# of Partners - ONS vs Dating/Relationships

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I know you can't change the past but do others struggle with partner's sexual past? Does it matter to you if they are ONS vs dating vs serious relationship?

 

 

My gf (age 43) and I played a drunken game of "I never" which ultimately led to questions about one night stands. Playing this game she told me she only had 1 ONS but a few months ago she told me 2 and also her total partners were 6. Of course my head starts going into over drive that she is not being honest with me and who know what the actual number is. I guess I should be happy she didn't give me a higher number when she was drunk.

 

 

It turns out, that her only ONS was actually a two night stand with a guy in Colorado on a ski weekend. Some background, we dated in college 20+ years ago and after we broke up she kind threw some of her exploits in my face. I remember her going on this trip 20 years ago bc she called me for a ride to the airport. I didn't know she had sex out there tho.

 

 

So the past few days my mind is going nuts with all sorts of images of her at a ski lodge having sex all weekend. Then starting thinking if her total number is 6 and I know of 5 based on the happenings of 20 years ago and her ex H being one, then who was the missing guy?

 

 

So I had her explain again and it turns out she had dated a guy briefly that I didn't know about. It actually made me feel better that I knew more info rather than my mind wonder.

 

 

Do others feel that way too or the less you know the better?

 

 

She asked me about my ONSs and said they didn't bother her but my relationship with my ex W does because the ONSs didn't mean anything to me. I thought that was interesting bc I am the opposite. I don't get in my head about her husband but I do about her ONS and the guy she only dated a few times.

[d0nnivain]

I'm in the ignorance is bliss category. Somethings you just can't un-know.

 

 

I also think timing is a factor. I'm a middle aged woman. If somebody is going to judge me now for some drunken escapade I had in college when I was a teenager, they are using an inaccurate yardstick & I wouldn't want such a person in my life anyway. By all means evaluate my character on the person I am now. The temporal proximity makes the analysis more relevant.

[Space Ritual]

I know you can't change the past but do others struggle with partner's sexual past? Does it matter to you if they are ONS vs dating vs serious relationship?

 

 

My gf (age 43) and I played a drunken game of "I never" which ultimately led to questions about one night stands. Playing this game she told me she only had 1 ONS but a few months ago she told me 2 and also her total partners were 6. Of course my head starts going into over drive that she is not being honest with me and who know what the actual number is. I guess I should be happy she didn't give me a higher number when she was drunk.

 

 

It turns out, that her only ONS was actually a two night stand with a guy in Colorado on a ski weekend. Some background, we dated in college 20+ years ago and after we broke up she kind threw some of her exploits in my face. I remember her going on this trip 20 years ago bc she called me for a ride to the airport. I didn't know she had sex out there tho.

 

 

So the past few days my mind is going nuts with all sorts of images of her at a ski lodge having sex all weekend. Then starting thinking if her total number is 6 and I know of 5 based on the happenings of 20 years ago and her ex H being one, then who was the missing guy?

 

 

So I had her explain again and it turns out she had dated a guy briefly that I didn't know about. It actually made me feel better that I knew more info rather than my mind wonder.

 

 

Do others feel that way too or the less you know the better?

 

 

She asked me about my ONSs and said they didn't bother her but my relationship with my ex W does because the ONSs didn't mean anything to me. I thought that was interesting bc I am the opposite. I don't get in my head about her husband but I do about her ONS and the guy she only dated a few times.

 

 

Wookin, Damnit!

 

Is this the same girlfriend who was going to be travelling to Italy under the guise of unwittingly being a Wingman at the Good Old Seaside Villa?

 

You should have left her in the dust already, dude. Now you are writing in with another conundrum after playing drunken game of Questions.

 

Why are you setting yourself up for failure with these drunken games?

 

Come the hell on, Wookin

 

 

This is the stuff that Middle School kids do when they get a hold of their parents Liquor Cabinet Keys on a Summer Evening and then commence to finger banging girls in the basement while their parents are upstairs watching The Gong Show.....

 

OOPS, wait a second that was me in 1976... TMI...My bad!

 

At any rate, please end this relationship. I don't think in this case it has anything to do with your Girlfriend. I think this is hangover from the whole Italy farce. You have become like a horse who is spooked at the sound of a car backfiring on the road.

 

Anything this woman is going to utter will bring about a Congressional Level line of questioning about her past and her current motives.

 

You need to dial all this stuff back a notch or you are going to wind up alone and bitter. This is the stuff that is best tacked in Individual Counseling.

 

Incidentally, I still see a few of those girls that I finger banged all those decades ago around the neighborhood. They are married, or divorced, and more than one of them are early into grandmother-hood.

 

Yet my first thought when I see them is messing around with them all those years ago...before age and gravity set in...lol.

 

I digress...But totally get out of this relationship before you destroy it further of your own accord

Edited October 17, 2017 by Space Ritual

[RecentChange]

I have never I wasted any energy on how many or what people my partner has slept with.

 

It honestly doesn't really cross my mind, it's not something I wonder about. I don't picture him with other people from his past, I don't feel jealous or insecure about it. I really don't care.

 

The only reason I know his "number" is that early on he asked mine, and I was truthful in my response, and added, "and you?"

 

Before me? I kinda feel like it's not my business beyond safe sex practices and STI status.

[d0nnivain]

Good Memory Space Ritual.

 

 

Wookin Pa Nub -- you either trust this woman or you don't. College was a long time ago.

 

 

FWIW I agree with your GF I'm much more worried about a past LTR with emotional connections, then some fleeting ONS my partner probably can't find again. Although the ONS probably comes with greater health concerns.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Space - it is the same girl. She is actually a super special girl. I have no doubts she is 100% committed to me.

 

 

I guess normally past partners is just part of life. I think out situation is a little different. We were madly in love with each other. I ended up hurting her 20+ years ago as stupid college and then she subsequently threw her exploits in my face. That was emotionally devastating to me. So I was more concerned about her partners since most were the two years after me before she met her H (now ex).

 

 

Now all these years later, we are learning to forgive and forget. Forgiveness is an incredible thing. We have found something special again.

[central]

We really don't care about past partners or what kind of partners they were. We have talked about it, and told each other the basic info, though, out of curiosity - no judgment. All that matters is that we're good partners for each other in so many ways.

Edited October 17, 2017 by central

[1966Seahorse]

My husband, by his own admittance, had seen loads of woman before we got together - me, on the other hand, had only had one other.

 

This does not - and never did - bother me in the slightest, and I did not see the need to question him about his previous "conquests" at all.

 

Everyone has a history.

 

I don't see the point in overthinking past dalliances.

 

Just my opinion!!

[Space Ritual]

I think out situation is a little different.

 

Which is why you keep finding yourself in needless drama. The only thing Different is that your ages should make this relationship "Drama Prohibitive".

 

Sadly for you , the relationship is doing the exact opposite and you are just exacerbating needless drama.

 

You need to get out of this relationship, dude.

 

Between her insane idea of Italy being a good thing and you being jealous of her past at 43 years old...Man open your eyes. This is going NOWHERE.

 

Bail on it before you drive yourself into a funk that will only be cured with a Day of Rage.

[Cobra_X]

Space - it is the same girl. She is actually a super special girl. I have no doubts she is 100% committed to me.

I guess normally past partners is just part of life. I think out situation is a little different. We were madly in love with each other. I ended up hurting her 20+ years ago as stupid college and then she subsequently threw her exploits in my face. That was emotionally devastating to me. So I was more concerned about her partners since most were the two years after me before she met her H (now ex).

 

Now all these years later, we are learning to forgive and forget. Forgiveness is an incredible thing. We have found something special again.

 

:laugh::laugh:

 

I read that previous thread. Self Delusion is a powerful thing.

[frigginlost]

Space - it is the same girl. She is actually a super special girl. I have no doubts she is 100% committed to me.

 

No offense, but bullcrap.

 

Your last two threads reek of massive insecurity regarding her. That is coming from the pit of your stomach, and it is screaming you have doubts on her commitment to you. Rightly so. The Italy trip was the tip of the iceberg with her. As time goes on, more flags are going to fly and the insecurity you have regarding her commitment will not be something you can bury.

 

Walk now, or walk later and experience twice the pain. She's not the one for you...

[smackie9]

i don't mind hearing a few stories, but i don't really give a rats butt about peoples numbers. To me it's meaning less.

[viatori patuit]

That stuff is like knowing the date you will die. It is useless information that will only cause you pain and consternation.

 

First, we imagine all sorts of things and circumstances that just don’t happen.

 

Second, they are with you now. If they took on 27 people in one night would that change the here and now?

 

Finally, I am often reminded of an axiom that I find useful:

 

One can act themselves into right thinking much faster than they can think themselves into right acting.

[sandylee1]

The past doesn't bother me. I don't understand jealousy about an Ex wife either. You were meant to love your wife and have an emotional connection with her.

 

You do seem awfully insecure and jealous in this relationship though.

Edited October 21, 2017 by sandylee1
Typo

[BaileyB]

Indeed. You seem to have some significant trust issues with this woman.

 

I could care less about what happened in the past. The only reason I need to know about "numbers" is to be sure that we are safe. That's all.

[Blanco]

OP, you don't come across as secure at all with this woman. I don't really blame you. She's shown some questionable judgment and behavior, to say nothing of her getting involved with a married man with children.

 

I understand you feel your marriage was long over by time this woman resurfaced and gave you the final kick in the pants to dissolve your marriage. But I think you subconsciously feel more heavily invested in this woman because, on the surface, she is the reason you left your marriage and family.

[BaileyB]

Indeed. The subtext, of your text, seems to say: "this woman hurt me in the past and I don't know if I can trust her now..."

Edited October 21, 2017 by BaileyB

[SevenCity]

The Italy trip notwithstanding, I find ONS much worse than RLs when it comes to sex partners of a woman I'm dating. To me it shows lack of good judgement and seems to carry into other areas of their life when they have not thought things through. It's a sign of their character - regardless of how long ago it was. Also, why didn't these guys hang around?

 

The last girl I dated said she "thought" she was around 30 but wasn't able to give an actual number as she had forgot (she had a Groundhog Day memory - like couldn't remember anything). This estimate was littered with ONSs as was typical for her "I want to ignore concequences and only care about having fun and feeling good" attitude.

 

I have had very few ONSs, but my number has always been higher than any girl who told me hers.

 

Double standard? Perhaps. Once they start asking guys out and paying for dates I'll reevaluate my stance.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Thanks everyone. I have done a lot of thinking the past couple days. The issue is on my part, not hers.

 

 

A) It was 20+ years ago and I was the one who caused our break up then (for the most part). We talked a lot about this after we reconnected and both apologized and forgive each other.

 

 

B) Her total number is 6 which I think is below the average for most women.

 

 

My hang up is psychological. I think bc she was my everything then and I was just too young and stupid and hung around friends that were a bad influence and I messed it up. It was terribly terribly painful to see or hear about her sexual exploits right after me. I think it is a form of PTSD. I get depressed thinking of those times, what she was doing with other guys, and how I messed things up and lost out on so much with her. I get images in my head a lot of her and these guys. It confuses me that she was so in love with me and then just jumped into bed with other guys soon after me. That hurts. I just can't get it out of my head. I guess I might need professional help.

[Cobra_X]

B) Her total number is 6 which I think is below the average for most women.

 

I guess I might need professional help.

 

How do you know it's just 6? Were you there? I've never known women to be honest about this... in fact they are notoriously dishonest. I would bet her number is much closer to 20 based solely on her actions. Actions tell you the truth.

 

I'm not sure that this requires professional help. It seems like something every guy deals with. If you want to get over it... then you need to score with more women.

[elaine567]

Whatever you have with this woman you are going to ruin it big time if you keep on down this line of thought.

I suggest you go get help ASAP.

[OatsAndHall]

I've gone over your other threads, OP and it certainly doesn't seem like you trust this woman, at all. You say otherwise in your posts but you have multiple threads up about the same woman and they all revolve around her behaviors that you have an issue with. So, I suggest that you do things here:

 

1. Take a step back and decide whether or not you truly trust her. Again, you say you do but, again, these continual posts and threads tell a different story. To be blunt, I think that you are trying to avoid being the "jealous" type and fooling yourself into thinking you have faith in her and he relationship. I get where you're coming from here, I really do. I spent many years trying to convince myself that I trusted a woman who had done nothing to earn it. I'm not saying your GF hasn't done so which leads me to my second point.

 

2. If you decide that you don't trust her, then you need to figure out if she is actually giving you reasons to void that trust or if you're insecure with her and the relationship. There certainly seems to be a lot of drama in this relationship; especially with the Italy debacle. There are things about her that would be red-flags for me (past infidelities, hanging out with pregnant women who screw around on their husbands, etc..etc..) but I don't know the woman or the finer details of your relationship.

 

But, there is one thing that sticks out in the back of my mind.. You have known this woman for over twenty years yet you are questioning her and her intentions in this relationship. That doesn't bode well, my friend.

[TheBathWater]

OP, do you think you have trust issues you need to work on? I don't see logically how this woman's modest sexual history should be creating the level of suspicion and doubt you are speaking about at this point. Unless I'm missing something here, it doesn't sound like you have anything to truly worry about.

[TheBathWater]

There are things about her that would be red-flags for me (past infidelities, hanging out with pregnant women who screw around on their husbands, etc..etc..) but I don't know the woman or the finer details of your relationship.

 

I didn't know this piece, OP. If it's true, then that would be a red flag for me too. In any case, I don't feel it's worth trying to preserve a relationship that doesn't have a healthy foundation to begin with. It's not going to magically appear one day. You have to be the one to ultimately decide if (when?) it is worth cutting your losses.

[sandylee1]

You aren't thrilled she jumped into bed with someone after you split up .... but you're the one who actually cheated on her with her brother's girlfriend.

 

If you loved her, how could you do that. I think it's unfair and kind of hypocritical to judge her based on sleeping with a guy after you were no longer in a relationship with her.

 

I agree that issues are yours and your kicking yourself that you messed up back then.

 

It's in the past. Leave it there.