Should I tell?

[Silver10]

I cheated on the best thing that has ever happened to me, my boyfriend of 8 years. Despite my awful actions, I truly am in love with him. I am completely remorseful and do not know what to do. I cannot lose him, and we are planning to get engaged soon (within a year).

 

The story: I am a graduate student, in a rigorous 2 year program. I spend most of my time at school and with my classmates. It began slowly... months past of studying with my guy friend (who has a girlfriend) and we began to spend too much time together outside of school. First a kiss one night, another kiss a few weeks later....then sex. We have had sex about 5 times in the last 5 months. There is no relational component. It is mostly physical. Neither of us wanted to be together and knew it was stupid.

 

Now that the cheating has ended, I am torn on whether or not I should keep this from my boyfriend, or tell him before he buys a ring. I care about him more than myself, and truly want the best for him.

 

Other factors: I have 7 months left of school with the same guy, then I will likely never see him again. I still see the guy every day at school. My boyfriend knows exactly who the guy is, and the two of them have even hung out together in group settings.

 

Please feel free to speak your mind, bluntly. All criticism and advice is welcome.

[S2B]

So the "friendship" ended? If so, who ended it and why?

 

 

I have concerns - because you state that you love your soon to be fiancé dearly - but there is a serious disconnect between loving him and having sex with another man 5 (count then 5) times!

 

Yes, get honest about your ability to cheat while loving him - he deserves to know what your brand of "love" looks like - then he can make an informed decision about a future with you based on facts and honesty.

[Silver10]

The "friendship" ending is not as clear as I would like. Due to the school schedule, there was a period of 9 weeks where we did not speak or see each other, and that is what ended it. We have been in school for a month now, and we no longer spend time together outside school. However, no clear boundary has been set.

 

Your concerns are my concerns as well. My actions do not reflect my words, and that is troubling to me. Also how is my soon to be fiancé supposed to believe that I love him, when this has happened? I am terrified to tell him. It will destroy him.

 

We are each others' first and only. Our families are friends, and everyone is expecting the engagement soon. We have been the "perfect couple" for so long. It is highly unsuspected that I would cheat.

[road]

silver, the right thing to do is you must

confess to your BF.

 

If he wants to stay with you, you must

be prepared to change schools so you will

be able to guarantee no contact, NC, with

the OM.

 

If not possible to change schools then you

must take time off from the school till the

OM graduates so there is NC.

 

Mandatory IC so you learn how to have

boundaries and cheat no more.

 

Do marry this young man if you can not

tell him the truth.

[Silver10]

I want to tell my BF, but don't know how or when.

I graduate in May-- and want to finish school. Nothing is ideal, but if it were, I would wait until May to tell, but fear the engagement will happen before then. The guilt is wearing on me.

[S2B]

Do you support yourself?

 

Do you live on your own?

 

I appreciate your candor.

[JEG88]

You should tell him.

 

If your BF is worth his salt, he will leave you for good. (And he should, in my opinion.)

 

A one-time cheat is one matter, but cheating over the course of several months is another. You let the emotional cheating develop into physical/sexual cheating.

 

That's not love.

[usa1ah]

I cheated on the best thing that has ever happened to me, my boyfriend of 8 years. Despite my awful actions, I truly am in love with him. I am completely remorseful and do not know what to do. I cannot lose him, and we are planning to get engaged soon (within a year).

 

The story: I am a graduate student, in a rigorous 2 year program. I spend most of my time at school and with my classmates. It began slowly... months past of studying with my guy friend (who has a girlfriend) and we began to spend too much time together outside of school. First a kiss one night, another kiss a few weeks later....then sex. We have had sex about 5 times in the last 5 months. There is no relational component. It is mostly physical. Neither of us wanted to be together and knew it was stupid.

 

Now that the cheating has ended, I am torn on whether or not I should keep this from my boyfriend, or tell him before he buys a ring. I care about him more than myself, and truly want the best for him.

 

Other factors: I have 7 months left of school with the same guy, then I will likely never see him again. I still see the guy every day at school. My boyfriend knows exactly who the guy is, and the two of them have even hung out together in group settings.

 

Please feel free to speak your mind, bluntly. All criticism and advice is welcome.

 

You had your bf hanging out with the guy you were cheating with?

 

Damn that’s cold.

 

I believe you should tell your bf. Give him a chance at least.

[Space Ritual]

I truly am in love with him. I am completely remorseful and do not know what to do. I cannot lose him, and we are planning to get engaged soon (within a year).

No you don't love him and no you are not Remorseful.

 

It does not take a Graduate Level Course to know the difference between Remorse and regret. If you were remorseful you would throw all caution to the wind, Come to him with your admissions, take ownership at the outset. Offer to get to your Whys. And Most important of all, you would continue to work on yourself, regardless of whether or not your BF took you back. And you would be accepting of his decision without protest.

 

You thus far have none of that.

 

What you DO have, however after a 5 time E ticket experience with a Classmate/Bang Buddy is"

 

A Very mild case of regret

 

And a Terminal Case of Cover Your Ass

 

Your post demonstrates perfectly where you are. And that is in the Land of Looking Out for Number 1, no matter the cost.

 

The Test came back. You got an F.

 

Seriously just come clean with the poor kid, and do him a favor and allow him to be loved by someone who wont cheat on him 5 times and only then have a small pang of regret by releasing him to his Destiny....

 

Which probably won't be with you..

 

Blunt Enough?

 

Jesus Lady, I've seen some real winners come through these subforums, but having them hang out? A couple of other ones recently did the same thing. Like them,you are redlining on the Cruelty Gauge.

 

That's about as bad as it gets

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Tell your boyfriend before he proposes (he deserves to know how committed to fidelity the love of his life is, so he can make the decision best for him).

 

Express honestly whatever remorse you do or do not feel.

 

Do not leave your academic program/school. That would be stupid.

 

Trust that whatever happens (whatever decision he makes and you make) is for the best and you WILL be ok no matter what.

[DKT3]

One of my biggest hang ups with my wife's affair was her saying "I've always loved you more than anything"...WELL, that isn't true. Nor is it true when you stated "I love him more than myself".

 

If it were true you would have little concern about how the truth would impact you, yet it's all you spoke about.

 

Keep in mind, confession isn't going to hurt him, you having a F-buddy is what's going to hurt him.

 

He deserves to know NOW. You have no right to unilaterally decide what kind of woman and relationship he is willing to have/be a part of.

 

On a more selfish note, don't you want a man who will be in love with you and not the watered down version of yourself you have been showing him?

 

Give him the choice he deserves to make his decision.

 

Life happens, and there will always be a reason not to tell....or I graduate, or we're getting married, or our child is due soon.

[S2B]

Tell him now!

 

I get the feeling you want to wait until you graduate because he may be supporting you - while you're in school.

 

There's not one single reason to wait even one more day!

 

He owes you nothing and you owe him your truth.

 

These are consequences to bad behavior - things change forever because you ruined the trust.

 

 

Get counseling to understand why you cheated when you had a good relationship. Work on yourself. This was no accident - you were purposeful and calculated in ruining what was good in your life. You can't undo this.

 

Also, the other mans girlfriend deserves to know as well.

 

 

And I agree with the others - love doesn't look like this, please stop saying you love him more than yourself - the evidence shows you don't. Nor do you respect or honor him - so at this point marriage should be completely off the table knowing your currently unable to know what love looks like and what being faithful should look like.

 

But first get completely honest - that's key.

[Silver10]

Thank you for your honest responses. I greatly appreciate all of your words.

 

I have a lot to learn about love, and about myself. I feel immature, selfish, entitled, and disgusted. There are no excuses. He deserves to know. He deserves better. He deserves to decide his future.

 

If y'all knew my BF, you would really despise me. He is an angel. I needed the blunt responses. What I did is unacceptable.

 

I will no longer say I love him more than myself....that ship has sailed...I think what I was meaning is that I want to do whatever is best for him, at this point.

 

Next step is to arrange a time to tell him.

[S2B]

Thank you for your honest responses. I greatly appreciate all of your words.

 

I have a lot to learn about love, and about myself. I feel immature, selfish, entitled, and disgusted. There are no excuses. He deserves to know. He deserves better. He deserves to decide his future.

 

If y'all knew my BF, you would really despise me. He is an angel. I needed the blunt responses. What I did is unacceptable.

 

I will no longer say I love him more than myself....that ship has sailed...I think what I was meaning is that I want to do whatever is best for him, at this point.

 

Next step is to arrange a time to tell him.

 

When will you see him next?

[BMI03]

Thank you for your honest responses. I greatly appreciate all of your words.

 

I have a lot to learn about love, and about myself. I feel immature, selfish, entitled, and disgusted. There are no excuses. He deserves to know. He deserves better. He deserves to decide his future.

 

If y'all knew my BF, you would really despise me. He is an angel. I needed the blunt responses. What I did is unacceptable.

 

I will no longer say I love him more than myself....that ship has sailed...I think what I was meaning is that I want to do whatever is best for him, at this point.

 

Next step is to arrange a time to tell him.

 

Good choice. You will come to see it is the right choice for you too. Not telling him could mean he proposes to you because of who he THINKS you are, not who you really are. Staying with him may sound like what you want right now, but truth is that it will sit heavy on your shoulders in the years to come to realize that he only loves a false idea of you, and doesn't truly know who you have been to him. You will never feel truly loved by him unless you give him the chance to truthfully see who you are, and let him decide that that is what he wants. Five times is not a mistake in judgment...its purposeful.

 

There are lots of threads in the marriage and infidelity section to show you that it ALWAYS comes out at some point, and now is a good time to ensure you both don't waste years and years of your life living in a lie.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I don't believe you could be happily married to him while harboring this secret as it would be a barrier between the two of you and there would come a day when you would want a truly intimate relationship with your partner.

[Poutrew]

Yes, you need to tell him now. There is another current thread on this site, written by a man whose wife had a brief affair 15 years ago, before they were married, but after they were engaged. Read that thread, and listen to the pain in that man's words as he talks about what his wife did - also understand the misery his wife was bearing for the last 15 years, and how it all came out as the result of a death bed confession... you really don't want to be in that position. Sad, truly sad for all concerned.

[Cobra_X]

I cheated on the best thing that has ever happened to me, my boyfriend of 8 years. Despite my awful actions, I truly am in love with him. I am completely remorseful and do not know what to do. I cannot lose him, and we are planning to get engaged soon (within a year).

 

8 years and you were each other's firsts. I will be honest... I don't think what you did was out of the ordinary given the circumstances. I'm sure part of you always wanted to experience other men on some level.

 

The core problem however is failing to draw correct boundaries with this guy from school. If two generally attractive people of the opposite sex spend a large amount of time alone together... this is a predictable outcome. You should have known that in advance but we all learn at different speeds.

 

I don't think you should wait another second. You need to be honest with your BF as soon as possible. Maybe he will want to work through this, maybe not. If I can give you one piece of advice to help... do not trickle truth him. Answer every question with as much honesty as you can, but avoid details wherever possible.

[road]

When I went to school I never needed to study

with anyone. I went to class, took notes, read notes

before the test. Ask myself questions.

 

Study buddy?

What study buddy?

I don't need no stinkin' study buddy.

[1966Seahorse]

Hi Silver10,

 

First of all - I am not meaning to sound harsh, but it will probably come across as so (apologies!) ...

 

My very first thought upon reading your predicament is that if your boyfriend did the same to you ... would you rather know? I have to say, I would.

 

IMO you cannot enter in to a committed relationship (i.e. getting engaged) based on lies and deceipt - that is not a good start for a lifetime together.

 

You say "I truly am in love with him" and "I cheated on the best thing that has ever happened to me, my boyfriend of 8 years" ... so - why cheat? I just don't get it.

 

If you are completely remorseful, as you state, then you MUST come clean to your boyfriend - regardless of the consequences.

 

You further say "We have had sex about 5 times in the last 5 months" ... I am struggling with getting my head around this - you are totally in love with your boyfriend but still had sex with someone else FIVE times - I would have thought after the first time you should have been shocked back in to reality - because of how much you say you love your boyfriend.

 

... and if you care about him more than you care about yourself (which, again, you have stated) then you will do the decent thing and admit to him the FULL extent of what you did to him behind his back - he deserves nothing less.

 

I sincerely hope you do the right thing and come clean .... do you have a conscience?

 

I do wish you well x

[smackie9]

It sucks but maybe you both could use some time to date others before thinking about marriage. You are both young and have plenty of time to worry about stuff like that. Then maybe years down the road you two will reunite, and can move past the past.

[S2B]

It sucks but maybe you both could use some time to date others before thinking about marriage. You are both young and have plenty of time to worry about stuff like that. Then maybe years down the road you two will reunite, and can move past the past.

 

If life was just that easy... unfortunately, the past can't be undone...and the feelings that go along with what has happened.

[Silver10]

I will see my BF this weekend.

 

Thoughts on beginning pre-marital counseling?

Perhaps the counselor could help guide the confession?

I have never seen a counselor before, so I am unsure of how it all works, but I am interested in seeing someone.

[DKT3]

It sucks but maybe you both could use some time to date others before thinking about marriage. You are both young and have plenty of time to worry about stuff like that. Then maybe years down the road you two will reunite, and can move past the past.

 

Having started my relationship at 17, I totally agree, it would be wise to experience dating. The problem is she has already damaged this relationship, so they have to deal with it. I'm pretty sure if she suggested time apart now, there would be no down the line.

[DKT3]

I will see my BF this weekend.

 

Thoughts on beginning pre-marital counseling?

Perhaps the counselor could help guide the confession?

I have never seen a counselor before, so I am unsure of how it all works, but I am interested in seeing someone.

 

Couple therapy isn't a great idea when you have done things that will likely end your relationship it your partner finds out. I think it's best to not attempt to manipulate the outcome, it's beyond your control. What I'm saying is, your boyfriend may not want this relationship after he finds out, therapy is a waste if he isn't committed.