Any idea how to handle this?

[Avenue87]

(M30) I'm afraid I might be a little broken. So, I've always been a little unlucky in love. I think that partly comes from confidence issues and also just being a little picky about who I like. I'm naturally introverted and I overthink the crap out of most things. That said, I'm a reasonably good looking guy and I can turn it on when I need to.

 

I spent most of my 20's not in a relationship and basically looking out for myself/family. I keep people at a distance, but at the same time I have this yearning to love someone and to be loved. I have found dating extremely hard. I just don't meet girls that I click with and am attracted to.

 

Anywho, after having my feelings messed around by a girl for years (long story), I finally meet someone (about 18 months ago). This new woman was 8 years older than me. But she was next level. She was/is an extremely attractive woman. She blew all the other girls that had been in my life before completely out of the water. She had come out of a relationship a year prior and she also had children. We start to date and it's great. As time goes on I know this girl likes me, I know she wants me to be serious with her and I know she wanted me to commit and make her my girlfriend. Everything on paper that I want. I just couldn't get out of my own way though.

 

For some reason I keep my distance; I tell I don't want anything serious. I feel doing so was a combination of the children, me not telling friends or family we were dating and just general lack of experience. We continue to date and she continues to push for more time with me, which was only natural. Looking back I realise how immaturely I handled things (partly because I didn't know what I was doing dating a woman like her). I was also arrogant because I knew she liked me and my ego took over a little.

 

At the beginning of January out of the blue she texts me say she has met someone else. She told me she wasn't going to wait around forever (which to be fair she had said previously - my arrogant self dismissed those warnings though). And that was pretty much that. I was blindsided and she cut all contact with me.

 

As the months roll by I really start to miss her and wonder what she is doing. About 6 months NC I find her facebook page and see pictures of her with her new boyfriend. My heart sinks. I text her to see how she is. Turns out she is expecting another baby and living with the guy and basically wants nothing to do with me (number deleted/facebook blocked). I experience pain like I have never felt before and sink into a depression that to this day hangs over me.

 

My concerns are these:

 

1) I don't know how to deal with having no closure, being dumped over text effectively for someone else and being completely cut off. I was never able to transition out of the relationship with texts and conversations etc. One day it was just over and she was gone.

 

2) I still miss her. Thinking about her and how beautiful she is, seeing pictures of the new boyfriend she is with and how happy they are... it kills me. I feel anxious and like I am about to burst into tears. It's crazy.

 

3) It took me so long to meet a girl like her. It terrifies me that I will never meet someone like her again. It's not like I am some player in a big city with a constant stream of girls to filter through either. Like I said she blew everyone I had met previously out of the water. It has been 10 months since I have seen her and I'm still can't get over her properly. I can't shake her.

 

4) I seem to have gone into some weird depression. Like the shine has been taken off of everything and nothing really makes me happy. I get these emotional shots of adrenaline/anxiety when I think about her and then I go back to some low level background depression watching the days and months go by. I feel like I am tinkering around the edges, when what I really is to go back and make her my girlfriend and commit to her.

 

What do I do? Am I going crazy?

[d0nnivain]

You are not going crazy. You are hurt & some what confused.

 

 

Your closure has to be the baby. It's sad that a grown woman of almost 40 years old dumped somebody after 18 months of dating via text but that is the spineless society in which we live.

 

 

Part of this may have been that you weren't ready to be a step daddy. The kids probably scared you more then you understood.

 

 

Think about the qualities she possessed that you liked & admired. Armed with that list set out to find another woman who possesses them.

 

 

Remember the lessen you should have learned here -- you can't keep people dangling on a string forever.

[Avenue87]

You are not going crazy. You are hurt & some what confused.

 

 

Your closure has to be the baby. It's sad that a grown woman of almost 40 years old dumped somebody after 18 months of dating via text but that is the spineless society in which we live.

 

 

Part of this may have been that you weren't ready to be a step daddy. The kids probably scared you more then you understood.

 

 

Think about the qualities she possessed that you liked & admired. Armed with that list set out to find another woman who possesses them.

 

 

Remember the lessen you should have learned here -- you can't keep people dangling on a string forever.

 

Sorry, maybe I didn't type that very clear. We met about 18 months ago, dated for about 5/6 months.

 

I was certainly worried about the step daddy role. But I look back and think maybe that shouldn't have mattered? Maybe I was just being overly cautious?

 

Oh I have definitely learnt not to keep someone on a string. I've had that lesson rubbed into my face like a giant pie.

[d0nnivain]

OK. Sorry I misunderstood the time line. I feel a little better about her sanity that she only allowed herself to be led on for 6 months not a year & a half.

 

 

Kids matter. At 30 I would have run screaming from a man with kids.

 

 

You were barely ready for a relationship. You were not ready for kids. Give yourself a break on that score.

 

 

Do reorganize your thoughts. You found one woman with these qualities; you will find another.

 

 

Hang in there.

[TheWoman]

You told her you didn't want anything serious, and then you were shocked surprised and hurt when it wasn't serious?

 

This is a 38 year old with children, she probably already had major concerns about your suitability and you confirmed them.

 

Ive dated a few men like that, they acted arrogant, thought they were above me because I had kids (baggage!) and they didnt. And then when I got sick of it and ended it, omg, the hurt, the pain, the endless messages. Their poor little egos got bruised.

 

Treat other people how you would like to be treated in return - Jesus said it first, and it works a treat!

 

Oh and when you actually care about someone else (as opposed to it being a narcissistic ego trip) you are actually happy for them when they find happiness.

[Avenue87]

OK. Sorry I misunderstood the time line. I feel a little better about her sanity that she only allowed herself to be led on for 6 months not a year & a half.

 

 

Kids matter. At 30 I would have run screaming from a man with kids.

 

 

You were barely ready for a relationship. You were not ready for kids. Give yourself a break on that score.

 

 

Do reorganize your thoughts. You found one woman with these qualities; you will find another.

 

 

Hang in there.

 

I wouldn’t say I led her on to mess with her or as a game. It was never intentional. I think I was just didn’t know how to deal with everything.

 

The trouble is you don’t know what you have until you lose it. Looking back I would have done things differently. It’s painful to think about.

 

I’m not particularly hopeful I will find someone. I know it might sound a little shallow, but it’s difficult to overstate just how beautiful she was. You just don’t see many available women like that. And seeing her with someone else just kills me. The loss and pain is horrible.

[d0nnivain]

I didn't mean that you intentionally led her on. She did get led on because you couldn't commit.

 

 

There are lots of beautiful women in the world. You will find another. If you had said she was a Nobel Laureate I'd grant you that she' a rare bird & it might be difficult to find a suitable replacement but beautiful . . . even outside AND in . . .no so tough.

 

 

Unfriend her off all social media platforms so you don't have to see her & routinely get hurt. In this modern world, that is part of NC.

[Avenue87]

You told her you didn't want anything serious, and then you were shocked surprised and hurt when it wasn't serious?

 

This is a 38 year old with children, she probably already had major concerns about your suitability and you confirmed them.

 

Ive dated a few men like that, they acted arrogant, thought they were above me because I had kids (baggage!) and they didnt. And then when I got sick of it and ended it, omg, the hurt, the pain, the endless messages. Their poor little egos got bruised.

 

Treat other people how you would like to be treated in return - Jesus said it first, and it works a treat!

 

Oh and when you actually care about someone else (as opposed to it being a narcissistic ego trip) you are actually happy for them when they find happiness.

 

It wasn’t like that. I never thought I was above her. The kids were just something in the back of my mind. I never held them against her. It made things more complicated though.

 

You’re right, I didn’t commit like I should have and it does hurt because I let her go and i regret it.

[Avenue87]

I didn't mean that you intentionally led her on. She did get led on because you couldn't commit.

 

 

There are lots of beautiful women in the world. You will find another. If you had said she was a Nobel Laureate I'd grant you that she' a rare bird & it might be difficult to find a suitable replacement but beautiful . . . even outside AND in . . .no so tough.

 

 

Unfriend her off all social media platforms so you don't have to see her & routinely get hurt. In this modern world, that is part of NC.

 

Oh I know there are other beautiful women, it’s just they have to like me too. Like I said I spent most of my 20s not in a relationship. Finding someone is tough. And when i did finally find someone who was crazy hot and i really liked I blew it lol.

 

I’m finding it all emotionally exhausting. The last 10 months have been really horrible.