At wit's end with separation. ?

[Pensive.Chris]

Hi everyone.

 

I’m in a real bind and I want to ask for some guidance.

 

First, I live in BC, Canada. The rules for separation and divorce may be different here than where the reader is from.

 

It’s been 4 years since my separation.

 

I work in sales, so my commission salary varies, so the court cases in respect to child and spousal support dragged on and on year after year.

 

I also met a new girl and she’s wonderful. Her kids love my kids and I love her kids and all’s awesome there.

 

Note: I am totally fine paying support, it’s fair and it’s for the kids… but my ex is a real gold digger and weaseled out of her share of the family debt, to the point where it’s on the court record that I’m responsible for all of it.

she also tries all kinds of ways to get me to pay more, like label things “extraordinary expenses” when they aren’t, sending invoices out of the blue for things she enrolled the kids in, etc.

 

It’s a pattern… she tried to get more and more money from me.

 

We also have a son with a mild disability. He’s self-sufficient, but has a 1-1 helper at school. She uses that disability and MILKS it in front of the judge. I feel so sorry for my little man. He tries so hard and it seems like she’s using his successes and failures for her own benefit. But I’m not surprised.

 

She also had a suicide attempt before our separation and she tricked me into taking the kids with her in the separation… something I’ll never forgive myself for.

 

Anyway… last year, after I was ordered to assume all the family debt, things went a little awry. I had a decent job and earned a good salary, but with all the extra assumed debt, I had to declare bankruptcy. I HATED that, but it was the only way I was able to carry on.

 

That was July.

 

Then in October I was suddenly laid off from my employer. I received a severance and was sent on my way.

 

First thing was that the credit company that oversees my bankruptcy proceedings immediately took half of the Net payout of my severance. I understand that, but man, that was a blow.

 

Luckily I found a job in relatively quick time, but it was at half my original salary.

 

I let her know via emails starting in November that that this is the new situation for me and I can’t keep paying the payments that I was paying initially, since my salary is basically cut in half.

 

I was using what was left of my severance payout to keep up with my high monthly support payments and calculated that when it runs out in December/January I’ll need to ask for reduced payment rates.

 

Of course my ex disagreed to budge on reducing payments and I was forced to go to family court.

 

Well, long story short, the family courts kept delaying and delaying, pushing back dates where I had to take off from work (at my new job) to attend… finally in July the judge managed to squeeze us in between two other cases. He was rushed, and I doubt whether he fully understood the request I made.

 

To be clear, my request was to temporarily reduce my payments until such time as I can earn enough commission to get to where I was again and resume regular payments. I offered to pay an amount that I felt was reasonable from my base pay and add half of any commissions that I earn on top of that.

 

Unfortunately the judge didn’t see it that way.

 

In his ruling he didn’t care for the fact that I have no severance left and that I’m living on half of my original income where things like car and rent payments didn’t change.

 

In the ruling he said that he thinks I’ll be on “my feet again soon” and that the spousal payments should remain as they are. AND over and above that, I should also give half of any commissions that I earn.

 

Well I was stunned… I’m having to pay MORE now? While making so much less?

 

Where things ended up is that I have been handed over to the Family Maintenance Enforcement Program that is tracking my payments. I am as of now in arrears with them because there is no way that I can make those payments.

 

They will start to enforce actions when my payments get too far into arrears. They do things like take licenses and passports away…

 

Since I have a sales job, having my license taken from me will be the end of my sales career and limit my earnings even more.

 

Right now I’m experiencing some severe anxiety and stress because of these issues.

 

I’m afraid that I won’t be able to make payments to the point where I lose my job. That will cause me to lose where I live and that will most probably also result in me losing my girlfriend. I’m afraid of where this will end up and my thoughts spiral downward on a regular basis.

 

I’m having trouble sleeping, or sometimes I get this serious fatigue where I can’t even function… my body just wants to shut down from stress.

 

I’m also eating too much. I’m also at a point where I don’t feel driven to work as hard as I should. I can’t get in the right head space.

 

The stress is getting to me to the point where I’m starting to panic for the future.

 

I have spoken to my manager about pay increases and of course that is attached to job performance… I will probably start to earn more as I get more into the role and sell more. Bu how can I sell more when I struggle to remain positive about work and life in general?

 

I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like there is a way out any time soon.

I feel like I’ll lose everything. In the short to medium future from now and I’m stuck and I’m panicked.

 

If you have any advice for me, I would appreciate that.

 

Thanks

PC

[somanymistakes]

Sorry things are being rough.

 

Like many people, probably, my first instinct is to look over what's happened and go "well maybe if you'd done X instead!" but obviously that is NO help at this point.

 

Is there any sort of free financial advice / debt counseling service available in your area? Since stress is part of what's crippling you, I think just the helpful support of someone listening to you spell it all out and make suggestions might ease some of the burdens on your shoulders.

 

Can you appeal the family court ruling? Preferably with the aid of someone who can do a bit of pushing on your behalf? It feels like you may have developed a habit of trying too hard to please, which leads you to accidentally leave openings that others have exploited.

 

I don't know your finances, I don't know how underwater you are with the support requests or whether you're still stubbornly paying a mortgage on a too-big property because you don't want to give it up, or how likely your bank balance is to stablise in time, I can't really give detailed financial advice. But the stress is not good for you. You can't walk this alone, you need to find someone to help you carry it.

 

As for the payments themselves, I know many locations (including canada afaik) have set guidelines for child support which do not vary with parent income the same way that spousal support does. If your payments are almost entirely child support then it's probably not worth spending the time to fight it.

 

Webpage on the whole taking-your-driver's-license-away thing:

How you can get your driver's licence back if the FMEP takes it away: Family Law in BC

 

Since you need it to make a living you should be able to fight it if they take your license.

[Pensive.Chris]

Thanks for the reply, somanymistakes, I appreciate you taking the time.

 

Unfortunately since I am already in bankruptcy, there is not much that anyone can do in the line of debt counseling.

 

I can't appeal to the family court ruling at this stage. All appeals have to go through Supreme court and I can't afford the lawyer and admin fees for that.

I did seek free advice from a lawyer after the ruling and he said that it is too early to appeal anyways.

 

The only thin I can think of doing is to wait until I get my income documents next year for tax season and use that to prove that my income has not increased to where they thought I was going to be.... problem is that I'm not sure I'll last that long.

 

Also, sorry, I should have mentioned that more than 50% of my total payment right now is going to spousal support.

 

Anyway, thank you again for the reply.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Chris, sorry to see you in this position. Do you have family close by who can help you financially for a while till you are out of the woods? What about a second job if it's possible? Any close friends who can bail you out for a while? There may be folks on here with a legal background who could possibly give you some advice on how to steer through this difficult situation. Ask around for help.

 

I am hesitant in suggesting this but if you think you can then you could use the services of a good psychic to help you see things a bit clearly. For this to work it should be someone of the order of Sylvia Browne. You could send in a request by email or snail mail and get an answer. If you google her name you will get the address of her office. Sorry I cannot offer any thing more useful. Warm wishes.