Teo Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 I've been dating a guy for about 2 months. Everything was going well, we gat along, he tells me he loves me and we got pretty serious. But sometimes when he is very busy he doesn't show any care so we talked about it and he said he will try to call me more, text me more etc I felt like his work and other things were more important so it was ok till yesterday. He gave me the keys to his house so i can wait till he comes hime so i did. i was bored so i decided to play around on his ipad and just out of curiosity i checked the gallery... the only pics in it were of his ex gfs private parts, pics and videos of them having sex etc. The moment i saw that i just wanted to puke... he has his old phone always around and always charged even tho he doesn't use it so obviously, after seeing that i checked that phone too... and saw what I expected. more of the ex gf porn. he came hime and noticed im in a horrible state but i couldnt tell him i went trough his pics even tho I had no idea what i'll find. I blamed on a fight we had earlier. We had the ex bf/gf talk and I know about this one particular ex. He told me that when they dated he thought he will marry her. He told me that she's very sweet and asked me how I feel if he said something like that about an ex... didn't care much then. They broke up and got back many times because her parents hated him and eventually he moved and then she moved too. but earlier this year (few months after their breakup) she came home to visit and for that period of time the were together. then he told her its not gonna work with the distance and the parents and stopped talking. before he met me he ried contacting her but she ignored him... and unfollowed him on social media. he still followes her and likes her stuff tho... I asked if he still cares for her and he said no but rn i cant belive him. He tells me he loves me and it seems like he's trying but so many times i feel that he doesn't.... i can't help to think about his feelings for her and those pictures haunt me. Im not sure i can ever get over them but I'm afraid that breaking up with him might hurt me even more. I want to tell him but don't know how. maybe "find them by mistake" next time i'm at his place. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 NEVER get involved with someone who is still emotionally involved with an ex, it will be YOU that gets very hurt. He is already distancing himself from you and at 2 months that is a very bad sign. It is very easy to say the L word, but as he is not prioritising you so early in your relationship then his words and actions do not match up, do they? As for the ex porn being the ONLY pics in his gallery, he is obviously still obsessed with her... You know what you need to do... 8 Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 Well now you know why he acts like he does around you. The secret is out! You're holding on to a guy that's physically, mentally and emotionally still attached to his ex or as we say his true love. You are his distraction from her so the tries to fool himself to believe he can love you like his ex. But you see that hasn't worked for him. When a man has his ex photo, video etc from them, he's really truly in love with them. That's a very strong bond. Right now your could be considered his booty call, sex buddies or fornication partner or quickie another word. You do not have a concrete loving relationship with him. He doesn't want you really just wants to keep you as backup, safety net so many words but again means the same thing. As I stated you found out the truth, but your going to let it go and hold on to him. Your going to get seriously hurt by him because he wants the ex back. That's all he things about. You think about him but it's not the same way. Something to think about. You best tell him you know what's he's doing then watch him start with the excuses and lies. Never trust a man like this your just be hurt more. I am not going to tell you leave him, because you know how you feel about it. I feel sorry for you got someone that's not really into it was lie, he use / played you just to not think about the ex but she sure does. You overlook one thing you not on his computers as the background that tells you something right their. I rest my case. I with you luck your going to need with him like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 You are his rebound. Not a good place to be. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Teo Posted October 15, 2017 Author Share Posted October 15, 2017 You are his rebound. Not a good place to be. I've missed a few of the details and i made him seem like a total ass but hes not. He dated one other girl after the ext thing ended... the rebound... and left her after a month. I might be that too not sure... But its not like he is constantly ignoring me. we meet really often, he met my mom and he wants me to meet his. not of his 4 exes met her. I met all his friends and coworkers and was introduced as the gf. he's not using me for sex, waited till i was ready and never forces me, doesnt even try if im not well. he doesn't have any normal pictures of his ex just the sex ones... it might be true that he still loves her and is trying to forget her and fool himself... so after discovering i told him that sometimes i feel like I'm some random girl he found cuz he was lonely. and he said he's hurt by that because he really cares for me Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 This is why you don't go snooping around in other people's belongings. He gave you a key to his home, an act of trust, and you decide to spend that time snooping. Very few people will snoop ordinarily, unless they are paranoid or have control issues, but when their gut is screaming at them that something is not right then they need to go into investigative mode and that is what happened here. Blind faith may be an attractive quality in gfs for some men, but it is usually highly damaging to the woman herself... The OP was completely justified in snooping here, and lo and behold she found out exactly why her gut was screaming at her... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
krakakos Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 I don't delete ex photos, nude or not. It's no big deal tbh. His behaviour is more important. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 I've missed a few of the details and i made him seem like a total ass but hes not. He dated one other girl after the ext thing ended... the rebound... and left her after a month. I might be that too not sure... But its not like he is constantly ignoring me. we meet really often, he met my mom and he wants me to meet his. not of his 4 exes met her. I met all his friends and coworkers and was introduced as the gf. he's not using me for sex, waited till i was ready and never forces me, doesnt even try if im not well. he doesn't have any normal pictures of his ex just the sex ones... it might be true that he still loves her and is trying to forget her and fool himself... so after discovering i told him that sometimes i feel like I'm some random girl he found cuz he was lonely. and he said he's hurt by that because he really cares for me He's ignoring you because of the ex. I doubt he's lonely and your not random your something special. But he doesn't see that in you. How can he really cares about you while still have nude pictures of his ex on tablet and old phone charging. That's sick, either delete them or move back in with her. Doesn't hat bother you to know this.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Teo Posted October 15, 2017 Author Share Posted October 15, 2017 I don't delete ex photos, nude or not. It's no big deal tbh. His behaviour is more important. I don't delete them either. even have a 3 nudes of my ex. but they are all stored on my laptop somewhere where i don't look at them and not on my ipad or phone that i keep near my bed every day.. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 Snooping gets a bad rap. You can find information you need in minutes where you would waste months or years of your life otherwise. Whenever something felt off and I snooped, I found evidence 100% of the time. Then I can make a fully informed decision to extract myself from the relationship. OP, if you want to stay with this guy, tell him what you found and have an open conversation with him. This will tell you a lot about him. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Teo Posted October 15, 2017 Author Share Posted October 15, 2017 He's ignoring you because of the ex. I doubt he's lonely and your not random your something special. But he doesn't see that in you. How can he really cares about you while still have nude pictures of his ex on tablet and old phone charging. That's sick, either delete them or move back in with her. Doesn't hat bother you to know this.. he's not ignoring me. he's not much of a texter but texts me daily and quite often since we talked about it. just stops when he's at work... he is not in contact with the ex at all... i checked on that too, but it is possible he might want to be... it bothers me like crazy..... but the ex stuff and his behaviour don't match. i don't belive in words like i love u and he knows that. he's also the one who saved me out of a very very bad relationship and helped me when i was at my lowest.. but now i feel like he's taking me back there Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 ... he said he's hurt by that because he really cares for me Like he was really going to say anything else? He is in a sticky position and needs to keep you on board, so he is hardly going to say, "OK yes you are just some random I hook up with because I am lonely..." 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 I don't delete them either. even have a 3 nudes of my ex. but they are all stored on my laptop somewhere where i don't look at them and not on my ipad or phone that i keep near my bed every day.. What's the problem then? You two read like two peas in a pod....(mysteriously leaving things to imagination.....) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Teo Posted October 15, 2017 Author Share Posted October 15, 2017 Like he was really going to say anything else? He is in a sticky position and needs to keep you on board, so he is hardly going to say, "OK yes you are just some random I hook up with because I am lonely..." I guess u are right... but if i was his hookup I don't think he would meet me outside of the bedroom and do the things he does. the reason I am so confused even tho my heart is telling me to run away is because till recently everything felt right. i had nothing to feel paranoid about, and i felt like he did everything right..... because i met a bunch of bad men before and it was different... till yesterday Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 he's not ignoring me. he's not much of a texter but texts me daily and quite often since we talked about it. just stops when he's at work... he is not in contact with the ex at all... i checked on that too, but it is possible he might want to be... it bothers me like crazy..... but the ex stuff and his behaviour don't match. i don't belive in words like i love u and he knows that. he's also the one who saved me out of a very very bad relationship and helped me when i was at my lowest.. but now i feel like he's taking me back there Can I ask you why you can't say to a man "I love you".. If it something from your past where you were the lowest I can understand that. This guy he might be the sort who would like to her those words. I myself truly believe in those words. I do not like a woman not be able to say it when we're been together for a good while or she can only show the love by buying things she like me to wear an etc. You feel he's taking you back to your lowest point again? Sure it would bother me too if I seen those pictures of my prior ex boyfriends nude shots. There is no excuse to have them. They're your ex they're your past why attach them to you current present life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 He probably does care for you but it seems he's not over his ex. Imo the statement saying she's really sweet and asking if that bothers you is indicative that he's aware the feelings behind the statement are of such that they could be bothersome to you. But, you took the statement at face value, not experiencing the feelings behind the statement, understandably, so were ok with them. Just the mere fact that he made the statement then questioned you is a red flag to me. Add to that, the fact that he keeps his old phone that has pics of her on it charged is another red flag. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 We had the ex bf/gf talk and I know about this one particular ex. He told me that when they dated he thought he will marry her. He told me that she's very sweet and asked me how I feel if he said something like that about an ex... didn't care much then. They broke up and got back many times because her parents hated him and eventually he moved and then she moved too. but earlier this year (few months after their breakup) she came home to visit and for that period of time the were together. then he told her its not gonna work with the distance and the parents and stopped talking. before he met me he ried contacting her but she ignored him... and unfollowed him on social media. he still followes her and likes her stuff tho... I agree that seeing the photos would be ick. I don't think the fact that he has the photos is a huge deal, but the fact you saw them, you can't unsee them. But the whole picture does make him sound a bit hung up on the ex, especially the way it fizzled out. I think that it is common in new relationships to adjust to each other's communication style and frequency etc. so wouldn't be concerned about the text frequency. But I don't think I would be ok with his continuing contact with the ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 I'm just somewhat baffled by this whole conversation, because the consensus seems to be that there is no problem with either taking or keeping nude photos and videos of an ex-girlfriend. To each their own, if you decide to take and share nude photos or videos with a trusted partner. But, I find it hard to believe that people are ok with previous partners keeping nude photos and videos that can be shared with anyone, any time... Maybe I'm just really out of touch, but it seems that there are just no boundaries in relationships anymore... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 Just give him the keys to your house Teo, then he can accidentally find the nudes of your ex. Though you have hidden them better. Silly guys often underestimate craftier women. Anyway, tell him what you saw and how disappointed you are in him because he's dumb enough to leave his on his phone, by the bed no less when that could lead to shenanigans. Ask him to be more considerate and move her nudes to a discrete location, like you did. Problem solved. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 I'm just somewhat baffled by this whole conversation, because the consensus seems to be that there is no problem with either taking or keeping nude photos and videos of an ex-girlfriend. To each their own, if you decide to take and share nude photos or videos with a trusted partner. But, I find it hard to believe that people are ok with previous partners keeping nude photos and videos that can be shared with anyone, any time... Maybe I'm just really out of touch, but it seems that there are just no boundaries in relationships anymore... I'm with you. I think keeping such items is at least a little dysfunctional and voyeuristic. Keeping such sensitive images/vids is counter-productive to the idea of healthy, in my mind. If it's of your current gf/bf, okay, but your ex(es)? Nope. That clearly indicates to me that you are still yearning for your ex and not ready for me. If I saw that, I would be out. I completely agree with boundaries....it is disheartening how so many do not realize the importance of boundaries. It is shocking at times what people accept or view as acceptable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 I've been dating a guy for about 2 months. Everything was going well, we gat along, he tells me he loves me and we got pretty serious. But sometimes when he is very busy he doesn't show any care so we talked about it and he said he will try to call me more, text me more etc I felt like his work and other things were more important so it was ok till yesterday. After only 2 months dating you should be all over each other. I don't care about the snooping and the nude pictures. When you entered his home your relationship was already in trouble. When you need to tell a man at 2 months dating that you need more of his attention it's because you're incompatible or one is less invested. I would not put any value in a man telling me he loves me at 2 months dating. It's based on nothing but the butterflies and that won't carry you to a long term relationships. Men keep pictures (video) of exs and it doesn't mean a thing but to have dirty pictures to look at. Eventually he will delete them. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 he's not ignoring me. he's not much of a texter but texts me daily and quite often since we talked about it. just stops when he's at work... he is not in contact with the ex at all... i checked on that too, but it is possible he might want to be... it bothers me like crazy..... but the ex stuff and his behaviour don't match. i don't belive in words like i love u and he knows that. he's also the one who saved me out of a very very bad relationship and helped me when i was at my lowest.. but now i feel like he's taking me back there YOU have to protect yourself first and foremost. Yes it was nice that he saved you, but if he is now sending you right down the same path from whence you came, then that is not healthy for you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 The only thing to do, in my opinion, is be honest with him and tell him you were on his device and found the stuff when you looked in his gallery, and it made you uncomfortable. From my point of view as a man, I do not think he has done anything wrong. Your relationship is in its infancy. If your expectations are that a man should delete any hint of a previous long term relationship mere weeks after meeting you then I think you're going to be sorely disappointed in life. All that being said, nobody wants to see their new flame having sex on video with their previous partner. Like somebody else mentioned - you can't unsee that, and I'm sorry you did. Not a lot of good comes from snooping, and you learned a painful lesson. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 From my point of view as a man, I do not think he has done anything wrong. Your relationship is in its infancy. If your expectations are that a man should delete any hint of a previous long term relationship mere weeks after meeting you then I think you're going to be sorely disappointed in life. The point is not that he has pornographic pics and videos of his ex, the point is that in his Gallery the ONLY pics and videos he has are those of his ex and the fact his old phone, that he continually keeps charged up, is full of those pics and videos too. She is NOT in the past, She is right there in the present. Everyone has little mementoes of their ex that they keep around, but this is not a tshirt or a watch that is hidden away in a drawer in the attic, this is like having a cupboard full of the ex's stuff lovingly stored in the middle of the living room... NO woman can compete with that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 I've been dating a guy for about 2 months. Everything was going well, we gat along, he tells me he loves me and we got pretty serious. But sometimes when he is very busy he doesn't show any care so we talked about it and he said he will try to call me more, text me more etc I felt like his work and other things were more important so it was ok till yesterday. . This is the part that actually doesn't make sense to me. You have only known this man for 60+ DAYS. I love you's are too soon. How serious can you really be? It hasn't even been 3 months. Again, of course work is more important to him at this early stage. You are a new GF; that is the way he makes a living. What exactly do you want? I'm not defending the EX-GF nudes. I am telling you to slow down. Expecting too much is what causes problems. This is a new relationship, not your long term marriage. He trusted you enough to give you keys to his house (another thing I find odd) but you couldn't even communicate with him why you were upset. The guy is not a mind reader. You didn't start out snooping. You gave in to temptation. On balance, not the worst sin ever but if you can't even talk to the man, how can you expect to have a relationship with him? Had you spoken to him maybe he would have agreed to delete them. Communication is important. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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