My girlfriend is still in contact with her ex after they sexted each other

[Cookiesandough]

We talked about it. I asked her straight up when the last time she talked to him was. Maybe she had a hunch that I knew but she came right out and said it, which I appreciated. She said that she doesnt know why she does it, they were together for such a long time, he was her childhood, she definitely does not want to be with him, she minimizes things in her head, and a few other things. It was late so I told her to go home.

 

She called me about an hour later and broke up with me because this isnt fair to me, that she isnt respecting me or our relationship, and that i deserve so much better than her. I told her that I wouldnt want to continue until she figures out why she keeps contacting him and what she really wants in life right now. So we are taking a break to figure things out (her stuff and if I want to continue our relationship), though, we agreed to not see other people while on it. Im fully prepared for us to break up by the end of it.

 

Did I do something wrong?

 

You should have used that conversation to break up with her. She cheated on you and doest really want to be with you, but with her ex. He won't be with her, so she's with you.. Your ego and/or heart may struggle with that, but the signs are clear as can be and you will continue to get hurt if you don't wise up to them. You should walk away.

Edited October 20, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[caveman621]

This time last year I [24f] found out that my girlfriend [22f] of 2 years was sexting her ex.

 

Ummm. OP, are you female? Everyone answered like you are male. When you put 24f was that an error?

[BluesPower]

Did I do something wrong?

 

Not at all... However the one thing that you maybe could have done better is completely dump her.

 

She knows that you know. And of course, you know she has been sleeping with him, right? And, you also know that the BS about not seeing other people is just that, complete and total BS.

 

So you are better off starting to date now, or at least put the vibe out that you are available, because let's face it, she is already gone and she has been.

 

Don't sit around and wait for her to tell you that she chose her ex or someone else, because that is what is going to happen...

[kendahke]

We talked about it. I asked her straight up when the last time she talked to him was. Maybe she had a hunch that I knew but she came right out and said it, which I appreciated. She said that she doesnt know why she does it, they were together for such a long time, he was her childhood, she definitely does not want to be with him, she minimizes things in her head, and a few other things. It was late so I told her to go home.

 

She called me about an hour later and broke up with me because this isnt fair to me, that she isnt respecting me or our relationship, and that i deserve so much better than her. I told her that I wouldnt want to continue until she figures out why she keeps contacting him and what she really wants in life right now. So we are taking a break to figure things out (her stuff and if I want to continue our relationship), though, we agreed to not see other people while on it. Im fully prepared for us to break up by the end of it.

 

Did I do something wrong?

 

No. You did nothing wrong.

 

There's no such thing as "a break". You're broken up; therefore, you are free to see others, so don't agree to not see anyone else.

 

She's going to be seeing him--she probably called him on her way home and talked to him and that's why she ended it.

 

If she wanted to be with you, she never would have suggested ending things.

 

You dodged a bullet.

 

Date others.

[fidelcashflow]

A couple of questions:

 

1) Everybody is saying that I shouldnt date right after she leaves a relationship. But we started half a year after they broke up. Whats the right amount of time?

 

2) Everybody is saying "She wants to be with him" or "He doesnt want to be with her so she is with you" but he literally told her that he would break up with his current gf to be with her. And she told him no and that she wants to be with me. So im not really seeing the connection there...

 

And yes, that was a typo. Im a guy

[dumbass2]

You two are broken up so don't try to believe otherwise. You're either together or you're not in which case either of you can see who you want. Breaks or separations can happen in a marriage where there is a lot more on the line. Let me ask you this. If she was to get back with you right now do you honestly think you could trust her? Don't you think even a year down the road if you got back that this still would make you wonder? Trust is a hard thing to get back. You now have some serious baggage with this girl. I think it's best that you tell her it's not a "break" but a break up and that you two should no longer be in contact. If not I think Ivan safely predict the same behavior from her going forward.

[dumbass2]

A couple of questions:

 

1) Everybody is saying that I shouldnt date right after she leaves a relationship. But we started half a year after they broke up. Whats the right amount of time?

 

2) Everybody is saying "She wants to be with him" or "He doesnt want to be with her so she is with you" but he literally told her that he would break up with his current gf to be with her. And she told him no and that she wants to be with me. So im not really seeing the connection there...

 

And yes, that was a typo. Im a guy

 

People can also lie. My ex told me she was over a year since her last and came to find out it was only a month. She wasn't over him and I ignored the signs. You just have to watch for the signs and bottom line is a month or a year, if they're not over them you'll know it and you know it with this girl.

[Space Ritual]

Fidel,

 

You know what to do. I feel the pain in your post. Obviously you love her and it is for all intents and purposes, going unrequited.

 

She keeps the guy around for ego kibbles at the very least. If they ran into each other recently I'd bet dollars to donuts she banged him recently.

 

Somebody that has THAT much attachment to an ex where they will mislabel them in their contact list on purpose means they are not really into their significant other as they claim to be.

 

Words are cheap...about as cheap as a St. Louis Hooker. Actions mean everything. Thus far she has proven by action that she will cheat on you physically if the opportunity presents itself. And it obviously has. No one keeps a flame like that unless the other person banged them real good.

 

Run screaming into the night from this one, and chalk it up to experience before she drives you nuts. She already is, so get her out of your life this very day or you'll regret it. And get an STD test. I wouldn't trust this one any farther than I could throw her. And in your shoes I'd be throwing her like a Discus

[Space Ritual]

Should I talk to her about this? It seems like she is totally virtually flirting with him through all the likes. Am I being totally unreasonable about this?

 

Sure, talk to her about it...While you have your boot firmly planted up her ass in the sweeping motion required to kick her to the curb.

 

You are only being unreasonable if you allow her to continue to date you at this point. If she hasn't banged him yet she is certainly gearing up to do just that.

 

Life is too short. Sure, there are a lot of vehicles these days for people to carry on with nefarious activity. That does not mean you have to remain in Limbo due to her poor decision making.

[Space Ritual]

And she told him no and that she wants to be with me. So im not really seeing the connection there...

 

Fidel,

 

That is because there is NO connection between her words and her actions.

 

You have started another thread recently regarding this same girl.

 

Ask yourself these questions:

 

1. If these questions about my GF and her potential extracurricular activities rear their ugly head on multiple occasions (hence the different threads), then what benefit am I getting from being in this relationship?

 

2. Why am I relying in what she tells me about these incidents when what she says runs completely counter to her actions? Am I really the one she wants to be with or is she paying me lipservice while her actions bring to light a potential desire to wrap her lips around somebody else's member and giving them the service?

 

3. What do I see in her? And what future do we have if I cannot be sure she can keep her legs closed?

 

Young man, you already know the answers to these questions. And I understand your hesitancy to pull the plug here. But these nagging questions are not going to go away. On the contrary, they are beginning to pile up.

 

 

Yank that plug like it was Bin Laden in a Coma with a DNR.

[Cookiesandough]

A couple of questions:

 

1) Everybody is saying that I shouldnt date right after she leaves a relationship. But we started half a year after they broke up. Whats the right amount of time?

 

2) Everybody is saying "She wants to be with him" or "He doesnt want to be with her so she is with you" but he literally told her that he would break up with his current gf to be with her. And she told him no and that she wants to be with me. So im not really seeing the connection there...

 

And yes, that was a typo. Im a guy

 

How do you know that last part to be true? Dude it's so clear she still wants her ex but cant be with him the way she wants. Why are you letting yourself get played. Downgrade her. This stuff frustrates me so much smh

[Space Ritual]

She called me about an hour later and broke up with me because this isnt fair to me, that she isnt respecting me or our relationship, and that i deserve so much better than her. I told her that I wouldnt want to continue until she figures out why she keeps contacting him and what she really wants in life right now. So we are taking a break to figure things out (her stuff and if I want to continue our relationship), though, we agreed to not see other people while on it. Im fully prepared for us to break up by the end of it.

 

Did I do something wrong?

 

Yes,

 

You didn't boot her out of yoru life a ong time ago.

 

If you think she will honor that not seeing other people business while you two are on a "break" after she says she does not know why she does these things, then young Fidel, you will get a rude awakening.

 

She is laying the groundwork for you to come back like a lapdog and resume the relationship once she has gotten her depths plumbed either by her ex or the other guy form Instagram...or both. And for you to accept her excuse when you find out they both treated her like a farm animal that "we were on a break" or that she is "confused", or not sure "What she wants".

 

Yeah, this subforum is littered with the husks of people that took their spouse, gf or bf at their word when they agreed to not see anyone else during the "break". Only to come back a short time later and tell us that they could not believe they were betrayed...

 

Dude, I don't ever want to have to tell another person here "I told you so"...unless you are a total jackwagon that deserves it.

 

And you are not a jackwagon. You are just a young man with your heart being ripped out inf front of your eyes.

 

Delete her from your life before you become another husk.

 

If your best friend was telling you this story, what would your advice be to them?

Edited October 22, 2017 by Space Ritual

[Cookiesandough]

A couple of questions:

 

1) Everybody is saying that I shouldnt date right after she leaves a relationship. But we started half a year after they broke up. Whats the right amount of time

 

 

It's not even about that. They are still in sexual and/or romantic contact!!! She's still sexting with him when she could have been sexting with you! You're playing yourself. Sorry

Edited October 22, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[kendahke]

2) Everybody is saying "She wants to be with him" or "He doesnt want to be with her so she is with you" but he literally told her that he would break up with his current gf to be with her. And she told him no and that she wants to be with me. So im not really seeing the connection there...

 

What she's saying and what she's DOING are two different things.

 

And you have to look at what she is DOING--because she'll say anything to not be alone and keep her convenience: you.

 

Let's look at this:

This time last year I [24f] found out that my girlfriend [22f] of 2 years was sexting her ex.

I confronted her about it and she agreed to block him.

 

Things were good for another 6 months when I noticed a message pop up from him on her phone.

So, sometime in those 6 months, she decided to be deceitful and unblock him so she could talk to him. Doesn't matter the reason. Did she come to you immediately and tell you that dude's family member died and that she was going to unblock his number so she could reach out to him and "comfort" him? He had family and a girlfriend to do that, so don't know what she felt she had to offer since they'd been broken up. That was her trying to get back with him while he was in a vulnerable position--and he had a girlfriend already, so she was trying to be the side chick on the DL.

 

We almost broke up then but I gave her another chance.

 

She, again, blocked him as well as taking the extra step in deleting his number.

 

A couple of months ago, curiosity got the best of me and i checked to see if he was still deleted. His number was saved under the name, "G". He was, however, still blocked so I didnt bring it up.

 

A couple of nights ago I noticed "G" under her recent texts.

Again, sometime in the past few months, she decided to be deceitful again and unblock him and not tell you she was doing this. I mean, if right was so on her side on this, what did she have to fear by telling you?

 

She is looking in your face everyday and lying in it.

 

Here's the thing: A woman who is emotionally done with her ex DOESN'T sextext with him. She doesn't lie by omission to her current boyfriend, she doesn't unblock the ex nor does she rename her ex's number so she can still receive sexts from him, because as you said, she got rid of the messages before you could see them. If she had nothing to hide, why delete them? Because they were proof of her deceit.

 

I guess my question now is: how can you believe anything she says about anything? She's proven that she's not above lying and keeping you in the dark. Are you going to like the person you have to become in order to have this chick in your life?

Edited October 22, 2017 by kendahke

[Space Ritual]

Here's the thing: A woman who is emotionally done with her ex DOESN'T sextext with him.

.

 

OP, THIS is the main difference in these matters between most men and women...

 

In these matters,we men tend to want to stretch this out if possible because they want to get what they can, while they can..as we have fragile egos it is a mystery to many of us men why all women wold not want us simply because we exist(.I am writing that through the eyes of my 20 year old self...not my 53 year old self.)

 

When a woman is DONE...she is DONE.

 

Your GF is far from that and showing you by actions just the same that she is far from done..

[Coffeeguy]

Don't do me. Don't chase after that girl you think deep down is so special when in reality, she is not. The circle just keeps spinning and for every good pang she gives you, there will be three bad ones to follow. Don't wait on this like I did, where I became so emotionally trapped with someone screwing with me, I adapted the habits and brought it back to her. It's awful. Deal without her right now and in time, you will feel better and ask yourself "DAFUQ WAS I THNKING?"

[Cookiesandough]

I don't know if you can even tell someone this. It's something they inevitably learn after getting dragged and disrespected until eventually the other person leaves them for someone else or tells them it's just not working. Or they just reach the end of their rope with the blatant cheating(rarer).

 

Then they are embittered and jaded about rships for years to come. It's like reading from the same script. Denial is a weak opiate but it's enough

Edited October 22, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[OatsAndHall]

We talked about it. I asked her straight up when the last time she talked to him was. Maybe she had a hunch that I knew but she came right out and said it, which I appreciated. She said that she doesnt know why she does it, they were together for such a long time, he was her childhood, she definitely does not want to be with him, she minimizes things in her head, and a few other things. It was late so I told her to go home.

 

She called me about an hour later and broke up with me because this isnt fair to me, that she isnt respecting me or our relationship, and that i deserve so much better than her. I told her that I wouldnt want to continue until she figures out why she keeps contacting him and what she really wants in life right now. So we are taking a break to figure things out (her stuff and if I want to continue our relationship), though, we agreed to not see other people while on it. Im fully prepared for us to break up by the end of it.

 

Did I do something wrong?

 

You did everything right, actually. But, I would strong advise that you just move on from this relationship as nothing good is going to come from it. A trust was broken and you are just going to wear yourself down trying to trust her again. I guarantee you will go back to checking her phone and questioning her at every turn if you do. That's not healthy, for either of you.

 

You're both young; learn from the experience and move forward.

[snowbird7]

OP, I do think you're being a little unreasonable, but if it really bothers you then you should talk to her about it. It's best to get things out in the open.

 

But I do think you're overreacting. I mean, let's keep things in perspective. We are talking about 'likes' here...

[Blanco]

OP, I do think you're being a little unreasonable, but if it really bothers you then you should talk to her about it. It's best to get things out in the open.

 

But I do think you're overreacting. I mean, let's keep things in perspective. We are talking about 'likes' here...

 

Coming from someone who doesn't consider letting someone who isn't her boyfriend use sex toys on her "cheating."

 

OP, you have valid reason to at least be on your toes. At first, I thought maybe this was just some random dude on IG, but if they're communicating, there's at least some deception going on. At best, it's inappropriate and showing a lack of boundaries. Rather than shut down the guy's innuendo, she encouraged it.

[Zahara]

I have to wonder if "there is no more talk" because she knows you saw her chat session with him and she's using other methods to communicate with him.

 

The flirting between them is definitely crossing a boundary. You can talk to her but I don't think much is going to change.

[Zahara]

OP, I do think you're being a little unreasonable, but if it really bothers you then you should talk to her about it. It's best to get things out in the open.

 

But I do think you're overreacting. I mean, let's keep things in perspective. We are talking about 'likes' here...

 

This wasn't just about the "likes" -- there was inappropriate flirting, much like the boundaries broken in your own situation.

[smackie9]

Dude they are having an emotional affair. It's just getting to that, she is testing the waters. I doubt complaining about it is going to change anything except she will be hiding it/deleting stuff more regularly now you have seen what she has been up to. She's not 100% committed in your relationship, a possible sending to her to the curb might be in order.

[Blanco]

Also, sorry, but at 22, she's still barely a real adult. She's in college. She's been with you since she wasn't even old enough to be caught at a party with a brew in her hand. She's got some growing up to do. It's unlikely this has long-term written all over it going forward, regardless.

[fidelcashflow]

About a year ago my [24m] girlfriend [22f] of two years decided to tell me about her cheating past (not with me, her ex).

 

Basically, her and her high school bf went to colleges 6 hours apart. And ypu can guess what happened- we have all heard this story 1000 times, she cheated on him with a bunch of guys.

 

All of them were at her college except one guy that she worked with during one summer. She broke it off with him when she left college (about 3 years ago). They didnt talk for a year until she broke up with her ex and started dating me. They hooked up a few days before we had the exclusive talk, which is kind of ****ty but we werent exclusive.

 

They then didnt talk for another year until now when i notice his name popping up on her phone now. He has sent her a couple of facebook messages (which she showed me). And i noticed that he is one of her "best friends" on Snapchat.

 

This bothers me. But am i being unreasonable? A lot of people say that talking to exes is ok, but this isnt really an ex.