Want reconciliation...what are my chances here?

[iwonttoday]

Summary of relationship:

Both 38, 1 year together, grew close at a steady pace, ultimately included our kids and began to behave like a family with weekend trips and spending the night at each others places, etc.

 

The troubles:

3 weeks ago we started having some trouble. Missed dates because of job or kids or sickness, etc. Tension from difficulty in seeing each other. We were planning some holiday events and vacations and they all had complications (picture: airline ticket problems, conflicting dates, expenses etc.) We were both "all in" on these decisions but it was wearing us both out.

 

The breakup:

He starts to get distant, I start to feel neglected. A push/pull scenario is going on. I end up confronting, he says he feel smothered. We argue, and he decides this is going to work - lets throw in the towel. Harsh words are exchanged.

 

Post breakup:

Very next day we're saying apologies for the harsh words. How much we'll always respect each other and love each other. I start to say how if we'd just communicated better maybe we wouldn't be done. I ask if we can wait some time and decide to give it another try.

 

A week later we meet up to talk in person + exchange stuff. We have brunch and talk about what happened. We both admit that things had become like a chore. We walk through a few things that happened and discover some misunderstandings. There were a lot of "oh I didn't realize ABC" and "I shouldn't have done "XYZ". We hugged a lot. We both admitted to being really happy in the relationship before these couple weeks of troubles. I reiterated that I'd be willing to work through things and he said he needed time to think it over, considering all the new information we'd uncovered.

 

We agreed to take some time - we didn't set a date but he stated he would not 'string me along' and we agreed to stay in contact. We told each other we love each other and parted.

 

The Time apart

Didn't talk for a few days - wanted to respect his space. Sent a friendly text at the end of the week - that I hope he has fun at this event I knew he was looking forward to and that I wish we were going together. He responds that yes, it would be fun to go together and that the kids will probably wonder why we aren't.

 

Of course I wanted to say "Well I wonder why we aren't too!!!" but I didn't. I just leave it at 'have fun and send pictures' - he says he will, and I should too!

 

And that's where we're at. I'm curious about everyones thoughts on our chances of working things out here. I mean, I see a few positives:

 

1. When I asked to meet, he met me. He could have just as easily said no, and that he'd leave my stuff on the doorstep or something.

 

2. It was a pretty mature and positive conversation - we said I love you to each other.

 

3. He did say he would think about it, and not string me a long. I genuinely think he is weighing the pros and cons and trying to figure out if the whole relationship was the problem - or just the period of cruddiness at the end.

 

4. He responded to my text later in the week. He said it would've been good to go together. Didn't ask me to go, but knew I couldn't cause of a conflicting party.

 

I'm wondering how long is enough of a period to "take some time to think" but also "not string me a long". Should I give up or play it cool? Should I expect a definite and clear answer or expect that he may just fade out instead of having to say something definite? (Although I don't think that's his style TBH)

 

Okay What do you guys think?? Thanks for reading!

[galamoosh]

>he says he feel smothered.

 

That's all you need to know. Don't reach out to him ever. He needs the chance to miss you and every time you reach out you'll just make him feel smothered. Let him come back in his own time.

[Blanco]

You mention both having children. Are these from previous marriages or what? How long have those relationships been over?

 

I ask because it sounds like you both were caught up in the excitement of a new relationship and now, as that new car smell wears off, there's a lot of the day-to-day stuff which can be mundane and even taxing on a relationship.

 

To me, the smothered part suggests that he's realized that at some point, you will need to begin blending your families if the relationship is to progress. That is a huge step and one that isn't to be taken lightly. It wouldn't shock me if that is why he's pulled back.

[iwonttoday]

>he says he feel smothered.

 

That's all you need to know. Don't reach out to him ever. He needs the chance to miss you and every time you reach out you'll just make him feel smothered. Let him come back in his own time.

 

Eh...idk. We've been involved for a good amount of time and we're both nearly 40. I'm all-in for respecting space, but we're too old for game playing. Yes, some things have gone wrong in our relationship...and it may not reconnect. But I think we both concluded that him feeling "smothered" and me feeling "neglected" were both based on some miscommunications, expectations, and just being tired-damn-single-parents who can only be good at dating so much.

 

I respect him needing time. But no, he shouldn't just come back "in his own time" - it should be within a respectful consideration of our time and level of seriousness to each other.

[iwonttoday]

You mention both having children. Are these from previous marriages or what? How long have those relationships been over?

 

I ask because it sounds like you both were caught up in the excitement of a new relationship and now, as that new car smell wears off, there's a lot of the day-to-day stuff which can be mundane and even taxing on a relationship.

 

To me, the smothered part suggests that he's realized that at some point, you will need to begin blending your families if the relationship is to progress. That is a huge step and one that isn't to be taken lightly. It wouldn't shock me if that is why he's pulled back.

 

Our children are from prior relationships. The kids are about the same age - his relationship was over far earlier than mine but was also less serious (I was married for many years - they only dated briefly)

 

I gotta tell you - I was not naïve when I started dating a nearly 40 yr old man who had never been married. Of course that was a red flag. The thing is - though we were both cautious about integrating our kids - we both ended up feeling really into it. I'm not just imagining things - he said so during the breakup - we were both really really into how far we'd grown into a family dynamic.

 

But - yes. I was married for 15 years and own a home and had kids on purpose and yada yada grown-up stiff. Whereas he had a kid on accident (but is a great dad!) and never married and has a lot less life experience.

[CC12]

We both admitted to being really happy in the relationship before these couple weeks of troubles.

 

Honestly, I think if he was really happy for the whole year that you were together, he wouldn't have ended it after a difficult couple of weeks. There was probably more to it.

 

If he really did break up with you only due to some travel complications or missed dates, then he's not a reliable person. And you probably shouldn't want that kind of thing in your life.

[iwonttoday]

We both said we'd be consulting our therapists during our "consideration time" - ands mine said neither of us were wrong. Of course I didn't smother him on purpose and of course he didn't neglect me on purpose. We're older people when it comes to relationships and carrying a lot of baggage. But there's SO MUCH here that makes it worth working out.

 

Therapists are pretty objective though. IDK. I feel like we're both being dumb asses throwing away something great. I know we're both going to regret this!!

[iwonttoday]

Honestly, I think if he was really happy for the whole year that you were together, he wouldn't have ended it after a difficult couple of weeks. There was probably more to it.

 

If he really did break up with you only due to some travel complications or missed dates, then he's not a reliable person. And you probably shouldn't want that kind of thing in your life.

 

That's totally fair - except - he didn't instigate the breakup. I really pushed my hand and got, admittedly, pretty nasty when I brought it to a head.

 

On our last meeting he said without promting that before this stress period went on he was "really happy"

[iwonttoday]

That's totally fair - except - he didn't instigate the breakup. I really pushed my hand and got, admittedly, pretty nasty when I brought it to a head.

 

On our last meeting he said without promting that before this stress period went on he was "really happy"

 

To add to this - he's always been an honest guy with me. I believe his words when he says them and rarely search for a bunch of subtext. He's a pretty good guy.