From Boy Friend To The Other Man

[hotwheels]

I have posted here before and received a lot of insight from others and I hope some can shed some light on my current situation. In my past post I talked about my mutual split from my ex girlfriend, how quick she became involved with someone else, how upset I feel etc... It has been only a month now since this started and I am working physically and mentally to better myself, but its hard. In this short amount of time she has moved on to another relationship that she said is different, they connect on a different level and that she loves him. My question is this, then why are we still spending time together and she still sleeping with me? She has told me that (her and I) connect on a physical level that is very intense, our passion over the las month has been one for the record books and that she still loves me. I still love her too and this is a problem for me. I still am not emotional over the split and her being with someone else so soon is tearing me up. I still need time to heal. In my mind I am still romanticizing our past relationship thinking one day it will great again. My heart and mind are in a epic battle here. My mind tells me this is so wrong on so many different levels, but get what you can and move on. My heart is still in love and tells me it is broken.

 

She said she still loves me for many reasons including our long history and also loves him. Is she that mentally detached from me to move on so quick?

 

One of 2 things need to happen here. 1. I win her back, she can't be 100% into her new relationship if she is still with me and commit to her or 2. Stop romanticizing about something that isn't there, get away from her. If she is doing this now it can happen again, why would I want that back in my life. It is emotional damaging to me etc...

 

Any help or opinions will be greatly appreciated. Thank You!

[Vivir]

hotwheels, I vote #2.

 

This is going to be a "Do as I say, not as I do" kind of response, because, unfortunately, I have done the exact opposite of what I am advising you to do.

 

She made her choice when she broke up with you. She then jumped into another relationship with another guy... which she is still in, "loving" you on the level to such a degree that she has made you the Other Man.

 

It feels so good right now.

 

It is intense and passionate, a lot of that intensity and passion falls under The Break-Up Sex Rule and the rest falls under The Affair Rule, where intimacy is heightened because there is, respectively, conflict and secrecy.

 

You know this. You typed it out in your post.

 

You know the pain comes later. Or now, since you are posting your concerns here. You already know what to do. You just have to do it.

[grassisorisntgreener]

The less interested you act toward her, the more she will wonder what you're up to. If you truly want to win her back (not that she deserves you, because she doesn't) you need to be busy when she calls you. Blow her off, cancel plans, etc. She isn't going to want a sure thing, clearly.

 

I know this sounds harsh and cold...

[Darren Steez]

Bro, you're not winning any war here. Think about it either the other geezer thinks he's exclusive with your ex so she's already cheating or she's told him you guys have just broken up either way who's winning here? She is, two dudes, she's sleeping with both of you (STD's)

 

You want to win her back? Why? Girl has dumped you, has moved onto another relationship (ultimately that's her long term goal) has told you she loves him and you've accepted this? She doesn't respect you and the more you cling on and "fight" for her the more you're setting yourself back. You should be moving on, kicked her to the curb. The sex is intense because she's cheating on the other guy now, just like she cheated on you and guess what, the sex is intense with the other guy as well.

[DKT3]

Usually, in these situations the "new" relationship isn't new, you know? I find it hard to believe she could be committed to you, break up and fall in love with someone else in that short amount of time.

 

The answer is simple, STOP. JUST STOP. Stop having sex, stop hanging out, stop talking to her. Don't allow her into your life.

[MJJean]

Look up "hysterical bonding". She's getting the extra kick of hysterical bonding sex with you after being with him and with him after being with you. She's having her cake and eating it, too. She will continue to do so until one or both of you decide to cut her off and walk away. If you're smart, it'll be you that walks.

[hotwheels]

Thank you all for your thoughts. We were together for over a decade. With any relationship we had our ups and downs. I have paid, made, did so much for her over the years it isn't even funny. I gave her all of me for a life partner, but it wasn't enough, she wanted the certificate saying we were married. I let myself become week and a door mat for her. We have been in a odd stage in our relationship for the last 2 years. She has said many times that I don't love her bc I wouldn't buy her a ring and that she was so over me bla,bla,bla, but she would never leave me. When you love someone as I did her, my actions spoke volumes. I know for a fact that she just met him the beginning of last month, she gave dead giveaway hints. At that time I asked her if she met someone and she said, "yes, got tired of waiting around for you." She still likes me in her life as a friend, but that isn't working for me. It is just a shock to me that she had to be so mentally detached from me for so long to move on so fast. She loves him? Wow, this guy must have some super powers, but if he did why would she still be"loving" me. Something that sucks is that back in the early summer, I bought her 2 tickets to see her favorite performer. The show is coming up soon and most likely she will take the new guy. I just paid big money for there date lol. I am doing much better than before and in time i will meet a more quality woman when I am ready. Thanks again all

[DKT3]

Thank you all for your thoughts. We were together for over a decade. With any relationship we had our ups and downs. I have paid, made, did so much for her over the years it isn't even funny. I gave her all of me for a life partner, but it wasn't enough, she wanted the certificate saying we were married. I let myself become week and a door mat for her. We have been in a odd stage in our relationship for the last 2 years. She has said many times that I don't love her bc I wouldn't buy her a ring and that she was so over me bla,bla,bla, but she would never leave me. When you love someone as I did her, my actions spoke volumes. I know for a fact that she just met him the beginning of last month, she gave dead giveaway hints. At that time I asked her if she met someone and she said, "yes, got tired of waiting around for you." She still likes me in her life as a friend, but that isn't working for me. It is just a shock to me that she had to be so mentally detached from me for so long to move on so fast. She loves him? Wow, this guy must have some super powers, but if he did why would she still be"loving" me. Something that sucks is that back in the early summer, I bought her 2 tickets to see her favorite performer. The show is coming up soon and most likely she will take the new guy. I just paid big money for there date lol. I am doing much better than before and in time i will meet a more quality woman when I am ready. Thanks again all

 

Being in denial doesn't help, "I know for a fact it's a new relationship" no actually you don't.

 

But really it's irrelevant, just move on with life without her.

 

Good luck

[hotwheels]

Viva: #2 is my path.

 

Grass: Im not going back. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Im not insane just a little hurt.

 

Darren: She has disrespected me for years, I will not the back up plan.

 

DKT3: I told her good luck with her new relationship and hope she is happy. I am much better off

[BTDT2012]

I gave her all of me for a life partner, but it wasn't enough, she wanted the certificate saying we were married.

 

She wants marriage, you won't give that to her. For your own piece of mind you should just end things.

[sandylee1]

10 years is a long time to 'just be a girlfriend'. Either you aren't the marrying kind or you didn't want to marry her.

 

A decade is more than enough time to decide if a woman is right for you.

 

You had the power before by not proposing .... She has the power now and having realised you won't marry her ..she's relegated you to her secret lover.

 

You need to walk away from it. Stop giving her that power.

[DKT3]

10 years is a long time to 'just be a girlfriend'. Either you aren't the marrying kind or you didn't want to marry her.

 

A decade is more than enough time to decide if a woman is right for you.

 

You had the power before by not proposing .... She has the power now and having realised you won't marry her ..she's relegated you to her secret lover.

 

You need to walk away from it. Stop giving her that power.

 

All depends on when the relationship started. I started with my wife when we were 16 &17 so after ten years I wouldn't have said it was too long. However we got married young .

 

OP, I truly hope you mean it, because she is far from done with you, she will keep wanting to have you around. My guess is if you go a while without talking to her she will try harder, maybe even leave the other guy and come back..just jump off the train and leave the station.

[hotwheels]

Yes, 10 years is a long time, but there were red flags along the way (she is selfish and complains where I am not). She was in her mid 20's when we started dating. Deep, deep down my gut was telling me something was wrong. I talked about it with her, and I thought things would change, but things never did and never will. DKT3, I won't go back. I am not a back up plan, anyway I don't see her leaving him, she said they are connecting on a level that we didn't. Over the last couple of months I have been working on bettering my self by loosing weight, etc... She noticed the change and even commented on it. I have my good days and bad days, and today is bad. Thinking of her with her new man makes me sick to my stomach! She did text me late today about how bad her day was. My response was brief and positive "tomorrow is a new day" she sent something back to me but I never responded. It just hurts, wonder if my pain will go away, wonder if this is how things are going to be, wonder if there is something better out there or this is the best I can do and confidence is low.

[sandylee1]

The problem is you didn't end it when you saw the red flags. She could feel like you were stringing her along with the hope of marriage...which never materialised.

 

Both of you should have realised it wasn't heading anywhere much sooner. 10 years is a very long time.

 

She's now mid 30s .... most women want to settle down, get married and start a family.

 

It's hard to know if she became selfish and her attitude changed when marriage wasn't forthcoming.... Or if she was selfish naturally.

 

Just a different perspective really... but bear in mind that she will need time to develop a new relationship to the point of marriage... she realises she had no future with you and her new relationship is hopeful....

biology doesn't favour women who want to mothers...and not many want to be an old bride...... especially first time round.

 

With that in mind ... she should leave you alone.

[harrybrown]

return the tickets.

 

do not pay for her to go with the new dude with your tickets.

 

have some respect for yourself.

 

NC and 180.

 

get tested for stds and move on.

[Marc878]

In reality the only one who can disrespect you is you.

 

You should block her and move on.

 

Being a doormat in this situation will just get you more of the same.

[somethingelse]

I would say it is best to move on. Not only for you, but for her. I can understand her desire to want to be officially married if that was her original gameplan, especially after 10 years. In past relationships, I have quickly moved on in an attempt to mask my pains from the last relationship. I imagine she has moved on so quickly in an attempt to get you to wake up and do what she wants. It's really a sad attempt but it's from pain. Probably not as much "detachment" as she is trying to feign (especially if she still sleeps with you). If the marriage card was the dealbreaker and that is still something you don't want... do yourself a favor and walk away while you still can.

 

 

- somebody else who is deeper in the OW hole and wish I got out sooner.

[burnt]

Hotwheels,

If you had a daughter, a little girl who turned into a woman and watched her stay with a man for 10 years without any hope of marriage, what would YOU advise her to do?

 

If a woman came to this site and said, she stayed with a man for a decade and asked for marriage repeatedly, asked for a committed relationship, but all he did was stay together and spend money on her, but never gave her that promise of being her husband, what would YOU advise her to do? Stay with him or leave him before she spends another decade in a relationship with a man who doesn't want to commit?

 

For most women, two things are typical:

 

(1) Marriage is more than just a legal document. It's a way for her feel "safe" in a relationship and find dignity and respect in her position. There is a difference in being a "girlfriend" and "wife". The position of wife comes with a lot of respect and emotional security and sense of permanence. "Girlfriend" is more like a temporary state, hopefully leading to something more committed. Very few women want to stay in the status of "girlfriend" forever. The second thing is most women also have a biological clock that men don't have to worry about as much. Biologically, there is limit to how long a woman can stay in a relationship without the prospect of marriage and possibly children. There is a difference between having an illegitimate child with a "boyfriend" and having a child with a "husband".

 

(2) For most women, out of genuine care, they tend to scream and shout about things that are concerning for a long time; but eventually when nothing changes, the letting go happens rather quickly. Please look up "wake away wife syndrome". I am getting the feeling that that's what your ex-girlfriend did--after trying for a decade, she finally gave up on you.

 

For her sake, I hope she finds someone who can give her what she wants--a committed relationship and the promise of marriage. It's clear that that's what she needs in her life. It sounds to me that she is having a hard time detaching herself from you because of the history. She did spend a decade hoping, dreaming and begging for a future with you. It is no surprise to me that she is mourning for the loss of her dream life and yet is forcing herself to move on because she had no other choice. I hope she stops seeing you completely, so that she can fully commit to the new relationship and I hope the new man can give her the happiness she has been searching for so long.

 

For your sake, it is also best for you to completely cut all contact, so that you can heal from the breakup. But to be perfectly blunt, you should also do some self examination, not just focus on building you up physically and emotionally.

 

(1) What made you stay in a relationship for 10 years, despite of seeing red flags? What will you do differently in your future relationships? You need to ask yourself what you need to learn from this mistake. That is, in the future, if you notice red flags, walk away, instead of sitting on the fence for that long lingering.

 

(2) Listen to the women you date in the future; they will usually tell you what they want and need. If you are not ready to give them what they need/want, they walk way before you both end up spending years heading on a dead-end road.

 

I hope my post doesn't come across as a criticism of you.

It's meant to suggest that you BOTH made mistakes by staying in a relationship, when clearly both should have recognized it should have ended long time ago. Now, sadly I think you both are hurting as a result.

 

It's not a "she's the bad one and you are good one". You both are loving, but just so unfortunately, not compatible.

 

I would suggest that instead of gradually ignoring her or playing mind games, ask her to meet in person one last time. Say all that you have to say; let her say all that she needs to say out loud. Peacefully end the relationship that needs to end for good. Do not stay as friends. It will do no good to either of you. You both need to move on.

 

I wish you the best.

 

I found this link to be very helpful: hope this helps you, as well, as you move forward:

[hotwheels]

I want to thank all of you for taking time out of your day and to put your problems on the side to help a total stranger. I forgot to mention 2 things. 1. This exact situation has happened before 6 years ago, and 2. We still work in the same office for the same company.

When things like this happen both parties have made mistakes, but where this is different is that I wanted to work on them. Years back I suggested couples counseling, well that didn't go over to well. She said its was not a couple problem it was a problem with me and she also said that her depression is because of me. (I got blamed for everything that was wrong with us). I mentioned we should go talk to someone as individuals, not a couple, to work on our issues so we can be better for each other. Well I went for some time, but to my knowledge she didn't (things were messed up because of me). I believe people are a product of there up bringing. Where my up bringing with good communication but lacked the push for standing up for myself, which is why today I have low self esteem and let myself be a door mat. This is surprising due to my profession. She had a verbal abusive father and learned to keep all her feeling bottled up. Such a sad situation for us.

I truly loved this woman and still do. I always wanted this relationship to work because I could see past her faults and knew there was so much more of a person, but the only person I can fix is myself. I have never went through such great lengths to work on relationship problems, but in the end it is what it is. We are 2 total different people, I like to communicate and work on things and she will play the blame game. It hurts when I know she is with another man, makes me sick. I am not ready to get back out there. Im working on my physical, mental and emotion health because this can't and won't happen again.

[hotwheels]

return the tickets.

 

do not pay for her to go with the new dude with your tickets.

 

have some respect for yourself.

 

NC and 180.

 

 

Cant return them, she has them both.

[TheBathWater]

I have posted here before and received a lot of insight from others and I hope some can shed some light on my current situation. In my past post I talked about my mutual split from my ex girlfriend, how quick she became involved with someone else, how upset I feel etc... It has been only a month now since this started and I am working physically and mentally to better myself, but its hard. In this short amount of time she has moved on to another relationship that she said is different, they connect on a different level and that she loves him. My question is this, then why are we still spending time together and she still sleeping with me? She has told me that (her and I) connect on a physical level that is very intense, our passion over the las month has been one for the record books and that she still loves me. I still love her too and this is a problem for me. I still am not emotional over the split and her being with someone else so soon is tearing me up. I still need time to heal. In my mind I am still romanticizing our past relationship thinking one day it will great again. My heart and mind are in a epic battle here. My mind tells me this is so wrong on so many different levels, but get what you can and move on. My heart is still in love and tells me it is broken.

 

She said she still loves me for many reasons including our long history and also loves him. Is she that mentally detached from me to move on so quick?

 

One of 2 things need to happen here. 1. I win her back, she can't be 100% into her new relationship if she is still with me and commit to her or 2. Stop romanticizing about something that isn't there, get away from her. If she is doing this now it can happen again, why would I want that back in my life. It is emotional damaging to me etc...

 

Any help or opinions will be greatly appreciated. Thank You!

 

You might have chosen a path here that feels like a better starting point to healing your pain than it would be to completely break it off with her, but the end point in which you will ultimately land from this will be far worse. It is likely that nothing we say or do will make it any easier on you, and you will continue to do what you really want to - which obviously you want to keep her in your life right now. You will have to go through it for yourself to experience it, and we'll be on the other side when you eventually get there.

[hotwheels]

Thanks Tuna. I do know that I will not rekindle a relationship with her. Some people are better at this than others, but this is tough for me. I have been conditioned over the years and it is hard to break that cycle. I have tried the NC and it works till she calls me. It will be ok one day.

[hotwheels]

Up Date. I wasn't ready for the relationship to end even though deep down I know it needed to. Even though she has a new boyfriend her and I are still doing boyfriend and girl friend things: dinner almost every night, sex almost every day, helping her with things she needs help with and she continues to tell me she loves me. She has been more affectionate towards me over the last month than ever before in our relationship. THIS IS HAPPENING BECAUSE I LET IT! It is because I am not over her, and she knows it.

 

We spent the last 3 days together going out, talking and making love. She told me that our "QT" time is like nothing else she has ever experienced, I told her a lot of it has to do with the love I have for her fuels the passion.

 

2 days ago I took her to dinner and a night cap at my place. Convo at dinner was light, fun and playful until I asked her how her schedule looked for the week. She told me that she was going to a event (which she talked about going with me months ago) with her new guy and that she feels bad that they don't spend time together. Well, it FINALY hit me like a brick wall. On the way back to my place I couldn't even say a word and when we got back to my place for "QT", I couldn't do it. While holding me so close and tight she asked me what was wrong and why I was so quiet. I told her that I would talk to her, but till then I needed time to compose my thoughts.

 

She left soon after and later that night I get the I love you, whats wrong text. I replied by saying I loved her too and I needed some time before I talk. She responded by saying that she was sad.

 

What am I thinking and feeling? Used, not a priority, the fall back guy, angry that she can move on so fast, She said that she probably wouldn't like if I moved on with someone new. I am upset with her, BUT I HAVE NOBODY ELSE TO BLAME BUT MYSELF for letting it get this far.

 

My question is should I tell her what Im thinking, feeling and tell her Im finished with this arrangement? or just walk away without saying a word?

 

Thanks for you thoughts during this difficult time.

[anika99]

Call her. Tell her that you cannot give her what she wants (marriage) and you respect yourself too much to be her secret affair. Tell her that you and she both deserve to find happiness and that it won't be found together. Then wish her well and end the call. Keep it short and to the point.