW, for about a minute. When it was coming down to the wire, and after all of her silly demand for settlement, she took exactly what I had offered. Has your wife still not admitted her affair? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigboss2903 Posted February 20, 2018 Author Share Posted February 20, 2018 Hi there, she admitted in june last year there was another guy after that she just kept lying about him which im sure is somewhere in the background... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigboss2903 Posted February 21, 2018 Author Share Posted February 21, 2018 (edited) Just an update soon to be ex wife asked me if i changed my mind about giving her the house, i said no i haven't, i gave her an ultimatum which she declined of course (wasn't surprised) and then i told then please go ahead with the divorce to which she argued that i dont care where she and my daughter is going to stay etc, its like she just wants to attack me for everything that happened! man whats up with this woman, my morning started so good then she spoils it lol, doing no contact is definitely helping me (Think its annoying her, deleted her number and blocked from IM and FB so i dont feel controlled) since I'm not really caring so much..... Edited February 21, 2018 by Bigboss2903 Link to post Share on other sites
BarbedFenceRider Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 Talk about cake eating! You get your daughter only on weekends. And she wants a house free and clear? Ummm, no. Have her 40 year old fat guy get a house....After all, in 6 mos. time he should be planning for their future. Not holding you to provide for them.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigboss2903 Posted February 21, 2018 Author Share Posted February 21, 2018 crazy stuff man, im actually chatting to a 21 year old that wants to go out for drinks lol im sooo taking her out next weekend ( will ask my parents if they can look after my daughter so long)..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigboss2903 Posted February 23, 2018 Author Share Posted February 23, 2018 Divorce has been finalized today ladies and gentlemen, time to rebuild a shattered heart... thanks for all the advice and help! really appreciate it 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BarbedFenceRider Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Take time and do not go head over heels with other girls right now. Make sure you give time for some "self-love". No need for rebounds or mirrored empathy. Be true to yourself, that way, you will find someone truly worthy of your whole self. Best of luck. Congrats on your divorce! Now build a better you, for you! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 BB2903 It has been 35 years since my divorce. My sex life took off after the break up. A few years back I Googled her name and found some photos. The intervening years have not been kind to her. She is now pushing the double century mark in the weight department. Think Harry Potter's fat aunt that he turns into a balloon While the past 20 years I have shared my life with a grandma of a now 20 year old, who still have a flat stomach and an hour glass figure, and skaters legs. And she is the most loving, sweetest, kindest most giving woman I have ever met. And in the looks department, my first thought the night I met her was there is a face I could kiss good morning to for the rest of my life. Divorce is the best thing that ever happened to me. Give it a few years and after your sex life picks up once again, you will be singing a similar tune 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 Divorce has been finalized today ladies and gentlemen, time to rebuild a shattered heart... thanks for all the advice and help! really appreciate it Congrats!! What ended up happening with the home?...oops..forgot about the kid 'thing'( I have one of 'those' too)? LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigboss2903 Posted February 26, 2018 Author Share Posted February 26, 2018 Hey guys thanks for the response, the house is to be sold as per the courts order as soon as possible and we have joint custody of my daughter. Still feel some heartache with regards to the betrayel but its not so bad lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted February 26, 2018 Share Posted February 26, 2018 Hey guys thanks for the response, the house is to be sold as per the courts order as soon as possible and we have joint custody of my daughter. Still feel some heartache with regards to the betrayel but its not so bad lol Be aware... that the pain you feel about her infidelity really have not started yet. The reason for that is that you took decisive action to end the marriage, which was the right thing to do. But after everything starts to settle down you will start to wonder, and think about it. What you need to tell yourself and understand is that it was not your fault in the first place. It was hers and it always will be. You need to grieve the loss and work to heal and move on. Just learn from this and at the same time don't let it taint future relationships. But learn that if you meet a woman like your ExW run the other way. Just keep your eyes open and don't take any crap off of any woman in the future... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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