I ended things with this girl because I was insecure. I want a second chance....

[CarAndZam]

Hello guys. I'm new here. I'm a 19 year old male. Just this year I finally started dating for the first time. Beautiful girl, and she was exactly what I wanted in a girl. Sweet and nice, little shy, introvert, doesn't drink or smoke, great personality. We had lots of chemistry. Let's call her Mary Jane. Warning, this will be a long post, and I'm going to be the bad guy of the story. The insecure man who ruined things.

 

Me and Mary Jane were going great. We had gone on 7 dates so far. This was her second dating experience. Her first didn't last long at all, and she's never been in a relationship. So we were learning this dating thing together. Last date we got a more intimate because I finally started holding her hand and we did lots of physical touching. We never kissed though.

 

Here's the thing with her though, in the 4 months we've known each other, we only went on 7 dates. At first, I thought she wasn't that interested in me. But then she explained me her responsibilities. She had to take care brother a lot, cause her single mom had to go out of town a lot to work. As a result, she couldn't go out much. Me, valuing more real life interaction than texting, was frustrated with the inconsistent and huge gap between dates, but I managed to be patiente because EVERY date was worth the wait. And eventually I was ok with it! And I felt assured that she was interested in me because she would text me first a lot and we would talk about it getting official between us soon enough.

 

However, last week, something happened that had me concerned. You see, we had gotten into the habit of texting almost daily, because it was what she wanted. Used to be we'd text every other day, because I thought that was better, to save talking points for dates. But since things started getting serious between us, I figured we should start keeping contact almost daily, and we did. Last week, however, she didn't text me in four nights. Now, I know I could've texted her myself, but here's the thing. First day we didn't text, we were supposed to have a date, but cancelled in the morning because she wasn't feeling well, and told me she'll text me later. She didn't. Next day I ask her if she felt better in the morning, she said she didn't, and told me she'll text me later. She didn't. And she didn't the next two days.

 

Fifth night I finally text her myself. We had a regular conversation. Talked about a trip she took with her family. Then, I asked her if everything was okay between us. She said yes, but that she's been feeling down lately and that she needed space. Now, this where I messed up and got insecure. You see, "need space" has always been something I feared to hear, so me being insecure, I asked her if she wanted a break.

 

And THAT really triggered her. She went on some rant. To paraphrase, it went something like "why are you assuming that? I just needed space, don't know to say it other than that. You're not my boyfriend nor are we a couple, so I don't have to explain to you why I didn't text you". Man, did it really hurt to hear that. I knew we weren't official and I never once thought of her as mine, but the fact that she had to assurme me that we're not together out of the blue made me feel like she thought of us in a low manner. That she wasn't taking this as seriously as I was. We argued a bit more but we stopped and she still wanted to talk that night. We did, but for a bit only and then she went to sleep. I should mention that this was our first argument ever.

 

Next day, I was still a hurt and felt insecure. I spent all day thinking how I'm doubting this whole thing between us. I was scared. I felt like she lost interest. So that night, I ended things. And the reason I said to her as to why I'm ending things were have truth and half false. The truth was that I said that I felt we had a different view on things. The false was that I used the fact that we didn't go out enough as much as I wanted to as a reason to end things. And that I felt she had all these responsibilities and priorities in her life made us incompatible to date. It was false, because I was ok with her responsibilities and priorities, but used that as excuse because I didn't want to admit my insecurities. (This is where I was the bad guy, I admit that).

 

She apologized for not being honest with me, for not going out with me enough, and then said she hopes I find someone who goes out with me unlike her, and then thanked me for everything. That she was hurt and sad. It was a short goodbye, I said my goodbyes. I didn't think I really hurt her at all. She didn't say much other than that. In all honestly I thought I was the only one hurt. Wrong. Very wrong.

 

Next day, me thinking things we over for sure and that she'll never contact me at all, she actually contacted me later in the day. Just a long message telling me how I gave up on her and this great thing we had easily and that I was a jerk for not understanding her responsibilities enough, and she felt I didn't like her enough. That she was just hurt and sad and that she cried that night. Told me I'll miss out on a girl who would've cared for me a lot. Then assured me that this will be the last message she'll ever send me.....

 

I felt guilty. It was obvious that I was wrong. She was very interested me in me and she was actually hurt. I knew I messed up something great, and I did so base on a lie. I couldn't let her feel like she was to blame completely. So I just admitted. everything. I simply told her that I felt she lost interest in me based on the argument we had (didn't actually say what part of the argument made me feel this way). That I got very insecure and that I didn't mention any of that when I ended things because I didn't think I would hurt her. Took responsibility that I should've communicated with her rather than end things, and that I wanted her to know the truth. That I wanted to help rebuild this great thing we had.

 

She just said that she was really hurt and didn't have a clear mind as of then, and that she couldn't answer me at the time. Told her if she considers it, that I would like to explain myself in person rather than through text. Last thing I said. This was this past Tuesday. No word from her since then. I'm beginning to feel like it's truly over. It's what I deserve anyway. I was very insecure, and I hurt her. thinking I wouldn't. On top of that, she doesn't deserve to to date an insecure man either. But maybe, she'll give me a second chance, and I'll for sure have to change myself.

 

However, she still continues to look at my snaps I post on my story. And on top of that, she is still liking my posts on Instagram. So... maybe that's a good sign. Before we started talking, I knew she was interested in me, because she would like almost ALL my posts on Insta haha.

 

Anyways, sorry for the long post. To whoever finished this, advice?

[basil67]

You're not the bad guy. She wants you to THINK you're the bad guy.

 

Don't forget that the girl who sadly told you that 'you'd miss out on the one girl who cared about you a lot' is the same girl who made it rudely clear that you're not a couple.

 

"Needing space" is exactly the same as "taking a break". Your question to her was entirely reasonable. Her reaction to your question was not reasonable. And for what it's worth, seven dates in four months is ridiculously low. I know she helps care for her brother, but I reckon she could find more time if she wanted to.

 

Let her go. You'll find someone who wants a real relationship.

[CarAndZam]

You're not the bad guy. She wants you to THINK you're the bad guy.

 

Don't forget that the girl who sadly told you that 'you'd miss out on the one girl who cared about you a lot' is the same girl who made it rudely clear that you're not a couple.

 

"Needing space" is exactly the same as "taking a break". Your question to her was entirely reasonable. Her reaction to your question was not reasonable. And for what it's worth, seven dates in four months is ridiculously low. I know she helps care for her brother, but I reckon she could find more time if she wanted to.

 

Let her go. You'll find someone who wants a real relationship.

 

The thing is, she needed space, not because I was overwhelming her or anything, but because she was feeling down and ill those few days and that she tends to cut people off when she feels that way.

 

But I get what you're saying. She shouldn't have said any of that if she truly liked. If she decided to talk to me again, I'll be sure to mention that.

[Cookiesandough]

I agree with basil. This girl wasn't that interested in you from the beginning and your insecurities in this seem, for the most part, completely founded. If you go back, not only will you completely lose your dignity to this girl, you will be setting yourself for more of the same treatment. Being strung along and used. Show her you deserve better and won't play her petty games. Find someone INTERESTED.

[CarAndZam]

I agree with basil. This girl wasn't that interested in you from the beginning and your insecurities in this seem, for the most part, completely founded. If you go back, not only will you completely lose your dignity to this girl, you will be setting yourself for more of the same treatment. Being strung along and used. Show her you deserve better and won't play her petty games. Find someone INTERESTED.

 

 

Look I kind of doubt she wasn't interested at all.

 

Reasons?

 

- She's the reason why we're talking. She iniated this whole thing. She talked to me first.

- Went on 7 dates with me. Who goes on 7 dates with anybody if they're not interested.

- texted me first 70% of the time. For the most part she'd text me first.

- this is embarrassing, but I had a HARD time making a move, even something as simple as holding her hand. I went SIX dates without making a move, and she finally asked me after our 6th date why I haven't made a move so far. Answer me this, would a girl stick around with any guy she's not interested in who hasnt made a move after six dates? And would she even bother asking me why I haven't made a move if she wasn't interested?

- when I finally move on date 7, I simply held her hand. When we would be standing still looking at something, she would bury her head in my chest in a intimate way. Why would she do that if she wasn't interested?

 

However, despite saying all this, I would say it's possible she MAY have lost interests. I don't know....

[Cookiesandough]

Look I kind of doubt she wasn't interested at all.

 

Reasons?

 

- She's the reason why we're talking. She iniated this whole thing. She talked to me first.

- Went on 7 dates with me. Who goes on 7 dates with anybody if they're not interested.

- texted me first 70% of the time. For the most part she'd text me first.

- this is embarrassing, but I had a HARD time making a move, even something as simple as holding her hand. I went SIX dates without making a move, and she finally asked me after our 6th date why I haven't made a move so far. Answer me this, would a girl stick around with any guy she's not interested in who hasnt made a move after six dates? And would she even bother asking me why I haven't made a move if she wasn't interested?

- when I finally move on date 7, I simply held her hand. When we would be standing still looking at something, she would bury her head in my chest in a intimate way. Why would she do that if she wasn't interested?

 

However, despite saying all this, I would say it's possible she MAY have lost interests. I don't know....

 

 

If you ask me, she did all that for the same reason she came back. She is bored and wants someone to do stuff with and give her attention(on her terms, mind you). That is not real romantic interest. If it was, she would not be busy all the time, ignore you, said that couple thing, all the other disrespect she has committed. It's making your alarm bells go off for a reason. She seems to be treating you as a placeholder and a way to pass time. Don't fall for that and don't allow someone to treat you that way. Please move on and find someone who is a better fit for you.

Edited October 16, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[CarAndZam]

If you ask me, she did all that for the same reason she came back. She is bored and wants someone to do stuff with and give her attention(on her terms, mind you). That is not real romantic interest. If it was, she would not be busy all the time, ignore you, said that couple thing, all the other disrespect she has committed. It's making your alarm bells go off for a reason. She seems to be treating you as a placeholder and a way to pass time. Don't fall for that and don't allow someone to treat you that way. Please move on and find someone who is a better fit for you.

 

 

It's not that she's busy. You have to keep in mind that her mother is a single mother and her little borther isn't past elementary. And the family only has ONE car, she doesn't have on in her own. And her mother works out of town a lot. She her being busy stopped bothering once she explained that.

 

Ignoring only happened once and it was last week. Also, she wasn't completely ignoring me. She continued sending me snaps those days (we had streaks).

 

The only disrespect I've felt from her was the couples thing. You're right, she shouldn't have said that. It was uncalled for and unnecessary.

 

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm arguing with you. I'm not. I just have a hard time believing she's just using me for attention.

[CarAndZam]

Yeah so, if you all saw my previous post, I ended things with this girl. Won't write down the whole post again, cause it's long. So I'll just paraphrase.

 

I ended things with this girl because I was so sure I was more into her than she was. Felt this way because of an argument we had, and she said something that made me doubt us. So I ended things, without really saying the truth (truth being that I felt insecure and felt like she didn't like me). An emotional goodbye, late at night, and it was short.

 

However, next day, I got a long message from her. A message on how she told me that I ruined a good thing, that she was really hurt and sad and cried last night, and I wasn't considerate enough about her responsibilities. To quickly explain that, we wouldn't go out often because she had to take care of her brother a lot, due to her mother being out of town a lot. And I used that as an excuse to end things. Told her I felt we weren't going out enough. Which was true once, but our dates were worth the wait so I was patient with her. But I used that as an excuse to end things rather than admit my insecurities.

 

Anyways, yeah after that message, I admitted the truth. That I felt insecure and felt that she wasn't into as much I was into her, and that I felt we had a different view on us. And asked her if I can fix this.

 

She just said, she wasn't sure. That she was too hurt right now to think clearly, didn't have a clear mind, and that shouldn't answer at that time. That was last Tuesday.

 

No contact. However, she has viewed my snaps. Usually the first one to see them. And on top of that, she continues to like my posts on Instagram. I find that odd, if someone dumps you, why would you still like their posts.

 

So what should I do? Move on, or should I ask her again? I feel like if I contact her first, it'll come off as desperate and needy.

 

I should mention, we were only dating. We weren't official just yet. We were on date 7.

[springy]

I glanced at your first thread. Is it possible that you were too passive throughout this process? She initiated most of the texts. Had to ask you why you hadn't made any moves on date 6, and on date 7 you held hands. I think there was a low level of interest initially but that fizzled out as things went nowhere. No one is at fault here, but you may have gotten moved to the friend zone due to lack of action/assertiveness. Just my guess, but at this point it does not seem like she interested in going back to...whatever it was you two had going.

 

Social media activity is not a gauge for romantic interest when there is no other communication involved. It's just more of the same passive interaction that seems to have been the dynamic between the two of you. You will meet someone who is interested and able to make more time for you. I would move on from this one...Sorry.

[CarAndZam]

I glanced at your first thread. Is it possible that you were too passive throughout this process? She initiated most of the texts. Had to ask you why you hadn't made any moves on date 6, and on date 7 you held hands. I think there was a low level of interest initially but that fizzled out as things went nowhere. No one is at fault here, but you may have gotten moved to the friend zone due to lack of action/assertiveness. Just my guess, but at this point it does not seem like she interested in going back to...whatever it was you two had going.

 

Social media activity is not a gauge for romantic interest when there is no other communication involved. It's just more of the same passive interaction that seems to have been the dynamic between the two of you. You will meet someone who is interested and able to make more time for you. I would move on from this one...Sorry.

 

 

I doubt I got moved to the friend zone...... I don't think a guy in a friend zone will hurt a girl if he ends things with her. She was really hurt it seems.... should've seen her Twitter haha. It didn't seem at all like she was losing interests in the end.

 

Yeah you're right. I guess it's over. Sucks, we had lots of chemistry. And we bonded a lot and had all these inside jokes and whatnot.

 

Hurts, this was my first dating experience. I'm 19, never had one before. She's the only girl who's ever been interested in me and I blew it. I don't think I can ever find someone else. Don't have the looks.

 

Thanks by the way .

[springy]

I would advise working on that insecurity issue so that your view of yourself will improve. If you think you are unattractive physically there are other ways to gain confidence and attract women. Develop your personality a bit more, become a well rounded individual altogether. Take care of yourself physically. Have other life goals you are working toward. You are very young, and have much to experience. This will not be your last shot; this just wasn't the girl for you.

[CarAndZam]

I would advise working on that insecurity issue so that your view of yourself will improve. If you think you are unattractive physically there are other ways to gain confidence and attract women. Develop your personality a bit more, become a well rounded individual altogether. Take care of yourself physically. Have other life goals you are working toward. You are very young, and have much to experience. This will not be your last shot; this just wasn't the girl for you.

 

Any advice on how develop my personality and become a well rounded individual?

[springy]

Any advice on how develop my personality and become a well rounded individual?

 

How do you spend a typical day right now?

[coolheadal]

You both so young adults you have the world ahead to get of you both. Just hard for us all to figure out where you two are headed. If you left her alone you and her would be together. But she had thrown in a monkey wrench saying your not her boyfriend. So she wasn't really in love with you yet. That takes time sometimes it can happy really fast. She still interested but only as best friends I have to say that to you. You want more you wanted to do more but she's not that type to do that. I could tell more with photo. I've that for many online. Is this guy a good guy or bad guy. Stuff like that. But right now you two just chill back and see what happens. After 30 days move on.. She will always be there in the background. I think she didn't handle things with you correctly, but she's too young to know that. You are ready acting like 21 year old but your only 19. You know things already when they want they're space or time for themselves. I had women tell me the same thing. I acted like you did. Hey we're guys we know what we want. No one wants to wait. Most of them told me they weren't over the prior ex and some said they didn't know if they could be in a relationship. Then what the heck on you doing on OLD. But those didn't work out. For me.. Woman can do the oddest things and they can change their mind on dime. Oh yes read all you wrote.

[coolheadal]

It's not that she's busy. You have to keep in mind that her mother is a single mother and her little borther isn't past elementary. And the family only has ONE car, she doesn't have on in her own. And her mother works out of town a lot. She her being busy stopped bothering once she explained that.

 

Ignoring only happened once and it was last week. Also, she wasn't completely ignoring me. She continued sending me snaps those days (we had streaks).

 

The only disrespect I've felt from her was the couples thing. You're right, she shouldn't have said that. It was uncalled for and unnecessary.

 

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm arguing with you. I'm not. I just have a hard time believing she's just using me for attention.

 

On that is a spinner then... She's acting like mom for her mom taking care of the family when the mom is working out of town. That's why she said all that too you. She's wants the things you did for her but she can't be there because of family obligations and responsibilities so your out of lot. The time she gave you was all she could. But again we men want more time with them, you pushed her too much and didn't respect or appreciated her request, just didn't listen to her. Now you have this situations on your hands.

[marky00]

These types of girls are bad news. She gas-lighted you at the end there, by essentially creating the conflict she wanted. Unbelievable she tried to shift the blame to you after her comment about you two not being a couple.

 

 

It really is sickening to watch people do this. Like, couldn't she have just owned the fact that she wasn't invested in the relationship. Nope, she also wanted to have a clear conscious as well by making you out to be the bad guy .... that's pretty sick if you ask me.

[guest569]

These types of girls are bad news. She gas-lighted you at the end there, by essentially creating the conflict she wanted. Unbelievable she tried to shift the blame to you after her comment about you two not being a couple.

 

 

It really is sickening to watch people do this. Like, couldn't she have just owned the fact that she wasn't invested in the relationship. Nope, she also wanted to have a clear conscious as well by making you out to be the bad guy .... that's pretty sick if you ask me.

 

I agree! OP please don't feel badly or blame yourself. I think you bruised her ego. Technically you didn't have to explain anything as you were not a couple (her words). You didn't end anything. There was nothing to mess up or throw away as it was apparently not a relationship. Her snapping your head off about not being a couple makes her have no right to respond the way she did about the "breakup"

[CarAndZam]

Here’s the thing, 4 weeks ago I ended things with this girl. I posted my story on Loveshack and on Reddit and some answer that I was insecure for no reasons, and others said my insecurity was completely justified. When I ended things, turns out she was REALLY hurt from it, and I felt like I made a mistake. We talked a bit after the dumping, and I asked for a second chance and she said she didn’t have a clear mind to think about it.

 

A week had passed by, no word from her. Felt it was pointless so I unfollowed her on every social media, and so did she after 30 minutes later.

 

3 weeks later, she was still on mind and I finally decided to contact her after those 3 weeks. We started of with small talk and all. Then finally she asked me why I texted her. Told her I still cared, and she’s been on mind. Then told me she still and always will care for me, but she doesn’t know what to think of all this. Told her I wanted to talk about things. She said okay, but then I told her I wanted to do it in person. She said she wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that and felt like it would be awkward being in that type of situation. I told her that the only way we can talk about what happened is if we do it in person so we can see each other’s emotion, and then she said she’ll think about it. (She doesn’t really know the truth as to why I ended things, but I think that SHE thinks she does).

 

Anyways, that was the day before yesterday.

 

Here’s the thing however..... and please don’t judge:

 

I made a tinder right? And got a match with a pretty transgender woman. She said she’s down to hook up and have a FWB. She’s really by the way. We already talked on the phone and I already know where to meet her in town. Tonight is the plan, and I really want to do this.... buuuutt

 

The girl I talked to before knows I’m a virgin, and so is she. My conflict is:

 

If I decide to hook up with this lady, what if the girl I’m talking about contacts me in a few days and she decides to fix things? What would I say when the time comes that we possibly have sex or talk about it, and I have to be truthful and say I banged someone while I was trying to fix things? She probably wouldn’t appreciate it, and be hurt I’m not a virgin.

 

But what I don’t decide to do this, and this girl doesn’t contact me at all??? Then I have ruined an opportunity to have some kinky sex with a PRETTY transgender woman..........

 

 

What do you all think? Please don’t judge. Transgender people are beautiful.

[Frostedflake]

Uhh, just some social niceties first- someone who is transgender does not want to be introduced AS transgender. Address someone how they present themselves to you. A lot of people are really good about throwing their own pronouns out there in first introductions if there would be any confusion.

 

Now on to your dilemma.

Why would this girl care if you lost your virginity? Was that something you guys shared in common? Is there a religious background where she might say, "Ahh, now there's no future with this guy because my church says.."?

 

Second, I don't really think she's into sorting things out. She might hold this against you, she might say it was one of her reasons, etc. But only because she wasn't that into it to begin with. You tried to reconcile, she didn't want to. That's really the end of it.

[snowboy91]

If I decide to hook up with this lady, what if the girl I’m talking about contacts me in a few days and she decides to fix things? What would I say when the time comes that we possibly have sex or talk about it, and I have to be truthful and say I banged someone while I was trying to fix things? She probably wouldn’t appreciate it, and be hurt I’m not a virgin.

 

So at this stage you are not actually together with this girl (you broke it off before)? If you're not in a relationship you're free to do whatever (whoever?) you like.

 

She may not appreciate it but she can't stop you, and it shouldn't be a problem other than what Frostedflake said about religious boundaries etc.