Would you end a relationship over a small lie?

[ConfusedCallie]

I am just wondering what people's genuine thoughts are on this. And experiences.

 

I have to admit I'm a very untrusting person, having been lied to and cheated on in the past, my father also did the same to my mom. In that past especially when hormonal I've got paranoid and have had a tendency to overreact to innocent things which im deeply deeply ashamed of, although my instincts have often been right, I haven't exactly always stayed calm. However I am going through therapy, paid for by myself, as I recognise the problem lies with me, not (usually) with the men I am with. (although many have turned out to be not nice people).

 

So it's natural that men would lie to me when they see how I overreact to little things, right? It makes their lie forgivable - my fault, even. However one problem:the smallest hint of someone being dishonest makes me even more untrusting of them. So it really is not helping my therapy that my current partner continues to lie.

 

Which he does. For example he has been telling me for a month at his new job his work involved absolutely no women. I then found out by accident there were three women working with him every day. I couldn't give less of a hang if he worked with 100 women, I would embrace the opportunity to practise what I've learned in therapy, but the lie is seriously causing me to have second thoughts about the relationship, especially on top of all his other lies. It's like he's not even giving me a chance to show him my brain is getting better.

 

I would be grateful to hear your own experiences, as I never quite trust my own skewed judgement, especially as he gaslights me a lot. Do white lies make you panic? Do they necessarily mean that someone will lie about bigger things down the line, or can they just all be the fault of the paranoid partner? Do you regret not ending a relationship at the first sign of dishonesty?

[d0nnivain]

It's not your fault but I think you hit the nail on the head when you recognized your tendency to go overboard causes people to hide things from you because they want to save themselves from your reaction.

 

Yes I would be upset if my man told me there were no women at his job when there were 3. I wouldn't care if it was all women & him. But I don't get histrionic at every little thing.

 

Moving forward you need to work on controlling your reaction to information. If you can learn to accept unpleasant facts calmly people are more likely to tell you the truth. Again it's not your fault that they lie but it is your fault that you react inappropriately to being told info you don't want to hear.

[ConfusedCallie]

Thanks for your take on the situation. I fully agree. The problem is this man has lied to me about fifty times in a year now (that I know of) and I now don't trust him so am considering whether it would just be better to end it and start afresh with someone I do.

[ConfusedCallie]

His lying started on our first date before he even knew me. He told me quite a few lies in the first month before I ever overreacted

[d0nnivain]

He lied 50 times? 50 times? OMG

 

Dump him.

 

This guy has no idea how to tell the truth.

 

Him lying 50x has nothing to do with you or your reactions. He's just a habitual liar.

[elaine567]

When you are with a guy who lies this much no wonder you need therapy, but instead of paying for therapy just ditch him.

Everyone "overreacts" when their gut is screaming and as you say you are very often right too, then that is something to prize.

You do not want to dampen down your natural instinct, as it is there to protect you.

 

Do not put up with guys who constantly lie to you and who you cannot trust - get rid.

[ConfusedCallie]

My instincts are screaming at me to listen to you all as what you a few replying rings very true

 

I have been with just one man before who didn't inspire these paranoid thoughts in me. Yes he found other women attractive, yes he was open about it... Yes, he rated me above any of them. Our sex life was amazing. I should have stuck with him, sadly I had to move away.

 

The rest sadly proved me right in one way or another. I attract liars as I'm so honest!

[Tribble]

Why are you still with this fella? Honestly, what keeps you with him? Fear of being alone? Something else? Why did you stay with him after he lied in the first few months of dating?

 

You've said he lies a lot and gaslights you. Did you find it hard to trust before him or is this a recent development? I'd find it hard to trust too if I had to second guess every tiny thing someone said to me.

 

You know the answer is to break it off. That's why you made this thread. And that's why your replies have shed further light on the situation the way they have.

[Gaeta]

Your boyfriend is a compulsive liar. No one tells 50 lies without being a compulsive liar.

 

One little white lie I'll let it go by but not 50, not ever! Those 50 lies are those you are aware of, imagine all the lies you have not discovered yet!!

[ConfusedCallie]

OK just off the top of my head Ive remembered nineteen outright lies. I can't remember the rest, some were extremely insignificant like that someone hadnt made him a cake when they had. Some not so insignificant.

None were things he voluntarily offered the truth about. Some were things I had to snoop to find. Some were things I had to seriously press him on.

I stayed as I felt sorry for him. I felt it was my fault and I really deserved the lies as I'm such a histrionic idiot.

I stayed as I thought some of the lies were sweet - that he had said them to present himself a certain way as he wasn't confident enough that he was good enough for me. Like he Claimed his first date with me was his first date ever.... Age 26...of course I didn't believe it. It still hurt to hear he had lied but I understood why.

And I sure do ask too many questions. I want a soul connection. I want to know my partner is honest.

 

What the hell do I do, he lives with me and am pregnant with his child? Do we just live as housemates? I ended it before over something else but took him back in realising I was carrying his baby, I thought I'd been too hasty due to emotions and hormones. But now I just have no desire to be with him at all. Something switched

[elaine567]

You tell him to go.

He is not husband and father material.

Get help from your friends and family.

[ConfusedCallie]

He is father material but not husband material. Not for me anyway. I want a man who is honest, else I'd rather be single. I prefer being single anyway

[RecentChange]

Is this the same guy who has the crush fetish?

[ConfusedCallie]

Yes recent change- he is now in therapy for it. I remember you were extremely helpful when that was going on and I thank you for this.

I know it may seem shocking that I stayed, it was purely because I found out I was carrying his child and he swore blind that he would change. But obviously it is highly relevant that he is a liar as how can I trust fully that he would tell me if he were struggling with the fetish?

[d0nnivain]

You are pregnant by this guy? That certainly complicates things.

 

You better have a LONG talk with this guy before the baby gets here. You don't want him teaching this kid by action & example that lying is OK

[ConfusedCallie]

Yes Donnivain. I really wanted perspectives which didn't take this into account as I don't think it's a good idea to stay together 'for the sake of the kids' as that can damage them. However whether we are together or not when the baby is born, you're right his lying needs to stop.

 

I've spoken to him about it so many times, for so long, even got into reasons why he does it. He managed about a month without any big lies (to my knowledge) and then suddenly he is doing it again - I don't get it. Maybe he's trying to protect my pregnant self from things he thinks will worry me?

[Gaeta]

It's a mental illness, an addiction, he cannot beat this on his own.

 

I used to date a compulsive liar, he'd lie about the most trivial things like what he ate for breakfast.

 

You have a choice, you ask him to get into therapy or you simply accept his lies will be part of your daily life and you stop trying to catch him in a lie.

 

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Compulsive%20Liar

Edited October 16, 2017 by Gaeta

[RecentChange]

This man sounds very very far from mentally healthy.

 

It's good he is going to counseling, but it's not a miracle cure.

 

I don't know why he is a compulsive liar, or why he developed such a worrisome fetish....

 

But I question if he really is husband or father material. It sounds like he has some major issues which have never been addressed properly and manifest in disturbing ways.

 

Have you two gone to family therapy?

 

I am worried that a man with such dark secrets is going to be responsible for a child.

[GunslingerRoland]

It definitely sounds like the lying is more compulsive than deceptive. I don't know if that makes it better or worse tbh. But the fact he would lie about something like working with women, that is so expected, and so likely to get found out as a lie, is strange.

[knabe]

This is not "a small lie." This is a pattern of dishonesty. Not a good thing.

[ConfusedCallie]

I'm leaving him. Last night we spoke again and the lies got so ridiculous it is almost laughable. So apparently yesterday, after our chat, I told him I had looked on Facebook and noticed another woman was part of his team. At which point he said - it was strange, as he magically noticed. That very day. That one of the men he had been working beside for a month was actually a woman. Oh yes.

 

I'm leaving him. Something has clicked. Everything he says is a lie, I love you us a lie. He has disrespected my boundaries - I made it clear ten lies ago that I would leave him if he lied again. I gave him another chance, chance after chance in fact, even after discovering the depths of his disgusting fetish. The man cannot tell the truth, even about something as innocuous as who he works with as Roland says, which I could easily have found out anyway in about three clicks. He's taking the proverbial!

 

The problem is how the hell can I move on alone with three kids and no family support, with his whole family blaming me. As he will paint it like I'm dumping him for working with a woman. Which i don't give a flying toss about.

[Cookiesandough]

Maybe I am a bit crazy, but it's hard for me to trust people when they've continuously lied. I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone I didn't trust.

 

Edit: Glad to see you've exited this toxic relationship. Best wishes and may you find true love soon.

Edited October 17, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[elaine567]

I'm leaving him.

 

The problem is how the hell can I move on alone with three kids and no family support, with his whole family blaming me. As he will paint it like I'm dumping him for working with a woman. Which i don't give a flying toss about.

 

But you make it clear to everyone you are not dumping him for him working with women, you are dumping him for his constant lying.

Lying I am very sure they are well aware of too.

[ConfusedCallie]

Thanks for the encouragement

He isn't accepting the break up so I've told him I'm not willing to engage in any conversation until I feel he has accepted it. Is that harsh? I mean he lives with us and all his stuff is here.

[d0nnivain]

Thanks for the encouragement

He isn't accepting the break up so I've told him I'm not willing to engage in any conversation until I feel he has accepted it. Is that harsh? I mean he lives with us and all his stuff is here.

 

 

It's not harsh but it is untenable.

 

 

You live with this man & are having his child. NC is not a luxury open to you.

 

 

First, you two need to live separate & apart.

 

 

Once that is accomplished you can drawn your lines in the sand about being broken up but you will always have to talk to him about your child. You best get the financial support arrangements hammered out through a competent lawyer.