How do I tell my wife she's overweight?

[RecordProducer]

In the winter I gained 6 extra kilos (about 13 lbs). My BF was watching my pictures from the summer and said "Honey, you were thin! I want you to look like this!" Then asked me about zillion times if I have lost weight (we're in LDR) and it finally started pissing me off so I told him I was hurt and he stopped. I looked at myself and told myself "Yes, you are a fat cow!" and I lost the extra weight.

 

I think the thing with the picture was a cute way to let me know that he wanted me thinner. Better than if he came to me all serious and started circling around the subject as if he knows something that I don't. I just don't recommend the constant reminding. It shows your partner that you don't trust their efforts and intention to lose weight.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

 

I think the thing with the picture was a cute way to let me know that he wanted me thinner.

 

This is one of the very last reasons I would lose weight!

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by alphamale

This is abnormal. It means one person is giving in all the time and it sounds like you.

 

Why does it sound like the original poster is giving in? Maybe it is SHE who is giving in all the time . . . just something to think about. I don't think it's "abnormal." There is a lot of give and take (which is what a relationship is supposed to be) - and maybe their's IS. Just because they get along doesn't mean that only ONE person is giving in all the time. They've only been married for a short time. It's very likely that life hasn't thrown them anything to get in a big tiff over. And somethings just aren't worth getting in an argument over. Even if one person is giving in, it may not be abnormal (since probably many people do it), but it wouldn't be healthy for the relationship.

 

 

 

This is a most excellent post. Points to things that I would have asked had I been here sooner.

 

I'm curious as to why your wife is overweight. It's difficult for a woman to be 50 lbs overweight without a real reason. Is she an emotional eater? Does she have any kind of anxiety or depression issues? This is generally an issue with people who are obese, not just overweight but obese. The suggestions that everyone made here are great if she's a bit overweight but if there's a deeper reason then trying to get her to exercise and eat healthier won't really work, she'll find a way around it. What is her family history like?

 

 

Edited to add: But I don't think you have to tell your wife that she's overweight. I'm sure that she already knows.

[AliceW]

I don't know, this is a tough subject. I had an experience of this very issue from the other side recently, so maybe hearing my side of the story will be helpful:

 

Since meeting my BF two years ago, I first lost a few pounds and then gained 20 pounds (ending up stabilized at about 15 pounds heavier than I was when we met). That doesn't sound like a lot, but I'm a small person (5'3" and a tiny frame), so that amount of weight makes a pretty big difference in how I look.

 

He didn't say anything about it at first, but then started making these weird sort of oblique comments about weight in general...I don't recall the exact words, but in general he'd just mention that he thought fit, althetic people were more attractive, etc. Then, shortly after meeting my mother (who is quite overweight) he made a comment about something I was eating (something along the lines of "do you really need to eat that after the big lunch you had" that REALLY upset me.

 

I called him on it, and he made what I considered to be a bull**** comment about being "concerned about my health"--at that time I weighed 127 pounds, I was hardly medically overweight, even with my small frame! At that point I was becoming very unhappy about his attitude, so we had another conversation about it, and this time he said comething else that pissed me off: something about how he was worried that I didn't like to deny myself things and wasn't crazy about exercising, and that he was worried that I'd become heavier in the future (partialy because of my mother), and that having a fit partner was important to him...but basically, that translated in my head to "you're not only fat, you're also lazy."

 

So I thought about the issue a lot. I was unhappy about aspects of his atitude, but I also concluded that that I was unhappy with my own weight gain, and that while my being a few pounds heavier than I should be was probably not a big medical issue, it would still be far better for my health to exercise regularly and to make healthier food choices.

 

So I started a progarm of going to the gym every day (just 20 minutes cardio and some weight training, nothing crazy) and started eating more fruits and vegetables and less salt, fat, and sugar. I lost 5 pounds and toned up over a period of a couple of months. I feel better...I have more energy and less back pain, and I sleep better...and I do look better.

 

I spoke to him again about my ongoing concerns about his attitude, and he apologized to me for suggesting that I had no willpower, and also for not being more honest...he basically said that my weight gain had been starting to affect his desire for me, and that he didn't want that to happen, but that he was afraid to tell me that, so he made indirect comments instead. I told him that the indirect statements were more hurtful, and that in the future if I ever gain weight again that 'd rather that he respectfully tell me what his real concerns were.

 

I'm still heavier than I was when we first met by about 5 pounds (and heavier than I was at my skinniest by about 10-15 pounds)...and, truth be told, I'm still a little heavier than I personally would like to be. However, he is telling me that I look fantastic, so I *am* less worried that his standards are unrealistic. Nevertheless, I still have a lingering concern about the fact that his attraction to me was so centered on the physical that gaining 15 pounds would make a difference (even if that is a lot of weight for a small person like me). But on the other hand, I'm also happy that he encourages me to take better care of myself, so it's a mixed issue.

 

OK, I'm rambling a bit, but overall here's the moral of the story: be gentle but honest when you have conversations like this. Also, while I do think it's reasonable to want your sexual partner to take care of him or herself (people have the right to want a fit and healthy mate), be careful about making the other person feel objectified...people, espcially women, need to feel that there are other important elemenst in their partner's attraction to them beyond the physical.

[johan]

Remark on how the tires on the left side of her car are so much more worn than those on the right side. Then note how the opposite is true on your car. Or something along those lines, however you arrange your transportation. You get the picture.

 

The tires don't have to actually be more worn, you just have to be a guy and be "in tune" with the vehicles like women generally aren't.

[skye]

Chances are my friend... Your wife knows. Women in general are sensitive about their appearance and TRUST ME we are the first to know if we have gained a pound or two.. Several pounds....WE KNOW!!! and chances are your wife is beating herself up over it already.. When I gained weight after my husband and I's last baby.... I GAINED WEIGHT!!! I went from 126lbs to 180lbs... Big difference! My husband is an Angel though, he still looked at me like I was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on...and told me so. He was married to me "heart and soul" not "bones and flesh" and that is how marriage should be... someday your wife will be old and wrinkled and no part of her body will be in the place where it was when you married. Her butt will sag, her eyes will bag, but her heart will remain the same! Start there.... Losing weight will have to be a decision and a committment that she makes on her own... Unconditional love and affection will be the driving force for realizing her self worth and learning to reevaluate the way she takes care of her appearance... I did.. I work out 5 days a week and am back into shape.... It was not easy by any means... But it was for me and it was worth it... and I will be eternally grateful to God for sending me a man that cherished my soul...even when it was wrapped in "WAY TOO MUCH FLESH"... hope this helps..

[JigglyPuff666]

It's best to be honest and completely forthright about what you want to communicate, without hedging and without being cruel or emphasizing any one angle, Your spouse isn't stupid - he or she will get the message and then decide what, if anything, to do about it. After all, if you weren't in a committed relationship, he or she might just say "Buzz off!" and you'd have to take it or leave it. The same is true in this case: be prepared to stand by your honesty. Your conversation might go a little like this:

 

Spouse 1: "Honey, do you have a few minutes to talk about something?"

Spouse 2: "Sure: what's up?"

S1: "I want you to know that I love you and that I know I can trust you to listen openly to me when I try to express myself honestly."

S2: (warily) "Yeah - and?"

S1: "Well, not to build it up into a big deal, I just wanted to mention that I'm concerned about my feelings about your weight."

S2: "So, you're saying I'm fat?"

S1: "No, that's not it. I'm saying that you are who you are but I'm having a bit of trouble with the weight you are now."

S2: "Well, dickhead, you smell bad. And your paycheck's a joke!"

S1: "Wait a minute, just listen to me. This doesn't change anything in our relationship except that I'm airing something that's my essentially my problem. I appreciate all you mean to me and all you do. This is a minor thing I wanted to express, that's all."

S2: (leaping from the dining room table, rushes to the kitchen) (SFX: pots crashing, clanging)(S2 rushes out with an iron skillet) "Yeah, well express this you stinky-ass mofo: swing batta batta batta . . ." (S2 swings and connects, splattering blood on the damask tablecloth.

S1: "Oh . . . my . . . god . . . help . . . are you insane . . . ."

S2: (delivers final, mortal blow to S1) "I'll give you fat, you fat bastid." (drops skillet to the floor) (SFX: skillet clanks)

S1: silence, due to death

 

There you go. Surely you can see the possibilities here.

 

What works for me is this: Hey - she's gained forty pounds over ten years of marriage: cool, that's 4 pounds a year. If I expect her to age and lose that weight, lifestyle changes, i.e., drink two less beers a week and do nothing else, she'll get there in five years AND it will stay off. Her motivation? She's not getting any younger and every small advantage adds up to Mrs. Robinson-like appeal. Plus, I took a year to get fit, at least from an appearance standpoint, and sure enough, the sense of competition has her walking daily and generally being more active. Influence through right-living, I guess.

 

If she made no changes, all I'd have to do is simply decide to live with it or not. Very simple. The logistics or running away would be less than easy, but so what? I wouldn't be making her life a misery as a contant reminder of my use of the "F" word (Fat) around her for time distant and I wouldn't have to watch her waddle to the couch with a re-upped supply of Cheetos and Schmidt's.

 

If she made changes, I'd be wise to do even better with my fitness program because I'm not wel endowed enough (okay - at all) to compete with the potential a super hot babe who's also your spouse brings to the table. Best get those six-packs a-ripplin'

 

As Swami Reprimanda once said, "It is better to be fat and happy than to be fat and addicted to products containing Olestra." Amen to that, brother.

[NewHere]

as a woman I can certain see how this could make a difference, without hurt feelings and leaving your wife thinking YOU are fantastic

 

“When wives put on a lot of weight, it is almost always the fault of an inattentive or distracted husband. When their looks no longer mean anything to them, it's because they're married to someone who they don't think would notice anyway.

******Women love being attractive. [...] What woman doesn't want to be regarded as beautiful? How much more so a married woman who revels in her husband's attention. And when a wife suddenly starts growing a beard and doesn't go to a beautician, or puts on an extra load and doesn't run to the dietician, she is behaving unnaturally and we have to ask why.

******The blame lies with her husband who long ago stopped noticing her when she did get dressed up, so she concludes: ‘Why bother? With all the responsibilities I have with the kids, my job and running the home, why put time into my appearance when he never looks anyway.’

******The healthiest diet for a woman is to feed off her husband's compliments. When told by the man she loves that she is beautiful, a woman is given the incentive to live up to the compliment. Silence and indifference, however, bloat her up and make her fat.

******If your wife has grown too wide, encourage her to trim down – not by telling her she's fat, but by telling her she's gorgeous. Her feeling that you watch her beauty will inspire her to watch her weight. [...] There is a direct correlation between a husband's attention to his wife, and a wife's attention to her looks.

******The next time you notice your wife has added a couple of pounds, perhaps it is you, rather than she, who should be looking in the mirror.”

 

******- Rabbi Shmuley Boteach: Are husbands to blame for their wives becoming fat?

[SuperMonk]

Your woman is getting lazy, start eyeing other women to get her more interested in looking prettier.

[Leid]

Hi,

 

first, are you overweight, too?

 

If not, then do you exercise?

 

If not, then why not?

 

This just sounds like a great opportunity for you and the W to exercise together. You could even make it competitive and see who loses weight quicker. I've always been competitive w/ my b/f's and if one of them EVER tells me I'm fat, I'll hold up a mirror. I don't think it's ever cool to tell a woman she's fat, but if she does ask you, be honest THEN tell her what YOU'd do to help her lose that weight!

 

 

I have been very happily married for a year and a half now. I love my wife and get along with her better than anyone else in the world. We have never had a fight or even a heated argument. She has been a little overweight (15-20 lbs.) since I met her. It never really bothered me but now it's more like 40 to 50 lbs. over. She has told me in the past that she is very sensitive about this subject, so I'm reluctant to bring it up. She has tried dieting and that didn't last 2 weeks. I have tried to get her to play tennis, walk, go to the gym. These all last about 2 weeks and she stops. She's only 30 years old and I'm afraid this is getting out of control. I'm no marathon runner myself but I am trim and maintain myself.

 

I know it's affecting our sex life because I do find the extra weight a turn-off. Is there a way to approach this without being hurtful?

 

-Trying to be sensative.

[Sundax]

******- Rabbi Shmuley Boteach: Are husbands to blame for their wives becoming fat?

 

OMG! How about people take responsibility for their own actions instead of blaming others. What an extremely offensive concept. Rabbi Shmuley would make a lousy marriage counselor.

[newb]

Chances are my friend... Your wife knows. Women in general are sensitive about their appearance and TRUST ME we are the first to know if we have gained a pound or two.. Several pounds....WE KNOW!!! and chances are your wife is beating herself up over it already..

 

Not always the case. Since we got married, my wife started eating more and stopped exercising. That has resulted in a steady gain of 5-10 kilos a year until she now weighs about 50 kilos more than when we married 8 years ago. She seems totally unconcerned about it and chalks it up to being happy. I am not so happy to see the girl who once looked good in a bikini now with a big belly and rolls of fat that jiggle when she walks.

[dangel]

Chances are my friend... Your wife knows. Women in general are sensitive about their appearance and TRUST ME we are the first to know if we have gained a pound or two.. Several pounds....WE KNOW!!! and chances are your wife is beating herself up over it already..

Not always the case. Since we got married, my wife started eating more and stopped exercising. That has resulted in a steady gain of 5-10 kilos a year until she now weighs about 50 kilos more than when we married 8 years ago. She seems totally unconcerned about it and chalks it up to being happy. I am not so happy to see the girl who once looked good in a bikini now with a big belly and rolls of fat that jiggle when she walks.

[scobro]

Very Very carefullyb thats how you tell her;)

[fxvgds]

What sort of man are you? Encourage her to gain more and be thankful for her beutiful curves, try to see if you can encourage her to gain to 400+lbs, then you will understand how feminine fat is!

[GuySimple]

You don't. It would seem that something is bothering her. She probably senses that you are not happy and it is making it worse.

[loony]

Chances are my friend... Your wife knows. Women in general are sensitive about their appearance and TRUST ME we are the first to know if we have gained a pound or two.. Several pounds....WE KNOW!!! and chances are your wife is beating herself up over it already.. When I gained weight after my husband and I's last baby.... I GAINED WEIGHT!!! I went from 126lbs to 180lbs... Big difference! My husband is an Angel though, he still looked at me like I was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on...and told me so. He was married to me "heart and soul" not "bones and flesh" and that is how marriage should be... someday your wife will be old and wrinkled and no part of her body will be in the place where it was when you married. Her butt will sag, her eyes will bag, but her heart will remain the same! Start there.... Losing weight will have to be a decision and a committment that she makes on her own... Unconditional love and affection will be the driving force for realizing her self worth and learning to reevaluate the way she takes care of her appearance... I did.. I work out 5 days a week and am back into shape.... It was not easy by any means... But it was for me and it was worth it... and I will be eternally grateful to God for sending me a man that cherished my soul...even when it was wrapped in "WAY TOO MUCH FLESH"... hope this helps..

That's a great husband!

[loony]

be careful about making the other person feel objectified...people, espcially women, need to feel that there are other important elemenst in their partner's attraction to them beyond the physical.

Word.

[lindya]

dangel,

 

My concern would really be aimed at the fact that you're posting pictures of your wife on a public forum - and, presumably, inviting others to comment. I'm not someone who uses the term "abusive" lightly...but it's hard to think of another word to describe your decision to publicly humiliate her in this way. I don't normally report posts, but I do think it's important that the mods respect her right to some privacy re her identity (particularly as she's not the one posting here) and delete that post.

 

Fair enough to discuss a partner's burgeoning weight with them. Most people want their SO to be healthy and take some pride in their appearance. when concern becomes tinged with distaste and hostility, and manifests itself in humiliation of the SO, that's when the damage starts being done - both to the other person, and to the relationship overall.

[reddog63]

I had to deal with this with my wife. Most of the time the advice given is to say something about your concern for her health as some have said here. But truth be told, that was not the real reason for me and I would guess that would be the case for most men. Just meaning, the real reason is attractiveness. I tried to explain to my wife that it was an need of mine, just like she has a need to cuddle or talk or whatever. Society in my opinion has brainwashed women that the man should love me for who I am. They take a mans top need and make it sound selfish. Its not!

 

So, anyway, I would tell her that you love her, but you would like her to work towards getting fit, that you would do whatever to help.....watch kids, etc while she goes to gym, etc. That attractiveness is becoming an issue with the weight gain.

 

My wife said she understood my points I made but was on the fence on whether it was right or not. She finally came around and is now trying to get in shape.

 

And do not let yourself feel guilty for wanting this. And if two many years of inaction occur then you will need to make a decision.

[Lishy]

If your wife asks you if the dress she is wearing makes her look fat just reply NO darling ... it's your fat that makes you look fat!!!!!!