From bad to worse ...

[knabe]

Then why include the "and he's so much better sexually than you are" part?

 

He pushed her for details while she was out of it.

 

You are rewriting his story for your purposes.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It's disappointing that OP is choosing his ego over his dying wife.

 

Best animalistic sex of my life means so little in a grand scheme of things, and I have never even been married. I had it with with some guy who was so annoying that I could barely stand him once sex was over. It went on for a few months and I am also pretty sure he stole my iPad. I would never choose this guy for a relationship, let alone marriage.

 

Your wife has loved you and been faithful to you for 15 years. Don't let your ego override that.

[Minnie09]

I agree he should stick it out with her, and then discuss later, as soon as she’s in remission.

 

Why does everyone think, though, that she’s about to die? Nobody dies from breast cancer anymore, the survival rate is 80% and higher, unless the thing has metastasized, which it hasn’t this case.

[understand50]

I agree he should stick it out with her, and then discuss later, as soon as she’s in remission.

 

Why does everyone think, though, that she’s about to die? Nobody dies from breast cancer anymore, the survival rate is 80% and higher, unless the thing has metastasized, which it hasn’t this case.

 

I known 3 women who have, so yes it happens

[GoldenR]

It's disappointing that OP is choosing his ego over his dying wife.

 

Best animalistic sex of my life means so little in a grand scheme of things, and I have never even been married. I had it with with some guy who was so annoying that I could barely stand him once sex was over. It went on for a few months and I am also pretty sure he stole my iPad. I would never choose this guy for a relationship, let alone marriage.

 

But would you cheat on your fiance with him, and then hide it for15 years?

[Mrs. John Adams]

These forums are full of stories of people who cheated and did not tell

[knabe]

I known 3 women who have, so yes it happens

 

And I know 2.

 

Bottom line, a person who leaves a spouse with cancer over an incident 15 years ago has as little or LESS character than a wayward. Luckily, the OP is not one of those oeople.

[GoldenR]

These forums are full of stories of people who cheated and did not tell

 

It's also a very defining character trait.

[Ed15]

Hi Folks, from what I have been able to discern from the OP's initial post, his wife voluntarily confessed to her affair and the embellishments about the OM being a better and well endowed lover came out as a result of the early questioning the OP did after her confession. He also added that she was heavily medicated at the time and later regretted telling him too much. May be I got it wrong but to me it seems that was the reason for the detailed comparison between her husband and her OM. The OP is the only one who can shed light on this. Guess he will when he returns to his thread.

 

Hi Folks. OP here. I have not had a chance to review the forum, but I thank everyone for their posts, insights, and advice. In reading everyone's comments, I should add:

 

I am not going to leave my wife. I love her dearly. She is, and always has been, the most beautiful thing that happened to me. I say this because, even though she cheated on me years ago, I know that she has been faithful to me during our marriage. She has cared for me and loved me and I believe her love and affection has been genuine. There is zero doubt about that now.

 

We both dated others before we met. However, she was a conservative girl and she took a while to open up sexually. Since then, she has been open minded, willing to please and be pleased, and willing to experiment with me. From my perspective, the sex with her has been AWESOME. However, I was the one, I always thought, who brought her out of her shell, despite the fact that we both had physical relationships before. It was, therefore, quite surprising to learn that she cheated, and that the physical relationship with the guy progressed quickly and so passionately! It was hard to hear that the best she ever had came from another, and came so quickly. It just doesn't seem like her at all. Even back then. I am struggling to understand that part.

 

To hear that his animal magnetism overwhelmed her was very hard to hear. Her confession, I know, came because she didn't want to keep the secret because she is worried about death. If not for her meds and anxiety, her confession wouldn't have come out at all.

 

She admitted to the old affair, and the rest came because I had questions - plenty of them. I wish that I didn't ask the questions that I asked, but she was in a fog and admitted that that other guy was more aggressive, better looking, and more skilled than me. I know now that she regrets letting me hear these things. I know that she didn't mean to hurt me -- but she did hurt me deeply.

 

I will never unhear what I heard and I still feel inadequate. The worst is that I can't keep questioning her - her health can't handle this. She is still unwell. But, this is fresh for me and I have many, many questions. What was is that made him so good, what did they do etc etc? What could I have done better? Why did she stay with me.

 

The key is that her behavior back then seemed so uncharacteristic of her and I am struggling to understand it. I struggle to understand why she ended the relationship with him and stayed with me. She can only say that it was because she loved me and knew that what she was doing was wrong. She did end it with him after their second encounter. In fact, she became quite hostile toward him -- I just don't know why and her explanations of the events make no sense. It happened within moments, she says, of their last passionate encounter. I want to understand why she went from submitting to him to cutting him out so quickly, but she is at a loss to explain this and I can't push this at this time.

 

This has been a struggle, but my wife is not a bad woman. She may have made a mistake or made a bad decision, but I fear that I will not have closure. That is why I am here - I need help processing this. However, regardless of what I learn about the past, I love this woman, I am still passionate about her, I still desire her sexually and emotionally, and I will never leave or abandon her because I know that she loves me and cares for me. I just struggle ... and hurt ... and obsess. It is hard to let go of this pain because I never thought that she would have done what she did, or have become so physically involved with someone she met just weeks before. It remains enigmatic for me. I fear that it will never make sense and I don't know if I can live with all of these questions and the lack of closure should she succumb to this terrible illness. Facing her illness, and learning what I learned, is far too much pain for me to bear some days.

 

I worry all day long that she will die from her illness and the thought of losing her cripples me. I honestly don't know how I can live without her.

 

However, your various comments and view points help me process this. Thank you for that.

[Minnie09]

I known 3 women who have, so yes it happens

 

I know it does happen, but it doesn’t usually happen if you catch it before it has metastasized. And even if it’s invasive, and that’s what he said it is, she could easily get into remission, and live 30 more years quite pleasantly. Sure, she could’ve a reoccurrence but that doesn’t mean it’s usually happening. And even then There will most likely be another cure. Or treatment. Just Given the statistics. I’m just stating the obvious here. It has nothing to do with OP situation and how he’s dealing with her infidelity. That’s a whole different story. But, because I think that she will be fine after chemotherapy and maybe radiation, they can work through it after that has happened. I think Op is open to that.

[JohnAdams]

 

I am not going to leave my wife. I love her dearly.

 

That is all that counts. Best of luck to you and your wife.

[dichotomy]

 

I will never unhear what I heard and I still feel inadequate. But, this is fresh for me and I have many, many questions. What was is that made him so good, what did they do etc etc? What could I have done better? Why did she stay with me.

 

The key is that her behavior back then seemed so uncharacteristic of her and I am struggling to understand it. I struggle to understand why she ended the relationship with him and stayed with me. She can only say that it was because she loved me and knew that what she was doing was wrong.

 

I just don't know why and her explanations of the events make no sense.

 

but I fear that I will not have closure. That is why I am here - I need help processing this. .

 

 

You will need to find your way - what works for you. To cope. It may take months or even years for you to process and make some peace with. I suspect you may never figure it out. It was a very short affair for her. She may have stepped outside of her normal self.

 

I can only say that I have said or thought the same things you wrote above. Other men besides us have faced this.

[GoldenR]

Ok...so you're staying with your wife. How do you cope with what you've learned? I would normally suggest IC, but it seems like your time may be stretched thin enough as it is, between work, caring for your W, her drs appts, her hospital visits, and I'm assuming everything to do with day to day living is on you at this point. With that in mind...you bury it as deep as you can. If you feel thoughts of it hitting you, then you focus on the good times you've had with your W. You literally MAKE yourself not think about it. And then when you do have some spare moments, you talk about it here.

[Cullenbohannon]

Since divorce is not a option, you have only one choice

 

Take the pain.

 

Every time it comes, understand what it is, deal with it for the moment but just take it in silence. This is your cross to bear. A time may come for you to address the issue, but that time is not now.

 

So you must do what men have done for ages. Take it. There are no answers on a forum. Nothing that will be said will help you. Your pain belongs to you.

 

Pain, if it does not kill you, will subside. The question is, how will you handle the pain? At the moment it is destroying you as a man, but it has not destroyed your love for your wife.

 

So wait it out. Let us all pray that your wife survives and you have a thousand opportunities to not only be a better lover than the X, but a better lover than you ever were.

 

The irony in all of this, is the one thing that may truly destroy you, (the death of your wife), may also bring a understanding as to what true lovemaking is, should she survive..

 

You and your wife are faced with never being able to hold each other, make love to each other, never being able to enjoy life and have new experiences. If God blesses the both of you with the opportunity of life, Love her passionately as if she may die tomorrow, because as you know, that is entirely possible.

 

Then you will become the greatest lover she has ever had.

[road]

So she holds onto this secret of her ultimate act of betrayal until she's heavily medicated. She has her loving H of 15 years beside her, concerned and caring for her, and she looks at him and tells him how she cheated on him and the OM was a much better sexual partner than her H has ever been. But he shouldn't believe it bc she's just exaggerating?

 

Come on....for this to come out now, she's obviously been pining away for her AP all these years. And yes, she kept it locked away bc she was happy with her H. But she's not just gonna say that outta the blue if her AP hasn't been heavily on her mind throughout the years.

 

No way does this mean she has been pining all

these years for the OM. Guilt eating at her from

time to time though is more likely.

[road]

Hi Folks. OP here. I have not had a chance to review the forum, but I thank everyone for their posts, insights, and advice. In reading everyone's comments, I should add:

 

I am not going to leave my wife. I love her dearly. She is, and always has been, the most beautiful thing that happened to me. I say this because, even though she cheated on me years ago, I know that she has been faithful to me during our marriage. She has cared for me and loved me and I believe her love and affection has been genuine. There is zero doubt about that now.

 

We both dated others before we met. However, she was a conservative girl and she took a while to open up sexually. Since then, she has been open minded, willing to please and be pleased, and willing to experiment with me. From my perspective, the sex with her has been AWESOME. However, I was the one, I always thought, who brought her out of her shell, despite the fact that we both had physical relationships before. It was, therefore, quite surprising to learn that she cheated, and that the physical relationship with the guy progressed quickly and so passionately! It was hard to hear that the best she ever had came from another, and came so quickly. It just doesn't seem like her at all. Even back then. I am struggling to understand that part.

 

To hear that his animal magnetism overwhelmed her was very hard to hear. Her confession, I know, came because she didn't want to keep the secret because she is worried about death. If not for her meds and anxiety, her confession wouldn't have come out at all.

 

She admitted to the old affair, and the rest came because I had questions - plenty of them. I wish that I didn't ask the questions that I asked, but she was in a fog and admitted that that other guy was more aggressive, better looking, and more skilled than me. I know now that she regrets letting me hear these things. I know that she didn't mean to hurt me -- but she did hurt me deeply.

 

I will never unhear what I heard and I still feel inadequate. The worst is that I can't keep questioning her - her health can't handle this. She is still unwell. But, this is fresh for me and I have many, many questions. What was is that made him so good, what did they do etc etc? What could I have done better? Why did she stay with me.

 

The key is that her behavior back then seemed so uncharacteristic of her and I am struggling to understand it. I struggle to understand why she ended the relationship with him and stayed with me. She can only say that it was because she loved me and knew that what she was doing was wrong. She did end it with him after their second encounter. In fact, she became quite hostile toward him -- I just don't know why and her explanations of the events make no sense. It happened within moments, she says, of their last passionate encounter. I want to understand why she went from submitting to him to cutting him out so quickly, but she is at a loss to explain this and I can't push this at this time.

 

This has been a struggle, but my wife is not a bad woman. She may have made a mistake or made a bad decision, but I fear that I will not have closure. That is why I am here - I need help processing this. However, regardless of what I learn about the past, I love this woman, I am still passionate about her, I still desire her sexually and emotionally, and I will never leave or abandon her because I know that she loves me and cares for me. I just struggle ... and hurt ... and obsess. It is hard to let go of this pain because I never thought that she would have done what she did, or have become so physically involved with someone she met just weeks before. It remains enigmatic for me. I fear that it will never make sense and I don't know if I can live with all of these questions and the lack of closure should she succumb to this terrible illness. Facing her illness, and learning what I learned, is far too much pain for me to bear some days.

 

I worry all day long that she will die from her illness and the thought of losing her cripples me. I honestly don't know how I can live without her.

 

However, your various comments and view points help me process this. Thank you for that.

 

This D day has shocked you, normal response.

Glad you want to recover the marriage.

Though keep in mind that recovery takes two to

five years for you to heal.

[GoldenR]

No way does this mean she has been pining all

these years for the OM. Guilt eating at her from

time to time though is more likely.

 

Guilt wouldn't make her talk about how good the sex was.

[Ed15]

The key is that her behavior back then seemed so uncharacteristic of her and I am struggling to understand it. I struggle to understand why she ended the relationship with him and stayed with me. She can only say that it was because she loved me and knew that what she was doing was wrong. She did end it with him after their second encounter. In fact, she became quite hostile toward him -- I just don't know why and her explanations of the events make no sense. It happened within moments, she says, of their last passionate encounter. I want to understand why she went from submitting to him to cutting him out so quickly, but she is at a loss to explain this and I can't push this at this time.

 

Thanks for your continued comments. It is helping me to process all of this because I can't keep going back to my wife with these questions. However, can anyone shed light on the issue I noted above? Some of this doesn't make sense to me - especially ending things so fast just after an amazing sexual interaction. I would appreciate the female perspective. Do you think things would have ended this way? Or, do you think I am being gas-lighted in some way?

[GoldenR]

Thanks for your continued comments. It is helping me to process all of this because I can't keep going back to my wife with these questions. However, can anyone shed light on the issue I noted above? Some of this doesn't make sense to me - especially ending things so fast just after an amazing sexual interaction. I would appreciate the female perspective. Do you think things would have ended this way? Or, do you think I am being gas-lighted in some way?

 

 

First off, I'm not a female....but...

 

My gut feeling? It has to do with what they talked about afterwards. My guess is that she started talking about the future with him, as in a future together, and he let her know that she was just a piece of ass to him. At that point it would be very likely that the lightbulb went off in her head asking with the words, "What the **** am I doing? I have a wonderful, loving fiance that worships me and would never hurt me". And then begins her beratement of the OM.

 

But this is all guessing, but it's the only thing that makes sense to me.

Edited October 18, 2017 by GoldenR

[d0nnivain]

Some of this doesn't make sense to me - especially ending things so fast just after an amazing sexual interaction. I would appreciate the female perspective. Do you think things would have ended this way? Or, do you think I am being gas-lighted in some way?

 

Especially because you got this "confession" from a sick bed while she was heavily medicated, I doubt she had the mental faculties to gas light you. That takes cunning which she didn't possess under the influence. You got a drug version of in vino veritas. So rest assured that you know the whole truth.

 

Great sex isn't as important to women as loving sex. Your wife got sex from this other guy. But that may have been all she got. With you she got fun love making; a solid partner, a good friend, a confidant, a quality provider & an awesome dad for her kids. You are the total package Even if back then he did one thing better then you, you were & still are the superior guy because you tick ALL the boxes.

 

In another post you described some of the more adventurous things you & your wife have done. You mentioned a strip club I think.

 

She also mentioned that she thought he was better back then. I took that to mean that you have grown as a lover & now are the best at pushing her buttons.

 

Over the years she may have romanticized her 2 encounters with him & some aspect of the forbidden nature of that tryst probably ratcheted up the so called passion but you & she have sustained 15 years. For you the magic was still there until you learned about this aberration. Guess what? If she wasn't getting her buttons pushed by you for all of these years, she knew where the door was & that she was (probably still is) hot enough to replace you. She didn't do that because you are the love of her life.

 

For her some memory of some fling she had more then a decade ago does not compare to the life she built with you.

 

Try to focus on that.

[MJJean]

Thanks for your continued comments. It is helping me to process all of this because I can't keep going back to my wife with these questions. However, can anyone shed light on the issue I noted above? Some of this doesn't make sense to me - especially ending things so fast just after an amazing sexual interaction. I would appreciate the female perspective. Do you think things would have ended this way? Or, do you think I am being gas-lighted in some way?

 

Woman here.

 

Physical chemistry, lust , attraction, animal magnetism, whatever you want to call it, is completely separate from emotion and is out of our control. We can't choose who we are sexually attracted to, those are automated systems in the chemical engine that is the human body. Attraction, no matter how intense, doesn't mean we love or even like the other person.

 

In other words, it's possible to have mind blowing, reality altering, intense sex with someone you wouldn't want to befriend, much less have a relationship with. Been there, done that. The sex was freakin amazing, but I had zero desire to attempt a relationship with those men and stopped at a few encounters because anything further would just be a waste of time and energy.

 

My guess? Intense sex was all this guy had to offer.

 

Especially because you got this "confession" from a sick bed while she was heavily medicated, I doubt she had the mental faculties to gas light you. That takes cunning which she didn't possess under the influence. You got a drug version of in vino veritas. So rest assured that you know the whole truth.

 

Yeah.

 

A fellow I've known since Jr High had to have emergency surgery. While in recovery and just coming to, he developed diarrhea of the mouth and confessed to faking going to work every day as he'd lost his job and that he'd been involved in an affair. The man wasn't fully conscious yet when his wife started calling friends and looking for divorce attorneys.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Ed, I think Donnivain has put it across very well and you would do well to take what she has to say with some gravity. Golden also has a point but at this point in your battle with the trauma you are facing you would be better off not dwelling on that possibility for the moment.To add to what both of the other posters have had to say, I would like to offer the following line of thought. It has been said here on these forums and at various other places that women sometimes get drawn to Bad Boys like a moth to a flame. Let me be clear this statement does not encompass all of womanhood. There are many women who are able to resist the attraction that such 'Bad Boys' exude but a number of other good women do fall prey to their charms. You wife (then GF) may have been one of them. The sexual high that she got from being with him the first time probably led her to having another tryst with him. I think sometime time during the second episode she may have had an epiphany as to the grievous choice she had made and how that had put her whole future with you in jeopardy. You said that she was a sexually conservative person at that point of time. Maybe during her trysts with him, he treated her with scant respect using her like a rag doll which while the novelty and excitement of the forbidden act may have given her a drug like high, when she did come down to Mother Earth, she would have been able to assess the whole experience for what it actually was. A sordid and sleazy event which did not sit comfortably with her image of herself and contrasted sharply with who she was in real life. Thus she had the epiphany and in short order broke it off with the guy, knowing that she could never be a partner to him because of their completely different world views and also because she had assessed that he did not really respect her the way you did.

 

In reading on these forums I have come to the conclusion that there is so much avoidable pain that people undergo and I wonder why this should be. I recently happened to read the life story of the great American psychic, Sylvia Browne and one of the things I gleaned from her wonderful life journey and experiences was that we ( Our spirit selves) chose what we want to experience in this life on earth to help us grow and develop spiritually. I wont go into any details as people are likely to boo me but I will say this . Some of the bad experiences that we undergo while on Earth is of our own planning especially emotional pain. Also, the more pain and suffering that we undergo the faster is our spiritual development. I know I am treading on dangerous territory here so I will call it off here but my point is that if you think along those lines maybe your pain will seem less burdensome.

 

I also wanted to suggest that you should google the name Victor Frankl. This person was a German or Austrian Jew who was incarcerated in on of Hitler's concentration camps just waiting to die. In fact everyday his prison mates were dying around him and yet Victor held on to life and hope because he had realized a very important truth while locked up there. He came to the realization that no matter what atrocities the Germans heaped on him, they could not touch his mind and as long as he had control of his mind he was a free man. This one fundamental truth helped him survive where others were dying like flies and when the American forces liberated the inmates who were left in the camp, Victor was among the. He later settled in the US and he wrote a book about his experiences. Maybe you could get the book on Amazon and read it to help you through this difficult time. Warm wishes.

[Southern Sun]

I think it's really sad that OP is having to decide how to forgive his wife *now* while she is likely dying of breast cancer...in her last days. I am very sorry that she saddled you with this information at this point.

 

I take it that what you are really struggling with is this:

 

Quite frankly, I could come to terms with this, but when she described being with him - because I prompted her for some details -- she admitted that he was sexually aggressive, a great kisser, and made her feel desired because "he was really, really into me." However, because things heated up so quickly, she felt guilty and she ended it. Basically, I got the feeling that she felt guilty because of quickly things got hot. However, in the days the followed her admission, I struggled, and I questioned. I wish I hadn't.

 

My wife admitted that she found this guy more attractive than I was "at the time." Also, she admitted that he kissed her with more passion than I ever did. She also noted, reluctantly, that she never felt the same passion with me as she had with him. All of these admissions came while she was on medication and I now realize that she regrets saying what was said.

 

I think you should probably do some reading on affairs. Even though you weren't married, so this technically wouldn't be termed an affair, it would still qualify as it relates to the forbidden aspect. Starting a relationship with someone when you "aren't supposed to" adds an element to the passion, excitement, and feelings of lust, that one just does not have with a long-term partner, with whom you have a sense of security and with whom the flowing dopamine has been replaced with oxytocin (excitement turned to bonding).

 

I would bet that if she met that guy in a normal way, they might have had a nice physical relationship, but it wouldn't have been any better than yours has been over the years. In fact, flip-flop the situations - if your relationship with her had been the illicit love affair, she might have been telling someone else on her death bed about how sex with you was the most passionate she's ever had.

 

I'm just saying...it's all chemicals and hormones. And it has NOTHING to do with the 15 years you have shared and the life you've built together. She saw it as the huge error in judgment it was and chose you.

[GoldenR]

I think the OP's most recent question to us is specifically asking if it's plausible that she has sex with Jim and then immediately after they finished, she attacks him verbally and calls it off with him. I believe that's what he's not understanding.

[Ed15]

I think the OP's most recent question to us is specifically asking if it's plausible that she has sex with Jim and then immediately after they finished, she attacks him verbally and calls it off with him. I believe that's what he's not understanding.

 

Yes. Exactly. She said that her last tryst with him was extremely passionate and hot and she felt that he was really in to her and it turned her on. However, moments later, she became upset and she ended things despite the fact that he never said anything to her to alienate or upset her. She acknowledged that she became hostile and angry toward him and they never met or even spoke again. Indeed, from what I have learned, he never called her and he left her company shortly afterward. That is how they met. He worked with her for only two weeks before all of this happened. Then he was gone.

 

Something there doesn't make sense. That level of volatility toward someone, including him, would seem uncharacteristic of her.

 

Maybe it is possible that she went from being so into him and turned on to feeling like she was being used - that might explain it in my mind. Maybe something happened for her to feel that he was just using her as a piece of a**, as was noted above. However, she was at a loss to explain how she went from point A to point B so fast.

 

I struggle with that part.

Edited October 18, 2017 by Ed15