Jrugby7 Posted August 16, 2005 Share Posted August 16, 2005 I had previously bee posting on the infidelity threads, to sum it up. My wife had a 2 month affair with someone we know and i just can't get over it. i am angry and depressed all the time and i feel like getting out is the best thing for me. We had only been married a year when this happened (dated for 7). When I'm alone or at work i think to myself, "its over, i'm getting a divorce". Then once i see her i lose the nerve. I hate to admit it but i do love her. How do i go about this? i know i can meet someone else and be happy, but we've been together so long it scares me. What are the first steps i need to take? No kids, divorce would be uncontested. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 16, 2005 Share Posted August 16, 2005 Have you considered going to marriage counseling to help you two work through the problems? If that isn't an option, and you are emotionally 'done', I suppose your next step would be going to see a lawyer about your options. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jrugby7 Posted August 16, 2005 Author Share Posted August 16, 2005 We have been to MC. During that she swore that it happened one time and that she ended it. We talked last week and i get her to confess that it went on for 2 months. I just don't enjoy seeing her anymore. There is no way i can spend the rest of my life with a women i don't respect, trust or even enjoy time with. I do love her though and she is a good person who made a mistake. But it was a huge mistake and i don't think i can forgive her for it. Does separation help? Link to post Share on other sites
DarkSide Posted August 16, 2005 Share Posted August 16, 2005 Originally posted by Jrugby7 We have been to MC. During that she swore that it happened one time and that she ended it. We talked last week and i get her to confess that it went on for 2 months. I just don't enjoy seeing her anymore. There is no way i can spend the rest of my life with a women i don't respect, trust or even enjoy time with. I do love her though and she is a good person who made a mistake. But it was a huge mistake and i don't think i can forgive her for it. Does separation help? Get out while you can. You have no kids. Your never gonna foget that she had sex with someone that you know. You'll end up hating her and will cheat on her yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
sylviaguardian Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 JRugby, I am in your position so I don't know how much advice I can offer. I can only say that if you still love her then there is still a chance for you. I don't know all the details of what happened and I would say 'it depends'. Depends on how she was before, how she is now etc etc. It's a long haul and not many people have the emotional control to make it. All I would say is that you need to give it more time before making a decision. Although you weren't married long, you were together 7 years before that. That's longer than most marriages. If you want to PM me feel free. Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
cranium Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 Jurby, I'm in a similar situation, except we have been married 16 years and have two children. We were in MC for four months while her A was ongoing and she swore there was no one else. We had been seeing our counselor for two months before she slept with him the first time. WTF was that about. I caught them or it would probably still be going on. I also know the guy she was involved with. The prick even stopped by her office unexpectedly yesterday. She asked what was he doing there and told him to leave b/c I was coming by at any minute. He said he would 'scurry away'. I thought that was an appropriate response from him b/c rats scurry. Anyway, she didn't have to tell me he came by, but she did. She isn't pursuing him and is being honest with me. It's all about her actions now. How is your W acting now? She gave up coaching, right? Is she doing everything in her power to help you heal? She has to earn your respect and trust now. I know it took her time to come clean, but you are still early in the process. I found out last Oct. Maybe try separation first. Take care of yourself. Find an outlet for your anger; go to the gym. Peace Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jrugby7 Posted August 17, 2005 Author Share Posted August 17, 2005 she is acting very lovey dovey towards me now. Trying to be very sweet and always telling me she loves me. I think this is because i've pulled away a little. I am working on my anger, i go to the gym, i play rugby, i bought a punching bag but its not helping. I went out this weekend and the first thing i did at every place i went was look for this guy. I know its going to be bad if i ever see him. I'm thinking separation will help me. it will either A, make me realize i can live without her or B realize that i can't. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 Has she made the choice to work on your marriage yet, Jrugby? If so, then there is a chance. If not, and you're feeling this way too, then ending it is an option too. You CAN recover from this, but it takes time and hard work. Most counselors will tell you that it takes on average two years for a marriage to effectively recover from infidelity...and that is if both parties WORK at fixing it. But that work can't begin until you both make the concious choice of re-building your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jrugby7 Posted August 17, 2005 Author Share Posted August 17, 2005 The 2 years is a problem for her. She wants things to be normal in a few weeks, not very realistic. I don't think i will ever be able to forget about what happened or forgive her for the pain she has caused. How can you be married for less than a year, have a 2 month affair and come home after seeing OM and sleep next to your husband? How can you say that you love someone and do that? What kind of person would ever do such a thing? Link to post Share on other sites
sylviaguardian Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 The 2 years is a problem for her. She wants things to be normal in a few weeks, not very realistic. I don't think i will ever be able to forget about what happened or forgive her for the pain she has caused. You are right - it is not realistic. But if she finished it herself, probably it was all over for her so it is easier to think it's in the past. You will never forget what happened. You have to look at it as a new relationship now. Sometimes writing a letter is a good way to get your take on the situation over. How can you be married for less than a year, have a 2 month affair and come home after seeing OM and sleep next to your husband? How can you say that you love someone and do that? What kind of person would ever do such a thing? I struggle with this all the time too. I don't have an answer. All I can say is that maybe the affair is addictive and some people genuinely believe that if their partner doesn't know, it doesn't hurt them. Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
cranium Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 How about coming home and 'sleeping' with your H only a few hours after you 'slept' with OM. I don't know how they could do it either. As Syl says, the A is addictive and they weren't thinking straight, if at all. I'm never going to forget, but the forgiving is a gift to myself. MW would also like things to be normal, but I've told her I can't give her a time line on my healing. I'm doing pretty well, but you never know what might trigger me. I do know though, it will never happen again. Do you think it will happen again? Are you waiting for her to screw up again? The thing is, our WS's will never be able to understand or experience the pain they've caused. But again, it is in the past. If I keep her A alive, I keep the pain alive. All we have is this moment, now this one, now this one...it will all be gone in the blink of an eye. One of the toughest things to do is get out of our heads and live from our hearts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jrugby7 Posted August 17, 2005 Author Share Posted August 17, 2005 I guess what i'm struggling with is how can i allow myself to forgive someone who did this and then lied to me for so long about it? I don't think i can respect myself if i do that. Sure it will suck to get divorced but at least then i will be able to look at myself in the mirror. I think she gets that i'm still on the fence about all this. Last night she asked me if we were going to make it, and i said i didn't know. Then she asked if i wanted to be with her and again i was honest and said i didn't know. Today she tells me she loves me 10 times and tries to be very lovey and tries to kiss me every 10 seconds. I just pull back and change the subject. I know it hurts her, which is not my intention, but i'm just so disgusted with her. Link to post Share on other sites
fleafly Posted August 18, 2005 Share Posted August 18, 2005 Great post cranium. That last line really knocked me backwords. But in all honesty, if this happened to me in rugbys sitiation, a year into the marriage, no kids, I would bail. Link to post Share on other sites
sylviaguardian Posted August 18, 2005 Share Posted August 18, 2005 Geez, Cranium, I wish I could think more like you but the truth is I don't think I ever will. I think more like JRugby: I guess what i'm struggling with is how can i allow myself to forgive someone who did this and then lied to me for so long about it? I don't think i can respect myself if i do that. Sure it will suck to get divorced but at least then i will be able to look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I feel that deep somewhere I might still love him a bit, but a lot of the time I hate him for what he did. By the way JRugby, I wouldn't worry too much about your W cheating a year into the marriage (well, I would but you know what I mean). You were together 7 years and married 1, My H and I were together 2 years and married 5 when it happened. Which is worse? I wouldn't like to say. Maybe it's part of the reason too, like she a fear of committment or something. Does she go to counselling? My H still sees a counsellor and I think it really helped because he is able to talk freely without me going crazy and is starting to find out himself about what kind of person he is. Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
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