My Bad Dating Woes

[GuitarGuy7]

I'm 22 years old and have never had a girlfriend, never had sex, and have never kissed a girl. A part of the reason for this is because growing up, I couldn't talk to women at all. I wasn't able to have a full on conversation with a girl until I turned 20. That was also the year I signed up for Tinder and was getting ghosted and flaked by countless amounts of women. As a result, I went into a state of extreme depression. I became so lonely and depressed that any sort of rejection would have completely destroyed me, so I was too emotionally ***ed up to date when I was 21.

 

It wasn't until I was 22 that I went on my first date. I was super nervous so I hardly said anything, and of course she ghosted me afterwards which I was super depressed for a week afterwards. I went on a date with another girl later the same year but the moment I saw her, the physical attraction wasn't there. I wound up hanging out with her 3 times but only as a friend because we share a love of photography.

 

Iv'e asked a couple other girls here and there but they all have said they have boyfriends.

 

It hurts when I see people who never struggle with dating. I know many people who have been in many relationships at young ages. They're single and get into another relationship within a year.

 

Some people can find someone with relatively little effort. They're naturally attractive, have a friendly and extroverted personality, and can draw people in. For me on the other hand, attention from women has never been handed to me on a silver platter and it probably never will. If I wanted to date, then I had to put myself out there in a position to talk to women and also learn how to take initiative even if it meant constant rejection. And if I messed up or did something wrong, there was no girl willing to hold my hand along the way. Failure was my only teacher.

 

The only way i'll ever find someone is to fight. There's no other way.

[EthanSPK]

Hey pal, 23-year-old virgin male here.

 

About your current situation... maybe you should start by just being friends with lots of women. Before searching for a relationship, you have to learn some basic social skills and know how girls think/behave. Otherwise you'll be lost in the wild and left to your own devices.

 

I had my first kiss when I was 14 years old - it was terrible. After that, I didn't date girls until I was 17 and it was totally random and unexpected. You have to slow down and enjoy girls in a friendly way before considering the idea of dating. Otherwise they'll think you are desperate (yeah, they can smell it from miles away).

 

As you can see, there is no magic solution. Just forget about dating girls for now, that wil make you anxious. Expect nothing from them. Be friendly. When the time comes, you will know - believe me.

 

 

Oh, by the way: don't mind your lack of sexual experience. Sex might be awkward if it's with someone you're not totally comfortable with. Don't listen to the 'pornstars'.

Edited October 16, 2017 by EthanSPK

[Cookiesandough]

I'm 22 years old and have never had a girlfriend, never had sex, and have never kissed a girl. A part of the reason for this is because growing up, I couldn't talk to women at all.[...]

I was like this for most of my life, but with guys(am a chick).

That was also the year I signed up for Tinder and was getting ghosted and flaked by countless amounts of women. As a result, I went into a state of extreme depression. I became so lonely and depressed that any sort of rejection would have completely destroyed me, so I was too emotionally ***ed up to date when I was 21.

 

Sorry to hear about your experience. I have heard OLDing can be very rough for men

 

I went on a date with another girl later the same year but the moment I saw her, the physical attraction wasn't there. I wound up hanging out with her 3 times but only as a friend because we share a love of photography.

I understand that, too. It's too bad, but if it's not there, it's just not there. Attraction is hard to force.

 

 

 

Some people can find someone with relatively little effort. They're naturally attractive, have a friendly and extroverted personality, and can draw people in. For me on the other hand, attention from women has never been handed to me on a silver platter and it probably never will. If I wanted to date, then I had to put myself out there in a position to talk to women and also learn how to take initiative even if it meant constant rejection. And if I messed up or did something wrong, there was no girl willing to hold my hand along the way. Failure was my only teacher.

Some people are 'naturally' that way and some require more effort, true. Doesn't mean you can't get there, though.

 

The only way i'll ever find someone is to fight. There's no other way.[/QUOTe]

What do you mean by fight? What's your strategy

Edited October 16, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[GuitarGuy7]

I was like this for most of my life, but with guys(am a chick).

 

 

Sorry to hear about your experience. I have heard OLDing can be very rough for men

 

 

I understand that, too. It's too bad, but if it's not there, it's just not there. Attraction is hard to force.

 

 

Some people are 'naturally' that way and some require more effort, true. Doesn't mean you can't get there, though.

 

 

What do you mean by fight? What's your strategy

 

 

It's nice to see someone who was in a similar situation. Iv'e been reading some of your threads and I hope you find success in dating and also hope you understand that you're not less of a person because you can't find anyone.

 

Yeah online dating is tough for some guys. I consider myself average in looks, probably anywhere from 4 to 6 although because of my short height and slim frame, this may be a turn off for some women so this contributes to my lack of success online. I rarely match with women and when I do match with someone decently attractive, she's messaging 5-10 guys at the same time so it's hard to compete. For me, Tinder is mostly a waste of time.

 

 

For me, my strategy has nothing to do with Tinder. Screw that site! I like meeting women in real life. Right now i'm taking classes in college. What I like to do at the start of the semester is sit in the back of class, and as the teacher is taking roll, write down the names of all the pretty girls in class, go home and look them all up on Facebook, find out who's single and who's taken, sit by a cute girl who's also single. Think of some way to try and talk to her, build up for rapport with her then ask her out after a month or two of talking. That's my blueprint.

 

I actually used this strategy on a girl this semester. I tried asking her out but it actually turns out she has a boyfriend. I thought she was single but it turns out I accidentally looked up the wrong Facebook profile thinking it was her lol.

 

Actually this one girl I went on a date with, I met her through Facebook. She has an art business, I pretty much just complimented her on her art, we hit it off, I asked her to go on a walk and take some pictures two weeks later. That's the girl I wasn't physically attracted to but I did end up making a new friend.

Edited October 17, 2017 by GuitarGuy7

[normal person]

The only way i'll ever find someone is to fight. There's no other way.

 

You've got the right attitude. Way too often you see guys come on here expecting the universe to hand them a women because they're so nice, as if life ever works out like that. Western society has gotten so comfortable and soft that people tend to forget life is basically a competition for resources. Most things worth having usually have to be fought for, in one way or another.

[CptInsano]

The only way i'll ever find someone is to fight. There's no other way.

 

This goes in the right direction, but it is not necessarily a fight. More than not I was rewarded for simply taking the initiative. It's more about taking risks, accepting that you won't be successful every time, and focusing on the positive, which in my experience outweighs the negative as soon as you leave passivity behind.

[d0nnivain]

You have under developed social skills. Now at 22 you are learning things that other people learned from 14- 16. It doesn't mean you can't learn to talk to people & carry on a conversation, even master the art of small talk. It means that when you slip up it will be more noticeable & less forgivable then if you did it as a teen.

 

 

If you have the funds take a Dale Carnegie class called How to Win Friends & Influence People. It literally teaches the skills you lack but is very expensive. If you don't have the money, ask your local school when the next time they have a training scheduled & ask if you can be a student there. That is about $100 What happens is when the school hires new trainers their "final exam" is to have a practice with "real students" people like you who pay to be the test subjects. You get the same material in a more condensed format -- over a weekend instead of several weeks -- & the people who are coaching you are newbies who are just learning. I enjoyed seeing behind the scenes. There are master coaches on site to help the newbie trainers so it's not totally the blind leading the blind.

 

 

Once you master some of those social skills & feel more at ease with people your dating life will improve.

 

 

Another option may be for you to join the group ToastMasters. That is really more about public speaking but it addresses self confidence in business settings & networking, which translates to social interactions.

[Cobra_X]

I'm 22 years old and have never had a girlfriend, never had sex, and have never kissed a girl. A part of the reason for this is because growing up, I couldn't talk to women at all. I wasn't able to have a full on conversation with a girl until I turned 20.

 

Hey pal, 23-year-old virgin male here.

 

Please listen to me. I struggled with women in high school. By 18 I was just frustrated and angry... part of that was my family situation growing up but I didn't realize that until years later.

 

I knew that in High School the girls liked athletes, so I joined some sports and within 4 months everything changed. Back then I thought it was because I went from weak and pudgy to completely shredded look. The truth is that I started hanging around boys that were really successful with women and I naturally began copying what they did.

 

1. If you are nervous around women... it means you are putting them on a pedestal. You are worried what she will think of you. Your goal is to get to a point where you don't care what women think of you! There are several strategies to accomplish this, some are healthier paths than others.

 

2. Tinder sucks for most guys because they don't understand how it works. I sucked at Tinder the first month and it left me in shock. How can I be so successful in person but suck at Tinder? I sat down with my computer programmer cousin and we figured out the algorithm and how to make it work. At one point I had 160 matches on Tinder in a month.

[thecrucible]

Ignore other people. Don't compare what you are doing to them because that's a black hole. If it isn't to do with women, you'd be comparing something else. Try and tune out that interference. It sometimes looks like others have it better but that's not necessarily the case.

 

I honestly think you would gain more by focusing on growing your confidence and personality for its own sake. And when you do it, you will meet more women naturally. You could do a bit of volunteering, build your confidence by doing other things you wouldn't have done before and do it bit by bit. Trust me that that is what will make you more appealing to women - 'cause you have stuff going on and interesting stories to tell.

 

Don't run before you can walk. Look at the big picture and build your confidence as you go along. For instance you might want to try out your conversational abilities on people in general before building up confidence with women. You might want to make friends/acquaintances with women to get more used to the opposite sex etc.

 

Just don't give up. You are much younger than you think and a lot can change in the space of a few years at your age. I feel like I am a different person at almost 28 to who I was at 22.