Buriall Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 That's alright bud don't beat yourself up over it. Now you know what to do exactly, (I hope) leave her where she belongs in the past. Also tell your fam to cut contact with her as well. Real work begins now, wish you all the best. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 I left her last night on good terms, stupidly hoping we could get over this extremely small issue. We messaged back and forth this morning with her being extremely cold, she then blocked me.. What is the "extremely small issue" that is obviously a deal breaker for her? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JimmyNYC Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 What was the issue you couldn't agree on? Sounds like you both were very open and talking and having a good time. So why did you decide it won't work? And which one of you decided that? Sounds like you did and she got mad and blocked you. I didn't get the whole story. I mean if both parties want IN and agree to talk, air things out, and work on things together then that is a good thing. That is how your post stated but then you decided not to move forward and broke up after your nice day together. why? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 Every relationship is unique. I don't recall the nature of yours, and I am not going to go through 270 posts to try to find out how and why it ended. I am not sure why you feel you "deserve harsh replies." It does seem that many on this board like to chastise other people for either breaking no contact, or not adhering to their own stringent interpretations of it. We are all human, and we all make mistakes. That being said, it's not as if you searched her out - she was reaching out to you and the two of you decided to get together which culminated in a good time and sex. Now she's decided to go back to not wanting to talk to you again which in all likelihood means you were a booty call at worst, at best she was thinking she may want you back permanently but had second thoughts. As a man, I wouldn't feel too devastated about it. I'd just not ever initiate contact again. If she contacts you again it's up to you to set the boundaries and stick to them like glue. Only you can decide if you're ok with the friends with benefits thing. Some men are not strong enough to have a woman they love turn into an FWB. That's a decision only you can make. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HumanMachine Posted October 29, 2017 Author Share Posted October 29, 2017 Thank you guys. The most frustrating thing about this whole scenario is that I was actually starting to feel better and enjoy my own company before she contacted me. The extremely small issue.. She wanted to be able to go out with male friends. Now that would be fine if she had any - she doesn’t. When I quizzed her on this she replied “well if one of my old friends popped up and asked to go for a drink, i’d like to be able to say yes without you getting upset”. I was astonished by her comments, we have never had this issue when we were together. Obviously she has found somebody else and wanted to keep both of us as options until she decided. I asked her if losing me was worth the rare chance of one of your old friends popping up and asking you out for a drink? She replied I refuse to choose between you and my friends. There is clearly something she’s not telling me so maybe not an extremely small issue..! Actually typing and re reading this has definitely opened my eyes.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darkchan Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 Don't beat yourself to hard about it I would have done the same, if my ex contaced me. At last in my current state were I miss him soooo much, more everyday and the urge to contact him grows stronger. So even if I know that it would be super bad idea, it's hard to resist. Just to give a girls perspective for having male friends. I have two female friends, the rest is male. My ex tended to be jealous even though himself had a lot of female friends. It is hard to trust one another when it comes to having friends of the opposite sex. I have always had more male friends than female ones, most likely becasue there are almost no females in my choice of work. In your ex case, not having any male friends and then suddenly having some, might seem a little suspisous. I don't know her so it might be what you suspect but it could also be that they are just friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HumanMachine Posted October 29, 2017 Author Share Posted October 29, 2017 Don't beat yourself to hard about it I would have done the same, if my ex contaced me. At last in my current state were I miss him soooo much, more everyday and the urge to contact him grows stronger. So even if I know that it would be super bad idea, it's hard to resist. Just to give a girls perspective for having male friends. I have two female friends, the rest is male. My ex tended to be jealous even though himself had a lot of female friends. It is hard to trust one another when it comes to having friends of the opposite sex. I have always had more male friends than female ones, most likely becasue there are almost no females in my choice of work. In your ex case, not having any male friends and then suddenly having some, might seem a little suspisous. I don't know her so it might be what you suspect but it could also be that they are just friends. Maybe I overreacted then? She mentioned old friends before our rship.. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 I've become a believer in the helpfulness of learning a lesson the hard way once in awhile. Touching the fire and getting burnt can serve as a tremendous teacher as long as you don't continue to do it over and over. Unless you are one of the few who can go NC without looking back, experience can be a useful teacher. It sucks what happened, but, if you can use it to strengthen your resolve to stay NC, it won't be in vain. You can learn a valuable lesson. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 Thank you guys. The most frustrating thing about this whole scenario is that I was actually starting to feel better and enjoy my own company before she contacted me. You and you alone are resonsibke for NC. Block her The extremely small issue.. She wanted to be able to go out with male friends. Now that would be fine if she had any - she doesn’t. When I quizzed her on this she replied “well if one of my old friends popped up and asked to go for a drink, i’d like to be able to say yes without you getting upset”. I was astonished by her comments, we have never had this issue when we were together. Obviously she has found somebody else and wanted to keep both of us as options until she decided. I asked her if losing me was worth the rare chance of one of your old friends popping up and asking you out for a drink? She replied I refuse to choose between you and my friends. You are correct. She wants an open relationship for her benefit not yours. There is clearly something she’s not telling me so maybe not an extremely small issue..! Yep, bank on it Actually typing and re reading this has definitely opened my eyes.. You leave yourself open for breadcrumbs and the bite when she sends one your way. I think you're better than this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HumanMachine Posted October 29, 2017 Author Share Posted October 29, 2017 Thank you guys I really appreciate your comments. I’ve blocked her again however my mother wasn’t keen on doing so. I’m unsure why not, she does not like my ex at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 I’ve blocked her again however my mother wasn’t keen on doing so. I’m unsure why not, she does not like my ex at all. Maybe she thrives on drama. Otherwise, those sentences are in contradiction to each other. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 I’ve blocked her again however my mother wasn’t keen on doing so. I’m unsure why not, she does not like my ex at all. Maybe she likes her more than she is telling you. Link to post Share on other sites
Trust666 Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Sorry to hear about all this. We make mistakes and as mentioned above sometimes we do have to touch the fire. My ex is dangerous to me, so in order to get over her I had to do NC and also burn every bridge possible. She was a good friend for 25 years, we dated in college then lived our lives. I trusted her with my life and she seemed so into me. In the end she betrayed me for another guy and in the end I went NC but let her know to never ever contact me again. Our chapter though 25 years long is done, forever. Sometimes you have to burn those bridges. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HumanMachine Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 Maybe she likes her more than she is telling you. Maybe she thrives on drama. Otherwise, those sentences are in contradiction to each other. She said if she ever ‘does something’ then she’d like to have the possibility of her admitting to it via text to her. I said I’d rather not achieve a few days NC and then have her pop up again.. Fortunately my mother isn’t very tech savvy so I’m thinking of blocking her whilst she is away from her phone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HumanMachine Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 Sorry to hear about all this. We make mistakes and as mentioned above sometimes we do have to touch the fire. My ex is dangerous to me, so in order to get over her I had to do NC and also burn every bridge possible. She was a good friend for 25 years, we dated in college then lived our lives. I trusted her with my life and she seemed so into me. In the end she betrayed me for another guy and in the end I went NC but let her know to never ever contact me again. Our chapter though 25 years long is done, forever. Sometimes you have to burn those bridges. Thank you. I guess I should be grateful that this painful rollercoaster of emotion lasted only 1 year in total.. feels like 10 though! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trust666 Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Oh we weren't together for 25 years. Dated in college then again recently in our early 40s. Now she left me for her high school sweetheart. Friends for 25 years. Obviously she didn't care about being friends. She kept saying we would reconnect in better times. Due to circumstances and how she handled the breakup I told her no way. Don't ever contact me. When she has tried through friends I burnt bridges. Not a fan of betrayal or untrustworthy folks no matter how long we're friends. I'm sorry you're in pain right now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HumanMachine Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 Why do I feel like I needed to hear from her that there was something else going on? It’s clear that there is but I almost need to hear it to move on.. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Thank you guys. The most frustrating thing about this whole scenario is that I was actually starting to feel better and enjoy my own company before she contacted me. The extremely small issue.. She wanted to be able to go out with male friends. Now that would be fine if she had any - she doesn’t. When I quizzed her on this she replied “well if one of my old friends popped up and asked to go for a drink, i’d like to be able to say yes without you getting upset”. I was astonished by her comments, we have never had this issue when we were together. Obviously she has found somebody else and wanted to keep both of us as options until she decided. I asked her if losing me was worth the rare chance of one of your old friends popping up and asking you out for a drink? She replied I refuse to choose between you and my friends. There is clearly something she’s not telling me so maybe not an extremely small issue..! Actually typing and re reading this has definitely opened my eyes.. I really find it disappointing when someone who supposedly wants me, strong-arms me into being okay with a request that would understandably set anyone's alarm off and then make me feel like the bad guy for for the way I feel about it. Especially when I know they wouldn't with it okay with it if I did this to them. How is she going to go out with other guys for drinks when she has a boyfriend? You know what this tells the opposite sex? It tells them, there are problems in your relationship and she is leaving herself open for the taking. Ofcourse what she does is up to her but she is certainly open to it. Did she acknowledge your feelings about this or did she try to spin this in a way where you look like an insecure person? Would she have been okay with you doing this while you two were together? Personally, I don't think she's committed and I think she's trying to handle you. You can take two routes to this. 1. Get back together with her and give her what she wants but know if she gets her way with this, she'll know she can get away with more. Who knows what else she'll ask for later on. 2. Don't bother reaching out and go NC again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HumanMachine Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 I really find it disappointing when someone who supposedly wants me, strong-arms me into being okay with a request that would understandably set anyone's alarm off and then make me feel like the bad guy for for the way I feel about it. Especially when I know they wouldn't with it okay with it if I did this to them. How is she going to go out with other guys for drinks when she has a boyfriend? You know what this tells the opposite sex? It tells them, there are problems in your relationship and she is leaving herself open for the taking. Ofcourse what she does is up to her but she is certainly open to it. Did she acknowledge your feelings about this or did she try to spin this in a way where you look like an insecure person? Would she have been okay with you doing this while you two were together? Personally, I don't think she's committed and I think she's trying to handle you. You can take two routes to this. 1. Get back together with her and give her what she wants but know if she gets her way with this, she'll know she can get away with more. Who knows what else she'll ask for later on. 2. Don't bother reaching out and go NC again. When I told her of my disaproval all she could respond with was “you’re stopping me see my friends”, I tried explaining to her that there are boundaries with opposite sex friendships whilst in a relationship. Having the occasional chat and catch up? Fine. Going out for a drink? Not fine. She wasn’t having any of it, it was cut and dry to her. The potential of an old male friend miraculously popping up and asking her out for a drink was worth more than our relationship, our connection and all of our memories. There was absolutely no way of changing her mind. I believe she’s got something going on with someone else and was using me as a backup just incase it didn’t work with the new guy. She would’ve been meeting up with her ‘old friend’ for drinks whilst with me.. She still has me blocked, I have her blocked. Link to post Share on other sites
Buriall Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 I was in a similar position my ex was hanging out with this one guy "friends" at first no biggie but then suspicion got the best of me. Now these two were texting constantly, I got to a point where I began questioning things and she didn't like that. One day I sat her down and opened up how I feel, at the end she spin the whole thing around, I never told her you have to pick him or me. She made me look like I'm the one with issues, She said "if I were to pick him or you I'd pick him" stupid me didn't get up and leave right there.. Now I look back and think what a loser I was for not leaving her right there.. In this case I agree with beached on his second option.. Let her do whatever she wants.. You do you Link to post Share on other sites
Author HumanMachine Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 I was in a similar position my ex was hanging out with this one guy "friends" at first no biggie but then suspicion got the best of me. Now these two were texting constantly, I got to a point where I began questioning things and she didn't like that. One day I sat her down and opened up how I feel, at the end she spin the whole thing around, I never told her you have to pick him or me. She made me look like I'm the one with issues, She said "if I were to pick him or you I'd pick him" stupid me didn't get up and leave right there.. Now I look back and think what a loser I was for not leaving her right there.. In this case I agree with beached on his second option.. Let her do whatever she wants.. You do you Wow exactly the same almost word for word.. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 (edited) I was in a similar position my ex was hanging out with this one guy "friends" at first no biggie but then suspicion got the best of me. Now these two were texting constantly, I got to a point where I began questioning things and she didn't like that. One day I sat her down and opened up how I feel, at the end she spin the whole thing around, I never told her you have to pick him or me. She made me look like I'm the one with issues, She said "if I were to pick him or you I'd pick him" stupid me didn't get up and leave right there.. Now I look back and think what a loser I was for not leaving her right there.. In this case I agree with beached on his second option.. Let her do whatever she wants.. You do you Man that hurts to read. But that's exactly why I take things like this seriously. OP I think you need to trust your gutt. She's got alterior motives. Edited October 30, 2017 by Beachead Link to post Share on other sites
Buriall Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 That's exactly the point here "altering motives" she gave no ****s about how I felt didn't even hear me out.. Turns out she had/has crush on this guy and she has sexual feelings towards the guy.. Yet they are "just friends" she didn't come and tell me this I had to snoop and find out. My gut was right something wasn't right. At the end of all this, she deceived me lied to me and came out on top where as I hit rock bottom... Don't be like me Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 This isn't very complicated at all. She's relegated you to a backup plan. In turn, you should place her solidly in the friends with benefits category at best, and realize that you are never going to have a trusting, loving relationship with this woman again. She devalued and disrespected you. Time to devalue her and move on. If you're ok being her booty call every now and then, by all means, partake, but that's exactly how you should treat her, too. Give her nothing but sex with zero emotional attachment, then make yourself busy and offer no ear whatsoever. Link to post Share on other sites
garysmith Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 I actually see this as a good thing. I am going through a break up myself and I think what holds me back is all the what ifs. You went out with her, you had a good time, you talked things over and came to the realization that things between you just wouldn't work. Use that for closure. She just wasn't the one for you! Take it one day at a time and you will be fine. We all will be! Link to post Share on other sites
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