I lied to him.

[Daisychain137]

I went out with some friends after work the other night and had a great night drinking and dancing. My mm text me whilst I was out and I told him I was at home. I do not know why I lied to him- I just for that moment didn't need to tell him. He usually knows everything about me- where I am, who I am with and I just didn't want to tell him. Why did I behave this way?

 

I feel so guilty and I know if he finds out I lied to him he will be cross with me.

How do I learn not to be so hard on myself about this-

 

He lies every day to his wife and family- he has told me historically he will not leave his wife. The affair has been going on many many years now. Still can't let him go even though I am taking steps to try.

[hotwheels]

I can't offer a whole lot of advice, Im kind of going through something a little similar. By you trying to take steps, its taking a step in the right direction. Recognizing that a change needs to be made is half the battle.

[BaileyB]

Your post breaks my heart. For an independent young woman give her power over to any man, especially a man who doesn't deserve it... well, that is very sad.

[LivingWaterPlease]

You're most likely dealing with anger about the situation that has built up and been repressed for years to the point where you lashed out at him with a lie. If you don't break it off with him but just allow the R to play out to its natural end it seems to me it's going to end a lot more badly than if you just broke it off as your lie may be just the beginning of you doing other things to undermine the already untenable situation.

[HiCrunchy]

I went out with some friends after work the other night and had a great night drinking and dancing. My mm text me whilst I was out and I told him I was at home. I do not know why I lied to him- I just for that moment didn't need to tell him. He usually knows everything about me- where I am, who I am with and I just didn't want to tell him. Why did I behave this way?

 

I feel so guilty and I know if he finds out I lied to him he will be cross with me.

How do I learn not to be so hard on myself about this-

 

He lies every day to his wife and family- he has told me historically he will not leave his wife. The affair has been going on many many years now. Still can't let him go even though I am taking steps to try.

 

Oh dear. The moment you decide you are worth more than just an option is the day that you can break away from him.

 

Think about it. What do you want out of life?

Do you want a family? a marriage? a father that will be there for your children? maybe just a companion you can travel the world with?

 

This man isn't it. He hasn't been it for many years, and the longer you choose to remain him the longer these things will be out of your reach.

 

You have to take steps for real.

Break up, block and delete. Then start a life for yourself, move to a new city or join a new club or get a new job until you can fully move on from him.

You can do this!!

[Daisychain137]

Right now he is using the "silent" treatment so guessing he does know. He uses this form of abuse as he knows it upsets me and in his eyes he has control.

 

I am grateful for the replies- know what I have to do and it's finding the strength to do it. I am worth more than this- something I must start to believe.If I had my chance again I would never get involved with a mm. It's heartbreaking and once you are in the web harder to break free.

 

I am using this time while he is ignoring me to do some reflection.

[sandylee1]

This is sad. That you're wasting your life being a man's secret lover... while he gets the status of being a respectable married man.

 

You only get one life. Imagine for a moment either you or he passes away suddenly... neither could attend the other's funeral with an open declaration of your relationship status ...

 

It doesn't even have to be that extreme....

 

Surely you're worth than this?

[BaileyB]

Right now he is using the "silent" treatment so guessing he does know. He uses this form of abuse as he knows it upsets me and in his eyes he has control.

 

I am grateful for the replies- know what I have to do and it's finding the strength to do it. I am worth more than this- something I must start to believe.If I had my chance again I would never get involved with a mm. It's heartbreaking and once you are in the web harder to break free.

 

I am using this time while he is ignoring me to do some reflection.

 

Reading this post and your previous post, this guy is manipulative, controlling, and abusive toward you.

 

You are worth more than this. You may feel "caught in the web" but the good news is, you have the ability to change the situation by making another decision - every single day! Don't waste another day. I would encourage you to go to a women's centre to get some free counselling and support. Like a woman in an abusive relationship, I don't know that you will find the strength to leave without support. Good luck to you.

[whichwayisup]

Right now he is using the "silent" treatment so guessing he does know. He uses this form of abuse as he knows it upsets me and in his eyes he has control.

 

I am grateful for the replies- know what I have to do and it's finding the strength to do it. I am worth more than this- something I must start to believe.If I had my chance again I would never get involved with a mm. It's heartbreaking and once you are in the web harder to break free.

 

I am using this time while he is ignoring me to do some reflection.

 

How about reflection straight into counseling because you need it so you can finally end things with him. He is not a kind person, regardless of the cheating, he's a control freak, gives you the silent treatment (which is one of the cruelest and most intentional things to do) and makes you feel bad. what is it that you actually love about him?

 

You have the chance NOW to break free! Please, talk to your friends and family so you can gain strength to get yourself into counseling. Your life is the way it is because you choose to stay in the A. You can walk away at anytime! You're not obligated to him, not married to him. He is your affair partner who is NEVER leaving his wife. He will keep you on string as long as you want to play. Cut the cord! You deserve to be happy and feel good about loving someone. He isn't the one for you.

[smackie9]

He's married, this is just an affair....you owe him nothing, and he doesn't own you. You can screw anyone you want and do whatever you want. He is not your keeper. He has no right to question you. Maybe it's a sign you've had enough of his bs.

[BaileyB]

He's married, this is just an affair....you owe him nothing, and he doesn't own you. You can screw anyone you want and do whatever you want. He is not your keeper. He has no right to question you. Maybe it's a sign you've had enough of his bs.

 

Indeed, it is just an affair. You owe this man nothing and you can walk away anytime. Gather your strength, get some support, and do it.

[misspalmy]

dont feel bad you have the right to have a life, hes got his wife/

[Southwardbound]

I went out with some friends after work the other night and had a great night drinking and dancing. My mm text me whilst I was out and I told him I was at home. I do not know why I lied to him- I just for that moment didn't need to tell him. He usually knows everything about me- where I am, who I am with and I just didn't want to tell him. Why did I behave this way?

 

I feel so guilty and I know if he finds out I lied to him he will be cross with me.

How do I learn not to be so hard on myself about this-

 

He lies every day to his wife and family- he has told me historically he will not leave his wife. The affair has been going on many many years now. Still can't let him go even though I am taking steps to try.

 

I totally get this. Everyday my MM ... what are you doing, where are you going, first thing in the morning & later at night. It's his way of saying he's interested in what i'm doing when I'm not with him. But, it's also his way of keeping tabs on me. Does he give me the same information in such detail? No, he withholds. Why? Because I let him. I gave that power to him when I said yes, to this LTA relationship. Is it right to behave this way? No, in a normal relationship there is no way I would tolerate this. But, I do want him in my life, so I put up with it. But, do I always tell him everything? No. Sometimes I keep stuff back, that is what you do in an unequal partnership. Is it right? No, but then, being in an unequal partnership isn't right. You just have to learn to deal with it, if you wish to stay in that type of relationship.

 

But, when you do it, it doesn't make you feel good.

[BaileyB]

I totally get this. Everyday my MM ... what are you doing, where are you going, first thing in the morning & later at night. It's his way of saying he's interested in what i'm doing when I'm not with him. But, it's also his way of keeping tabs on me. Does he give me the same information in such detail? No, he withholds. Why? Because I let him. I gave that power to him when I said yes, to this LTA relationship. Is it right to behave this way? No, in a normal relationship there is no way I would tolerate this. But, I do want him in my life, so I put up with it. But, do I always tell him everything? No. Sometimes I keep stuff back, that is what you do in an unequal partnership. Is it right? No, but then, being in an unequal partnership isn't right. You just have to learn to deal with it, if you wish to stay in that type of relationship.

 

But, when you do it, it doesn't make you feel good.

 

It is an unequal partnership... Inherently. The married man holds most of the power and it is in his best interest to keep tabs on his partner because that is part of what allows him to maintain the unequal balance of power.

[Bufo]

Just keep score. The teams are: leave him and stay put. Which team is winning here? We're not robots spitting out identical advice. Most of us have been in similar situations and aren't just guessing to provide advice.

 

Which team are you going to sign with. You are, after all, a free agent!

[coolheadal]

I went out with some friends after work the other night and had a great night drinking and dancing. My mm text me whilst I was out and I told him I was at home. I do not know why I lied to him- I just for that moment didn't need to tell him. He usually knows everything about me- where I am, who I am with and I just didn't want to tell him. Why did I behave this way?

 

I feel so guilty and I know if he finds out I lied to him he will be cross with me.

How do I learn not to be so hard on myself about this-

 

He lies every day to his wife and family- he has told me historically he will not leave his wife. The affair has been going on many many years now. Still can't let him go even though I am taking steps to try.

 

If you have married man you can do whatever you want too an not feel guilty about it. He's with his wife he could be doing anything with her why should you wait for when he can sneak away from her to be with you come now are you serious. I don't like to lie but these people who are stilled married and won't leave their spouse for you, and you think can't have fun because you can't get them upset.

[freengreen]

So you want to be honest in an affair?.. good luck with that.

[Vivir]

Daisychain, I concur with all of the above posters.

 

I was honest with xMM, and it turns out I was the only one doing so and the only one losing out... and it took me a long time and a heap of loss to realize this.

[Daisychain137]

Thank you all for your reply. It has been a rocky couple of weeks.

 

Since Wednesday he has again started the silent treatment- usually I would be itching to hear from him and beg him to talk to me- today I just feel nothing. Maybe I have been hurt me so many times- I feel empty. Just going along with my usual life activities. He is out of town too which helps as I won't bump into him.

 

I recognise his behaviour is a tatitc to punish me for a fight we had on Wednesday. He wanted a explanation about the night I originally started this thread for- I didn't give him one and told him i don't need to. Silent treatment started from then. He will probably break his silence when he thinks I am ready to "explain" myself.

 

I had a therapy session yesterday- it grounded me. I am proud of myself for this step. The therapist taught me his actions are abusive and cruel and no one ever deserves to be silenced as a form of punishment. I am working with my therapist to detach from him and his control.

 

Just taking each day as a step forward. X

[Thingsfallapart]

I am a MM with a family and I loved my AP very much. I was going to leave my family for her because I thought she was the one. However, she started lying to me so much and started sleeping with other guys. After so many lies I wasn’t sure if I could trust her again. So I never left my family and we ended badly.

I still love her and think about her every single day though...

[sandylee1]

I am a MM with a family and I loved my AP very much. I was going to leave my family for her because I thought she was the one. However, she started lying to me so much and started sleeping with other guys. After so many lies I wasn’t sure if I could trust her again. So I never left my family and we ended badly.

I still love her and think about her every single day though...

 

That's the thing with relationships built on lies. The trust doesn't exist.

[elaine567]

I am a MM with a family and I loved my AP very much. I was going to leave my family for her because I thought she was the one. However, she started lying to me so much and started sleeping with other guys. After so many lies I wasn’t sure if I could trust her again. So I never left my family and we ended badly.

I still love her and think about her every single day though...

 

Ok but you were not exactly Mr StraightUpHonestAndTrue either were you?

Hot/cold, push/pull, I'm not leaving my wife, yes I am leaving my wife, no I am not leaving my wife, we are great together, we are split up, we cannot be together I am so mad and jealous, you cannot see other guys, but of course I am sleeping with my wife, we are on a break, I love you, I am leaving my wife, no I am not... on and on....

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/635931-painful-affair-end

A MM cannot expect a woman to be loyal to him and only him if there is no such loyalty on his part, no progress in the relationship and it al appears to be a waste of her time..

A relationship needs to be a two way street, most women will put up with so much, but after a while they start to cotton on to what is really going on...

Edited November 16, 2017 by elaine567

[BaileyB]

Thank you all for your reply. It has been a rocky couple of weeks.

 

Since Wednesday he has again started the silent treatment- usually I would be itching to hear from him and beg him to talk to me- today I just feel nothing. Maybe I have been hurt me so many times- I feel empty. Just going along with my usual life activities. He is out of town too which helps as I won't bump into him.

 

I recognise his behaviour is a tatitc to punish me for a fight we had on Wednesday. He wanted a explanation about the night I originally started this thread for- I didn't give him one and told him i don't need to. Silent treatment started from then. He will probably break his silence when he thinks I am ready to "explain" myself.

 

I had a therapy session yesterday- it grounded me. I am proud of myself for this step. The therapist taught me his actions are abusive and cruel and no one ever deserves to be silenced as a form of punishment. I am working with my therapist to detach from him and his control.

 

Just taking each day as a step forward. X

 

Good for you! It sounds like you have a good therapist.

 

My grandmother used to give people the silent treatment in an attempt to get them to do what she wanted. I used to think of it like a child throwing a tantrum... Which meant, I would typically not do what she wanted because I refused to reward such immature and manipulative behavior.

 

There is nothing to respect about a grown man who resorts to such immature and cruel behavior to manipulate others to get his way.

Edited November 16, 2017 by BaileyB

[jjgitties]

Dear OP, make sure you take the responses from some posters on here into context that (some of them!) are bitter older betrayed ex-wives who's lives have been flipped upside down by husbands leaving them and they post from a particular point of view.

 

I am not that and I will post form a older mans POV.

 

Given the fact that you dating/sleeping with a MM -- you guys in a relationship built on lies and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you lying to him about who and where you are. Always keep in mind that you are still a free single person and can do whatever you want with whom ever you want. You *chose* to be in a relationship with a MM who will not leave his family. Its your own choice. No one is forcing you to do that.

 

My other advice is, I don't know how old you are, but if you have any sort of dreams or plans on finding a life long partner and perhaps hooking up and getting married, don't let time pass you buy and your best years go wasted because you blew them with this guy. Sure, he may love you, but he's exactly like me, too chick-**** to leave his wife and family. Don't let the chick-**** screw up your own life and future. Don't let yourself turn into one of those late 30s or 40s women who keeps whining and complaining to anyone that will listen that they can't find someone because everyone good is taken.

 

best of luck.

Edited November 18, 2017 by jjgitties