What do men get by being married these days?

[SexKitten]

i think her point was that just because something is made possible does not mean it is the path that you must take.

 

it doesn't mean "anyone can do anything they want." obviously people have different circumstances. there was a point made by softdrink that said "if you want to work, if you have to, than of course you work" or something to that effect.

 

choosing to marry was an "option" for you. that alone shows the progress made by women--it is not unusual to see a married or non-married woman going to college (or not) and having a career of her own.

 

while this is great for those who want to or have to, it does not indicate that all women agree with this type of life.

 

the married, working woman who has to work still can disagree with the concept even while doing what she does to survive.

[bab]

i think her point was that just because something is made possible does not mean it is the path that you must take.

 

it doesn't mean "anyone can do anything they want." obviously people have different circumstances. there was a point made by softdrink that said "if you want to work, if you have to, than of course you work" or something to that effect.

 

choosing to marry was an "option" for you. that alone shows the progress made by women--it is not unusual to see a married or non-married woman going to college (or not) and having a career of her own.

 

Absolutely. Women have tons of options in tons of different areas, and I'm very thankful for that. I was replying to the term option in the sole area of working, and it's not always an option.

 

while this is great for those who want to or have to, it does not indicate that all women agree with this type of life.

 

the married, working woman who has to work still can disagree with the concept even while doing what she does to survive.

 

I never said they did, actually this was somewhat my point. Just because they are working doesn't mean that it was by choice. And, especially if it's not by choice, their respective husbands shouldn't expect them to do everthing a wife that stays at home would be able to do. It just isn't possible, and they shouldn't feel guilty if they can't make it all happen.

[Woggle]

If I were to get married again I could care less if she cooked and all I ask is that she picked up after herself. I am single now and I always have a good meal and my house is cleaner now than before I was married. American women are feelling like they are beinh bashed right now well how do you think men have felt for the last 25 years. Don't get mad because men are speaking our minds right now without caring if we are labeled sexist. All I expect from a woman is what she would demand from me. I just want to know that she truly cares and that is enough for me.

[Horse]

when it comes to freedom, the wife loses far more often. i have yet to see as many men as women fighting for full custody of the kids. wonder why that it is.

 

 

Serious answer: I think most people assume that unless the woman is unfit, she will get custody 99% of the time. Most people don't choose to fight costly battles that they know they are going to lose.

 

I don't know many men who expect their wives/girlfriend to do "it all" either. Most of the guys I know do their share, they usually either cook, or do housework.

 

Personally: I work full time, cook, and clean. I also do 95% of the yardwork, repairs, and home improvement stuff. My wife works part time, goes to school, does the bills, cleans (maybe a little more than me) and make pancakes occasionally.

 

If I make enough for her to stay home when we have kids, I would expect her to learn how to cook more than a couple things and do more of the housework.

 

I got married because I met a woman that I want to spend my life and raise a family with. I wasn't am not worried about how much the ring cost or how much manual labor I am getting out of my wife.

 

If we did split up after we have kids, I would be more worried about the loss of my family than the loss of the my posessions and $.

 

The irony is before I met her I didn't want a family (at least not for a long time).

[Iluvsiamese]

I think that going into marriage because you are looking for benefits is a mistake. The biggest problem with marriage these days? Expectations and assumptions.

 

I did not fare well financially in my marriage. I went in with a good job, debt-free, a car in good condition, the assurance of my inheritance, and friends and family. I came out with no job, a load of debt, a wreck of a car, no inheritance (he blew it on his business-$85,000) and isolated from friends and family and two kids to support. The rings in question were given back--they weren't worth anything to me. Unless there are large stones of excellent quality, rings are seldom of any value to speak of. So no one could say that there was much benefit for me to get married. And I did all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, child-care, home maintenance, and yard maintenance, often while he sat and watched tv.

 

I did not fare well emotionally in my marriage either. I was little more than a convenience and was constantly compared and criticized as he felt that this was a way of encouraging people to do better. (He wants to coach in kids sports--God help them if he ever does!) I could go on and on.

 

Still, I would like to remarry one day. It is not because of finances, status etc. as the Canadian Government now decrees your marital status for tax purposes and the legalities don't matter a whit. (Why do you think that they legalized same-sex marriages? Now all roommates of any sex will have to prove that they aren't married or will have to pay more taxes. They aren't total dummies!) No, I would like to remarry because of the value I place on marriage itself and the vows that you make. Whether the vows are traditional or you write them yourself, these are what is important. You are making a statement of commitment to your SO and telling them that you are proud of it.

[scammy]

Ha ha I was just on here venting about my ex and family and was hoping for some straight up advice from Merin or someone and ran across this thread. All I have to say is times have changed since the 50's. I am constantly arguing with people and am made to feel like a loser because I want to get a four-year engineering degree. Merin respect to you girl [/b]I read your post on what it had been like. I have been there. Except my kids are not with me but I did what is best for them. Now back to the marriage thing, mind you... yes we get a ring and yes men make more money than us (some times) but face it people we have been trying to change allot in the last 40 or so years. People do not like change; I still flip flop between what I prefer, Corporate life or homemaker? You know it all boils down to a person and their core, integrity, morals and conscience. I do not feel everybody has the same values and we have become such a narcissist society, hell I am guilty of that. All I know is life is much more bearable with someone at your back.

[Woggle]

The marriage thing is the only problem with my girlfriend and I. She has admitted that she wants to get married and at 41 I don't expect her to be dating me for years waiting for a ring. I understand that but I am not sure if I want to get married again. In theory I would love to have a marriage like those old couples that are still madly in love after all those years but that is so hard these days. I would like to just date somebody and live happily ever after.

[Iluvsiamese]

So, Woggle, are you ok with your girlfriend dating others? Or are you looking for more commitment than that? There are no guarantees in life and it doesn't matter if you are talking about marriage, dating or mowing the lawn. So you might be able to live happily ever after dating....or you might not.

 

To me I guess that it boils down to the person. If you want to keep her, you will. If not, you will let her go and move on, either now or at some point in the future. It's a question of priorities. I was reading something yesterday about fundamental compatability. This is one major area where it is essential and if it is not there, it will never work.

[AmberAriesMom]

Men and women both get married for two main reasons....1)they get tired of dating and having to be on the prowl or being prowled after....tired of rejection and wondering if the next person you date will be the magic One...and they get tired of society asking, "when are you going to find you a man/woman and settle down?". Once in that mindset, whatever the age, they get married to the first person they somewhat get along with and enjoy having sex with.2) They want to raise a family.

 

The only reason people should get married is when they want to raise a family. Until then, dating and living together should be as far as you go. What's the point in a silly piece of paper besides making it harder to split up? Remember this about divorce....both parties have to sign it! If one doesn't want to, then it's a big mess and the reluctant to sign will get more than their fair share.

 

Getting married to say, "I'm off the market! Someone loves me at last!" is stupid. I've even seen people get married to 'in your face' a person they once loved who rejected them.

 

What do men get out of it? Depends on why they married and who they chose to marry.

[Iluvsiamese]

So the point of looking for the "magic one" is what? If you are only into dating and sex, wouldn't friends w/benefits be more than adequate? One reasonably compatible date would be as good as the next. Maybe the "magic one" is just a myth, lol.

 

Living together gets complex these days as well. It isn't quite the same as it started out to be. I am experiencing the down-side of that. Since I am now classified as "common-law" for tax purposes, my income is substantially affected in the negative way. And of course, once you hit that legal time-frame, you need to either be very trusting, or sign some sort of agreement. Otherwise, you get into the business of splitting assets and so on and the longer you live together, the more complicated it gets. In Canada, you can be still legally married and be classified as common-law with another person. Imagine trying to get a divorce and separate from your common-law partner at the same time! On top of that, there are also registered domestic partnerships available, just to add to the mix.

 

So do we just hide in our corners to avoid the risks?

[Chimerical]

When my exH and I divorced, he got:

*A brand new car

*A house worth $250,000 (that he never put a dime into.)

*A mountain bike worth over a $1000

*Free health insurance the entire marriage.

*2 trucks that I paid for during the marriage.

*2 New computers that he'd bought with my money.

*A kayak

*a riding lawnmower

etc etc etc etc etc

 

My ex got a LOT of stuff for marrying me. I bought a house and he mortgaged it and used the money to buy my engagement ring. (Only the best for me! He made sure he got a $4,000 ring, then lied about where the money came from.)

 

I put $50,000 into building a house, blood, sweat and tears to build it.... he got to keep it and all the profits. Oh, and he spent every dime I earned while in the marriage on toys for himself.

 

What I got:

*my car

*some blankets

*my dog

*and an immense amount of debt on my credit cards for his toys.

*A huge lawyer fee that gained me NOTHING!

 

So. I'm in total agreement. What would a man get from marriage?? Seems so unreasonable to me, how men really get screwed over and all. How unfair and unjust for you. It must suck to be so victimized by women all the time.

 

If you'd like, I could give you my ex's phone number, you could get some pointers on how to really screw over a women. He's still living off the money he got from selling the house I invested in and built, so he's got plenty of time to talk.

[Art_Critic]

So. I'm in total agreement. What would a man get from marriage?? Seems so unreasonable to me, how men really get screwed over and all. How unfair and unjust for you. It must suck to be so victimized by women all the time.

 

Besides the fact that you sound hurt and possibly a little bitter

 

Your attorney must've really sucked if it really was that lopsided of a judgement.

Something tells me we are only getting 10% of the real side to this story.

 

I don't know what state you are in but most of the states I know of would allow that kind of unfairness.

 

Divorce in itself is not a fair thing to have to go thru .. In My divorce my wife of only 5 years got 100's of thousands of dollars from me.. But it was because of our businesses and what the state considered marital property

 

Have you thought about appealing the decision ?

[Chimerical]

Besides the fact that you sound hurt and possibly a little bitter

 

Your attorney must've really sucked if it really was that lopsided of a judgement.

Something tells me we are only getting 10% of the real side to this story.

 

I don't know what state you are in but most of the states I know of would allow that kind of unfairness.

 

Divorce in itself is not a fair thing to have to go thru .. In My divorce my wife of only 5 years got 100's of thousands of dollars from me.. But it was because of our businesses and what the state considered marital property

 

Have you thought about appealing the decision ?

 

Appeal it with whose money? It's been 2 years and I just paid off the last C.C. bill he stuck me with.

 

The other 90%. I felt sorry for the schmuck at the time. A little distance adds clarity though. He accused me of abandonment, told me he could sue me, etc. Alienated me from friends by saying I cheated on him, (I didn't) threw himself into the victim status. Told me he was going to committ suicide if I didn't come back. Then told me I was going to hell for leaving him. (He decided he was a devote Christian as soon as I told him I was leaving.) He lived at the house but cried that he couldn't afford the mortgage payments, so I paid $600 a month so that the bank wouldnt' foreclose before we sold the house. After 7 months of every prospective buyer falling through, I finally told him I couldn't pay half the mortgage, my rent, his health insurance ($100 a mnth), and my car payment on $9.60 an hour. He told me that he would NOT sell the house for less then $250,000 if I was going to insist on half the money. (He sold the house the DAY AFTER the divorce was finalized for $200,000.) Lawyer was no help, but charged a lot. Hell. The lawyer didn't even know the divorce had been finalized. My ex called to tell me, and when I called the lawyer to see if this was true, she said he lied. I dig into it, and yes, it was true.

 

What the lawyer said, "we can fight this. If you'll just give us another $2,000...." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! From where??? That was a good one.

[Art_Critic]

 

Welcome to LS .. Keep posting ..

[Iluvsiamese]

Chimerical, are we twins?? the whole story sounds eerily familiar, right down to the devoted Christian thing. The only difference is that once he went through all the money, and racked up the debt, there was nothing left of value. Canadian law makes spouses responsible both jointly and severally. In other words, his debt was his responsibility but I could be held 100% responsible, if he did not pay. I considered myself lucky (relatively speaking) to be left with only 50% of the debt he created, much of it without my knowledge or consent (consent! try objection!) It could have been much worse.

 

To top it off, I have been battling with Revenue Canada over whether or not I am still married to this weasel. When I got off of the phone with them this morning, I was nearly in tears. Why? He has not changed his mailing address. Even though I have changed mine, (I moved three times since we separated) sent in divorce papers, etc. and indicated that I am now living with someone else, they have decreed that I am still married to my ex. I am going in circles trying to get this sorted out. On a new front, they have now decided that I must prove that my children exist and are my dependants. It just goes on and on. If there was some way short of murder that I could use to rid myself of this man, I think that I would do it.

[RecordProducer]

I would like to just date somebody and live happily ever after.

 

You expect to date her when you're 50 and she is 65?

[Chimerical]

Dang! I'm actually feeling like I didn't get run through the dirt so bad after hearing what you're going through. At least once my divorce was through, it was done with.

 

I hear you on the debt thing. my exH racked up $22,000 dollars in debt from March through September while he was earning $2,500 a month and I was making $2,000 a month. I was on active duty for the Marine Corps, and I get home end of September and find he's used my poa to get loans in my name, but couldn't account for where the money went. I was pissed!! He tells me it went for "bills", but the ones he'd said he paid while I was gone still weren't paid when I got home.

 

Now he's living in the lap of luxury. He bought 3 brand new motorcycles, and a bunch of other toys with the money he made off the sale of the house.

 

He quit his job after we seperated. Why work when you're (at the time) wife is paying your mortgage and debt???