"why are you so nice?"

[rightondude]

I have been asked by 3 separate women I've dated since my divorce why I'm so "nice" to them. That's the exact word used, and it's stated as if it's a bad or at least a mysterious thing. I don't know what I'm doing that's so nice or out of the ordinary other than listening and just being interested in what they have to say. I've had sex with all these women but then things have faded for a variety of reasons. Some I'm sure of, some I'm not.

 

Is it them, or is it me? I don't consider myself an especially nice guy. I don't think I'm a pushover. I do really appreciate a woman showing interest in me after being in a marriage where that never happened; maybe that's coming out?

[kassy]

Sounds like you're a nice guy!

 

I wouldn't worry, the right lady will appreciate the hell out of that.

 

I'm dating a divorced guy and I have to say it's a bit different to dating confirmed bachelor's, not in a bad way at all. Maybe they also find it a bit different. In fact I'd say even though it's early days I feel like if this doesn't work out I'll probably be very devastated. He's an amazing man and while in my perfect world he wouldn't be divorced with kids, he wouldn't be the guy I'm crazy about without that. So anyway, don't worry about it. As long as you aren't so nice you are a pushover (which you said you aren't) then don't worry about it.

 

It doesn't sound like the relationships ended because you were too nice, so maybe focus on why they ended, but only if you actually wanted them to continue.

 

I wouldn't change being too nice personally if that's who you are all the better.

[central]

I've been told that I'm nice, too. Not in the usual "nice guy," wussy, passive-aggressive, covert contract ways, though. I have standards and expectations for how relationships should work. I'm merely kind, considerate, respectful, show genuine interest, and I'm a good listener - and I require the same from anyone I date. It seems that plenty of women haven't been treated as equal human beings by a lot of men, and notice when they are.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It seems that plenty of women haven't been treated as equal human beings by a lot of men, and notice when they are.

 

This.

 

When I meet a man who is kind and respectful and non-judgmental about everyone, I consider that unusual.

[stillafool]

It sounds like you are around women who aren't used to being treated nice. Don't change yourself; change your company.

[OpenBook]

I wouldn't worry, the right lady will appreciate the hell out of that.

 

And this. So true.

[Cobra_X]

I have been asked by 3 separate women I've dated since my divorce why I'm so "nice" to them. That's the exact word used, and it's stated as if it's a bad or at least a mysterious thing. I don't know what I'm doing that's so nice or out of the ordinary other than listening and just being interested in what they have to say. I've had sex with all these women but then things have faded for a variety of reasons. Some I'm sure of, some I'm not.

Is it them, or is it me? I don't consider myself an especially nice guy. I don't think I'm a pushover. I do really appreciate a woman showing interest in me after being in a marriage where that never happened; maybe that's coming out?

 

Something is going wrong. They should not be fading out on you like that AFTER sex. Is there anything you can think of that might be pushing them away? Do you do anything odd like cry during sex? Are you really passive on bed?

[phineas]

Something is going wrong. They should not be fading out on you like that AFTER sex. Is there anything you can think of that might be pushing them away? Do you do anything odd like cry during sex? Are you really passive on bed?

 

I only cry when I masturbate.

i need two tissues.

[rightondude]

Something is going wrong. They should not be fading out on you like that AFTER sex. Is there anything you can think of that might be pushing them away? Do you do anything odd like cry during sex? Are you really passive on bed?

 

girl 1: didn't want to get serious with me because I have two kids and am out of town a lot for business (pretty much when I don't have the kids). She still txts me but never gets flirty anymore. We talk about going out again but it's yet to happen. I think if she really wanted to be with me the reasons given wouldn't stop her.

 

girl 2: her (supposed) ex boyfriend busted in one morning and tried to stab me. Haven't talked to her since.

 

girl 3: no idea. Just ghosted me after the last date we went on together (when she asked "why do you like me so much? Why are you being so nice to me?"). Sex was good, or so I thought.

 

the only thing odd I can think of is just a minor request I always have during sex (Spank me and call me Susan).

Edited October 18, 2017 by rightondude

[rightondude]

Sounds like you're a nice guy!

 

I wouldn't worry, the right lady will appreciate the hell out of that.

 

I'm dating a divorced guy and I have to say it's a bit different to dating confirmed bachelor's, not in a bad way at all. Maybe they also find it a bit different. In fact I'd say even though it's early days I feel like if this doesn't work out I'll probably be very devastated. He's an amazing man and while in my perfect world he wouldn't be divorced with kids, he wouldn't be the guy I'm crazy about without that. So anyway, don't worry about it. As long as you aren't so nice you are a pushover (which you said you aren't) then don't worry about it.

 

It doesn't sound like the relationships ended because you were too nice, so maybe focus on why they ended, but only if you actually wanted them to continue.

 

I wouldn't change being too nice personally if that's who you are all the better.

 

thank you. And thank you for sticking it out with divorced dad; gives me some hope. It's tough out there for us! Most of us never expected to be in this position at our age and are having to re-learn everything.

 

Again, I don't even think I'm all that nice. I do like 10% of the talking and the talking I do, I'm usually asking questions. I'm not boastful or anything. Maybe they are used to braggarts and alpha dooches and that's just not me.

[Cookiesandough]

Too nice usually mean tries too hard, too predictable, too accommodating etc. People just throw all this under the umbrella of 'nice' like it's the problem. What it really is a lack of other things. Just to go over a few of the things I mentioned

 

Tries too hard - People who do this try to be 'perfect' or what the person wants VS genuine. People are attracted to authenticity. Not someone who just says and does what they think they want. A person who does this often hides parts of their true self so the person can't bond. People like a little flawed...because they are flawed. They want someone who slips up once in awhile. A person who speaks up when they disagree about something. Also, being inauthentic is a sign you don't have a stable view of your self. You are too malleable which aren't attractive qualities. People are looking for confidence and strength of character.

 

Too predicable- People like stability, to an extent and mostly at a certain point. Mystery helps a lot to create chemistry in the beginning. Those feelings of 'sparks' is often uncertainty and nervousness. If a person's already got you figured out, knows what you're doing all the time, knows they can contact you and you'll always be there, they can easily become bored.

 

Too accommodating- This is where you're always available/being a doormat. People like to think you they got a catch. A person whose life is busy and full even without them. A person with lots of options. But if you're always there that means this is probably not the case. If you ask them out on Tuesday, and they cancel and say "Friday?" and you say "Oh, yeah sure" and then Thursday comes and they say "I'm SO sorry. Something came up. Can we hang Saturday? " And you say "Uh, yeah I had something but I guess I can cancel it" That just tells them that they're already above you so they'll start keeping eye out for someone on their lvl

[Highndry]

Too nice usually mean tries too hard, too predictable, too accommodating etc. People just throw all this under the umbrella of 'nice' like it's the problem. What it really is a lack of other things. Just to go over a few of the things I mentioned

 

Tries too hard - People who do this try to be 'perfect' or what the person wants VS genuine. People are attracted to authenticity. Not someone who just says and does what they think they want. A person who does this often hides parts of their true self so the person can't bond. People like a little flawed...because they are flawed. They want someone who slips up once in awhile. A person who speaks up when they disagree about something. Also, being inauthentic is a sign you don't have a stable view of your self. You are too malleable which aren't attractive qualities. People are looking for confidence and strength of character.

 

Too predicable- People like stability, to an extent and mostly at a certain point. Mystery helps a lot to create chemistry in the beginning. Those feelings of 'sparks' is often uncertainty and nervousness. If a person's already got you figured out, knows what you're doing all the time, knows they can contact you and you'll always be there, they can easily become bored.

 

Too accommodating- This is where you're always available/being a doormat. People like to think you they got a catch. A person whose life is busy and full even without them. A person with lots of options. But if you're always there that means this is probably not the case. If you ask them out on Tuesday, and they cancel and say "Friday?" and you say "Oh, yeah sure" and then Thursday comes and they say "I'm SO sorry. Something came up. Can we hang Saturday? " And you say "Uh, yeah I had something but I guess I can cancel it" That just tells them that they're already above you so they'll start keeping eye out for someone on their lvl

 

I think most people are too picky these days. They have all these criteria that their prospective partners need to meet, but they completely fail to offer the same, never even looking in the mirror.

[coolheadal]

I get that myself but I want to be a bit more the other way as well. Confident the leader type. Which I am today. Women want mostly bad boys, brawn paper towel type of man with hair on the face or needs a shave. I don't know about a hair chest in man LOL. But I clean shaved , excellent skin I don't eat chemical, dyes all sorts of man-made process foods so that's why I'll never look my age. Women tell me "dam you look dam good for you age you look so young too" I smile which I always do anyway. Sure you can be kind and sweet to a point but again could work against you. Looking good sharp, wearing the right clothes, smelling good, I have clean smell to me. I do not want to stink no excuse to stink. So enjoy them saying your nice. When they say that to you it really means your not their type. They want the guy that's not nice. Nice means boring, no fun. Your not going to do things a bad man would do, take more risk where you would think twice before taking such risk.

[rightondude]

Too nice usually mean tries too hard, too predictable, too accommodating etc. People just throw all this under the umbrella of 'nice' like it's the problem. What it really is a lack of other things. Just to go over a few of the things I mentioned

 

Yep, you're spot on. Got it. I'll be lazy (won't try too hard!), crazy (since predictable, even predictably good is sooo booooring!), and inflexible/a-holish/game playing (since being accommodating automatically equals kissing butt. "What, you're busy on Friday? Well fooooock you! I didn't want you anyway!!!").

 

I think I understand.

[coolheadal]

Yep, you're spot on. Got it. I'll be lazy (won't try too hard!), crazy (since predictable, even predictably good is sooo booooring!), and inflexible/a-holish/game playing (since being accommodating automatically equals kissing butt. "What, you're busy on Friday? Well fooooock you! I didn't want you anyway!!!").

 

I think I understand.

 

You don't want to be too nice, you need to be more of brawny type of man. Leader of the pack. Not the guy who always comes in last. You can smile feel good and still help them around the house. Get off your butt type. Most men don't give a dam. Just want to drink that 6 pack beer all day long. Women today only know of one type of man. The others just don't have a chance to fit in. Change you are outside but inside you can also change some things you are in traits otherwise women will not approach you.

[rightondude]

You don't want to be too nice, you need to be more of brawny type of man. Leader of the pack. Not the guy who always comes in last. You can smile feel good and still help them around the house. Get off your butt type. Most men don't give a dam. Just want to drink that 6 pack beer all day long. Women today only know of one type of man. The others just don't have a chance to fit in. Change you are outside but inside you can also change some things you are in traits otherwise women will not approach you.

 

Al man I'll give it to you, you try buddy, but somewhere in between that brain and the keyboard it just aint making it out.

[coolheadal]

Al man I'll give it to you, you try buddy, but somewhere in between that brain and the keyboard it just aint making it out.

 

It works for me.. It can work for you.

 

Nice / Bad means more women

 

Too Nice = you get women saying your so nice

 

Unless you run into a nice women but these women are looking for bad boys because they only know that type. So your a good man, a nice man, perfect man. But when you are like this you end up not finding a woman who wants this type. Because they only been with the bad man, the man that treated them rough but the leader type. Nice was referred to the Beta man and the bad boy is the Alpha man but I've learn you can be sweet but a bit on the bad side too ..

[JEG88]

In my experience, when women say "you're so nice" I have found out that it usually translates to "I don't find you interesting enough" as such.

 

Oh well. Their loss.

[Cookiesandough]

Yep, you're spot on. Got it. I'll be lazy (won't try too hard!), crazy (since predictable, even predictably good is sooo booooring!), and inflexible/a-holish/game playing (since being accommodating automatically equals kissing butt. "What, you're busy on Friday? Well fooooock you! I didn't want you anyway!!!").

 

I think I understand.

 

I really don't think so. I don't know why you translated the suggestion you might be "too" much of something to becoming the antithesis of it, but there is a middle ground. If they're busy on Friday and you already made plans Saturday, you keep your plans and make them wait or you move on because they're flakey. There's no need to go off. Dropping all your plans for them right away is very likely to translate to "too nice" to them. If you view altering behavior that has become problematic for you in dating as too much of a "game" and don't want to, I completely understand, but you asked what they mean by that and that's what it means.

[coolheadal]

In my experience, when women say "you're so nice" I have found out that it usually translates to "I don't find you interesting enough" as such.

 

Oh well. Their loss.

 

Correct! That is what she means to say... Not interesting enough for her because your too nice. If you were bad then your be be more of a challenge for her she'll perk up and smile get really interested in you too.

[Cookiesandough]

In my experience, when women say "you're so nice" I have found out that it usually translates to "I don't find you interesting enough" as such.

 

Oh well. Their loss.

 

That;s a good point

 

too boring, as in dull conversationalist/personality...but I don't always have the instinct to file dull men under "too nice" because they don't have to be nice at all. You can be really uninteresting and a complete jerk too. "Nice"usually means really easy FOR ME

[Cobra_X]

girl 1: didn't want to get serious with me because I have two kids and am out of town a lot for business (pretty much when I don't have the kids). She still txts me but never gets flirty anymore. We talk about going out again but it's yet to happen. I think if she really wanted to be with me the reasons given wouldn't stop her.

girl 2: her (supposed) ex boyfriend busted in one morning and tried to stab me. Haven't talked to her since.

girl 3: no idea. Just ghosted me after the last date we went on together (when she asked "why do you like me so much? Why are you being so nice to me?"). Sex was good, or so I thought.

the only thing odd I can think of is just a minor request I always have during sex (Spank me and call me Susan).

 

That extra level of kink might be your issue. I mean I enjoy sex most while wearing a hockey mask (I used to play) and waiving around a kitchen knife. It took me a long time to understand that maybe it was my kinky side that sent women screaming out of my house on first dates.

 

Too nice usually mean tries too hard, too predictable, too accommodating etc. People just throw all this under the umbrella of 'nice' like it's the problem. What it really is a lack of other things. Just to go over a few of the things I mentioned

 

Yep, you're spot on. Got it. I'll be lazy (won't try too hard!), crazy (since predictable, even predictably good is sooo booooring!), and inflexible/a-holish/game playing (since being accommodating automatically equals kissing butt. "What, you're busy on Friday? Well fooooock you! I didn't want you anyway!!!").

I think I understand.

 

Cookies is correct in her assessment regarding the term nice guy. Your humor makes me think you don't have a problem being an A-Hole. Bring some of that snark to your dating life if you don't already.

 

Al man I'll give it to you, you try buddy, but somewhere in between that brain and the keyboard it just aint making it out.

 

[Cookiesandough]

That extra level of kink might be your issue. I mean I enjoy sex most while wearing a hockey mask (I used to play) and waiving around a kitchen knife. It took me a long time to understand that maybe it was my kinky side that sent women screaming out of my house on first dates.

 

 

 

Cookies is correct in her assessment regarding the term nice guy. Your humor makes me think you don't have a problem being an A-Hole. Bring some of that snark to your dating life if you don't already.

 

 

 

 

the thing is people who exhibit Nice Guy behavior are usually quite snarky and even biting to people that are the least bit critical or they don't like, but when it's the object of their affection, theyre rendered incapable.

[Cobra_X]

the thing is people who exhibit Nice Guy behavior are usually quite snarky and even biting to people that are the least bit critical or they don't like, but when it's the object of their affection, theyre rendered incapable.

 

That is wisdom. It's what we call a fragile ego.

 

The problem I find with the term nice guy is that it seems to mean something different to everyone.

 

Wussy doormat people pleasers, who avoid all conflict come across as "nice guys". So do the guys who act like they can buy their way into a woman's pants by bending over backwards for her.... these are the guys you are referencing. They are not nice at all, but will act that way to get the girl and get very upset when it doesn't happen.

[Steve51]

I am into girls. I rather be with a girl than a guy anytime. I was always very nice and trusting until they both cheated on me. Seems that some girls want you to fight for them and be more alpha like. Once I learned that I landed me a wife for the last 45 years. I am still nice but firm. My wife said that my alpha personality is what first attracted her to me and she stayed because I treated her well.