"why are you so nice?"

[kassy]

Oh my gosh this alpha stuff is annoying.

 

He's not 20 trying to get a hot crazy chick.

 

It sounds like the 3 people weren't great choices. Try dating a bit more and maybe a different kind of woman.

 

Not sure about if you are joking with the link or not. If you arent, then maybe just hold that back a few more dates

[rightondude]

Oh my gosh this alpha stuff is annoying.

 

He's not 20 trying to get a hot crazy chick.

 

It sounds like the 3 people weren't great choices. Try dating a bit more and maybe a different kind of woman.

 

Not sure about if you are joking with the link or not. If you arent, then maybe just hold that back a few more dates

 

I am joking with the kink.

[rightondude]

I really don't think so. I don't know why you translated the suggestion you might be "too" much of something to becoming the antithesis of it, but there is a middle ground. If they're busy on Friday and you already made plans Saturday, you keep your plans and make them wait or you move on because they're flakey. There's no need to go off. Dropping all your plans for them right away is very likely to translate to "too nice" to them. If you view altering behavior that has become problematic for you in dating as too much of a "game" and don't want to, I completely understand, but you asked what they mean by that and that's what it means.

 

What you're suggesting is, if you're being honest, playing games. I know the game is going to be played regardless of whether or not I want to play it, but if you do the following:

 

1) refuse to change plans just because you're asked at the last minute to change plans, assuming you DON'T have other plans, or assuming those plans you do have aren't better or are breakable, you're playing a game. If I don't have anything better to do I'm not going to lie and save face by acting like I do just to seem more of a catch.

 

2) acting "unpredictable" (I don't even know what that means) just to raise someone's interest is playing a game. What, I'm supposed to keep that up for life? How exactly do you make yourself unpredictable? You mean bi-polar? Or do you just mean creative? One's fun, the other is just mind-f*ck stuff meant to confuse someone and "increase their interest." And it's playing a game.

 

3) being disagreeable for the sake of proving you have a pair. I will always state my opinion, but will always be willing to agree to disagree, unless the opinion is that someone else is lower than someone else or unless said opinion involves hurting someone else. People say PC is bad, PC is the problem, but the real problem is a sense of entitlement by people with no foundation to be so arrogant about their beliefs. I don't play that game either.

[rightondude]

That is wisdom. It's what we call a fragile ego.

 

The problem I find with the term nice guy is that it seems to mean something different to everyone.

 

Wussy doormat people pleasers, who avoid all conflict come across as "nice guys". So do the guys who act like they can buy their way into a woman's pants by bending over backwards for her.... these are the guys you are referencing. They are not nice at all, but will act that way to get the girl and get very upset when it doesn't happen.

 

Do you think Jesus was a nice guy?

 

Yeah, I do tend to try and avoid conflict. What, you seek it out?

Edited October 19, 2017 by rightondude

[olivetree]

"why do you like me so much? Why are you being so nice to me?").

 

I can see someone saying this for one of two reasons:

1) They can't understand why you seem so into them.

Either because:

a) It's too much too soon and they feel you don't know them well enough to give that much of yourself. AKA they think you're desperate.

-or-

b) They aren't that into you and assume the feeling would be mutual.

 

2) They are fishing for compliments.

 

Given the context of them fading on you, it's likely 1 not 2.

[rightondude]

I can see someone saying this for one of two reasons:

1) They can't understand why you seem so into them.

Either because:

a) It's too much too soon and they feel you don't know them well enough to give that much of yourself. AKA they think you're desperate.

-or-

b) They aren't that into you and assume the feeling would be mutual.

 

2) They are fishing for compliments.

 

Given the context of them fading on you, it's likely 1 not 2.

 

I don't necessarily disagree with it being #1. I will say stuff moves a lot faster (for me) than it did when I was dating 15 years ago. Hands all over each other after 30 minutes of meeting face to face for the first time. Sex on the 1st date. Unprotected sex. SO yeah it does seem like there's definite strong mutual interest, but to your point, without actually knowing each other that well at all. That is a recipe for a whirlwind shyt sandwich of an experience and I think that may definitely be the issue here. Thanks!

[alphamale]

I have been asked by 3 separate women I've dated since my divorce why I'm so "nice" to them. That's the exact word used, and it's stated as if it's a bad or at least a mysterious thing. I don't know what I'm doing that's so nice or out of the ordinary other than listening and just being interested in what they have to say. I've had sex with all these women but then things have faded for a variety of reasons. Some I'm sure of, some I'm not.

 

Is it them, or is it me? I don't consider myself an especially nice guy. I don't think I'm a pushover. I do really appreciate a woman showing interest in me after being in a marriage where that never happened; maybe that's coming out?

 

you need to be in the middle of the road when it comes to being too nice or too mean. a normal person is in the middle

[Woggle]

Date better quality women.

[Miss Spider]

I don't know you, how you behave with women, or why these women said that. That was just my opinion on what "too nice" often means

 

What you're suggesting is, if you're being honest, playing games. I know the game is going to be played regardless of whether or not I want to play it, but if you do the following:

 

To me, altering yourself to attract partners is not always a bad thing. . When I get dolled up for a date, I don't consider myself playing a game even though my natural inclination sometimes be to climb out of bed and walk out the door. I think people who are often called "too nice" or the like also play a game going by that definition. They're bending over or hiding themselves in attempt to make someone like them more.

1) refuse to change plans just because you're asked at the last minute to change plans, assuming you DON'T have other plans, or assuming those plans you do have aren't better or are breakable, you're playing a game. If I don't have anything better to do I'm not going to lie and save face by acting like I do just to seem more of a catch.

Ideally, you'd have a busy life and planned ahead so you would have other plans. Their assumption could be accurate if being at someone's beck and call(iIntially - Everything I'm talking about here is the initial phase of dating) is a common thing. But it's more than that. It's setting boundaries and sending the message that someone, even someone you're crushing on, needs to be respectful of your time.

2) acting "unpredictable" (I don't even know what that means) just to raise someone's interest is playing a game. What, I'm supposed to keep that up for life? How exactly do you make yourself unpredictable? You mean bi-polar? Or do you just mean creative? One's fun, the other is just mind-f*ck stuff meant to confuse someone and "increase their interest." And it's playing a game.

I highlighted some ways I ways a person can a be a predictable dater in my first post. Not leaving a little mystery. If I can predict all the guys actions/intentions, yeah , that's nice and convenient, but it doesn't garner that excitement/attraction as easily. It's like how knowing the ending of the movie takes away a little of the thrill. If you're dreamboat that mitigates it, but if you're not, keeping your cards closer to your chest and being a puzzle she needs to unravel (earn). When she's trying to figure you out, she's investing. There is a thing as being too unpredictable though.

 

3) being disagreeable for the sake of proving you have a pair. I will always state my opinion, but will always be willing to agree to disagree, unless the opinion is that someone else is lower than someone else or unless said opinion involves hurting someone else. People say PC is bad, PC is the problem, but the real problem is a sense of entitlement by people with no foundation to be so arrogant about their beliefs. I don't play that game either.

I didn't mean argue just to argue, but don't agree with everything just to be agreeable. It's nice, but doesn't show strength in convictions, leadership skills, or confidence. Part of building genuine bond and getting emotionally attached is sharing your true opinions with each other and why you believe them.

Edited October 19, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[mortensorchid]

I have tried to understand this in my as well as other people's minds. And that is answering the age old question of why is this the case? The answer? I don't have one to give you. I've tried to understand my thinking and the thinking of others around me. Knowing so little about your situations with these three women, what do I say but it wasn't meant to be.

 

That may be the case that you may be one of those nice guys who finish last, but if I may ask, how old are you? Because now that I am in my 40s I have noticed a certain change. When women are in their 20s they tend to like the Bad Boys. ANd I can admit I liked them bad then as well, but then again I think most men liked bad girls too. How many guys did I know go out with strippers, trashy girls and miserable princesses instead of women who treat them right? I still encounter that. Remember, women go for bad boys because that is appealing to our wants and needs to be bad and we are living vicariously through them. Men I think go for the bad girls (ex. strippers and porn actresses) for the same reasons, but they can get away with it to a certain extent without people saying "I told you so" when it ends.

 

But I digress ...

 

Keep moving forward, that's all I can say on it.