How do I tell my wife she's overweight?

[earle1998]

I have been very happily married for a year and a half now. I love my wife and get along with her better than anyone else in the world. We have never had a fight or even a heated argument. She has been a little overweight (15-20 lbs.) since I met her. It never really bothered me but now it's more like 40 to 50 lbs. over. She has told me in the past that she is very sensitive about this subject, so I'm reluctant to bring it up. She has tried dieting and that didn't last 2 weeks. I have tried to get her to play tennis, walk, go to the gym. These all last about 2 weeks and she stops. She's only 30 years old and I'm afraid this is getting out of control. I'm no marathon runner myself but I am trim and maintain myself.

 

I know it's affecting our sex life because I do find the extra weight a turn-off. Is there a way to approach this without being hurtful?

 

-Trying to be sensative.

[alphamale]

next time she asks you if she looks fat in her new dress just say "yes"

[JPMorgan]

Originally posted by earle1998

Is there a way to approach this without being hurtful?

 

Probably not. You could take over meal preparation and prepare only healthy, lo-cal meals. Make exercise part of your life and insist that she share it with you because you are concerned about her health.

 

Do you have a pool or lake available to you? Swimming is one of the best exercises there is and it can be fun and romantic - go swimming at least three times a week and make it a romantic adventure just for the two of you.

[Merin]

I would suggest telling your Wife that you think she's beautiful, that you love her and you're concerned for her health...

 

Make certain when she is on a diet, that you're not sabotaging her by bringing home things she shouldn't be eating, or you yourself eating things in her presence that would be tempting...

 

Start walking with her, or doing other physical activities to help her get some excersize....

 

Bottomline, support her and don't make her feel badly about herself.

 

Good Luck

[New_Wife]

Well, how would you want her to tell you that you suck in bed? (not in the 'oral sex' way, in the 'ugh, I could'a had a V-8' way).

 

Work from there.

 

I'm not joking here - the sensitivity is about the same. There's no good way to do it, but you do have a right to want your mate to be healthy and attractive to you. What sports do you enjoy together? Can you join a co-ed softball team or take up bike riding together? Can you take over the grocery shopping, or go along, and rid the household of fatty or high-carb items? Otherwise, you may just have to bite the bullet and tell her that you want the two of you to get in better shape together.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by earle1998

We have never had a fight or even a heated argument.

This is abnormal. It means one person is giving in all the time and it sounds like you.

 

It never really bothered me but now it's more like 40 to 50 lbs. over.

And then it'll be 75lbs, then 100 then 125......put and end to it NOW

 

She has told me in the past that she is very sensitive about this subject, so I'm reluctant to bring it up.

so what if she is sensitive about it! what about you? grow a spine and tell her how you feel and don't hold back....

 

 

-Trying to be sensative.

you can be a bit sensitive but don't be TOO sensitive otherwise you'll get walked all over...

 

good luck

alpha

[earle1998]

Thanks for the advice. And so quickly. The dress comment was funny, but I don't think I could do that. I don't take things too seriously, but this is really bothering me. The hint dropping hasn't worked, so I guess I'll have to be more direct.

[LucreziaBorgia]

What if you suggest starting some exercise together (even if its just twenty minute daily walks), and scheduling wellness checkups at your doctor in preparation for it - and letting the doctor tell her. For all you two know, she could be heading up to Type2 Diabetes territory. He will surely suggest that she lose some weight.

 

It might be better coming from him/her as a preventative health measure, and that way you and she can start working out together, and spend your time enjoying each other's company instead of her being burned at you for focusing on her weight. At least this way, you'll both be getting yourselves in shape and it will look more like a health concern coming from you rather than a 'attraction' thing.

[Cpunch75]

jpmorgan wrote:

"Probably not. You could take over meal preparation and prepare only healthy, lo-cal meals. Make exercise part of your life and insist that she share it with you because you are concerned about her health."

 

 

you can't change someones eating habits/patterns by "taking over" meal preparation. The wife has to step up and claim responsiblity for her life. Her life is comfortable, shes married, and her husband is being too sensitive, like alpha stated. If she pleases her husband by eating better meals, but deep inside is craving twinkees, then she will probally have a shoebox full of twinkees and cupcakes hidden somewhere so she can binge on them when her husband isnt present.

 

Her self image is the main problem, because she has always been "slightly overweight", she needs to change her self image of herself as being "overweight" to someone who is committed to a fit lifestyle and has a decent diet. then she will do the necessary functions to get rid of her weight problem.

 

when she says she doenst want to address her weight problem, she's lacking someone to push her out of the comfort zone. change isnt easy.

[New_Wife]

Yeah, there's just not a good way to approach this. If my hubby were to re-grow his belly, it's simple, I'd say "Okay Buddy, no more Mc'D's for you for a bit." He'd laugh, and stop with the fries until belly went away. Sadly, for him it's that easy!

 

Women, on the other hand, are trickier. Both in the value we give to food as a comforter, friend, and enemy; and on the natural insecurities with our bodies. That being said, if my husband got too overweight, I'd have to put an embargo on sex for a bit because it would gross me out. Sorry folks, I am that shallow. I don't imagine he'd feel any differently. If he suddenly grew another nose, that'd turn me off too.

 

I guess, however you say it, it's gonna suck. But you do have the right to want a fit and healthy mate. Sorry Friend.

[Cpunch75]

"Women, on the other hand, are trickier. Both in the value we give to food as a comforter, friend, and enemy; and on the natural insecurities with our bodies. That being said, if my husband got too overweight, I'd have to put an embargo on sex for a bit because it would gross me out. Sorry folks, I am that shallow. I don't imagine he'd feel any differently. If he suddenly grew another nose, that'd turn me off too."

 

 

so basically, you dont associate sex with love, rather you associate it with lust and getting off. true love is being open to sex unconditionally.

[New_Wife]

I didn't say I would stop loving my husband. I love him no matter what. But would I be turned on my him if he got huge? No. I wouldn't be turned on if he got a huge rash either. If he gained 10-20 lbs, no big deal. But more than that - yeah, I'll admit it, I don't like. He knows this, he accepts it about me. I don't really see the problem here. Part of being committed is having certain understandings about each other's expectations, and one of mine is that he not follow in his father's footsteps and have his first heart attack before he turns 40. I also pushed him to quit smoking. Your point would be?

[Cpunch75]

Instead of telling your husband that you are concerned for his weight rather than criticizing his weight and characterizing it as a turnoff will only breed resentment from him towards you.

 

So what if your husband got into a car accident, and badly scarred his face..........would you say to him, "honey you need to get surgery before we become intimate again" because its 'turning me off'.

 

Shallow!

[New_Wife]

A disfiguring car accident would be an event he could not control. I would neither judge him nor leave him for it. His weight, activity level, eating habits, smoking, cholesterol (to some degree) and general health and well-being are all things he can control.

 

Part of our bond is in being two healthy active adults. I love doing things with him. If he voluntarily chose a sedentary lifestyle that precluded those things, I would be dissapointed. I don't see why you are so riled up by this?

 

We regularly play softball together. If he got slovenly, stopped eating well, put on a pot belly, and no longer could play - obviously I would not play with him. But it would sadden me, and take away part of what we enjoy doing together.

 

To want my partner to be as healthy as can be is not the evil thing you seem to want to paint it out to be. That I would not find him as desirable - both physically and emotionally - if he got lazy and stopped taking care of that is not a personality flaw.

 

Look at our society as a whole - we've gotten bigger, more prone to diabetes (adult onset) and stuck to the TV or video games than ever before. Our children's generation is the first to actually have an obseity epidemic. Why should I buy into that? Why accept something that does not have to be.

 

Is the real problem what I say, or that it's too close to home?

[JS17]

I'm curious as to why your wife is overweight. It's difficult for a woman to be 50 lbs overweight without a real reason. Is she an emotional eater? Does she have any kind of anxiety or depression issues? This is generally an issue with people who are obese, not just overweight but obese. The suggestions that everyone made here are great if she's a bit overweight but if there's a deeper reason then trying to get her to exercise and eat healthier won't really work, she'll find a way around it. What is her family history like?

[whichwayisup]

Be abit tougher and say I want us join a gym together, something we can do together. I need the workout and it's a fun way to get into shape - Together.

 

Or pick a sport you both like that involves some running. Like Frisbee in the park or even every night taking long walks together. Do pilates, get a video and just take charge!

 

Change the diet at home. Less carbs, more fruit, veggies and chicken. Cut down on junkfood, desserts, and food that have alot of sugar or MSG in them.

[clandestinidad]

I think you already know HOW people lose weight.....but youre asking how you should TELL her. And I agree with new_wife, there is no way to sugarcoat this one....youre just going to have to do it.

 

I'm curious what subtle hints you've already given her.....b/c you said that she didnt seem to pick up on them.

 

Anyway, I agree that you should include her health in this....but also reassure her that you love her deeply. Say something like "it seems like lately we've gotten a little bigger, probably because we eat foods that arent very healthy, and I'd feel better if we ate better and worked out together.....and I really think that doing it together will make me feel even closer to you"

 

she'll probably ask you about her own body....and you should tell her the truth; That she is still attractive to you, just a little bigger....but QUICKLY tell her something about YOUR body that you'd like to work on....maybe its a belly, or muscle tone....I dont know, whatever you think

 

but the important thing is to find some way to include yourself in this...and to make it about togetherness, and tell her that it will make you feel even closer to her by accomplishing this together

[earle1998]

I did it. It was as just as painful for both of us as I suspected, at first. Then we talked about it and it was ok.

She has a great sense of humor and we've been laughing about it ever since. Yesterday, she even thanked me for bringing it up and she already has a weight loss plan in effect.

Thanks to everyone for your input!!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

That's great. Someone posted in a "losing weight" thread that it should be about prolonging your life more than just losing weight.

 

This should go for both of you. Maintaining a healthy lifestyle, your cholesterol level, a good fitness level etc etc is important, and a healthy weight will follow.

 

Don't make it all about the weight loss. Throw out the scale too!

[clandestinidad]

oh yay!!! I'm so glad it went well! I'm curious what exactly you told her.....since it went so well, you obviously said/did the right thing, and maybe you can advise other men out there about how to handle this

[johan]

If it were me, I'd probably start talking about how I should really make some time this weekend to fix some of the furniture. Seems like the dining room chair legs are getting looser and unsafe. And the bed frame needs tightening back up. "Not sure what's up, seems like it's getting more wear and tear lately. Guess we're getting heavier or something, Honey." Then give her a kiss and forget all about it.

[JS17]

Originally posted by johan

If it were me, I'd probably start talking about how I should really make some time this weekend to fix some of the furniture. Seems like the dining room chair legs are getting looser and unsafe. And the bed frame needs tightening back up. "Not sure what's up, seems like it's getting more wear and tear lately. Guess we're getting heavier or something, Honey." Then give her a kiss and forget all about it.

 

oh no, i don't know if that was serious or not but don't say that EVER!!!!

[johan]

Originally posted by JS17

 

 

oh no, i don't know if that was serious or not but don't say that EVER!!!!

 

 

I think it's BRILLIANT!! Maybe I'd leave off the "we're getting heavier" part.

 

Replace that with something like, "what do you do when I'm not here anyway? Why is the furniture falling apart?"

[JS17]

That will strike fear in her...."OMG, he thinks I'm fat"......straigtforward is the way to go and the health angle will help.

 

I went from a size 2 to a size 4 when I was with my ex, in grad school, and working full time because I didn't have time to go to the gym as often as I had before. He once said to me jokingly, "you're squishy. you really let yourself go once you got a boyfriend huh?" A year later and I still remember that, it stuck in my brain.

 

I had to confront him about his very unhealthy gut and I told him that I thought he was the hottest boyfriend ever with or without it but it would help his back problems if he worked out a little bit more and I wanted him to be healthy and happy.

 

I don't know, which one would you rather hear?

[johan]

Originally posted by JS17

I had to confront him about his very unhealthy gut and I told him that I thought he was the hottest boyfriend ever with or without it but it would help his back problems if he worked out a little bit more and I wanted him to be healthy and happy.

 

I don't know, which one would you rather hear?

 

Well, as for myself, I'd rather hear your version. And I'd have no problem delivering a message like that to a guy friend, although my version would still be more fun. Giving the soft "I just care about your health" version to a woman generally gets translated to "I think your a huge fat ugly pig!" before it ever reaches her brain. Of course I could take the Alpha tactic and just walk away and let her deal with the impact of that on her own, but I don't really need the grief either way. I'd rather take the tear-free route and have her come to the conclusion on her own.