[sexless marriage; should I stay faithful?]

[golfer6760]

My wife and I have not been intimate in 7 years. She refuses to have sex. She has RA and her excuse is she is in too much discomfort. We have discussed her problem over and over and nothing changes.

We own two homes, one up north and the other in SW Florida. The last few years I have been going to FL alone for 6-7 months playing golf and enjoying myself, but IMO this cannot go on forever. We have discussed divorce and she say's she likes things the way they are and say's I should also.

 

To make a long story short I am a normal guy and have my desires. I have been faithful to this day but I am feeling when I head south this winter it's time to break out and enjoy myself. Am I wrong? or should I stay faithful.

[central]

Stay faithful, but file for divorce and move out permanently. THEN you can start dating. She doesn't have to agree to a divorce - you can decide unilaterally, and do it. Find a good lawyer near your primary joint residence and get on with it.

[RecentChange]

If she refused to pursue options for sex, and is fine with you being a half time husband....

 

Could you talk to her about an open marriage or some sort of arrangement? Your needs aren't being met, sue she is okay with this - but she needs to understand you are not.

 

Status quo is okay with her, but not for you. I would propose two options, divorce or that she allows you to have sex outside of the marriage

[Space Ritual]

My wife and I have not been intimate in 7 years. She refuses to have sex. She has RA and her excuse is she is in too much discomfort. We have discussed her problem over and over and nothing changes.

We own two homes, one up north and the other in SW Florida. The last few years I have been going to FL alone for 6-7 months playing golf and enjoying myself, but IMO this cannot go on forever. We have discussed divorce and she say's she likes things the way they are and say's I should also.

 

To make a long story short I am a normal guy and have my desires. I have been faithful to this day but I am feeling when I head south this winter it's time to break out and enjoy myself. Am I wrong? or should I stay faithful.

 

Do yourself a favor and file for divorce and have the integrity to wait until you pull the plug to start seeing other women.

 

It does not matter if you are in the process or not. Infidelity is Infidelity Is infidelity.....

 

Read around here a bit. See for yourself how well these "I need to be fulfilled" stories usually end up....usually Tits Up is where they end.

 

Infidelity and Murder are 2 things you can't come back from. I've been affected by both in my life. I'd much rather have to deal with a murder than infidelity...Any Day. Murder is usually clear cut. Infidelity usually is not.

 

Take a real hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if a temporary ego stroke is worth the pain it will ultimately cause

[elaine567]

My wife and I have not been intimate in 7 years. She refuses to have sex. She has RA and her excuse is she is in too much discomfort. We have discussed her problem over and over and nothing changes.

 

Well if she is in a lot of pain from Rheumatoid Arthritis then it is unlikely to change, is it?

RA is a very painful condition. Pain management is not always effective either.

 

As you are spending 6-7 months away from home playing golf then why would any wife want to have sex with you?

Where is the connection?

[d0nnivain]

You should get a divorce but you should not cheat. Divorce happens. Cheating is morally wrong.

[BaileyB]

Divorce is your only responsible option.

[usa1ah]

My wife and I have not been intimate in 7 years. She refuses to have sex. She has RA and her excuse is she is in too much discomfort. We have discussed her problem over and over and nothing changes.

We own two homes, one up north and the other in SW Florida. The last few years I have been going to FL alone for 6-7 months playing golf and enjoying myself, but IMO this cannot go on forever. We have discussed divorce and she say's she likes things the way they are and say's I should also.

 

To make a long story short I am a normal guy and have my desires. I have been faithful to this day but I am feeling when I head south this winter it's time to break out and enjoy myself. Am I wrong? or should I stay faithful.

 

You should divorce.

 

You are really no longer in love with your wife if you are talking about divorce and thinking of cheating.

 

Do not destroy your own self respect by doing such a thing. If your wife has a problem that is treatable and refuses treatment then it is on her. On the other hand if there is no treatment then come in to play “in sickness and in health”.

 

I have a few friends the have lost the ability to be intimate with there wives because of wounds received in combat. About half have a wife that has stayed and been faithful. The others ended up leaving, I don’t believe that they ever loved my friends.

 

The thing is this, you know your own past with your wife and we don’t. Go by this to make your decision for your future.

[kittencupcake]

I’m not going to jump straight to divorce..if you love her, I would give her two options. Open marriage or divorce. Tell her that just because she thinks you should be happy doesn’t make it so, and that those are the two choices you are willing to live with so the future of your marriage is entirely up to her.

Edited October 16, 2017 by kittencupcake

[road]

I’m not going to jump straight to divorce..if you love her, I would give her two options. Open marriage or divorce. Tell her that just because she thinks you should be happy doesn’t make it so, and that those are the two choices you are willing to live with so the future of your marriage is entirely up to her.

 

You should get a divorce but you should not cheat. Divorce happens. Cheating is morally wrong.

 

Better to follow d0nninvain's advice. Having affairs is

not the way to have a marriage. Tell your wife this is the

last chance to save your marriage. That you and her are

going to she the Dr together to rule out any medical

problems. Then have the doctor recommend a female

sex therapist to work together with you and your wife.

 

After that has been done then it will be time to re-evaluate

divorce.

 

Do you divorce a wife that gets sick and can no longer

keep house or cook?

 

Hmmmmm, I'll have to get back to you on that last

question.

[d0nnivain]

Do you divorce a wife that gets sick and can no longer

keep house or cook?

 

Hmmmmm, I'll have to get back to you on that last

question.

 

No because the vows say in sickness & in health, for better or worse, 'til death do us part.

 

In the OPs case, the wife checked out. He's in this marriage alone so OK fine. In your example, the illness was not intentional. This spouse you married who you promised to love forever, needs help. Walking away is cruel.

 

When my mom got Alzheimer's people actually suggested to my dad that he put her in a home & divorce her. Both he & I were horrified that some people would suggest such abandonment.

[kittencupcake]

No because the vows say in sickness & in health, for better or worse, 'til death do us part.

 

In the OPs case, the wife checked out. He's in this marriage alone so OK fine. In your example, the illness was not intentional. This spouse you married who you promised to love forever, needs help. Walking away is cruel.

 

When my mom got Alzheimer's people actually suggested to my dad that he put her in a home & divorce her. Both he & I were horrified that some people would suggest such abandonment.

 

Wait..how is rheumatoid arthritis intentional?

 

RA is an inflammatory disease that occurs when your

immune system mistakenly starts attacking healthy joints,

causing symptoms that may include pain, swelling, stiffness,

and loss of physical function.

 

Can you honestly not see how that might make sex painful? I don't think the wife should have the right to dictate her husband's sexual future, but to say that her illness is intentional is just awful.

Edited October 16, 2017 by kittencupcake

[d0nnivain]

Her RA is not intentional. Her choice not to use it as an excuse to not do anything to accommodate her husband is a choice. She says likes things the way they are -- her husband being gone for 6-7 months at a time & her never dealing with his sexual needs. That is not fair. I know people with RA. Being in too much pain sometimes is one thing but not all the time. On good days she could be nicer to her husband.

[kittencupcake]

Her RA is not intentional. Her choice not to use it as an excuse to not do anything to accommodate her husband is a choice. She says likes things the way they are -- her husband being gone for 6-7 months at a time & her never dealing with his sexual needs. That is not fair. I know people with RA. Being in too much pain sometimes is one thing but not all the time. On good days she could be nicer to her husband.

 

We are actually saying the same thing then.

[elaine567]

Her RA is not intentional. Her choice not to use it as an excuse to not do anything to accommodate her husband is a choice. She says likes things the way they are -- her husband being gone for 6-7 months at a time & her never dealing with his sexual needs. That is not fair. I know people with RA. Being in too much pain sometimes is one thing but not all the time. On good days she could be nicer to her husband.

 

It all depends on how severe her RA is.

OK to say she refuses to "accommodate" her husband, but that may be very difficult for her to do if she is disabled from the RA.

PIV, oral, anal, handjobs may all be off the table due to RA.

https://www.rheumatoidarthritis.org/ra/

Also how can she please him sexually if he has taken himself off for 6-7 months of the year playing golf...

[d0nnivain]

He heads to the warmer weather. She stays in the cold. The warm would ease her pain.

 

Regardless of how this couple go to where they are . . . apart for 6-7 months & no sex, they can't go on Him cheating will only make things worse. Getting a divorce seems the only option is she is unwilling to even talk about making changes.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Golfer, I wanted to ask you how your relationship is apart from the issue of sex? Is it a fulfilling relationship emotionally and from the point of view of companionship? If it does not measure up on those fronts then I think the marriage is dead anyway. In such a case divorce is your best option unless you do not want to divorce for other reasons.

 

Folks ,I get the feeling that the OP has started spending six or seven months in Florida playing golf because his wife is not accommodating his sexual needs. It is probably a way to keep his mind off sex. Of course I may be wrong. Warm wishes.

[JellyTot]

When it comes down to it, you love sex more than you love your wife. There's a reason that the vows say "in sickness and in health". Sickness happens and the expectation is that you will stick by your spouse regardless. Some people's spouses have an accident and are paralysed from the neck down. Some develop dementia and no longer know who their spouse is. Some, like your wife, develop a painful illness that makes it difficult to have sex. The idea of marriage is that you stick together and cope with whatever life throws at you. Marriage is not about getting YOUR needs fulfilled - it's about promising to do your best to selflessly fulfil someone else's needs.

 

I do agree that perhaps there's more your wife could do to accommodate you. Perhaps there are deeper issues that are making her avoid sex. It's certainly not a good marriage if you go away for six months of the year. I also have to ask if you are making an effort to fulfil HER needs? She might be in pain but there's no reason why she can't lie comfortably while you do things for her, if you catch my drift. If you're not meeting her needs then why should she meet yours?

[Thegameoflife]

My wife and I have not been intimate in 7 years. She refuses to have sex. She has RA and her excuse is she is in too much discomfort. We have discussed her problem over and over and nothing changes.

We own two homes, one up north and the other in SW Florida. The last few years I have been going to FL alone for 6-7 months playing golf and enjoying myself, but IMO this cannot go on forever. We have discussed divorce and she say's she likes things the way they are and say's I should also.

 

To make a long story short I am a normal guy and have my desires. I have been faithful to this day but I am feeling when I head south this winter it's time to break out and enjoy myself. Am I wrong? or should I stay faithful.

 

The most logical solution is to get a professional sex worker to fulfill your needs. If you want sex, pay for it, and live with your decision.

 

Only a monster would tell his sick wife of probably 30+ years to accept an open relationship or face divorce. Pick one: Abandonment or emotional abuse. Marriage is a committed partnership. Fidelity is ideal, but it also needs to be accompanied with willingness to mutually fulfill sexual needs, or it's a breach of contract. If the need isn't met, you fulfill the need, not replace the person.

 

Seeking out a sex professional is the path of least damage. If your wife finds out, she will rationalize a prostitute a hell of a lot better than a full blown emotional and physical affair. What devastates people who've been cheated on, is that their partner has chosen someone else over them. Since your wife isn't having sex with you, you're not denying her for someone else.

 

Use a prostitute. Don't let sex destroy your family.

[Trail Blazer]

Hi Golfer, I wanted to ask you how your relationship is apart from the issue of sex? Is it a fulfilling relationship emotionally and from the point of view of companionship? If it does not measure up on those fronts then I think the marriage is dead anyway. In such a case divorce is your best option unless you do not want to divorce for other reasons.

 

Folks ,I get the feeling that the OP has started spending six or seven months in Florida playing golf because his wife is not accommodating his sexual needs. It is probably a way to keep his mind off sex. Of course I may be wrong. Warm wishes.

 

I agree. What came first, the chicken or the egg? He is undoubtedly off playing golf, doing whatever it is he does in that time away because it hurts being rejected sexually. It hurts being around the person he loves who is unwilling to accommodate him in ANY way. Sure, she has RM but it doesn't affect her brain, so telling him "I like things the way they are and so should you" is hurtful.

 

Perhaps he's coming from a position of privilege by not fully understanding her condition, by not doing everything he can to help her... it's hard to say, really. But she, along with any woman with an ailment or otherwise, who is for whatever reason unwilling or unable to have sex, thinks that a man should happily put up with it because in her world she's not in a position to desire it, is also privileged.

[elaine567]

Seeking out a sex professional is the path of least damage. If your wife finds out, she will rationalize a prostitute a hell of a lot better than a full blown emotional and physical affair. What devastates people who've been cheated on, is that their partner has chosen someone else over them. Since your wife isn't having sex with you, you're not denying her for someone else.

 

Use a prostitute. Don't let sex destroy your family.

 

I think that is using male rationale and pragmatism, but for many married women then bringing the sleazy, seedy world of the sex worker into her nice clean respectable marriage is as bad if not 10000x worse than bringing a mistress in.

 

The problem here is that many women see real love as loving the whole person, in sickness and in health and that sex is something optional but not necessary if a man truly loves her.

She would gladly give up sex if he was ill, the sacrifice would be worth it, as she loves him, so it is most likely alien for her to think a man would divorce his wife of 30 years over lack of sex.

What is she? A real person or just a sex toy?

All that loyalty, all that devotion, all that work, all those memories, and now to be discarded over sex???? Really???

 

I guess she has no other option but to accept his 6-7 month golfing jaunts and no doubt he has made it clear he doesn't want her there ruining his golf either. She probably has always be something of a golf widow.

 

I guess he now has a specific "target" in mind, so he now needs the forum to rubber stamp him cheating on his sick wife...

[BaileyB]

The most logical solution is to get a professional sex worker to fulfill your needs. If you want sex, pay for it, and live with your decision.

 

Only a monster would tell his sick wife of probably 30+ years to accept an open relationship or face divorce. Pick one: Abandonment or emotional abuse. Marriage is a committed partnership. Fidelity is ideal, but it also needs to be accompanied with willingness to mutually fulfill sexual needs, or it's a breach of contract. If the need isn't met, you fulfill the need, not replace the person.

 

Seeking out a sex professional is the path of least damage. If your wife finds out, she will rationalize a prostitute a hell of a lot better than a full blown emotional and physical affair. What devastates people who've been cheated on, is that their partner has chosen someone else over them. Since your wife isn't having sex with you, you're not denying her for someone else.

 

Use a prostitute. Don't let sex destroy your family.

 

If my husband followed this advice, he would be out the door so fast that the lawyers wouldn't even have the divorce papers ready yet for him to sign. Most women won't see things this way. This is terrible advice, in my humble opinion.

[Just a Guy]

Hi folks while I agree that visiting prostitutes is not the solution to the OP's problem, to say that women would be devastated if the husband were to do something like that seems to me to be a bit far fetched. Yes, some women would be devastated but what about the wives of service personnel who cheat on their husbands while they poor fellows are fighting wars in Iraq or Afghanistan or elsewhere? I think that is about the unkindest cut that a woman can deliver to her husband. What about the innumerable women who have to travel for work or business and who end up cheating on their husbands who are at home doing the nine to five or the late night shift? For people to say that sex is something that can be locked up in a mental box and dumped in a remote part of the brain just because he or she has made vows in front of a priest is stretching one's credibility a bit too much. Especially so if the man or woman is in the prime of life and in good health and has been deprived of sex for a long period. The kindest thing the OP's wife could do was to allow him sexual freedom with the stipulation that he not bring anything home(Although it would really not matter since husband and wife are not intimate).Just as the wife did not bargain on getting rheumatoid arthritis so also did her husband not bargain for celibacy when he married her. While in her case nature has dealt her a blow which she can do nothing about the same is not the case with the OP and he is capable and willing to have sex and probably needs it too, like all of us need oxygen.

 

If one reads about the number of sexless marriages on this website one will see that it is equally populated with women as with men. The women are quite emphatic in expressing their need for sex and ask for opinions here on how to process their need. It is not as if their husbands are denying them sex in a vengeful or mean manner. The husbands have been incapacitated by illness or injury and so are not able to fulfill their conjugal responsibilities. I do not think any of the ladies on here would advise such women to just suck it up and grin and bear it. They would offer them advice along the lines of being able to get sexual release over and above masturbation. I would think that if the OP is firm in his commitment to his wife and is not going to divorce her she should go in for an agreement which entails the famous(infamous) "Don't ask don't tell" stipulation. Warm regards.

[Jg81]

I'm going to get slaughtered for this but I would cheat.

 

My husband and I have an open marriage that for the most part works out extremely well for both of us. It's not for everyone and it takes a certain mindset, ability to separate aspects of life, and good communication.

 

However if I couldn't have sex with my husband because I couldn't perform, I would hate to throw away all of the great qualities of our relationship over this one aspect. I would rather him slip away and have a one night stand with someone he couldn't become emotionally committed. To me it's better than growing resentful and leaving me.

 

Your situation is different as you spend so much time apart.

[Maraud3r]

I’m not going to jump straight to divorce..if you love her, I would give her two options. Open marriage or divorce. Tell her that just because she thinks you should be happy doesn’t make it so, and that those are the two choices you are willing to live with so the future of your marriage is entirely up to her.

 

Open marriage for a guy is usually, the worst of both worlds. So there is little reason why he should pursue that. Especially since she might be able to use it against him when it comes to a divorce or suddenly find her sex drive again for someone else.

 

Getting laid for guys is effort, how much differs but in general they have to go out and work on it. Which means he'd have to act like a guy who is on the dating market, find women who are okay with him being in a relationship (haha, good luck) or lie and then at the same time still play the husband to a woman who seems to not care or value him at all.

 

@OP, is she working? Whom of you two earns most of the money. Are you certain she has zero sex drive in general or just none with you. You are gone for months at a time afterall.

 

If you are the main income earner, with two houses and all. This sounds a lot like you are more a convenience than a husband at this point. You should try and find a good attorney and be the one to initiate divorce to walk away from this in as good a shape as possible.

 

I think that is using male rationale and pragmatism, but for many married women then bringing the sleazy, seedy world of the sex worker into her nice clean respectable marriage is as bad if not 10000x worse than bringing a mistress in.

 

The problem here is that many women see real love as loving the whole person, in sickness and in health and that sex is something optional but not necessary if a man truly loves her.

She would gladly give up sex if he was ill, the sacrifice would be worth it, as she loves him, so it is most likely alien for her to think a man would divorce his wife of 30 years over lack of sex.

What is she? A real person or just a sex toy?

All that loyalty, all that devotion, all that work, all those memories, and now to be discarded over sex???? Really???

 

I guess she has no other option but to accept his 6-7 month golfing jaunts and no doubt he has made it clear he doesn't want her there ruining his golf either. She probably has always be something of a golf widow.

 

I guess he now has a specific "target" in mind, so he now needs the forum to rubber stamp him cheating on his sick wife...

How you got ANY of that from his post is genuinely beyond me. You've managed to turn a situation where she held out on sex for seven years and told him to "suck it up and get over it" into one where she is a self sacrificing martyr suffering under his neglect and treatment of her. This is frankly speaking, absurd.

 

We know of people of both genders who put their own need first and of people of both genders who do the exact opposite. So dishing out roles and assigning guilt based on it; "just a sex to" "golf widow" "doesn't want her" etc is pretty mean spirited.

 

You are looking at this situation and you are entirely sympathethic to his wife. You are excusing everything she does while painting him as a terrible person. Having no basis for either assumption. If he would just see her as a sex toy, he wouldn't have married her and he most likely WOULD NOT HAVE STAYED 7 YEARS without sex with her. He'd been out of the door after he got laid the first time.

 

As for the whole "women would gladly give up sex", sure. That is why many women divorce their husbands when they lose their jobs, become disabled or cheat just as regularly as men. Women are not an uniform group. They are individuals, people. Some of them will walk out the first moment a problem arises, others will stay long after they should have bailed. The same as men. For many people sex is an integral part of a romantic relationship. It's what makes the distinction between a friendship and a partnership. They might be willing to forego it for some time, sometimes for long times especially if there are genuine problems involved but that doesn't mean they are happy with it and not being negatively affected by it.

 

The way his wife act's, with her being fine with it and thus he should suck it up and just get over it. Doesn't particularly show a lot of care for him and his needs or feelings. In fact it seems it would be hard for her to care less. As she seems to be completely unwilling to even try to change anything about this situation. Why he stayed with her for all these years is beyond me, yet here you are. Attacking him because he seems to finally have had enough.

Edited October 18, 2017 by Maraud3r