Missy Love Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 I had been seeing a guy for several months now, and I thought things were fine. He was actually the one who liked me first from the get go and was actively pursuing me. I felt guarded, but I finally caved and let myself date him and fall for him. I could tell that he very much liked me, and I decided to give him a chance. He made me feel safe and like I could trust him, and I felt like he truly cared. Sometimes he would say strange things, like he felt he was liking me too much and I distract him. It started to get a bit rocky because he became very busy with his career, and I started to get concerned that something might be wrong. I think I began to cling on too much. He was withdrawing it felt and didn't seem like he was pursuing me as much. An entire week went by and I hadn't even seen him, but he said it was just work-related. I told him that I felt like we should be spending more time together and that it's the whole point in dating, that we could just work at the same time, and I'll admit I got too worried sometimes and overreacted, and he said he felt I was being childish. He ended things, said he realized he wasn't ready for a relationship and he felt scared to be with someone. He said he couldn't give me what I deserve and there are guys out there who would treat me better and value me more. I could tell he still likes me though because he was emotional as he was saying it, and I could just sense there were still feelings there and he cared. He said that it has nothing to do with me, and that he just needs to be by himself. He also said that he thinks I'm the best person he's ever been with and has nothing but good things to say and remember and that I could always call him if anything urgent ever came up. Why would he give up so easily? I told him we could work through it, and he said he just doesn't want a relationship. It was just a complete change from how he was in the beginning, and now I feel incredibly hurt. I had grown to trust him and wasn't going to just give up because it was a rocky period. He grew to be a very close friend, and I fear I may have drove him away with wanting to see him more. There's no hope though, he said it's a closed chapter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 The truth is that you're never going to get any answers. When one party decides it's over, it's over. The best thing to do is never contact him again, nor answer him if he contacts you, and move towards healing. It's hard but everybody goes through it. Every dumper gets dumped, every dumpee has been a dumper. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 (edited) I'm sorry. Were you guys exclusive? Could he have met someone else. I'd never buy that "busy" stuff. Edited October 14, 2017 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JellyTot Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 "it's not you, it's me" is a typical line that people use to let someone down gently. You may never know his real reasons for ending it. You haven't driven him away - he had already started to back off. He's made up his mind that he doesn't want to be with you for whatever reason, so you just have to accept that and move on. It hurts and it's only human to want answers but you're unlikely to get them. Focus on yourself, cut contact with him and get on with your life. It sucks but there's nothing else you can do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Missy Love Posted October 14, 2017 Author Share Posted October 14, 2017 Thanks, and I agree. I just don't understand why he was so into it and really pursuing me, if he wasn't ready to be with me. It seemed like he truly cared and wanted me. As soon as I let myself fall, he pushes me away, and I end up really hurt. I can tell he still cared because he was crying when we said goodbye. He just kept reiterating that I deserve better. If he didn't want to be with me, I wish he wouldn't have led me to believe he did and that I could trust him. He told me it wasn't anyone else, he just wants to be by himself. I know I have to accept it, just feeling very confused and hurt by the complete switch and have no idea what changed. I went on a work trip for a few days, and he mentioned that he felt we grew apart during that period, but it was only a few days... Link to post Share on other sites
staggerlee71 Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 he pursued you until his and your expectations became misaligned. He is ready for a relationship on his terms, he is not ready for a relationship where he has to compromise and consider your needs. You deserve better means that he recognizes that you want more out of HIM, in the relationship, and he wont or cant adjust to meet your expectation. Its moving too fast for him. he is uncomfortable 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 Thanks, and I agree. I just don't understand why he was so into it and really pursuing me, if he wasn't ready to be with me. It seemed like he truly cared and wanted me. As soon as I let myself fall, he pushes me away, and I end up really hurt. I can tell he still cared because he was crying when we said goodbye. He just kept reiterating that I deserve better. If he didn't want to be with me, I wish he wouldn't have led me to believe he did and that I could trust him. He told me it wasn't anyone else, he just wants to be by himself. I know I have to accept it, just feeling very confused and hurt by the complete switch and have no idea what changed. I went on a work trip for a few days, and he mentioned that he felt we grew apart during that period, but it was only a few days... This was a warning sign that something was already troubling him. Usually after just a few days, one would be thinking, "Ooh, can't wait to see Missy again, I've missed her!" Not that you grew apart. Given that it was just a few days, it's a bit premature to say you grew apart - unless he was already having doubts. My guess is that he's not being completely open about why he doesn't want to pursue this, but that it's not related to you personally. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 Thanks, and I agree. I just don't understand why he was so into it and really pursuing me, if he wasn't ready to be with me. It seemed like he truly cared and wanted me. As soon as I let myself fall, he pushes me away, and I end up really hurt. I can tell he still cared because he was crying when we said goodbye. He just kept reiterating that I deserve better. If he didn't want to be with me, I wish he wouldn't have led me to believe he did and that I could trust him. He told me it wasn't anyone else, he just wants to be by himself. I know I have to accept it, just feeling very confused and hurt by the complete switch and have no idea what changed. I went on a work trip for a few days, and he mentioned that he felt we grew apart during that period, but it was only a few days... A guy has to pursue a woman at the start... otherwise that guy would never get a date. Once he got to know you better he pulled back. Don't take it too hard. It's likely that your personality wasn't attractive to him. I've had this happen many times before where the woman is attractive but negative personality traits make me lose interest. Also... when a woman asks for more time I give her more time IF she is fun to be with. This isn't a clingy vs. standoffish thing. That is the wrong way to look at this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Missy Love Posted October 14, 2017 Author Share Posted October 14, 2017 I feel that maybe had I not demonstrated I needed so much it would've been fine. I think I got too needy and it made him think he couldn't give me what I wanted, but I wish I would've been more understanding. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 Even if you had pulled back to please him you would be still be unhappy. You want closeness with a man and you wouldn't have gotten it from him. Stop blaming yourself for telling him what you needed. You two are simply not compatible in your love styles. Doesn't make either of you right or wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 I feel that maybe had I not demonstrated I needed so much it would've been fine. I think I got too needy and it made him think he couldn't give me what I wanted, but I wish I would've been more understanding. It doesn't really work like that. If I like a woman and am really attracted to her, then I am more than happy to give her time and attention. Even if I'm really busy with work I will MAKE TIME. The only time wanting to spend more time together is going to drive him away is if he isn't that into you, or your demands are insane. Your requests seem very reasonable to me, so I think he just lacked interest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Missy Love Posted October 14, 2017 Author Share Posted October 14, 2017 He said that one time he got hurt and now he feels scared to get close to anyone... However, I wish he would've told me that from the get go. I was the guarded one in the beginning but he got me to let my guard down. Said things like it was nice to feel so close to someone, was the one to initiate kissing, and even said I didn't need to feel guarded, etc. He said he could sense me pushing him away in the beginning, and now he pushed me away. I know I've got to accept it, but I will probably never understand why he led me to believe I could be with him when he wasn't ready in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 It's also possible the ex came back around. They always go back to the ex. It makes sense, him being so emotional about it. He probably did really like you, but he had to make the tough decision who to go with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Missy Love Posted October 14, 2017 Author Share Posted October 14, 2017 No, this person was from years ago. I actually more so feel maybe he did something stupid while I was on my work trip with someone else and felt bad. Anyway, there are multiple reasons for why it could've happened, I just have to accept. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 I'm sorry this happened to you. All I can say is that people are so fickle - they think they want something. They get what they want and then they don't want what they have. I can't tell you how many times I've been with someone and then he decides he doesn't want me, and they have the gaul to tell me that they know that since they attracted someone as good as me that they can do EVEN BETTER next time. Talk about an insult. And the next woman who comes along is trashy and horrible, but they marry them barely six months / one year later, and that gal takes them to the cleaners in divorce court. Just move on. He doesn't deserve you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Missy Love Posted October 14, 2017 Author Share Posted October 14, 2017 Thanks, I guess the one regret I do have is that I could've been nicer and more understanding towards him. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 Thanks, and I agree. I just don't understand why he was so into it and really pursuing me, if he wasn't ready to be with me. It seemed like he truly cared and wanted me. As soon as I let myself fall, he pushes me away, and I end up really hurt. I can tell he still cared because he was crying when we said goodbye. He just kept reiterating that I deserve better. If he didn't want to be with me, I wish he wouldn't have led me to believe he did and that I could trust him. He told me it wasn't anyone else, he just wants to be by himself. I know I have to accept it, just feeling very confused and hurt by the complete switch and have no idea what changed. I went on a work trip for a few days, and he mentioned that he felt we grew apart during that period, but it was only a few days... Some people love the pursuit, but once they have what they want, the thrill dies. Once he had you, there was little to no effort to keep you. He is looking for his next pursuit and/or he found someone better. Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 (((Hugs))) The process of dating is to find long-term compatibility, if this is the long-term goal. If it starts out great, it doesn't mean it will end up that way. After the honeymoon phase (2-3 months), people start to realize it's working or it's not. It may progress to six months, and even nine months, and even a year. At some point, if it's not working for one of the couple, it's time to cut the strings. It sounds like he was feeling it for awhile, thus his suddenly being too busy. He didn't have the desire or investment to carve time and make time...you were slowly becoming another burden. That's not to say you did anything wrong, it's only that he realized you're not long-term material for him. His feelings changed. It hurts tremendously. For you, this is sudden. For him, he's been feeling this for a long time. Of course he was emotional. He does care for you, and he has enjoyed you very much, but you as his significant other is not working anymore. He doesn't want to hurt you, but there are no choices here...he has to hurt you, and this hurts him. Not all relationships work out, and it hurts, and it makes you angry you invested your time, heart, emotions, and energy for a big fat nothing, but this is dating. None of us has a crystal ball to predict these things, and it's always a risk that 6 months, 6 years from now, the relationship is just broken...it's not working. It's harder when you have no indication that anything was wrong. I think once some time has passed, you'll start to see some signs you missed that he was pulling back and might even recognize some "why's," and you can self-reflect on if this is something you "did wrong" or if he just outgrew your relationship. You just have to trudge forward and move on. Don't try to "be friends" with him. He is now a part of your past. You won't get answers. You will never know what the reasons are. It could be the simple reality that he just wasn't "feeling it" anymore. Have you never been in a relationship where you were all in with a guy, and a few months later, you just were not? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 I am very sorry this happened to you. I remember the same happening to me when I went back to dating and had little experience. Everything this guy said and did it typical of a man on the rebound. He pursuit you, enjoyed you, then when things were not 'feeling new' anymore he got bored. All his speech about you being the salt of the earth is about easing his guilt for misleading you, he had known for a while you were not the one. You acted cligny because you felt a shift in him. When a man is into you even if he works around the clock he will make sure to nurture your connection. Also you said you dated a few months, if it's under 3 months than it's common. Most 'new' relationships don't make it past 3 months, it's the mark where you decide if you take it from dating to being in a relationship. It's often when men go Poof! Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 I feel that maybe had I not demonstrated I needed so much it would've been fine. I think I got too needy and it made him think he couldn't give me what I wanted, but I wish I would've been more understanding. You're probably right. But then your post here would have been along the lines of "I'm really trying to be patient and understanding, but I feel so left out of his life". And we would have told you that the problem here is incompatibility and that you'd be better to move on and find someone who can meet your (quite reasonable!) needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Missy Love Posted October 15, 2017 Author Share Posted October 15, 2017 (edited) I tend to be someone who falls harder the more invested I get, so as time goes on I get more deeply connected, so I haven't "fallen out of love" in any of my prior relationships. I guess I'll never know the answers, so just have to move on. He did what I wasn't strong enough to do myself, I guess, cut the cord when he realized we were incompatible. He said he knew he wasn't being fair to me and will miss me. And I did want something more, I never felt like I was really introduced his world or his life. There's still a part of me that hopes he comes back around, but I can't hang onto that. Edited October 15, 2017 by Missy Love Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 There's still a part of me that hopes he comes back around, but I can't hang onto that. Something much better is waiting for you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dispatch3d Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 Why were things rocky at one point? You never specified. You mentioned making out but did you go farther? Just wondering if he plainly got scared or if he thought it wasn't going anywhere. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trust666 Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 I'm going through something similar. It makes the healing and moving on so much harder. I had been with some I knew for 25 years, she was my first serious girlfriend who came back into my life recently and we dated for 6 months. She actually made plans for us to go down the beach days prior, we went down the shore everything was as it had been. She was intimate with me, made future plans, we got home and hours later she dumped me over the phone. It's been a while and I started to realize what it was after some distance from the relationship. She mentioned talking to an old high school friend days prior to dumping me. She left me for another man. She gave me all the usual excuses and reasons someone uses who just does not want to be bothered. In the end I wish we went full NC right away...once I heard there was another man I felt like total *****. Go full NC and I understand hoping they come around, but they will just hurt you more in my experience. Do you really want another shot with someone who could change their mind on you so quickly? Could you ever trust they won't do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Missy Love Posted October 16, 2017 Author Share Posted October 16, 2017 Things got rocky when he started to get busy with his career, and I would ask to spend more time with him. I think I was getting to be too demanding of his time and concerned that something might be wrong since he seemed more distant. I got upset that he couldn't come to a friend's party on a weekend because he had to work all day. He said I would distract him from his career. His main reason for ending is that he felt like he couldn't give me what I wanted / needed in terms of time. He stopped initiating as much, but explained it was just related to work. I thought he cared more about me than to just give up because his career was busy. Like I said, he also got emotional when he ended it, saying someone else could treat me better. We were both emotionally and physically intimate. I've accepted it and just moving forward now. Link to post Share on other sites
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