From bad to worse ...

[Cephalopod]

Ask her if you can have a one night hall-pass and $1,500 to bed a really high-end, skilled hooker: a gal who can suck a golf ball through thirty feet of garden hose.

 

 

Just ask her. See how she reacts. (I'm not saying you should go through with it.)

 

 

Tell her thank you for stripping you of your masculinity, and then take her down to an auto parts store and ask them if they have parking brake kits... Tell them your wife's parking brake is malfunctioning.

[Cullenbohannon]

Or you can try something a little different.

 

Role play

 

The kissing and making love the traditional way isnt working. Shelve the lovey dovey stuff for now and just take her, Become the someone else inside of you. Maybe infuse a little of your anger (within control) and try a little domination. She needs to be reminded of who the man of the house is and where she belongs. To hell with the OM. Pop a Cialis. Do not focus on making it great for her, just look at her as a woman and take it. (assuming she feels a little remission)

 

I may be incorrect, but ask yourself a question. Why was the OM "better" A part of it was the forbidden, but another part of it may have been that he took what he wanted. He saw a sexy woman and used her for just that. Of course it was passionate. Of course she felt wanted and desired. However she was not desired for love, She was not desired for who she was as a person. She was desired and taken for the rawness of pure male and female. Even though she loved it, after 2 dates, she realized thats all there was, so she dumped him. Only a woman would do that. A man would take it 20 more times before making the same decision.

 

This is where you can far exceed the other guy. While he could only offer the raw, you can offer both.

 

Start in the morning with a simple text. Escalate during the day. and when it is time, take her just for the female. Just for you. Just for what you want.

 

Then take her out to dinner the next day. Suit and Tie.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Cephalopod, that was cruel. I guess in the end we are all human and liable to make bad choices along with the good. Ed's wife made a bad choice while engaged to him, the results of which have come to haunt their marriage today, but she also made the good choice of marrying him and kept making that choice for 15 years everyday with no cheating involved. I guess the cynics will say that she also made the bad choice of not revealing her indiscretion to him in all these years. That is true and I think that is a burden she is going to carry for the rest of her life. However, the idea is to help Ed deal with things given that he has decided to continue with his marriage and divorce is not on the cards for him. Yes, he has to have his questions answered honestly and I think that is the least his wife can do to help him overcome his trauma. She will have to be truly remorseful if she wants to help the marriage from her side and given that she had been a faithful wife for 15 years I think she would put in the necessary hard work to recover the marriage at all costs. So lets not add insult to injury and just help the poor man get his self respect back! Warm wishes.

[knabe]

Ask her if you can have a one night hall-pass and $1,500 to bed a really high-end, skilled hooker: a gal who can suck a golf ball through thirty feet of garden hose.

 

 

Just ask her. See how she reacts. (I'm not saying you should go through with it.)

 

 

Tell her thank you for stripping you of your masculinity, and then take her down to an auto parts store and ask them if they have parking brake kits... Tell them your wife's parking brake is malfunctioning.

 

I don't think the OP would do this. Based on HIS character, I see him being a quality man who helps his wife through a life-threatening illness, and then, if he cannot cope with the massive betrayal, he will simply tell her he cannot and file for divorce. He strikes me as the type of man who doesn't think HER bad behavior entitles HIM to be crappy. He seems stronger than that.

[knabe]

Or you can try something a little different.

 

Role play

 

The kissing and making love the traditional way isnt working. Shelve the lovey dovey stuff for now and just take her, Become the someone else inside of you. Maybe infuse a little of your anger (within control) and try a little domination. She needs to be reminded of who the man of the house is and where she belongs. To hell with the OM. Pop a Cialis. Do not focus on making it great for her, just look at her as a woman and take it. (assuming she feels a little remission)

 

I may be incorrect, but ask yourself a question. Why was the OM "better" A part of it was the forbidden, but another part of it may have been that he took what he wanted. He saw a sexy woman and used her for just that. Of course it was passionate. Of course she felt wanted and desired. However she was not desired for love, She was not desired for who she was as a person. She was desired and taken for the rawness of pure male and female. Even though she loved it, after 2 dates, she realized thats all there was, so she dumped him. Only a woman would do that. A man would take it 20 more times before making the same decision.

 

This is where you can far exceed the other guy. While he could only offer the raw, you can offer both.

 

Start in the morning with a simple text. Escalate during the day. and when it is time, take her just for the female. Just for you. Just for what you want.

 

Then take her out to dinner the next day. Suit and Tie.

 

I'm pretty sure this movie has already been made....and it got reviews almost as bad as Twilight lol

[wmacbride]

I don't think the OP would do this. Based on HIS character, I see him being a quality man who helps his wife through a life-threatening illness, and then, if he cannot cope with the massive betrayal, he will simply tell her he cannot and file for divorce. He strikes me as the type of man who doesn't think HER bad behavior entitles HIM to be crappy. He seems stronger than that.

 

op,

my mom passed away several years ago from cancer. It as her second go round on the chemo/surgery/radiation train.

 

One thing I vividly remember from those times is how she had very little patience for "crap". In her mind, she needed to make sure all the loose ends were tied up. ( for her, it was more about some mistakes she felt she had made as a parent). It was as if knowing she had limited time left made it more precious, and she didn't want to waste any of it. Between that and the pain meds she was on, she was quite "goosey loosey" at the time, but I understand why she felt the way she did.

 

Another thing I remember really well is how she almost needed to have something to keep her mind off her cancer. There were some horrible things going on for one of my children at the time, and being ale to feel like she was helping her helped my mom too. Quite frankly, she was absolutely terrified, and being able to have a serious subject to discuss actually helped her, weird as that may sound.

 

The reason I am telling you this is not to suggest that you hash all this out,full force, but that it might actually help her to talk about her feelings and your relationship. Ask her first, of course, if she is up to it, and then go. if she feels her health permits it, thank her for her honesty and tell her how you feel. Just because she is sick doesn't mean she wont be able to discuss this. Follow that up by talking about all the good times you two have had, the laughter you have shared, how you have both grown together, your children, the future.

 

It's a rough go for all of you right now, and I would suggest you get counseling as a family. Not just for her per-marital affair, but because one of the heads of the household is sick, and that affects everyone.

 

Best of luck to you and your wife. If you two can get through all of this crud, the rest is a piece of cake.

 

( btw...if palliative or hospice care is available in your area, access it. Don't let the names scare you. They help people who have a life threatening illness, and can help with everything from family counseling to pain control, respite acre and much more)

[tinker683]

My advice:

 

Step 1) Thank her for being open and honest with you, tell her that you want to talk about this once she's recovered from this and you will need a full disclosure from her about any other secrets she's hiding, but that right now you want to focus on her and her recovery.

 

Step 2) Be there for her. Whatever your feelings about the situation of what happened 15 years ago, she needs you now, and she's your wife. If you can't perform for her sexually, then find other ways to be intimate when you can.

 

Step 3) Once she's recovered (and hopefully she will) THEN you talk about it, get everything out into the open, and get in the process of working through this.

 

Yes what she did sucks. Yes you have every right to feel angry and hurt, and you absolutely should NOT ignore that. But she is your wife, you are your husband, and this is one of those moments in your marriage where you're going to have to work harder than you have before.

 

Should you divorce her? I think thats something you two should discuss once she's better. If my wife told me, after 15 years of marriage, that she had a fling before we got married and regretted it, I would be incredibly angry and hurt for a while, a LONG while even, but I would find a way to work through it because I love her.

 

Hell, I've only been married to my wife for 18 months and I feel that way now.

 

But...thats me. Sorry your wife is sick and you're going through this. I hope the best for the both of you.

[Cullenbohannon]

OP. You said the Cialis worked. The only problem is in your head. Do what you have to do to change your thought patterns. Even if you have to watch a "bad movie'

Edited October 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed off topic comments

[Just a Guy]

Hi Cullen, folks forget that the brain is the biggest sex organ there was. Call it the sex computer and the rest of the stuff are peripherals. No wonder OP shrinks when he thinks of something to do with the affair.Just saying. Warm wishes.

[Cephalopod]

I gave the advice I gave somewhat flippantly because I want him to ask his wife what she would do if he told her that he was going to find a woman who is far superior to her in bed and see how she would feel.

 

 

When they have their talk, he needs to ask her how she would feel if the roles were reversed.

 

 

Her illness and retroactive guilt does not give her a pass to tear him down.

 

 

And by the way I have been on some very powerful drugs in my time. I stayed doped up on oxycodone for two weeks after back surgery, and as doped up as it made me I never got so ditzy that I would have said anything like that to someone I love.

 

 

I think many of you are giving this woman a lot of undeserved sympathy.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Cephalopod, it is not so much for his wife that I posted my remark. More for the OP as he is already in a bad way with everything that he is having to handle. The point is that the OP has taken the call to stay in the marriage, irrespective of what his wife may or may not reveal later on. I think that is a very brave step by him and indicates that his love for his wife trumps any negative feelings he may have for what she did and how she let him know about it. It also indicates that he is being the better person in this sordid drama.

 

As far as his wife confessing her misdeed to him after 15 years, you are absolutely correct that that is something she should have taken to her grave. I do not know what justification she gave herself for confessing now. If any confessing had to be done it should have been done at that time and before they got married so that the OP could take a call on whether he wanted to marry her after such an incident. She did take away that option from him by keeping quiet at that time and that is something that will haunt her to the end of her days knowing how much pain she has caused to the man she professes to love. I hope that explains my reason for my post. Warm wishes.

[Cephalopod]

Hi Cephalopod, it is not so much for his wife that I posted my remark. More for the OP as he is already in a bad way with everything that he is having to handle. The point is that the OP has taken the call to stay in the marriage, irrespective of what his wife may or may not reveal later on. I think that is a very brave step by him and indicates that his love for his wife trumps any negative feelings he may have for what she did and how she let him know about it. It also indicates that he is being the better person in this sordid drama.

 

As far as his wife confessing her misdeed to him after 15 years, you are absolutely correct that that is something she should have taken to her grave. I do not know what justification she gave herself for confessing now. If any confessing had to be done it should have been done at that time and before they got married so that the OP could take a call on whether he wanted to marry her after such an incident. She did take away that option from him by keeping quiet at that time and that is something that will haunt her to the end of her days knowing how much pain she has caused to the man she professes to love. I hope that explains my reason for my post. Warm wishes.

 

It's not so much that I have a problem with her confessing.

 

 

It is her telling the man who loves her that the guy she screwed behind his back was Mr. Goodbar. She could have left out that detail.

[road]

I gave the advice I gave somewhat flippantly because I want him to ask his wife what she would do if he told her that he was going to find a woman who is far superior to her in bed and see how she would feel.

 

 

When they have their talk, he needs to ask her how she would feel if the roles were reversed.

 

 

Her illness and retroactive guilt does not give her a pass to tear him down.

 

 

And by the way I have been on some very powerful drugs in my time. I stayed doped up on oxycodone for two weeks after back surgery, and as doped up as it made me I never got so ditzy that I would have said anything like that to someone I love.

 

 

I think many of you are giving this woman a lot of undeserved sympathy.

 

Problem is that he asked his WW for the details. I sorry but

when a BH asks about the OM's performance and who was

better it is not her fault if the OM was better.

 

According to you a WW is suppose to lie to her BH.

 

Remember this: never ask a question that you may not

like the answer. Because once an answer is heard it can

never be unheard.

[road]

It's not so much that I have a problem with her confessing.

 

 

It is her telling the man who loves her that the guy she screwed behind his back was Mr. Goodbar. She could have left out that detail.

 

Again, a WW is not suppose to lie to her BH when he

asks questions about the affair. One can be honest without

being brutal.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Road, you are right about the wife answering truthfully , the questions her husband asked her. The only thing is that she needn't have embellished her answers, and given very graphic details and also added that she was into the fellow because he was so much more passionate than her husband. It is almost as if she was enjoying being vindictive with him and wanting to hurt him deeply. I think this is what Cephalopod is trying to get at. She just needed to mute her answers while giving him the truth that the sex was good. Now that the cat is out of the bag she will have to carry the burden of having hurt her husband for no rhyme or reason and giving him a reason to leave her, if after some time, he finds he cannot stomach what went down all those years ago. Just a thought.

[road]

justaguy, we do not know exactly how the questions were

asked or how they were answered. So to use the word Embellish

to describe the WW's answers can lead to false assumptions.

 

We do know that years of guilt eating at her, her illness, being drugged,

most likely affected her judgement.

 

We do know he wants every detail. So combine her need to come clean

with his need to know is how things have been told.

 

BH's do not want to be lied to. They also do not want to hear that sex with

the OM was better.