She's not ready to give "us" a chance. How can I convince her?

[abhayh]

Hey guys,

 

This is my first ever post on any relationship forum EVER. This post will probably get a little long, so I apologize in advance

 

I'm 29. She's 26. We've known each other for a few years now.

 

Everything I'm about to say here, I've told her all this a few times already. So, yes she knows how I feel about her.

 

A couple of years ago, I told her how I feel about her for the first time (in detail, sort of). We had a long talk. She was interested at the time in getting in a relationship and so was I (still am). But after some time (9-10 months) she thought that she should focus more on her career than getting in a relationship. I told her that it wasn't like an "either this or that" situation. We could've done both together. But she wasn't ready at the time, so we decided to take a break and separate our ways. We kept in touch, we were chatting online every now and then. We both were figuring things out, personally and professionally - about our goals, future, career etc.

 

Even after we separated our ways, I still continued to have feelings for her. I didn't tell her because I wanted to give her the space that she had asked.

 

Anyway, fast forward to 2017, we met after a long time in May, for some business-related stuff. We've met a few times since then, and because we have a history, sometimes conversations go to our personal lives.

 

And as it turns out, I'm still obsessed with her (in a good way). I don't mean to sound like a freak. I'm a good boy (ahem, I'm 29) I used those exact words when I told her this a few months ago. She knows that I still have feelings for her.

 

She is still kind of struggling with her career and goals. But I can see it in her eyes that she has got some things figured out and has some ideas about where she wants to go.

 

I asked her if she is considering getting into a relationship. Maybe we can pick it up where we left off. But she still doesn't seem to be ready for that.

 

Aside from focusing on her career, the main reason that she has told me as to why she doesn't want to commit to a relationship is because she has seen some relationships go bad in her family. She has told me this many times since we first met a few years ago.

 

She is still afraid that if she gets into a relationship with someone, the same thing might happen to her, and she will get hurt. We've had many long conversations about this, even recently. I've told her many times that there's NO WAY something like that could ever happen between us. And that's not just my opinion, it's a fact. Like I said, I'm a good boy (again, ahem, 29) Overall, based on my history and all the things I've done since like ever, I think it's fair to say that I'm a good person. I could've posted a link to my autobiography, if I had one. It would probably have only a few pages, but it'd be worth a read I bet

 

Anyway, back to the point, she recently told me that she wants to focus on her career for a few more years and then she'll consider getting into a relationship. But the thing is, I don't want her to spend a few more years like this, when I'm here to help her and be with her.

 

She and I have had a similar journey when we were in our early 20s. We both have faced similar problems. I'm an introvert so I've never fully opened up with anyone, even my parents. But when I'm with her, I open up to her every time, because she understands me due to our similar journey, history and similar goals for the future.

 

Even if lets say we don't end up marrying each other, we are still going to be friends for the rest of our lives. It's not like either of us is going to curl up in a ball in our bed and cry about it Neither of us is going to spend our lives in depression or anything. That's not me and that's not her. We are both passionate about our lives, we love and enjoy our lives and we have some goals to achieve.

 

But here's the thing: she knows me more than anyone else. She understands me, my thoughts and my goals. She and I have gone through a similar journey and are still on a similar path (personally and professionally). And she knows that I love her. I've made that explicitly clear many times

 

If that's not the definition of the perfect life partner, I don't know what is

 

How can I convince her of the fact that us getting together is actually the BEST thing for both of us?

 

Once I get some replies from you guys, I'm going to send her a link to this thread, so that she can check it out and hopefully.......Christmas comes early for both of us

[JellyTot]

Sorry, I don't think you can really convince her - nor should you try to. She doesn't want a relationship right now, or maybe she just doesn't want a relationship with you. Bottom line, if a girl wants you she will show interest and want to be with you. This girl clearly doesn't and you can't make her. Why would you want to be with someone who has said she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you right now? Have some self respect, give her the space she has asked for and focus on yourself instead. Date someone who is actually interested in dating you instead of pursuing someone who has already told you No.

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry, I've had a similar experience and all I can say is... When someone tells you that they don't want a relationship, you should believe them.

 

Your choice is to wait for her, and take the chance that if/when she decides she is ready to be in a relationship that she wants to be in a relationship with you... Or, move on and find someone else to date.

 

Good luck.

[d0nnivain]

You may think she is the best match for you but she doesn't think you are the best match for her. If this woman was into you, she'd never let her career stand in her way. That excuse is a polite way of saying no thank you without hurting your feelings with a direct I'm just not attracted to you response.

 

 

You need to stop being focused on her because you can't convince her to date you.

[Whodatdog]

She doesnt want a relationship with you. She's been telling you that, you arent listening. A relationship is about what BOTH of you want, not what you want.

 

She will eventually get into a relationship, it wont be with you.

[Mrs. John Adams]

The only person you can control is you. If she is not willing to help you in your relationship...there is nothing you can do about it....and I have a feeling down the road...you will see that her hesitation is a sign for you to move forward without her.

[mikeylo]

Maybe she has a bf that you are aware of ?

[knabe]

She is an autonomous person with her own mind and heart. She is not "yours."

 

She has told you what she feels (and doesn't feel). If you cannot respect that, you need to cut ties.

[notbroken]

Life is short. Too short to waste it on chasing someone that doesn't want to be caught by you. Go after someone that is passionate about you - not someone you had to work so hard to 'convince'.

[Trip2TheSky]

I'm not in sync with what others have posted on your thread, because your story lacks the content needed to give any amount of substantial advice.

 

I disagree with everyone, because unless she is married or taken, she is fair game and nothing you've written here implies any lack of interest on her end.

 

I appreciate all those smiley's xD

 

Glad I'm not the only person to overuse the emoji's.

 

You seem confident and optimistic, so my advice is to go for it and keep us posted, man.

Edited October 17, 2017 by Trip2TheSky
Typo

[d0nnivain]

I disagree with everyone, because unless she is married or taken, she is fair game and nothing you've written here implies any lack of interest on her end.

 

 

Let me interpret girl speak for you.

 

 

When the OP offered a relationship to this woman on 2 different occasions over the course of a "few" years, both times she begged off citing her desire to pursue her career as a reason.

 

 

When a woman tells a man that she wants to focus on her career instead of having a relationship with him, that means she does not find that man sexy or desirable. It is a sugar coated indicator of no interest. I'll give you it might not be all that clear to someone who doesn't speak fluent "woman" but her meaning is clear as day to the rest of us.

[Trip2TheSky]

I am a women, so I can say that everyone is different.

 

Actions are not gender specific, but I have rejected people for reasons having nothing to do with if I was interested or not.

 

That being said, I mean no disrespect.

 

I just had to add my own opinion, before this guy got discouraged from stepping up to the plate.

 

Sometimes the timing is never right for two people who are into each other. Sometimes, the time will never come, but this guy has a shot.

[d0nnivain]

OK. Then we will agree to disagree.

 

 

I consider myself an optimist but the longer I spend on LS the more I realize there are some very clueless folks out there & even more who couldn't speak clearly if their lives depended on it.

 

 

After 2 attempts both met with rejection I suspect that the OP is reading the signs wrong & that the women in Q has trouble being direct.

 

 

In a perfect world I'd be thrilled to see the OP get the happiness, hearts & flowers, relationship he wants with this woman but the pragmatist in me says optimism will only get him more hurt in the long run because these two are not on the same page.

[hammyy2k]

i know a guy who was literally crying his eyes out in a wedding ceremony when he knew his girl friend (who was my relative and knew her family) had dumped him to seek marriage of convenience

 

i was mere kid back then and i was like, grow up dude, you are crying in front of hundreds of people and making a scene for that piece of crap?

Edited October 17, 2017 by hammyy2k

[Mrs. John Adams]

Truth is perception

 

He is not ready to see that she just wants to be friends. This does not mean that sometime in the future...their friendship might blossom into something else. But for right now...she is focused on HER and not him. She is telling him that her wants and needs do not include him right now.

 

There is NOTHING he can do to make her change her mind. He can wait...he can hope...he can be there for her...he can be her friend. But she is not interested in having a committed loving relationship with him right now.

 

How he handles this information is up to him. He may be happier just moving forward with out her...and i personally think this may be exactly what he needs to do.

[1966Seahorse]

Sorry, I don't think you can really convince her - nor should you try to. She doesn't want a relationship right now, or maybe she just doesn't want a relationship with you. Bottom line, if a girl wants you she will show interest and want to be with you. This girl clearly doesn't and you can't make her. Why would you want to be with someone who has said she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you right now? Have some self respect, give her the space she has asked for and focus on yourself instead. Date someone who is actually interested in dating you instead of pursuing someone who has already told you No.

 

I couldn't have put it any better!

[knabe]

I'm not in sync with what others have posted on your thread, because your story lacks the content needed to give any amount of substantial advice.

 

I disagree with everyone, because unless she is married or taken, she is fair game and nothing you've written here implies any lack of interest on her end.

 

I appreciate all those smiley's xD

 

Glad I'm not the only person to overuse the emoji's.

 

You seem confident and optimistic, so my advice is to go for it and keep us posted, man.

 

This is likely what most stalkers think too. Just saying.

[Trip2TheSky]

OK. Then we will agree to disagree.

 

 

I consider myself an optimist but the longer I spend on LS the more I realize there are some very clueless folks out there & even more who couldn't speak clearly if their lives depended on it.

 

 

After 2 attempts both met with rejection I suspect that the OP is reading the signs wrong & that the women in Q has trouble being direct.

 

 

In a perfect world I'd be thrilled to see the OP get the happiness, hearts & flowers, relationship he wants with this woman but the pragmatist in me says optimism will only get him more hurt in the long run because these two are not on the same page.

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey, I like you and I like everyone else, too.

No need to get bent out of shape.

I still respect all of yours and everyone else's advice.

Don't think I meant any ounce of disrespect to you or anyone, because this has actually been bugging me.

I love you all and I'd hate to upset anyone.

 

Perhaps I overlooked how I portrayed myself and my thoughts.

 

I am not like any one and I've grown accustomed to being a weirdo.

My advice is essentially based on my way of thinking as a women, but you are absolutely right about the vast majority and I mean that.

 

I enjoy your posts and I'll be more careful of how I come off to people after this.

[eye of the storm]

Anyway, back to the point, she recently told me that she wants to focus on her career for a few more years and then she'll consider getting into a relationship. But the thing is, I don't want her to spend a few more years like this, when I'm here to help her and be with her. Its not your call. It doesn't matter what you want and that you want to help her. She does not want to be in a relationship right now and it is her and only her call.

 

But here's the thing: she knows me more than anyone else. She understands me, my thoughts and my goals. She and I have gone through a similar journey and are still on a similar path (personally and professionally). And she knows that I love her. I've made that explicitly clear many times She knows and still doesn't want a relationship with you.

 

If that's not the definition of the perfect life partner, I don't know what is It is your definition, not hers.

 

How can I convince her of the fact that us getting together is actually the BEST thing for both of us? You think it is best for you. Obviously she thinks differently.

 

OP, I am sorry, you are thinking about this all from your perspective and your wants. She has been clear about her feelings and wants. You just won't listen.

 

 

From what you write, you have been friendzoned.

[Just a Guy]

Hey Man, you sound like a Bull in a China shop. Your way and only your way; not even the highway. Give the lady some space to do her own thing. If she wanted you she would have hollered your name from the roof tops. Just find yourself another girlfriend and stop bothering this lady. Think of her as an ex a sweet ex who you reluctantly had to let go off. I think your problem stems from the fact that you are an introvert and find it difficult to make a lot of friends especially of the opposite sex. If you keep at this lady she will feel smothered. Join a group of young people like you or chill out with some of your work colleagues. Hope you can find someone else soon as it seems you are ready to settle down. Warm wishes.

[staggerlee71]

I think there are a few things going on here. First, the actual reason she is not interested in a relationship is she doesn't want to get invested and get hurt. Its not that she wants to focus on her career.

 

Its hard to say if she is attracted to you or not. If she was completely unattracted to you, here responses would be so much more firm and she would cease communication with you.

I think there is a timing issue here. Probably because she has some orbiters, someone else she may be interested in or she truly is not ready to invest.

 

By applying pressure about a relationship will only further her trepidation about getting into a relationship, and she will run further away.

 

Your only real option here is to date other women, live your life and stay in touch with her. But stay in touch so your keeping a line of communication open and you don't turn into her lackey.

 

If she feels at some point in the future that she is interested, she will signal you.

 

Got to back off and let this go a while

[abhayh]

Thanks everyone, the response from you guys has been amazing!

 

It's great to see this situation from different perspectives.

 

I respect everyone's opinion and suggestions. However some of you think that she's indirectly telling me that she's not interested in being with me by giving the excuse of career. Maybe that's the way I made it sound like in my original post. But she's one of those people who don't give a crap about giving indirect signals like that. Based on everything that I know about her, she's very direct. She literally says what she feels in clear direct words. She's done that to me on a few occasions (other than the times when she told me that she's not ready for a relationship right now) - and that's actually one of the things I like about her. She just doesn't care about fooling around with others like that.

 

If she just wasn't interested in me, she literally would've just told me to f*** off. Yes, I mean literally. She's done that with a couple of guys.

 

Anyway, given all that, I can understand your inputs/suggestions on moving on without her, and see if I can find someone else. If she ever feels like getting back with me, she would most probably just tell me that herself. Only time will tell.

 

Once again, thanks for all your inputs. I'll keep an eye on this thread to see if I get some more replies.

Edited October 19, 2017 by abhayh