My wife is jealous of my friend

[d0nnivain]

It's not so much about choosing.

 

 

It's reassuring your wife by deeds & actions that she is Queen Bee & that you will always put her first. Once you show her this she will feel less threatened by Linda.

 

 

One of my EXs was a gigantic flirt. Nobody understood why it didn't phase me in the slightest. The answer is because it didn't matter how much he flirted with other women; I was always secure in the knowledge that he was leaving with me, coming home with me & was never going to take it farther than flirting. Heck if a woman tried to take him up on the promises he was seemingly making he would run & hide behind my skirts. His flirting was not why we broke up.

 

 

In contrast, shortly after we were married my husband was paying too much attention to a pretty young colleague while they were at an out of town training. To her credit the young woman went out of her way to put distance in her interactions with my husband. He was clueless & insisted he was just being chivalrous. Because he had previously failed to make me feel like the most important woman in his life, I was not happy about his interactions with the young colleague. Like you, he kept insisting that he'd done nothing wrong.

 

 

When we hashed it out at the top of our lungs over the course of several days, my husband finally understood why I was so upset. He had left me alone in a bar to walk the colleague back to the hotel where the company has been putting them up. He insisted that he did this because she was a young girl alone in a strange city so she needed protection where I was more independent & worldly so I would be OK on my own for a 1/2 hour. he completely missed the point that the girl chose to leave to give my husband & I alone time. My husband's assessment of our relative life experience wasn't incorrect but the girl in Q had other colleagues to walk back to the hotel with & they were all military veterans, fully capable of self defense, a skill I lacked.

[knabe]

Do you frequently dismiss your wife's feelings, believe you know better than her, and shut down anything that might necessitate a change that you might need to make? I ask because even in your posts here, it does not seem to occur to you that you could, in fact, be wrong. Your operate from the completely secure assumption that YOU are fine. This kind of thinking isn't usually isolated to a particular crisis. It's typically an ingrained personality trait.

 

The things about true fidelity and being a good spouse is that you can't logic away the shortfalls. You can't make an emotional affair fine just because you know how to use your own logic to your advantage.

 

This is what is going on: You are spending a great amount of time doing things alone with another woman, talking about important things with another woman, and hiding it. That is what is called an affair, even if not one article of clothing comes off.

 

Your wife is not jealous or unreasonable. She has super accurate radar.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Red, you know what the real danger is? One day your wife will have had enough and will either file for divorce or have an exit affair, blindsiding you completely. It seems to me that you are lacking in empathy for your wife and you had better up your game in that department otherwise you are going down Heartbreak Avenue. Best wishes.

[Timshel]

Op,

a.) You insist that your feelings for Linda are purely platonic, to the point that she is 'just one of the guys.'

b.) That your wife's discomfort with your friendship is inaccurate/misguided.

 

One thing that you have not expressed (perhaps because you can't know) is how Linda is feeling about your 'friendship.' That is an unknown variable and one of which you can only make assumptions.

 

It is odd that a mature woman who was first your wife's friend and was once a married woman herself would be comfortable allowing this situation.

 

It seems her first loyalty would be to your wife to dissuade any hint of impropriety. Then, as a husband, so should you.

 

You may want to consider that a third person's feelings are involved here and Linda may not view her role as 'just like one of the guys.'

 

You seem intentionally obtuse about this scenario.

[kittencupcake]

If it comes down to it (which it might)..is your friendship with Linda more important to you than your marriage?

[anika99]

You say you would choose your wife over any friend any day but in fact when you made the decision to dismiss your wife's feelings and to begin lying to her to protect your friendship with a woman, you chose that friend over your wife.

 

Marriage counseling is a great idea and I really hope you will go with the best intentions of enriching your marriage. I hope you haven't chosen counseling as a tool to manipulate your wife into allowing you stay friends with Linda because that isn't likely to be the outcome. Any marriage counselor worth their salt will see right through that ploy. Also you cannot go to counseling with the intention of lying to your wife or the counselor. That means if you go intending to talk about your friendship with Linda then either your wife or the counselor is likely to ask you if you have honored your wife's wish that you not hang out with her anymore. If you lie and say yes then you have already defeated the purpose of marriage counseling and proved that you are just trying to manipulate and control to get your desired outcome.

 

And another thing just occurred to me. You have said that since your wife has become jealous of Linda and your friendship with her, that you have gone on the down low, deleting texts and communications you have with Linda so that your wife is in the dark. How does that work if Linda is a friend of your wife's..? How do get Linda not to call you or text you at home? How do get her not to tell your wife about playing tennis or other outings she has had with you since your wife asked you not to see her? Is Linda colluding with you to keep your friendship with her secret from your wife?

[Whoknew30]

Place yourself in your wife's shoes.

 

She isn't crazy, she is watching you share and have a close relationship with another, one that she likely wishes she shared with you.

 

Boundaries, you are slow stomping out boundaries, hiding contact, sneaking around..so explain to us how it different from an affair? Not all affairs are sexual. By definition, you are having an emotional affair.

 

This is a PERFECT example how a spouse can push an affair. He’s hiding bc his wife is pushing him to. She pushed him into liking the women & now throwing a fit. He didn’t cause this, she did! No marriage should be ran by one spouse’s insecurity...it causes major relationship issues. When a spouse is truly not doing anything wrong, nagging them about you’re own insecurities is unfair, immature & damages trust.

 

OP...my husband & I have plenty of intertwined friendships. He’s gone to the bar with my friends, I’ve gone with his. We’ve both hang out with all of our friends spouses alone, multiple times & there has NEVER been cheating or any jealousy between any of us...& we both had A 9 years ago that we have successfully worked through & still didn’t give up those friendships. In fact our group of friends knew & helped us through it all.

 

A lot spouses are going to have an issue bc most people allow their insecurities to run their lives...so just bc that seems to be the norm doesn’t mean it’s healthy. Let your wife know the truth...that’s she’s being severely insecure & it’s going to cause damage to your marriage. Good luck

[kittencupcake]

This is a PERFECT example how a spouse can push an affair. He’s hiding bc his wife is pushing him to. She pushed him into liking the women & now throwing a fit. He didn’t cause this, she did! No marriage should be ran by one spouse’s insecurity...it causes major relationship issues. When a spouse is truly not doing anything wrong, nagging them about you’re own insecurities is unfair, immature & damages trust.

 

OP...my husband & I have plenty of intertwined friendships. He’s gone to the bar with my friends, I’ve gone with his. We’ve both hang out with all of our friends spouses alone, multiple times & there has NEVER been cheating or any jealousy between any of us...& we both had A 9 years ago that we have successfully worked through & still didn’t give up those friendships. In fact our group of friends knew & helped us through it all.

 

A lot spouses are going to have an issue bc most people allow their insecurities to run their lives...so just bc that seems to be the norm doesn’t mean it’s healthy. Let your wife know the truth...that’s she’s being severely insecure & it’s going to cause damage to your marriage. Good luck

 

Wow. No..just no. This is a warped and terrible way of thinking about people.

 

Everyone is responsible for their own choices and mistakes. People cheat because they are selfish, not because someone else made them do it.

 

If your spouse is doing something you don't like, use your words, not hurtful, life-ruining actions. You effed up and it's clear that you are still reluctant to own up to it, which means you are ripe for another affair.

[Whoknew30]

Wow. No..just no. This is a warped and terrible way of thinking about people.

 

Everyone is responsible for their own choices and mistakes. People cheat because they are selfish, not because someone else made them do it.

 

If your spouse is doing something you don't like, use your words, not hurtful, life-ruining actions. You effed up and it's clear that you are still reluctant to own up to it, which means you are ripe for another affair.

 

First, cheating is usually symptom of a bigger issue. Cheating is never justified..but certain things can make a relationship ripe for cheating...one of those things is making a partner feel like they’ve done something wrong, when they haven’t. I’m not defending cheating but what I’m saying when one is awful to their spouse for no reason & is making them pay like they did cheat...it puts someone in a pretty ripe position.

 

A spouse that is making you pay for their insecurities...is a life changing negative action. He has been honest & she betrayed his trust over insecurities...now he feels he can’t trust her. That was her doing. So it’s actually her that has messed up the trust in her marriage.

[Red_fangs]

First, cheating is usually symptom of a bigger issue. Cheating is never justified..but certain things can make a relationship ripe for cheating...one of those things is making a partner feel like they’ve done something wrong, when they haven’t. I’m not defending cheating but what I’m saying when one is awful to their spouse for no reason & is making them pay like they did cheat...it puts someone in a pretty ripe position.

 

A spouse that is making you pay for their insecurities...is a life changing negative action. He has been honest & she betrayed his trust over insecurities...now he feels he can’t trust her. That was her doing. So it’s actually her that has messed up the trust in her marriage.

 

Thank you for all of this, finally somebody gets what I’ve being trying to say. I do feel my wife is very insecure, she is insecure about a lot of things of her self and constantly feels depressed about them, it doen’t matter how much effort I put into reinforcing her self confidence she always feels this way, I think that insecurity may have caused all of this mess. I think I was wrong in the lying part, but I also feel there was absolutely no reason for that amount of jeaolusy, she made me feel that the wrongs cheating bastard that has ever lived, I don’t see how can that be fair in any level.

[Whoknew30]

Thank you for all of this, finally somebody gets what I’ve being trying to say. I do feel my wife is very insecure, she is insecure about a lot of things of her self and constantly feels depressed about them, it doen’t matter how much effort I put into reinforcing her self confidence she always feels this way, I think that insecurity may have caused all of this mess. I think I was wrong in the lying part, but I also feel there was absolutely no reason for that amount of jeaolusy, she made me feel that the wrongs cheating bastard that has ever lived, I don’t see how can that be fair in any level.

 

It’s not fair & my H did this to me for years (not with friends) but with everyone else. I got screamed at 7 months pregnant bc I got hit on. After years it ate away at our marriage & I ended up cheating. Was it right or justified, no but after all those years of being treated like a cheated, I finally just did it.

 

I’m not saying that’s what you’re going to do but already lying about contact is kind of the start of that type of mind frame bc of the anger from getting all that crap from not doing anything wrong. Maybe therapy? Or just tell her what it’s doing to you, from experience, it will cause a relationship to crumble to continue that way.

[elaine567]

Wait a minute, you are deliberately avoiding the riper reasons for cheating and that is spending all your time with, and emotionally investing in someone of the opposite sex who is NOT your spouse, isolating yourself from your spouse, denigrating your spouse for his/her reasonable insecurities when she/he has obviously been "replaced" by the OSF, prioritising your "new found " OSF over your spouse and lying through your teeth to your spouse about how much time you are actually spending with the "friend"...

 

This has nothing to do with his wife's reasonable reactions to her husband choosing to prioritise another woman. She is the "normal" one here.

A man in a committed relationship should not be acting like the OP has done.

His wife introduced them in good faith, little knowing her husband and her so called friend would betray her trust...

[Whoknew30]

Wait a minute, you are deliberately avoiding the riper reasons for cheating and that is spending all your time with, and emotionally investing in someone of the opposite sex who is NOT your spouse, isolating yourself from your spouse, denigrating your spouse for his/her reasonable insecurities when she/he has obviously been "replaced" by the OSF, prioritising your "new found " OSF over your spouse and lying through your teeth to your spouse about how much time you are actually spending with the "friend"...

 

This has nothing to do with his wife's reasonable reactions to her husband choosing to prioritise another woman. She is the "normal" one here.

A man in a committed relationship should not be acting like the OP has done.

His wife introduced them in good faith, little knowing her husband and her so called friend would betray her trust...

 

No she’s not normal...she did all this. She pushed him to be friends & now is insecure. This whole situation is 100% on her. Insecurity isn’t an excuse to treat your spouse like crap after you pushed your friend me at them..

 

She broke trust by looking through his stuff. When a spouse is being 100% honest & you break that trust...one should expect the consequences that come with it. People pull away emotionally from a person that’s just broke their trust.

[elaine567]

She got her husband to give her divorced friend a job.

Like a nice person does.

She did not expect the husband and the friend to then conspire against her...

 

This is exactly why divorced females end up as pariahs in the couple groups they used to frequent... she and the husband have now crossed the "appropriateness" line...

[Sandy43]

No she’s not normal...she did all this. She pushed him to be friends & now is insecure. This whole situation is 100% on her. Insecurity isn’t an excuse to treat your spouse like crap after you pushed your friend me at them..

 

She broke trust by looking through his stuff. When a spouse is being 100% honest & you break that trust...one should expect the consequences that come with it. People pull away emotionally from a person that’s just broke their trust.

 

I don't see where she pushed anything, she asked him to help her out with a job.

I find it quite telling that your wife has been crying and hurt by this but what got you upset was Linda's reaction to you trying to slow down communication with her.

Please read up on emotional affairs, this is how they start, you may not see it but your wife does.

[Whoknew30]

She got her husband to give her divorced friend a job.

Like a nice person does.

She did not expect the husband and the friend to then conspire against her...

 

This is exactly why divorced females end up as pariahs in the couple groups they used to frequent... she and the husband have now crossed the "appropriateness" line...

 

It’s actually mind boggling to me that a spouses friend becoming friends with their spouse is a big deal...under these circumstances. They weren’t hiding anything, being a 100% translucent, all having dinner together & now that the wife all of a sudden insecure, he’s the jerk? Nothing sounds unhealthy about this situation except the wife’s behavior. Though OP you should have never crossed into lying territory yourself but the trust was broken by your wife first.

 

Also, has your wife said anything to Linda?

[RecentChange]

If your wife is friends with Linda.

 

And you found that you also wanted to be friends with Linda – Why did your wife get excluded? Why the private texts, why the private meet ups?

 

I prefer male friends, I just tend to jive with guys better. I really enjoy some of my husband’s friends, and some of my female friend’s husbands.

 

But I would never take one of my husband’s friends “off line” and make it my private friendship. Its disrespectful, its inappropriate. I want to send Matt some texts to ask him about something? Well then it’s a group text, with the Mr included. I want to hang out with Matt? We can both hang with Matt, after all, he is friends with my husband before me. There shouldn’t be anything that couldn’t be shared and enjoyed by the three of you. And I have single friends that my husband likes as a friend – again, we do things together, or just me and my female friend – I don’t send my husband out to be their emotional support.

 

I would also NEVER agree to text, meet, call etc one of my female friend’s husbands (unless its about a gift or a birthday party or something for my female friend!). Again, disrespectful – I really wonder why Linda thinks is this hunky dory. Did you tell her about the concerns your wife, her friend, have about your relationship? What was her reaction?

 

Where does your loyalty lie, and where does Linda's?

[RecentChange]

It’s actually mind boggling to me that a spouses friend becoming friends with their spouse is a big deal...under these circumstances. They weren’t hiding anything, being a 100% translucent, all having dinner together & now that the wife all of a sudden insecure, he’s the jerk? Nothing sounds unhealthy about this situation except the wife’s behavior. Though OP you should have never crossed into lying territory yourself but the trust was broken by your wife first.

 

Also, has your wife said anything to Linda?

 

I don't think it was just the group dinners:

 

I continued to get along with Linda in and out of the office, I really liked her, she became one of my best friends and someone I could really talk to, we started talking a lot on the phone via text messages and we got very close.

 

She would still text me or ask me to hang out after this, but I tried to shut her out subtly.

 

One day, after I declined an offer to play tennis with her for the tenth time she asked me if I was angry at her for some reason, I was mortified by this statement, it was pretty clear that she felt hurt by my attitude,

 

He was MORTIFIED that Linda was hurt by his attitude - but his wife?

 

Oh shes:

Jealous

crazy

stupid

ridiculous

insecure

selfish

petty

"acts like a mad person"

paranoid

 

He uses positive adjectives to describe Linda - yet none to describe his wife, instead he uses the adjectives above to describe her.

 

He talks about how he is weary of her (his wife), and doesn't want to cut his ties with Linda.

 

And his wife is supposed to feel loved and secure when he clearly holds so much vitriol for her?

[Whoknew30]

I don't see where she pushed anything, she asked him to help her out with a job.

I find it quite telling that your wife has been crying and hurt by this but what got you upset was Linda's reaction to you trying to slow down communication with her.

Please read up on emotional affairs, this is how they start, you may not see it but your wife does.

 

One shouldn’t hang around a friend they don’t trust. If you as a spouse push for your friend to work with your spouse...how naive to think they aren’t going to become closer. If I personally thought I couldn’t trust one of my girl friends with my H or vice versa...neither would be in life to begin with. I worked with one my H friends & we went out to eat & shopping on our breaks all the time...my h could care a less bc he knows (& I cheated!) that he can trust me around his friends.

 

My H & friend’s have & again will hang out. I will hang out with my H friend’s & my friend’s husbands & if I all of a sudden freaked out about it...I know my friend’s & husband would talk about privately. If I really thought something I’d confront both my H & friend...not just throw fits to my husband like a child.

 

This whole situation is my normal...I kind of feel sorry for others that can’t trust their spouse/friends with each other. That’s really sad.

[Sandy43]

The op stated that jealousy was never an issue before in their marriage, this does not sound like a woman who is jealous of every woman her husband speaks to.

Op I think that you do love your wife however Linda is newly divorced and depressed, she is showing you a lot of attention and probably attracted to you. You may not feel the same way about her but she is most likely interested in more than friendship with you. You need to tread very carefully because it can be very easy to become involved in a situation that you had no intentions on getting into in the first place.

[GoldenR]

Red Fangs -

 

You've avoided the question over and over and over. Is it ok for your wife to text and call and make lunch dates, work out with, have inside jokes with and purposely exclude you when she's with a guy friend of yours?

 

You are in an EA. You don't want to hear it. You've gotten annoyed when it's been said here. But it doesn't make it any less true.

 

And having one poster here say that your W is to blame? That's absolutely ridiculous. You came here only looking for us to agree with you. Yet you get 95% ppl yelling you your doing wrong, and one oddball saying "Go for it! Do you! Your wife is burdening you!", and that's the one you say, "I think you're right, thanks!" to.

 

Well then why come here? Why not just ask Linda about it? I'm sure she'll tell you that you're 100% right.

[rainy daze]

He's also saying he'll come back after counselling- because he thinks the counsellor is going to agree with him after he didn't get the reply he wanted here

[GoldenR]

He's also saying he'll come back after counselling- because he thinks the counsellor is going to agree with him after he didn't get the reply he wanted here

 

You never know with counselors. It's a crap shoot with them.

 

I wish Mrs Red Fangs would come here and ask for help.

[JuneL]

I recently had to interact quite a bit with the husband of one of my best (female) friends for something not directly related to this best friend. At first, I would just forward this best friend all those text messages I sent to the husband. Later, I realized it was a lot of trouble, so I set up a messaging group consisting of the 3 of us. Even though some of these messages were not this best friend's direct business, i thought it's the respectful thing to do to keep her in the loop.

[S2B]

If you really love your wife you will end the friendship with this other woman.

 

It doesn't matter what it is - it's caused YOU to hide your communications with this other woman.

 

Just stop all contact with the woman that's getting way too close to you!

 

You will if you value your wife.

 

Tell Linda no more contact due to you reconnecting with your wife. IF she respects the marriage she will go silent.

Edited October 18, 2017 by S2B