Other Woman

[somethingelse]

[] I came here because my friends feel uncomfortable talking about something they disagree with. I'm not ready to leave but I need to talk about this. I ask that you be gentle with me as I tell my story here. I'm new here and I can't tolerate any bashing from strangers on the internet.

 

I have been the other woman for almost three years. It began as a working relationship that required a lot of time together and made us very close friends. As we enjoy our jobs and worked together we goofed around and shared experiences and eventually fell in love. A few months after realizing that I loved a married man, like something out of a movie, I fell off a step and he caught me. It wasn't until he looked at me that way that I realized everything. He loved me too and as much as we denied it in our attempts to be decent human beings, it was going to happen. He was going to cheat on his wife, and I was going to become someone I never ever in my wildest dreams I thought I could stomach being, a "homewrecker".

 

After we first slept together we talked a long time. I loved him but was cautious thinking perhaps this was just heavy emotion and told him that I would never want him to leave his wife. I have met her a couple times, she is a good person. Good for him, he is good for her. They have been married a long time. He has always said that he didn't fall in love with me because of something lacking in his marriage, he acknowledges this is the case with most men who cheat and that it is a hard box to avoid being put in. I believe him wholeheartedly when he says he simply "loves me too." and he loves her. I can't argue with this logic, as I've always believed you can love more than one person. Even though it can be questioned as he hurts her, I believe if she were able to share him willingly, he would be with and love openly the both of us.

 

Three years later and I've grown both more comfortable and more uncomfortable. Comfortable with our schedule. Comfortable with our love, I love him more than I've loved anyone in my life. Even comfortable with the fact that he is with his wife every night and not me. Uncomfortable with how comfortable I am with being No. 2. Uncomfortable with the guilt I obviously feel for his dear wife and how she is being disrespected by the both of us. Uncomfortable with the future of my love life and my lack of desire to spark that with anybody else.

 

He gets jealous but is okay with me seeing other men as well. Always expresses that he will be jealous but supportive knowing I am in a dead end situation. That being said, I haven't slept with anyone else in 3 years. I have no desire to. I only sleep with people that mean something to me. I also know that if I do sleep with anyone else, it will be the TRUE END to what I have with MM. Which I feel endlessly unprepared for.

 

I'm not entirely sure why I needed to share this with someone. I lack friends to discuss this with as I said, it makes them uncomfortable as it probably should and I hate to see their opinions of me change into someone they have to worry about around their husbands.

 

I don't know how I expect this to "end" as I don't see the end in sight. I don't want anybody else. I am comfortable with our relationship. Sometimes we laugh about how ironically healthy we communicate and skillfully navigate the impossible hurdles of our relationship. I guess in my heart, I do wish he would leave her, but I know that will never happen. And would he really be happier with me than her? Probably not. It would uproot his entire life. Work, friends, family, etc. But I just have no desire to leave beyond my occasional loneliness and incessent guilt.

 

Any other women out there with advice or shared experiences? Has anyone been involved for this long?

 

[] Thank you.

Edited October 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[harrybrown]

do you have a long term plan or goal?

 

Did you want to have a husband and children or is it okay with you that you do not have that desire of your own family?

 

Sorry for the length of time. You are attached.

 

This will not end well.

 

he gets both of you. Would he be fine if he shared you with your H, if you married?

 

Do not do that to your future H.

 

Hope you can look long term and protect yourself. protect your heart.

 

people think they will never get caught. I got phone calls about my wife.

 

hope you do look long term. Can he give you what you want out of life?

 

Will you be satisfied with what he can give? good luck to you.

[somethingelse]

do you have a long term plan or goal?

 

Did you want to have a husband and children or is it okay with you that you do not have that desire of your own family?

 

Sorry for the length of time. You are attached.

 

This will not end well.

 

he gets both of you. Would he be fine if he shared you with your H, if you married?

 

Do not do that to your future H.

 

Hope you can look long term and protect yourself. protect your heart.

 

people think they will never get caught. I got phone calls about my wife.

 

hope you do look long term. Can he give you what you want out of life?

 

Will you be satisfied with what he can give? good luck to you.

 

 

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Good questions @harrybrown. These are the kinds I think I need because I just don't give it all much thought anymore. I'm sure a safety mechanism.

 

I am not wild about the idea of marriage anymore. I was never crazy on it to begin with but now I don't think that I could trust someone that way. With him I say, I'd rather choose to be with you every day than simply wake up with you every day.

 

As far as sharing, it is not something I would necessarily be against under the right circumstances. In this situation, yes of course. But you are right, it would not be my preference if tables turned.

 

His wife has been told about us and he managed to convince her otherwise. I assume she is in some type of denial. She is suspicious often and doesn't seem to do any research into finding out "for sure".

 

Currently, I am satisfied. I am a pretty independent individual. I like my space. I like sleeping alone. My only complaint is occasional loneliness as I only am with him maybe 2 days a week. I'm not sure if that is something I can entirely overcome, probably in another 3 years *eyeroll*. But I love him so much I'm afraid I'd be up for that.

 

If and when it ends, I do expect it to be brutal. We "ended" once or twice in year 1 but found ourselves just unable to quit.

[BaileyB]

That was also my question... What is your end-game?

 

Are you happy living your life with occasional visits and never having a true life partner, children, and your own family? Does he have children? Does he plan to have children with his wife?

 

You have met his wife. It seems that you have convinced yourself that she is rather clueless and "in denial." It seems to me that she is not the only woman who is in denial... You've become quite good and rationalizing and justifying the situation for yourself.

 

I would say that your post is quite typical of many others that appear on this board... You fell into his arms and you both realized that you loved each other, he loves you both, he comes by twice a week... all very typical.

 

I'll be gentle... it's not my place to pass judgement on a woman who engages in a long term emotional and sexual relationship with another woman's husband. I will say that I don't think this is going to end well for you. But, that is your lesson to learn with time...

Edited October 18, 2017 by BaileyB

[somethingelse]

That was also my question... What is your end-game?

 

Are you happy living your life with occasional visits and never having a true life partner, children, and your own family? Does he have children? Does he plan to have children with his wife?

 

You have met his wife. It seems that you have convinced yourself that she is rather clueless and "in denial." It seems to me that she is not the only woman who is in denial...

 

I would say that your post is quite typical of many others that appear on this board... You fell into his arms and you both realized that you loved each other. He has told you that he loves you both. You are pleased to see him whenever he has spare time, maybe twice a week...

 

I'll be gentle... who am I to judge a woman who engages in a long term emotional and sexual relationship with another woman's husband. I will say that I don't think this is going to end well for you. But, that is your lesson to learn with time...

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

I sense a little sarcasm in your gentleness there. thanks for your thoughts.

[kittencupcake]

Genuine question..and I don’t know how to word this more gently but - why do you feel entitled to gentle and respectful treatment from strangers when you are not treating his wife or yourself gently or respectfully? Why do you deserve it and she doesn’t?

[BaileyB]

A little... .

 

I do hope that you figure things out. It seems like such a waste to spend years of your life in a dead end relationship with a man who is otherwise committed. And if/when it ends, which it probably will, it's going to be really painful.

 

It hurts my heart to see women make decisions that cause such pain. And yet, time and time again, women make these decisions willingly and walk blindly into the lions den because he said "he loves me" and "our love is special." The truth is, your relationship is meeting a need for him and the minute that it causes stress or doesn't serve his purpose, you will be done.

 

Just my humble opinion... It is your path to walk, your lesson will be revealed to you in your own time. Best wishes to you.

[sandylee1]

You seem happy enough to hang in there, so I'm honestly not sure what you really want to hear.

 

You have for the meanwhile accepted being his secondary secret relationship.... marriage isn't something so important to you ... you choose to believe his wife is in denial...yet he convinced her it was untrue.

 

She believes her husband if many years ... marriage is based on trust...that's probably why she believes him and she's not been given hard evidence.

 

If he says he loves the two of you... then don't be suprised if he takes another lover in the future.

 

I'm not a feminist ... But I do believe in sexual equality and posts like yours show why many men behave as they do... because women like yourself are willingly being a mistress and are happy to be a secret under the disguise of love.

 

I don't believe anyone who truly loves another would continue hiding them like stolen goods for years on end.

 

He wouldn't want his daughter/sister/female cousin to be in your position... not able to hold her head up and walk the streets with the man she loves .. yet it's good enough for you.

 

He's told you he's not leaving his wife... that he loves her .. that nothing is wrong with his marriage... in you he's found a woman happy to fit into the slot extra and who has no right to ask anymore of him. You've shown your worth by accepting the role of OW and shouldn't blame him in years to come.

[somethingelse]

You seem happy enough to hang in there, so I'm honestly not sure what you really want to hear.

 

You have for the meanwhile accepted being his secondary secret relationship.... marriage isn't something so important to you ... you choose to believe his wife is in denial...yet he convinced her it was untrue.

 

She believes her husband if many years ... marriage is based on trust...that's probably why she believes him and she's not been given hard evidence.

 

If he says he loves the two of you... then don't be suprised if he takes another lover in the future.

 

I'm not a feminist ... But I do believe in sexual equality and posts like yours show why many men behave as they do... because women like yourself are willingly being a mistress and are happy to be a secret under the disguise of love.

 

I don't believe anyone who truly loves another would continue hiding them like stolen goods for years on end.

 

He wouldn't want his daughter/sister/female cousin to be in your position... not able to hold her head up and walk the streets with the man she loves .. yet it's good enough for you.

 

He's told you he's not leaving his wife... that he loves her .. that nothing is wrong with his marriage... in you he's found a woman happy to fit into the slot extra and who has no right to ask anymore of him. You've shown your worth by accepting the role of OW and shouldn't blame him in years to come.

 

This is a good word SandyLee. I'm definitely going to be thinking on what you said here which is valid. Still thinking on it now but just wanted to say hey good word.

[somethingelse]

That definitely strikes a chord for me as that is something else I struggle with the lack of normalcy "walking with heads held high" with my man etc. Perhaps the final straw that will come for me is the lack of self-respect. That is not something I think about often because of the comfortability factor. But that is true, I lack self-respect in this category.

[Southern Sun]

I'm sorry for the position you're in, OP. Or rather, I'm sorry for the future position you will find yourself in. I'm not being sarcastic or ironic. That is a genuine statement...from experience.

 

Right now, things are going along okay. Although, *something* brought you here to LS, so you've got some niggling doubts. For me, the issue of self-respect, that struck you from a previous poster, was always big. I lost mine pretty early - and knew it and bemoaned it - but it did not drive me out of the affair soon enough. That's the problem with losing self-respect. Once it's gone, you no longer act in your best interests.

 

Your current state of happiness - the love you feel for this unavailable man - is lulling you into a state of inertia. You don't realize the train wreck that's ahead. Yes, we've all heard stories (and there are examples on this board) of women who've ended up with their MMs. But they are atypical and also had MMs who purposed to get out of their marriages. Your MM does not want to leave his marriage. You are setting yourself up for guaranteed pain and abandonment. It's just a matter of WHEN.

 

The fact that his wife has already been told about you is pretty major. That will make her more keyed into his behaviors and the things he does where you are involved. She WILL eventually find evidence of your affair. It will happen. It's just a matter of WHEN.

 

Embarking on an affair is like entering a state of limbo. It's like suspended animation. You kind of stop living your real life. Things don't really progress. Life is still happening, but it's passing you by. Meanwhile, you're suspended in this false reality. It can't go up or down, back or forth. It can't go anywhere. And YOU can't really go anywhere until you make a decision to get out of it.

 

I do empathize with you. I've been there. You love him and you think it's worth it. The weird thing about affairs is...if years down the road, you still think "it was worth it" then you are probably still stuck in the affair, in some way. He can still come back and tap you now and again. It happens, people stay in affairs for years, decades even. Imagine that. The other possibility is that you come out of it with the absolute most bitter taste, because of all the pain. But at least then, you won't go back. You'll be free.

[somethingelse]

I'm sorry for the position you're in, OP. Or rather, I'm sorry for the future position you will find yourself in. I'm not being sarcastic or ironic. That is a genuine statement...from experience.

 

Right now, things are going along okay. Although, *something* brought you here to LS, so you've got some niggling doubts. For me, the issue of self-respect, that struck you from a previous poster, was always big. I lost mine pretty early - and knew it and bemoaned it - but it did not drive me out of the affair soon enough. That's the problem with losing self-respect. Once it's gone, you no longer act in your best interests.

 

Your current state of happiness - the love you feel for this unavailable man - is lulling you into a state of inertia. You don't realize the train wreck that's ahead. Yes, we've all heard stories (and there are examples on this board) of women who've ended up with their MMs. But they are atypical and also had MMs who purposed to get out of their marriages. Your MM does not want to leave his marriage. You are setting yourself up for guaranteed pain and abandonment. It's just a matter of WHEN.

 

The fact that his wife has already been told about you is pretty major. That will make her more keyed into his behaviors and the things he does where you are involved. She WILL eventually find evidence of your affair. It will happen. It's just a matter of WHEN.

 

Embarking on an affair is like entering a state of limbo. It's like suspended animation. You kind of stop living your real life. Things don't really progress. Life is still happening, but it's passing you by. Meanwhile, you're suspended in this false reality. It can't go up or down, back or forth. It can't go anywhere. And YOU can't really go anywhere until you make a decision to get out of it.

 

I do empathize with you. I've been there. You love him and you think it's worth it. The weird thing about affairs is...if years down the road, you still think "it was worth it" then you are probably still stuck in the affair, in some way. He can still come back and tap you now and again. It happens, people stay in affairs for years, decades even. Imagine that. The other possibility is that you come out of it with the absolute most bitter taste, because of all the pain. But at least then, you won't go back. You'll be free.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Thanks SouthernSun. It's something special to hear from someone who has "been there". It resonates with me this state of "limbo" you mention. I can't agree more. It definitely feels as though everything has stopped. Which works now, I'm fairly young. But I worry if I do want to meet someone else and fall in love, am I spending too much time here? Will I miss that someone else that I should be spending my life with. I agree that something brought me here. I would say that mostly my lack of people available to discuss this with is the main reason I seeked out LS. I know of this inevitable pain to come and I think internally I look for something to click and give me desire or strength to pull out as soon as possible... even though I don't actively act on/want that. If that makes sense. I told MM tonight that I joined this forum. He says he wishes I didn't feel the need but ultimately understands there are parts of it we don't talk about to not cause waves between us. And it is true, because of the lack of self-respect, I do not act in my best interest. I think because I'm comfortable, it's the "devil you know" type of thing. Good words here. Thank you.

[eye of the storm]

Somethingelse, I came on this board because something wasn't right. If everything is ok, you don't feel a need to discuss it with people. Things are ok. But you feel a need to confide in your friends but can't. That tells you that you are doing something wrong.

 

 

When I started seeing my MM, it suited me. I neither wanted or could handle a "normal" relationship. I was too fried from my M and D. For a few years, it was comfortable. Then, we screwed up and fell in love. That is when problems happened. Eventually I wanted more. And became frustrated when I couldn't have it.

 

 

Limbo is a very accurate description of how we start to live our lives. Not wanting to upset the apple cart. Not wanting to make big (necessary) changes because of how it might tip the razor thin balance you already have achieved. And one day you will look back and see you trapped yourself and have nothing to show for it but pain.

 

 

I am about 80% out of my A. Still having trouble cutting the last ties. But, I finally bought a house. Because I am no longer waiting for him. Blowing the fog away helps me see that I have wasted years waiting for someone who chose to stay with someone else.

 

 

Of course your guy loves you. You are willing to sit on the sidelines and be grateful for whatever scraps he has time to throw your way.

 

 

Its not going to change. He has no reason to walk away. (Unless his W finds out then he will throw you under the bus so hard you won't know what hit you.)

 

 

There will come a day when you are tired, tired of waiting, tired of wanting more and not having it, tired of being expendable. Then you will decide that the pain of cutting ties is better and healthier than the pain of hanging onto a fantasy you built in your head. Because that is all it is. A story you have made up. If it were real, you wouldn't have to hide.

 

 

I hope the best for you.

[NikonRN]

There is another site I found. It doesn’t allow persons who aren’t considered OW/OM to be in the forum for the very reason I tend to just lurk on here anymore. They screen and moderate very well.

 

If you are looking for those who have been in your situation or are currently there, it’s a great site. I’ve seen too many OW/OM get beat up by those who want to apply their situation to people here instead of venting frustrations on their own board.

 

Don’t know if I’m allowed to mention site though. OWOM feel bad enough as it is they don’t need some of the things they get here.

I thought this was the only one for almost a year.

[sandylee1]

This is a good word SandyLee. I'm definitely going to be thinking on what you said here which is valid. Still thinking on it now but just wanted to say hey good word.

 

Your welcome.

 

I just hate to see anyone, even if I don't know them wasting their life and staying in a relationship that is on a road to nowhere.

 

I believe there is someone for everyone in this world, without having to go for an attached person.

 

It just feeds their ego, that they are in a happy stable relationship...that they haven't had to lie about being miserable in their marriage or that they don't have sex anymore ... and yet still they are able to get someone willing to be in the wings. It makes their head swell. ... and when I speak to betrayed wives... they just don't understand how a single attractive woman is happy to be in that position.

 

 

It's the next best thing to an open marriage for the married cheater.

[waterwoman]

You seem to be a compassionate woman - you aren't tearing strips off your MM's wife and that is good to hear. I am not going to be judgemental. My experiences in the last 5 years have made me far less willing to judge anyone.

 

I would suggest that as things stand only you can decide if this is what you really want and for how long. None of us can advise you on whether it's right for you or not. But perhaps think about this, H and I are celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary. We are holding a party this weekend. All week we have been receiving cards, flowers and gifts. Everyone is pleased for us. Our celebrations involved family, friends, neighbours, work colleagues, my running club. We are surrounded by love and it is all out in the open. I am not saying this to be hurtful, I am trying to point out that is what you may always be missing with your MM. A public acknowledgement of your relationship. Perhaps that doesn't matter to you - I must admit when I was younger it didn't matter to me either - but it does now. Our marriage has grown into and become part of a lot of people's lives.

 

One more thing you might find useful to think of - his wife is not being wilfully ignorant. She trusts her husband. It took me 6 months to find out what was going on because I could no more believe he was having an affair than he was a Martian in disguise. It did not occur to me. If it wasn't for the fact that he dropped so many hints I wouldn't have finally looked at his phone. We were so used to sharing everything he found it hard not to share his relationship with the OW hence the hints! So please don't beleive she secretly knows and tacitly accepts it - I'd put money on the fact that does not and will be utterly devestated when she finds out.

 

Good luck with making your decision x

[What_Did_I_Do]

Yes, I remember those same feelings around the 3 year mark of my A. What we had was so incredible, wouldn't even dream of touching another man because, well I had everything I needed right here.....with this married man. I made a few feeble attempts to date but no one could compare to him. Ugh. NOW I look back and cannot believe the time wasted, worrying what 'they' were doing on a Sunday morning (nookie etc.), did he think about me when we weren't together because damn, all I did was think about him. Every single minute. Time I will never get back. The missed opportunities with a single man, time I did not spend with friends or family...because HE might call or be available to see me. What a shame.

 

What I'm saying OP is that this A is working for you now but in time that uncomfortable feeling you have will grow and your judgement then becomes more cloudy. The deeper in you go the harder it is to get out. The other posters are spot on...is this really what you want for yourself. I had to ask myself that same question a hundred thousand times. Turns out that I didn't.

[Southern Sun]

Thanks SouthernSun. It's something special to hear from someone who has "been there". It resonates with me this state of "limbo" you mention. I can't agree more. It definitely feels as though everything has stopped. Which works now, I'm fairly young. But I worry if I do want to meet someone else and fall in love, am I spending too much time here? Will I miss that someone else that I should be spending my life with. I agree that something brought me here. I would say that mostly my lack of people available to discuss this with is the main reason I seeked out LS. I know of this inevitable pain to come and I think internally I look for something to click and give me desire or strength to pull out as soon as possible... even though I don't actively act on/want that. If that makes sense. I told MM tonight that I joined this forum. He says he wishes I didn't feel the need but ultimately understands there are parts of it we don't talk about to not cause waves between us. And it is true, because of the lack of self-respect, I do not act in my best interest. I think because I'm comfortable, it's the "devil you know" type of thing. Good words here. Thank you.

 

Everything we choose to do has opportunity cost. That's okay. We can't be everywhere and do everything. We can't be all things to everyone.

 

But...we do need to understand that choosing to be in one relationship precludes being in other relationships. Choosing to have one career precludes others (for the most part). Even choosing one activity on a certain day means we won't participate in another.

 

We can't live our life with FOMO. But we must GRASP that we do live our lives making choices and those choices have consequences. Basically, what do we care about more? Less?

 

Your years with MM may be exactly where you want to be right now. Over time, however, you may begin to see he is taking up space in your life you could be giving elsewhere. Perhaps your devotion to him is costing you precious time while you ARE young when you could be meeting AVAILABLE men. I have a dear friend who spent her 20s in a relationship with an unavailable man and now, in her mid 30s, simply cannot find someone satisfactory. Maybe that is on her and she's being too picky, I don't know. But she is so spent on the dating scene...if they are her age and never-married, there is something 'wrong' with them and they aren't as successful as she is; if they are a bit older they are usually divorced with kids and lotttts of baggage. And generally...they all want younger women. This is her take, anyway.

 

Maybe there will come a time when you say, I don't know what I want, but I need to move on from this so I can make room for SOMETHING. Because MM is taking up all that space right now.

 

You said you are waiting something to happen, to kind of kick you out of your inertia. Sometimes we have grand epiphanies, but usually...it is VERY hard to make a change unless something BAD happens. That's the kicker. Just be aware of that. He will most likely never change anything...unless something bad happens to him as well.

 

I have been the OW. I was also in his position because I was married. I understand your predicament and the big lobster pot you are in. All I can say is - chances are, this affair won't last forever. In fact, you guys have already lived past the normal life of an affair. If a D-Day ever comes, it is the worst pain...just horrendous. I don't know what the single OW feels like, but I do know what it feels like to look at your BS when they know. As well, you are dealing with each other's pain and trying to figure out what to do.

 

I don't know. We all try to warn each other from our experiences, but that never works. Just take it all in and try to make very informed...intuitive decisions...for yourself.

[BTDT2012]

I've been an OW, I've been a BS. You will end this when you decide that you are worth more, that you deserve more. You are worth so much more than being a dirty little secret. I hope you are able to end this without drama.

[wmacbride]

op,

I once read an article written by an ow who was evaluating the affair and how she really felt about it. She pointed out that she had tried to avoid doing this, because it forced her to face some facts she wasn't comfortable with.

 

She didn't get into the reasons why, but she said she had begun to see how the A was hurting her, and she had been doing a lot of journaling ,etc. She decided to try and write a letter to his bs explaining the affair and why she was in it.

 

From what she said, by the time she finished that letter, she realized just ow little the a was actually doing for her, and also that she was accepting treatment form her mm that she never would have if he hadn't been married.

 

We get very little time in this world, and you get to choose, to a certain extent, how we wish to spend it. Do you feel like the A is what's best for you? If not, how much more time are you going to waste, time you won't get back?

[Birdies]

Hi there. I'm sorry for the situation that all three of you are in. All three pieces of the triangle have their own difficulties (although obviously the wife will have it the worst when she finds out for good).

 

As a former OW / MW myself, I just want to warn you that just because you think she already knows and doesn't care or is in denial, do NOT get too comfortable! These things always come out. We always think it will stay a secret, up until the second before the secret gets out one way or another. It will blow up at some point.

 

When that happens, your MM is almost guaranteed to choose his wife over you. He said he loves her and isn't leaving her, plus the public humiliation and social upheaval of leaving your spouse for your lover is almost impossible to even consider. (I know - I did it.) When he does choose her over you, it's going to be very sudden. You may literally never hear from him again, and be blocked from communicating with him, no matter how much he may love you right now.

 

So, I think it's important to anticipate that. It will be very devastating when it happens. Maybe you can start mentally and emotionally preparing now, by seeing a therapist or trying to detach a bit from your MM, etc.

[pheonixrisen]

As a bs I can tell you just because your affair lasted 3 year it does not mean the wife knows.

 

My h was in a 2 year affair I had zero clue until dday I did not even consider he might be having an affair or any thing in that direction .And even on dday I could not believe what I was looking at.

 

HE does not only disrespect his wife he disrespects you too

As long as you allow it as long as you are ok .and as long as he does not get caught no consequences no accountability he will continue .

 

Are you as a person .a woman in love with all you have to give and are capable of giving .for all boundaries you crossed for this man for all that you suffered and are willing to give up for him worth 2 times a week .why are you selling your self so short ?

 

Is that your worth x 2 times a week .a successful independent woman .

This mm has reduced your value .your worth to this

 

At the end of it all you will realise it's not he loves me ad he loves her too .It's he loves himself more .

 

 

 

What are you afraid off you just might find the love of your life out there

Who will give you more than the breadcrumb the mm gives you .

 

 

Please dont waste your youth on this man .do better for yourself .

[cocorico]

 

Any other women out there with advice or shared experiences? Has anyone been involved for this long?

 

 

I was OW for just over three years.

 

But unlike you, I wasn’t unhappy - perhaps because I was never “second best”, or a “dirty little secret”, or any of those other tired cliches. We had a good R, based on respect and honesty. It suited me, because my life was so full and busy - I did not want a full-time relationship at that time.

 

Over time we did fall in love, and as circumstances changed we decided we wanted to be together and so we made that happen. Many years later, we’re still happily M.

 

It does sound as though you’re wanting more than you have - you admit you’d like to have him full-time, and it seems he’s not in that same space. It wouldn’t be the first R to flounder because people, over time, came to want different things. Perhaps it’s time to recognise that it’s run it’s course, and to open yourself up to new possibilities. If he were not M, but was some other guy you were wanting to move forward with who was less invested, who was happy to keep things casual, you’d be thinking, this isn’t really a long term proposition - so perhaps that’s the way to view this?

[somethingelse]

Hey guys, I'm at work so don't have a minute to go through all the other posts that have come up but I just wanted to take a minute to thank you all for your kind words and respectful advice. Being decent makes it so much easier for me to hear what you are saying and I can't wait to dig through all these later in hopes of figuring some of myself out. Thank you again.

[Overcomer93]

My husband of 17yrs had been having an affair for 3-4 months with his co-worker, her husband worked with them as well, just a different shift. I had a very disturbing dream 4 months before I found out about the affair or felt him pulling away. The dream was about him and his best friend (a girl) from High School. Well, I remember in the dream I was crying because he told me he was leaving me for her. His BFF has blue eyes and blonde hair. The "other women" he was having an affair with is blonde green eyes. Then, it all began to fall apart! A month after that dream he told me "he was done".

 

WHY HE CHEATED, HE SAID:

1.your never home your always out with friends (twice a month I had a girls night)

2.you don’t cook (he didn’t like my cooking anyways and always criticized it)

3. you don’t clean (all our friends said our home looked like a model home)

4. you don’t help pay bills ( he made twice as me , I bought groceries and took care of kids expenses)

5. I feel like we are roomates (we were still intimate until 6 weeks before affair was discovered)

 

DISCOVERING THE AFFAIR: Feb 13[sIZE=2]th, [/sIZE]Saturday morning I found an anonymous letter that was left on my car telling me about the affair he had been having. I went into this fog , a paralysis, then I went into a uncontrollable cry. Unfortunately, my 2 children were there to witness it, they were 11 and 14 at the time. He was at work when this all went down, so I called him to let him know I had found out. I ASKED "WHO IS "jane" he said ummnm someone I work with then HE STAYED QUIET ON THE PHONE, SAID NOTHING. I then CALLED HER RIGHT AFTER AND SAID "YOU HAVE BEEN HAVNIG AN AFFAIR WITH MY HUSBAND YOU WHORE, YOU ****ED WITH THE WRONG LADY". I then sent a lengthy email to both their managers about what was going on between them. I was in a state of rage, anger and felt sick to my stomach.

 

THE AFTERMATH: That week I made his stay in the house a living hell, I filed for divorce. He continued to live there for 2 months and still seeing the OW and I knew , he didn’t hide it very well. He never once apologized never was remorseful. I knew he had issues and I was not gonna stay in this marriage any longer no matter how difficult it was going to be for me and kids. By the way….. this was his 3[sIZE=2]rd[/sIZE] affair that I know of. His first affair happened in 2002, then 2006, then this one in 2015 . I exposed his affair to all our friends, family , church family and his coworkers…etc!!

 

DIVORCE: It was a stressful 9 month divorce . He wanted it all, house , money, furniture, and jet ski (material things). He got most of it. I felt so powerless and still hurt and angry. But, I stood my ground. It was an ugly divorce. One week after the divorce was final, I found out the OW was 6 months pregnant (unplanned) and he had just moved in with her and her 5 kids . The divorce took a emotional and financial toll on me and kids. Their child is 10 months old now and my daughter wants nothing to do with her father or his baby. My son is sometimes on the fence. Divorce is hard on kids!

 

THE OTHER WOMEN: She had her first child at 19, then her 2[sIZE=2]nd[/sIZE] at 21, those 2 baby daddys left her. She got married and had 2 children with her husband, he adopted the 2 older ones. She had and affair with her co-worker which led to divorcing her husband. The co worker (affair partner) stayed with her and had a child, then 7 -8 yrs later they got married. Well, 2 yrs after their marriage she met my husband at their work place , where all three of them worked together. The OW and my husband started their affair & She and her husband got divorced 4 months after the affair was discovered.

 

MY CONCLUSION: Its been 1yr year since my divorce has been final and 2 yrs since this all began. As for the OW, I’m 100% positive she has some undealt issues from her childhood/young adulthood to now. They kept it a secret, so obviously they both knew it was wrong ,but in their mind it was exciting and they thought it was gonna be a fairytale. He always has been that kind of man "he can do no wrong", very prideful man and unapologetic. I guess my ex husband thought the grass would be greener on the other side. He went from 2 kids to 6 kids in less than a year. As for me and my kids…. We are doing great! I have been in counseling, support groups and attend my home church regularly. I’m in a better place, I feel free and independent and MUCH HAPPIER!! Don’t get me wrong, ive made dumb decisions and blasted my ex to my kids because I allow that part of me to take over. I’m getting better each day and using nicer forgiving words. I’m still working the steps to forgive him completely , but I don’t choose to deal with me because he is negative energy. Forgiveness is for me NOT for him! I’m a single mom of 2 amazing kids! I’m and finding myself …….. embracing all challenges God throws my way.

 

　

TO THE "other women": If you are contemplating having an affair or in the midst of an affair. Stop and think about your dark desires will bring havoc and chaos and so much hurt to everyone involved especially kids. It may seem wonderful and exciting, but its temporary & it will all go away. Go and do some research on and educate yourself on infidelity. Go seek help! A counselor, therapist or Pastor. Someone you can trust. Don’t be #2…. Remember we all reap what we sow.

 

 

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For couples who began a relationship through an affair, and later marry, the statistics aren’t positive. According to the studies that have been done, over 75% of those marriages will end in divorce after five years.