Boyfriend is having an emotional affair with an ex from TWENTY-EIGHT years ago

[girlygo]

My boyfriend of 12 years was with an ex who he said before he met me was 'the only girl I ever really loved' in his mid twenties for 3 years. It ended quite because he cheated on her a few times and her parents did not approve of him so moved her away out of town, much to her and his regret at 22 years old. She then went on to marry someone who she was with for 20 years or so before divorcing due to her husband's affair and also her subsequent alcohol problem. The problem is this went on years ago and I know from even before I was dating my boyfriend (I'm 17 years younger than him) that he would talk about her and reminisce on things they had done. He lost contact with her all those years ago but a couple of years ago, in his mid 50's she reconnected with him on Facebook for the first time. I didn't know this until I got suspicious because he was obsessed with being on Facebook and getting home early on a weekend so he could go on it in private (we don't live together).

 

I know this is wrong but, suspicious as I was I managed to monitor his text messages and phone calls and discovered he was ringing and texting her, as well as posting and messaging on Facebook. This went on for months as it appeared he was giving her advice about her current boyfriend and his behaviour and helping her through her depression and alcoholism....all online and by phone. The comments included 'I will always love you' etc. nothing sexual but regular contact at least once or twice a week. He never mentioned her to me but before I had all the evidence I confronted him and he fobbed her off as 'just some drunk woman' who he was giving 'advice' to and that 'I should show some empathy' and that she had no one else to talk to, even though she has friends and family. Nevermind the fact he had been lying to me. I told him to remove her from his Facebook friends but he became really angry and burst out that he may as well remove everyone then if I was going to be so ridiculous. I said that he must obviously love her and want to be with her because he was in contact with her but he denied it. He said he was just 'helping' her. It continued on behind my back - nothing to say he was meeting her but continuous emotional conversations.

 

I ended the relationship and said I'd had enough but found the same day getting talked out of it because he promised he would not speak to her again. Cut to another year and a half later and it's still going on, although my boyfriend doesn't know that I know he is still in touch with his ex. They have phone conversations of 45 minutes long every week, text once or twice a week and message on facebook. She tells him that he was her first love and the love of her life and he says he will always love her. They have jokes and he asks her how she is regularly. I feel that this is wrong as I have ex boyfriends and I would never put all of this energy into keeping in touch with them.

 

Also, she is single and has been since they got back in touch over a year ago, after she split up with her most recent boyfriend. She knows he has a girlfriend but I don't think she knows that we have been together that long. I feel as though she is waiting for an opportunity to steal him or hang around in the hope we will split up. My friend says that they're not up to anything so I shouldn't worry but then other people say it's disrespectful because he's lying. Part of me has been trying to ignore it because I feel that by making a big deal out of it it would make me look like the jealous girlfriend but does my boyfriend and his ex's behaviour seem normal to you?

 

I am at my wits end about what to do, as he has not cheated with her physically but I just feel betrayed and wondering what the point is of him still being in a relationship with me?

[darkmoon]

not normal, she prolly knows she can easily upset you, I would be jealous too, so move in with him, anybody that blames your jealousy (which is painful to feel) does not care about you

[smackie9]

I agree with both....he isn't cheating or having an emotional affair BUT, it's not his place to be "helping" her so much on such a personal level. It's one thing to advise her to seek professional help, it's another being her therapist, shoulder to cry on. She has family and friends for that. I get it, she may want to keep her troubles private BUT she's a grown ass woman, she needs to stand on her own two feet. When people keep it a secret, then they know they shouldn't be doing it.

 

If he doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing, then he is putting him and her before you. That is grounds for ending this relationship. Being respectful of each other is key, so if he isn't willing to do that for YOU, then there is no point in trying to salvage this.

[Space Ritual]

My boyfriend of 12 years

 

Is pretty much all I needed to read.

 

12 years? Are you serious?

 

There are things that defy logic, and also things that fly in the face of common sense. A boyfriend of 12 years flies in the face of common sense.

 

There comes a point in our lives when we have to make a decision to either remain in victimhood, or escape it

 

Why you are even debating staying with this guy is a mystery. Stop contributing to your own misery by inaction, stand up for yourself and flush this turd.

[elaine567]

I agree with both....he isn't cheating or having an emotional affair

 

Of course he is.

He is speaking to this woman and tells her he loves her, every week behind the OPs back after promising the OP he would not ever speak to her again...

If that is not an emotional affair then what is it?

 

What is the definition of emotional infidelity? It's an emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex that you keep a secret from your spouse.

[Gaeta]

You need to have a good look at what is going on here.

 

You have been dating 12 years, you don't need anymore confirmation that this man isn't taking you seriously and he won't ever. He's sneaky and a liar. What more do you need? The man has been lying to you for 1,5 year and you wonder if you should go?

 

Let them be togehter.

[Space Ritual]

You need to have a good look at what is going on here.

 

You have been dating 12 years, you don't need anymore confirmation that this man isn't taking you seriously and he won't ever. He's sneaky and a liar. What more do you need? The man has been lying to you for 1,5 year and you wonder if you should go?

 

Let them be togehter.

 

Excellent. OP if you don't listen to anyone else, listen to this, please.

[smackie9]

OP what is it that you really want?

[Southwardbound]

My boyfriend of 12 years was with an ex who he said before he met me was 'the only girl I ever really loved' in his mid twenties for 3 years. It ended quite because he cheated on her a few times and her parents did not approve of him so moved her away out of town, much to her and his regret at 22 years old. She then went on to marry someone who she was with for 20 years or so before divorcing due to her husband's affair and also her subsequent alcohol problem. The problem is this went on years ago and I know from even before I was dating my boyfriend (I'm 17 years younger than him) that he would talk about her and reminisce on things they had done. He lost contact with her all those years ago but a couple of years ago, in his mid 50's she reconnected with him on Facebook for the first time. I didn't know this until I got suspicious because he was obsessed with being on Facebook and getting home early on a weekend so he could go on it in private (we don't live together).

 

I know this is wrong but, suspicious as I was I managed to monitor his text messages and phone calls and discovered he was ringing and texting her, as well as posting and messaging on Facebook. This went on for months as it appeared he was giving her advice about her current boyfriend and his behaviour and helping her through her depression and alcoholism....all online and by phone. The comments included 'I will always love you' etc. nothing sexual but regular contact at least once or twice a week. He never mentioned her to me but before I had all the evidence I confronted him and he fobbed her off as 'just some drunk woman' who he was giving 'advice' to and that 'I should show some empathy' and that she had no one else to talk to, even though she has friends and family. Nevermind the fact he had been lying to me. I told him to remove her from his Facebook friends but he became really angry and burst out that he may as well remove everyone then if I was going to be so ridiculous. I said that he must obviously love her and want to be with her because he was in contact with her but he denied it. He said he was just 'helping' her. It continued on behind my back - nothing to say he was meeting her but continuous emotional conversations.

 

I ended the relationship and said I'd had enough but found the same day getting talked out of it because he promised he would not speak to her again. Cut to another year and a half later and it's still going on, although my boyfriend doesn't know that I know he is still in touch with his ex. They have phone conversations of 45 minutes long every week, text once or twice a week and message on facebook. She tells him that he was her first love and the love of her life and he says he will always love her. They have jokes and he asks her how she is regularly. I feel that this is wrong as I have ex boyfriends and I would never put all of this energy into keeping in touch with them.

 

Also, she is single and has been since they got back in touch over a year ago, after she split up with her most recent boyfriend. She knows he has a girlfriend but I don't think she knows that we have been together that long. I feel as though she is waiting for an opportunity to steal him or hang around in the hope we will split up. My friend says that they're not up to anything so I shouldn't worry but then other people say it's disrespectful because he's lying. Part of me has been trying to ignore it because I feel that by making a big deal out of it it would make me look like the jealous girlfriend but does my boyfriend and his ex's behaviour seem normal to you?

 

I am at my wits end about what to do, as he has not cheated with her physically but I just feel betrayed and wondering what the point is of him still being in a relationship with me?

 

Ok, I know no one is going to like what I'm going to say, however, you know about her, and she knows about you. If you really want to know if she is just an old flame who he still loves, cares for but that it isn't ever going to go further than that, tell him to invite her over for dinner. That way you can size up what her & his intentions are to make sure no boundaries are / have been crossed.

 

I'm very close with one of my old highschool boyfriends, we dated seriously for 6 years, said the I love you's, and for a long time I thought we would get married. But we didn't. He had a alcohol problems & I refused to tolerate it then, it was one of the reasons we broke up. We are still close. When he's going through a rough patch, I talk to him as much as he needs. And he does likewise, if I need any emotional support. He was a great help to me when I went through my divorce. I still love him, but not in the way that I would ever want to be in a relationship with him again. I've met him & his wife together many times - at their house or other places. I like her, I think she was a good marriage pic for him. I'm glad I didn't marry him. Do I still want to jump his bones. No! But I do still want to be good friends with him. And in my heart there is still a place for him where the love exists. Maybe, your man feels something similar? So, if you want to really know & put these feelings your having to rest, then call him out, and have her over. You'll find out then if it's just feelings of deep friendship, or if he is having an affair.

[l8estnews]

Run, Forrest, Run!!!!!

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I have gone thru a similar situation but was the man who had reached out to ex gf from 23 years ago. It was horribly unfair what I did to my ex W but I had to be honest with myself that I did not truly love my ex W. She saw red flags over the years and red flags about my feelings for my ex gf but I was scared and reassured her many many times.

 

 

If I were you, I would tell your bf to think long and hard about where his heart is. Tell him you want an honest answer no matter how difficult. Give him a few days if needed. You need him to be honest so that you can make the best decision for you.

[Space Ritual]

I have gone thru a similar situation but was the man who had reached out to ex gf from 23 years ago. It was horribly unfair what I did to my ex W but I had to be honest with myself that I did not truly love my ex W. She saw red flags over the years and red flags about my feelings for my ex gf but I was scared and reassured her many many times.

 

 

If I were you, I would tell your bf to think long and hard about where his heart is. Tell him you want an honest answer no matter how difficult. Give him a few days if needed. You need him to be honest so that you can make the best decision for you.

 

Wookin,

 

I have to say I think not only was that very solid advice, but I think it also shows that you have obviously taken some of our advice(kicking and screaming perhaps, but indeed you may have taken some of it) and not only read around the site a bit more, but have done some soul searching yourself and can provide advice based on your own experience.

 

Well done!