wanting a divorce after 6 months of marriage

[younggirl_13]

:(I do not know what to do, I need to hear from people who have been in my shoes before. I'm 22, my husband is 23 we dated for 3 years. I love him so much, my family loves him so much, but I still knew we shouldn't have got married way before it ever happened. It's so frustrating bc we love each other so much but we don't get along, we never have. I think he's controlling and he thinks I constantly bitch I mean it's been a never ending cycle of us hurting each other and I've always known it would never end. We are so comfortable with each other and that's a good thing sometimes but it also means we have no limits when it comes to fighting we scream and say the worst things to each other it's nothing for us to cuss each other out, even in front of our friends and I hate that. Sometimes the fighting even gets physical. I feel so stupid bc even on the day of our wedding we had been fighting the night before and I thought to myself "this is never going to last, we'll get divorced" I knew that even when we got engaged but I felt stuck and I DO love him so much so I went through with it. Now we are 6 months in and the bad days far outweigh the good. Sometimes I honestly feel like I've just thrown away any chance of me ever being truly happy in life. We both have verbally agreed to each other that we know we could be happier with other people. I come from a very close family with strong religious views and my parents have had the perfect marriage for over 30 years. They don't believe in divorce and neither do I. But I want another chance, I want to be happy but I know I will look so stupid to my family and everyone in my small hometown. I'm embarrassed and on top of that I love my husband so much I really do and the thought of him with someone else makes me sick to my stomach. How can we love each other so much but still not get along? I don't understand I'm completely lost and I don't know where to go from here. Getting a divorce after just 6 months of marriage just seems like someone else's story some crazy girl would do that, not me. I could not handle hearing what everyone would have to say about it, there's a girl that graduated with me that has already been divorced twice and I know what everyone thinks about her. I don't want to be that, I don't want people to see me that way.

 

I wanted to add this: I've always dealt with some serious insecurities with myself and anxiety. I think this played a huge part in the reason I never left before the wedding, it didn't matter how unhappy I was I felt like I couldn't go on without him. I'm not as close to my old friends now and I feel like I have no one. I know this sounds cliche and stupid but I've always felt like I literally wouldn't be able to live and go on with my life without him. That's why I just got married even though I was unhappy. I don't trust him for various reasons. He's manipulative and it just ****s my mind up confusing me between feeling happy, sad, disrespected and at times content. I don't know what to feel anymore, I just feel like I'm missing out on a normal happy marriage, and life.

Edited October 14, 2017 by younggirl_13
Additions

[d0nnivain]

Why oh why did you get married if you knew it was bad / wrong?

 

For the violence alone I think you need to get out. Even if your family doesn't believe in divorce, I find it difficult to believe that they would force you to stay in a unsafe situation.

 

If you & your husband want your marriage to work, you will need marriage counseling from a real therapist not some religious pastor or something. IMO you married too young & neither of you developed coping or communication skills. I mean you didn't bother to speak up about your concerns & went ahead & got married without thinking things through so clearly you don't make the best decisions but you are here now so if you want to honor those 'til death do us part vow you will both have to work.

 

I was old enough to be your parent when I got married. I had considerable life skills & so did my husband. My first year of marriage was one of the toughest of my life. I actually called my lawyer from my honeymoon begging her to draw up divorce papers. After 40 years of being independent I had to learn to function like part of a team & it was hard. Asking before I spent money; thinking about his needs not just mine; being nice when I was in a bad mood or sick; dealing when he was cranky. These were all adjustments.

 

DH & I read some books & took 2 marriage workshop weekends. It took a while but we found out time & place to talk about serious subjects. We would sit on opposite ends of the couch & face each other. We have since learned when / where not to talk -- first thing in the morning or in the car -- & now we can talk without having the formality of what we called "the sit down" but sometimes we still need that for big decisions.

 

So figure out what you both want -- to work to save the marriage or to get out & then do that.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Have you tried marriage counseling/therapy? I really think it could help here. You are both so young and if you truly want to change, you can.

[Just a Guy]

Hi younggirl, you've only been married six months. Could you not get an annulment? That would be easier than a divorce I think. The fact is that with what you have written, I think this marriage is doomed. you can get out now with little collateral damage or wait twenty miserable years with a couple of kids in the mix and then decide you cannot take it any more. What others think is the least of your problems. They are not living your life and they do not have to put up with your husband's bullying every day.

 

If you do not want to divorce then both of you should get counselling. First IC and then MC. If you folks are religious then talk to your pastor if you think that can help. However, I think you should tighten your belt and ask for an annulment. Warm wishes.

[Blanco]

Why oh why did you get married if you knew it was bad / wrong?

 

I suspect a lot of people do this. I'm in the prime age of people getting married, and I think I've only been privy to maybe three or four broken engagements. Ultimately, I think all of those people did the right thing. It's not easy, and it's unfortunate that more people don't have the courage to follow their instincts and throw a Hail Mary, hoping getting married will somehow work out the incompatibilities.

[2.50 a gallon]

I am not sure that marriage counseling could do the two of you much good.

I would suggest that you get a personal counselor in order to get your own life back on track.

dOnnivain hit the nail on the head, you married too early. You were a teenager when the two of you met, and in some ways you still are a teenager.

You still have a lot of growing to do. The person you are now is not near the person you will be at age 25, and the woman you be at age 30.

You only have one ride on the merry-go round, don't screw it up

My marriage too only lasted 6 months. As you we dated for three years, and even lived together for a year. We were so much in love. I was embarrassed when it failed. How could it go so wrong so quickly? I was devastated. It hurt so bad that I swore off from ever falling in love again.

For the next dozen years, whenever I saw love walking down my street and heading for my front door, I was going out the back door and down the alley as fast as my feet would carry me

I ran away from several what could have been great relationships.

I am now retired, have been with my current girl friend for over 20 years. She just became a great grandma.

Me I never had any kids, and wish I too could be a grandpa.

[basil67]

If it's any consolation, if we're talking about looking stupid - arguing in front of friends would make you both look far more stupid than if you divorced.

 

Speaking of friends, what do they think of your marriage?

[younggirl_13]

You're right I agree with that. Our closest friends also got a divorce after a year of marriage, and I think it really had an affect on us.

[younggirl_13]

Based on the laws for annulment in Alabama that is not possible for us. I would love to try counseling but I'm just doubtful it will help because I know how stubborn he is. I wish he would go to counseling on his own. His dad passed away just months before we met and I feel that he's never really dealt with the pain from that. He doesn't talk about it much and I think he has some issues of his own that could be stemming from that.

[Just a Guy]

Hi younggirl, in what way did your friends' divorce affect you? Did it cause you to think about your own divorce or did it give you a fright about what might happen to you two? If you think that staying together is not possible then sit your husband down and make a decision about divorcing and stick with it. Do not waste years of your life and then do the same thing at the end of that period. Warm wishes.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Donnivain, sorry I missed this before. Do you mean to say that you got married for the first time when you were forty? You hadn't been married before? If that is true why did you wait so long? I can imagine it being hard to give up your independence after forty years of being on your own. The OP has it much easier than you. She is still at an age where she can learn how to compromise and adjust without much trouble. Sorry for the hijack but your post just caught my attention. Warm wishes.

[d0nnivain]

Yes, I got married for the first (& hopefully only) time at 40.

 

 

I didn't marry earlier because the guy I lived with for 10 years starting at age 24 didn't "believe" in marriage. In the beginning that was OK with me but when I wanted marriage & he didn't, I walked.